What will being separated from my wife accomplish?
We’ve been together for 15 years and only recently celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. I use the term celebrate in a loose sense only. We’ve been quite at odds for about a year or so.
For the record, I’m not the one seeking the separation. It’s her idea. Claims to not know if she loves me any more. Thinks distance will make the heart grow fonder, I guess. As for me, I just couldn’t fathom being apart from her. As it is, we just moved into a new house yesterday. First night in the new place and she follows through with her plan by setting up shop in the study. The kids go to bed (boy and girl, 4 and 7) and she’s downstairs in a flash making up the guest bed for herself. I’m speachless. Not that I didn’t think she would do it but I thought we’d at least share the same bed for the first night in the new house.
What’s more, there was a thunder storm last night. The kids always get frightened during a thunderstorm and run into our bed. I love thunderstorms for that reason alone! Anyway, in a new house with boxes all around and strange shadows, they are more frightened than usual and I’m out of bed the second I hear them stir after the first crack of thunder. I find them both heading confused down the hall. Sleepy and scared. The youngest has his fingers in his ears and his eyes are wide open in fright. I grab them both in my arms and cuddle them in my bed. My wife, never comes up to check on them. She’s gotta be up for her usual 5am triathlon group training bike ride. She didn’t even care to have a first breakfast in the new house this morning before I headed off to work.
Now, I don’t mean to paint her as a bad mom. She’s been absolutely fantastic. As a mom, she’s second to none. Our kids are wonderfully well adjusted and cared for. We’re always hearing nice things said about them from friends and strangers alike.
The thing is, I never thought I want to be separated from her. Today, I can think of nothing I’d like better.
So, does distance/abscence make the heart grow fonder?
Absence will make the heart grow fonder if that’s the direction it’s already headed in.
To know what her heart wants: ask her, maybe she knows.
BTW, I don’t think you guys are really separated, still living in the same house and all. Technicality, I know, but I think an important one.
It seems like she needs to re-establish her sense of self (which separations are good for) as possibly evidenced by her lack of participation in last night’s parenting escapade.
But try not to guess too much about what she wants. Ask her.
I can only imagine how stressful this is for you.
Advice (FWIW): get a clear sense of what you want, take stock of how you’ve been going about getting it.
If you are able to do this, then you will be more free to listen to her with the intent to understand.
She wants what we all want. More romance, more passion, more deep emotional bonding. I’m not averse to it. I’m all for it. I’m just a little spent right now due to other recent stresses in our lives. You see, I’ve been out of work for 18 months and only got back to work six months ago. We were financially comfortable before that but the 18 month exhausted our savings. We are basically starting from scratch now. To a great extent, I’ve been feeling like I’ve let her and the kids down and I’ve not exactly been a joy to be around 100% of the time. Add to that my naturally cynical nature (but in a good way!) and it’s a cocktail for a guy who’s been kind of hard to live with.
Thing is, she’s always been my touchstone. She’s been the up to my downs. Of couse, no sooner do I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel (new job), she begins her mid-life crisis. I want to understand. I want to help. I want to be there for her. Trouble is, she doesn’t want that so much. She’s got her friends and her tri training and races. I am exceedingly feeling less and less a part of her life.
And now, she wants to separate for a while… (sigh) … I’m at a loss… and I’m almost never at a loss! I get angry and I spring into action and I deal with a problem head on! But this is not a problem that will be met head on…
QuickSilver, everything you are saying could be about my marriage. I had left for a week, and really missed him. I asked him for a month long separation after that, because I needed to know for sure how I felt. The thing is, I love him, he’s a good friend too, but through the daily married life, I am so angry with him that I cannot let go of the small stuff. Everything he does is not seen as an innocent mistake, but a deliberate f*** off to me and what I’d thought we had worked through.
He didn’t leave, and now I’m planning our divorce.
And, I meant to say, the point of the separation is to gain some perspective. For me that means being able to let go of the small annoyances, and to be able to see them for what they are: small. I’d also like to miss him. I like what X~Slayer(ALE) said. Makes alot of sense. Being madly in love isn’t enough, however.
That is probably one of the single most wisdom-filled nuggets I’ve heard in a loooong time. Just had to say that.
Incidentally, QuickSilver, I remember when my mom moved into a different bedroom. It was about a year before she asked my dad for a divorce. It is my opinion that she had already made up her mind at this point. I think the only thing you can do is make sure that she knows that you still love her and still want her. Other than that, it’s kinda out of your hands. This sucks, I know. But there’s nothing else that can be done.
Ooh, the whole “let my family down” thing. Now I really feel for you.
Do what you can to forgive yourself, you can’t afford to be down on yourself right now. Get on with being the man you want to be.
More advice (FWIW of course): it sounds like you guys are kind of at an impasse in terms of working stuff out, she’s looking out for #1 at this point.
Agree to table any differences at this point, but ask her for an appointment to re-visit the issues when she thinks it will be ok to do so. It may be a month or longer, if you let her define how long she needs, and respect that, it should spread some good will around.
Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for this nugget. It was one of the quotes (paraphrased) from Boogle.com, It just seemed very appropriate for this thread.
QuickSilver
Take heart, love is a very strong emotion. She fell in love with you once before and in between then now, some things have changed. If you truly love this woman, seek out the things she loved about you and remind her that it is still the same you.
It all sounds like I need to get with the program. Writing’s on the wall, mate!
… and I don’t want to be the guy who refuses to take “No” for an answer. I just wish somebody notified me at the start that the rules may change mid game without prior notice.
