Long post, splitting up-need advice fast!

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve been a lurker since early 2001, so I feel like I know a lot of you even though you don’t know me. I need help! In 2003 I married a severly disturbed woman during a time when I was deeply depressed. Now I’m getting better, but she is not. I’ve done everything I can to help her get better. I’ve taken her to og knows how many doctors, therapists and psychiatrists but she resists everything they say. She won’t take meds, she won’t journal, she won’t even exercise. She doesn’t work. She doesn’t clean. She is too paralyzed by fear to ride the bus, and she doesn’t have a driver’s license because she won’t practice driving unless I drag her from the house.

She has a history of berating me for hours for imaginary offenses and she has physically assaulted me a number of times. The last time she attacked me, I was sick and weak and couldn’t defend myself so I tried calling 911. She wrestled the phone from me and snapped it in half.

Fortunately, she is not at all abusive with the kids. The worst she could be accused of there is minor neglect, because she hides in her room or has her face in the computer instead of engaging with them. Most days, they have dinner before I get home, and they are happy, well adjusted kids for now. (I am terrified of what the future holds, though)

I’ve tried to leave her a few times in the last few years. The first time I told her I wanted to leave, she took a bunch of pills, landing her in a psych ward for 5 days. I couldn’t leave because then who would take care of the kids? (I was going to stay at my job where we have cots for overnighters & no kids are allowed) The next time, I took the kids and went to a hotel. She freaked out and threatened to call the police even though I told her that I was still in the city and I’d bring the kids back in a couple of days once she had had a chance to think. She insisted I tell her where we were and I stupidly did. :smack:The third time (Hi Opal!) I called her from work to tell her that I wasn’t coming home. I called her mom to tell her about the situation and to ask could she go over to the apartment to be sure my wife was ok. Her mom said she would check on the family, but that her daughter couldn’t count on her for anything. Not babysitting, not money, nothing. She said that my wife did this to herself and she could end up on the street for all she cared.:eek: Well once again, I relented and answered the phone when she called. She said flat out that I am her life raft and that without me she can’t function. I told her that it is simply not acceptable to make me responsible for everything. I stayed again. (Anyone heard this song before?)

I feel like I can’t win. If I am honest about how I feel, she freaks out, crumbles, and nothing gets done at the house, and I get bitched out about any and everything. So what do I do? I pretend that everything is fine, that I love her, and that I will stay. I reassure her that we will go to counseling, etc, even though she will only see old women marriage counselors because men “take my side in everything” and young women “flirt right in front of her.” :rolleyes:

For those of you still with me, thanks for reading. My question is, should I just disappear? I would keep supporting the family, I just wouldn’t live there anymore. Can you think of other options? There is no rational dialog possible with this woman. She is on my current lease, so I cant boot her from the apartment. I was thinking I’d take my brother up on his invite and go live in his vacant house 1.5 hours away from home and work. I don’t have money for a lawyer, because everything I make goes into supporting the kids. Help me all you brainy dopers; you’re my only hope!

2

You mean disappear without taking the children with you? Just asking to be clear.

Do you have any indication that she will not just OD again and have to go to hospital, or cause any manner of harm to the children?

Can you take the kids to stay with a family member while you are at work, just for the time it takes for her to adjust to you leaving?

I have to say that it sounds to me (and IANAD/Psychologist etc) like it would also be much better for her if you split up. It seems like she is dependent on you, leaving her might help her see how badly she needs help.

Sorry that I can’t really be of any more help. Good luck.

3

You don’t specifically say, but for clarification’s sake: are they your kids? What are the ages?

4

Sorry- Yes, they are my kids, a boy who is 7 and a girl who is 5. There is no one to care for them because I can’t afford child care between school and when I get home, and my family is all out of state. I am confident that she won’t harm the kids and as monstrous as it sounds, I don’t believe I would be too upset if she did overdose again. That’s how far this has gone.:frowning:

5

And yes, Gracer I meant leave without them. She is crazy, but she is crazy in the most predictable way. I’ve been with her for more than ten years and I am absolutely confident that she will not harm them. Maybe desperation has clouded my thinking- that’s why I am reaching out.

I’ve got to go for now, but I’ll post again in the morning. Thanks for letting me vent. I look forward to reading more replies. I knew I could count on the Dope for support.

