I’m just curious to hear from other people who have gone through this. What do the statistics say about the chances of getting back together? What have your personal experiences been?
In our case, we’re doing this to clear our heads and find a bit of ourselves in the absence of the other, but there is no animosity, no fighting or name calling, no accusations – and our goal is to be better people for one another when we get back together. But I know their are no guarantees in life, and who is to say that one or both of us will have different views on getting back together after this period of time.
I’d just like to hear about what other folks have been through.
No advice, just support. If you need someone to talk to or unload on feel free to email me. (And if you need some theraputic Scrabble I can offer that as well!)
I’ve separated twice with my spouse and we’ve gotten back together stronger than before. The first time was due to my infidelity and the second time was for similar reasons to your own. That time we found out that we had too much to lose to give up on our marriage and as bestfriends, we couldn’t stand to be apart. It’s been 5 years now and everything is going great.
That sounds very similar to what we’re going through right now. From an emotional standpoint, neither of us wants to split up. But whenever we stop crying and are able to discuss rationally, we both keep coming to the same conclusion that this is what’s best and necessary for us to have a chance to basically hit the reset button on our marriage.
We first met when I was 20 and she was 19, and neither of us had ever spent any real time out in the world on our own before we got together. Our identities are wrapped up in one another. We’re currently 34 and 32, respectively. And so now we’re going to try to figure out who we are as individuals and maybe bring more to the marriage than we’ve been able to in the past.
I hope our story turns out like yours, faithfool. Thank you for sharing it.
My wife and I separated for a year before we divorced, but it was because North Carolina’s divorce laws require it. Nothing to add re: separation as therapy for a stronger marriage. Sorry.
I have not been through a separation (although we could probably use it!), but my parents have. It was a tough year for all involved, but they went through counseling and ended up stronger and better than ever! Good luck!
I don’t really know anything about it, but it seems to me that the problem with a trial separation is that you get very used to living without each other and don’t work on the issues that you have while together.
I think the biggest factor is what the TRUE motivation for each party is in the separation. I separated from my first husband, got back together, separated again, got divorced. My motivation each time was to give him the space he needed to decide if he wanted to be together. His motivation each time was to figure out if his new girlfriend was a better deal, and to let me down ‘easy’ by not ripping out hope quickly.
i.e. if the separation is truly about healing, or about finding yourself to become a better couple - your chances of getting back together are better than if the separation is really about "one of us has already made up their minds, but is too wimpy to say anything.
I want to thank people for the warm wishes even when no specific advice was had. I really appreciate that. Maybe I should have started this thread in MPSIMS.
At any rate, I think Dangerosa’s point is a really good one. We are somewhere in between the two examples you gave. She is convinced she’s coming back after the separation, and that it’s not about seeing other people. I’m…less convinced. But time will tell.
msmith537, both of us have expressed that concern to one another. We each have a list of things we want to work on while we’re apart, and we have very specific plans to come back together after a certain period of time on at least a trial basis to work on those things together that can’t be worked on apart. That has to be part of the process.
Shodan, those statistics are somewhat depressing, but I know we aren’t just numbers, either. We’re both reminded often that what is happening between us is about what is happening between US, and no amount of “most people” or “other people” or “normally” really adds up to much when it comes down to it. We just have to worry about us.
Wait, I’m confused. Are you less convinced because you think that she is being disengenuous and is saying she wants to come back but really wants to see other people or are you saying that she feels like she wants to make it work and that you want to see other people?
There is another man involved to some extent, and while she currently believes that it is not a big deal for her to leave that relationship behind, I believe that he is more important to her than she realizes at the moment.
My husband and I dated years ago for about 5 years. We broke up after a year of long-distance. We reconnected 10 years ago. Lived together for 5 years, then lived in sparate apartments not too far from eachother for a year, then he moved to another state for a year. We’ve been married since early 2007 and things are going well.
There wasn’t any infidelity or anything. He went through a particularly long period of depression and self-medication that made living together tough. He still gets depressed, but we handle it together now.
Thank you for sharing that, and I’m glad that you’ve been able to work on your relationship together.
There is much in our relationship right now that would suggest we are better off ending things now and trying to be friends rather than sticking this out, but we haven’t quite given up yet.
Hubby and I went through a period of separating and trying to get back together. Things would be better for just a little while, then go bad again. I finally accepted that I needed to let it go completely. (The day he left for “good”, I told him in the driveway, "I think we’ve got to burn it down and rebuild it if it’s ever going to work.) We stayed really apart that time, with both of us building our separate lives. We both grew and changed tremendously. We spoke on the phone some times, and he visited occasionally (we have a daughter together, and he was living out of state).
He finally decided to move to our town to be near his daughter. I agreed to let him stay with us, assuming he would stay until he’d found a job and a place of his own.
He had grown and changed so much, that I couldn’t believe it.
I’m trying to tell the rest of this without getting too teary-eyed and Hallmarky, but it’s tough…
He has become the man I always saw in his heart. We have changed the way we deal with our feelings, our disagreements, our problems…now we are a team, and that is how we face everything in our life. Even when I finally let him go, I still loved him and believed we were meant for each other, but that love is not enough. Turns out that we were meant for each other.
We are living our happily ever after.
I would rather live alone than live badly with my love. It took what it took for us, and was worth every moment of pain and loneliness to get where we are.
Best wishes to you and your love, whether together or apart.