How does one behave when one’s marriage is about to fall apart? We put on a damn good show for the kids and they are still young enough that we can get away with most things for a little while longer… but when they’re in bed, then what?
Do we just smile pleasantly at each other and head off to our respective corners of the house? Do I start looking for some cheap new digs for myself? I don’t think I can go a day without seeing the kids.
Of course, according to Mrs QS, I can still spend time with them every morning at breakfast, like we do now. I’m sure it would be convenient if I arrive by 5am so she doesn’t have to miss her training. But what about good night hugs and kisses and talks about their day. It’s just not the same by phone. And how the hell am I supposed to get over her if I have to see her every day?
And since it’s her that wants to separate and find herself, isn’t it only fair that I should get the kids? After all, the kids and I pretty much know who we are…
Of course, I have to go to work… who’d be with them after school in the afternoons?
All of my life I heard something like, “Nothing in life is guaranteed.” I guess with the exception of death. I think that being in a relationship is a lot more work than not being in one. It seems that it takes a lot of daily effort and energy to make sure things are going well.
On behaves the way that is best for them. Do you want to watch this happen or are you going to do something about it? Do you let your marriage die or fight for it? Is slow death better than a quick ending.
Try marriage counselling.
Try Talking. Air out your grievances. Compromise.
Try a romantic retreat for just the 2 of you, to talk and listen to each other with no strings attached. Dont let money or work distract you from what is important, each other. Sometimes work or hobbies are used to get away from the pain that one feels at home. Most times they are a symptom not the cause.
If there is no other way, plan to make it as easy and painless for the kids as possible. Let them know without question or doubt that your breakup has absolutely nothing to do with them or their behavior. You both still love them, just not together. Be civil to one another and never use your kids to get back at the other.
One behaves in a way that is dignified, honest, true, morally upright, genuine, and pure of motive. Find your confidence, get grounded, centered, in touch with your spirituality.
It’s important to have a sense of surrendered confidence (faith in the fact that no matter what happens, it will all be OK, you will survive this and so will your family, and you will not lose yourself).
get a clear sense of what it is you want (writing it down often helps). State it to her clearly and simply. Tell her that you are willing to work to get it. Tell her how you feel about her, and the whole situation.
If she insists on the separation, talk about your feelings, don’t blame her, don’t pull any dirty tricks to make her feel bad, the temptation will be strong. Apologize when you screw up in this regard (or any for that matter).
Get counseling, if she doesn’t want to go, you should anyway; do some work on yourself (assuming you are interested in doing work on yourself, it’s pretty difficult)
Did you try asking her for an appointment to talk about things?
She wants YOU to move out? the nerve. How do you feel about that?
We’ve talked and sometimes shouted (not in the presence of the kids), cried and let things rest and then talked again.
The kids are not an issue. We both undestand how important they are to us and how neither of us could stand to be denied unlimited access to them and they to us. We’ll do everything we can to make sure they do not get caught in the middle of this.
I know that I’ve not been there for her in the way that she wanted me to be in the past. Perhaps I just didn’t understand, or perhaps I didn’t want to. Perhaps I took her for granted in some ways. She admits to doing the same from time to time.
The thing is, I’m not willing to let her go and I’m more than ready to do everything I can to make her believe in us again. Thing is, it may already be too late for her.
I won’t give up. But of course, that does not mean I will succeed - and that’s what scares me the most.
… I know this board is not meant to be a forum for merrital advice… perhaps I need to stop now.
We talk regularly. Talking has never been a problem for us. We may disagree but we’ve always talked.
I guess it’s not decided on who is moving out, or when. She mentioned it in passing and intimated that it may be me who ought to move out but she is not pressing the point. Neither is she saying that she’ll be moving out.
We just moved into the new house and we are still unpacking boxes and deciding where things should go. She’s moved out of our bedroom into the guest room. Beyond that, nothing is decided… our issues are just floating in the air like cob webs.
If I had to decide, I’d say she ought to go but the kids stay with me. Not because it’s a weapon for me to use agains her but because she is the one who initiated this separation. She needs to find out who she is and what she wants. I have no doubts about what it is I want. Is that unfair of me?
As for talking to someone… well, posting here helps a little. I appreciate everyone’s thoughtful comments. Being the cynic that I am, I’m a little averse to having a complete stranger at the bedside of my mind. Then again, I’m spilling my guts here, so a professional may not be so bad…
The kids should be with both of you equally, if you can both provide what they need (and it sounds like you can).
Maybe the separation will allow both of you to see more clearly. Maybe you’ll be able to prioritize better than you did in the past. The separation is the time to establish new habits if that’s what you want. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Painful, yes. But sometimes that is what’s required in order to see what it is you really want.
Distance makes you appreciate what you first had.
If she is going to be moving into her own place she may want to date you like you did in the early days. It quite often works.
No, I dont think its unfair. I think its very sensible. The kids need a stable environment. They are just settling in to that new house, uprooting them so soon after that will tend to make them incorporate the unstability your your relationship. Moving out would also be greatly unsettling to you. You will be alone and isolated and away from anything familiar that you can use to get your bearings. The person who wants out should feel that to really get a grasp of the situation.
And as hard as it is to talk to a complete stranger, at this point what are you going to lose? Sometimes a new perspective is what is needed. You both have set ways into thinking and reacting. A third person can easily see this and may be able to come op with a fresh and effective way to compromise, get around a stticky point or negotiate. Try something different.
O BTW. Keep in mind that we here in the SDMB are complete strangers. Annonymity eases your reluctance. A professional has his oath of privacy which should do the same. Feel comfortable with their professionalism and skill.