6

You know, this sounds like an abuse case, where you are the one being abused. There are multiple resources for abused spouses AND their children (even if you are male). There must be some sort of program in your area for situations like this. Where do you live?

7

You don’t just leave your little kids with someone that you describe as crazy. Please don’t do that. Can you see if there’s such a thing as “legal aid” in your city, where you could possibly get a free or discounted attorney to help you?

8

I sort of agree with gracer - this isn’t healthy for you, for her and surely not for your kids.

I think you need to split up. I’m not sure that simply disappearing is the best way to go about it though.Emotionally, long-term or legally. There must be some way to get support for all of you so you can have a healthy, functional divorce, so to speak.

I also agree that this (to me) falls under the definition of domestic/emotional abuse. Also, the way you describe it, I find it difficult to believe that someone this dysfunctional could truly be a healthy parent.

9

Like any abuse victim regardless of gender, I think you’d do best to take the kids and whatever you can cram into a car, and move in with your family. Serve her with divorce papers when you can afford to. Let her chips fall where they may in the meantime. Work on getting a job.

If you don’t have family, go to a shelter.

10

I agree she’s not a healthy parent. The legal aid places I’ve talked to say that I exceed their income limit. I would only live away until I could either file for divorce, or force her out of the apartment. The abuse is not ongoing. She is careful not to give me a reason to call the police.

11

One tidbit of good news, I just found out that my job is having a pro-bono law clinic next week, so if they have any family law attorneys there, I’ll be able to see what options I might have. Thanks again for being supportive, everyone. It means a lot!

12

You need to take those children and get out. However you can manage it, do it. You sound strangely disconnected from the kids, and it’s a little worrisome to me, but I think if you get yourself and them away from her, you will re-connect with them and become more protective. I have a hard time believing they’re well-adjusted, and the fact you chose to have a kid - twice - with someone you describe in the way you do is kind of, inexplicable. Probably a whole other thread and beside the point because these kids are a done deal and should be your priority.

Don’t forget, while you’re both on the lease you’re both responsible for the rent, so even if you’re not living there, the landlord can still go after you for the entire amount. Have you spoken to the landlord about your situation? They may be willing to let you break the lease - remove your name - so you can move out, and then evict her if she can’t pay. If it’s a big management company, they will probably know the best way to go about this and may work with you. You never know unless you ask.

You do sound like a co-dependent abuse victim, and it’s so very good you’ve come around from your own problems and helped yourself this far. It’s so much more than many can say they’ve managed in 10 years with a partner who’s no help. I hope you can continue getting better, but you have got to make sure your kids are safe and with the only healthy parent they have.

If she does decide to swallow a bottle of pills again, do you really want your 7-year-old to be the one to have to call 911?

13

Seems to me that as a parent, you’d be more concerned with the effect on your children? Initially (before I posted) you said you were “confident she wouldn’t harm the kids” and “not abusive” (just a little neglectful.)

But then you acknowledge she is “not a healthy parent.” :confused:

You were at least 50% of creating these children - shouldn’t your children’s well-being, not yours, be your primary concern? After all, you made children with someone you knew from the get-go was not emotionally stable, so I think *their *well-being ought to be your number one; your emotional needs, as a parent, take a back seat, no?

14

Got to go. Will post more tomorrow.

  • El Burro
15

Little Brother, is that you? :eek: Your situation sounds awefully familiar; want to hear where you’re going to end up if you don’t divorce? I can tell you, based on my little brother’s experiences so far: You will probably end up with one or more additional kids, (maybe yours, maybe not) making it even harder to leave. You will end up staying with said wife, moving in and out at a rate of, oh, every 3 years or so, until the kids are grown up enough that you don’t have to worry about them being physically affected. If you’re lucky, and you get to fool around, she will probably catch you and threaten YOU with loss of the kids through at-fault divorce. The toll of 10+ years emotional effects on the kids will definitely change them, though it may just end up being to the tune of ‘Fuck that, I am NEVER getting married! Marriage sucks!’. They may take sides, and it may not be yours.

Finally, after 20+ years of putting up with all the strain, you leave your ex to her own devices, and she ends up killing herself anyway to spite you.
If that seems preferable to taking charge early, then I’d suggest carrying on just as you are. Might I suggest that that seems an awfully steep toll for free babysitting?

EB, you may have more support than you think. Single women raise children while working all the time; you may not qualify for a lot of things based on your income now, but if you actually become a single parent you may have more options than you think.

Think about it some more, and not in terms of what you’re willing to put up with, but what kind of work you’re willing to put into improving the situation. There will NEVER be an easy way out of this. It will take WORK, and lots of it. Just a matter of whether you want control of the situation, or would rather let her control everything. Forever. <cue dramatic bunny-in-a-pot music>

16

Guess what? If she’s physically, verbally and/or emotionally abusive to you (snapping a phone in half?), then she’s not exactly setting the best example for your kids.

You think your kids are growing up mentally healthy? With one parent who is abusive to their other parent and depressed/manipulative enough to try to kill herself at least once before, and another who consistently leaves the household (sometimes with kids, sometimes without) I’m guessing they’re experiencing some fairly serious problems of their own. If it’s not apparent now, just give them a few years.

I guess you have to ask yourself if you’d rather try to get help for your kids now, or risk having them turn out like their mom or worse. If you want to do something now before their lives are seriously screwed, then get into action. Consult an attorney, find out what your rights are (and the rights of your kids) and DO SOMETHING. Get your kids (and yourself) into a good family counselor–your wife may not want to change, but it sounds like you do for the sake of your kids, and at the very least, your kids need to learn constructive ways to deal with the crap it sounds like their parents have put them through so far.

Depending on what state you’re in, there may be assistance for after-school care from your state’s human services office. You can also contact your local area YMCA/YWCA/Boys and Girls Club for afterschool programs on a sliding scale. If worse comes to worse, call the school office and ask them if they know of any families who may need some extra income by watching your kids afterschool. (Maybe a high school student who could use some extra money.)

There are always other options. It sounds like you’re very comfortable being in your miserable life and aren’t too willing to rock the boat to do what you know needs to be done. Sorry it my post sounds unfeeling or mean, but if two adults want to be idiots, then it’s on them. It’s another story when kids are dragged through idiot adult behavior.

17

Should you just disappear?

Only if you want to instill an abandonment complex in your children. You are their only stability in their whole lives. If you leave them with their crazy mother they will have no grounding, no stability. And how can you be so confident that, without you around as her primary target, she won’t turn her aggressions on the children?

As an adult child of a bipolar mom, I have a very difficullt time believing that children being raised by this woman are happy and well-adjusted. They might be now, but not for long. No child will reach adulthood still being happy and well-adjusted with a parent who is that unstable. And I can’t think of anything meaner or more cruel than splitting and leaving the poor kids with this basket case. If you were my dad and you did that to me, I’d hate you until your dying day, and probably for some time after.

18

Your wife brings back memories of my dead-and-good-riddance aunt. She was a champion manipulator who did everything from shoplifting to causing a traffic accident to self-harm (at least 3 suicide attempts before the last one finally worked) every time my uncle tried to leave. And since she died he’s been in and out of the psychiatric ward and he just drifts through life like a boat without a sail.

The law clinic at your work is a good place to start. There should be a domestic violence hotline in your area that you can call; see if they can give you some ideas of a safe place for you AND THE KIDS to go. If you had/have clinical depression, I’m assuming you had to go to doctors and therapists. Try to pick their brains for ideas.

Just because she’s never harmed the kids in the past doesn’t mean she won’t if she goes off the rails. It could be that she hasn’t because you’ve always given in and gone back. There’s no telling what kind of hidden ugly could come out and they’re the easiest targets. Even if she didn’t hit them, they’re handy targets for screaming fits and emotional manipulation (“Daddy left us because you’re bad!”)

19

What I always point out in these cases, and what has already been alluded to, is what do you think you’re teaching your kids? When they grow up, do you think they will have healthy relationships?

Women leave their men with their kids and run to shelters or domestic abuse places. What makes you think you have any right to run away and leave your kids with this psycho?

You made the kids, you’re responsible for them. Call a domestic abuse hotline. Get help.

20

Stand up and be your children’s dad. Do not abandon them with their mother. Lots of people do not think they can afford to make lots of decisions that need to be made. The primary obstacle you keep putting up is money…money to support you and your family, money to pay for care of your children while you work, legal costs etc. Trust me you can make it work, you have to make it work. Don’t let your wife’s bullying tactics keep you and your family in a harmful relationship.

Just take the kids and move out. Inquire about after school care at your kids’ school. Talk to your employer about more flexible hours.