Update on my desintegrating marriage

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

HeyHomie’s thread reminded me that I never updated the Dope on my desintegrating marriage described here.

So in May, I told my wife I wasn’t going to renew our lease together in September. I told her I would take the kids to my brother’s house for a few days so she could settle down and make plans. The kids and I had a great time - we didn’t talk to my wife from Friday afternoon to Sunday night at seven when we got back to the house. While we were away we saw several of my siblings and my neices and nephews - the burritos loved it!

On the day I left with the kids, she picked up a prescription for Lorazapam because she was having an acute panic attack.

There was half a bottle of rum in the back of the fridge that I had forgotten about.

Can anyone guess what we found when we got back Sunday evening?

If you said we found her semi-comatose with a plastic bag over her head you were right! Fortunately I was able to shuffle the kids into their room before they could really see what was going on, but they did get a glimpse of the bag. I quickly explained that mommy was really sick and that they had to stay in their room for a bit. I called 911 and worked on waking her up while I waited for help to arrive. The kids kept popping out of the room while the EMT’s were loading her onto the stretcher, but the upstairs neighbors had come down when they heard the sirens, so I was able to send the kids up out of the way with them.

Fortunately, they got her to the hospital and were able to wake her up - she was transfered to the psych ward a day or so after admission and there she stayed for 5 days. I explained to the kids that mommy was in the hospital because she was playing with a bag on her head & that it made it so hard to breathe that she almost died. I told them that she was really sick and that the sickness made her forget about what is safe and what is dangerous.

I told her doctor that I didn’t think it was a good idea for her to come home because I wasn’t able to properly care for her, there were small kids in the house and she might make another attempt on her life. They didn’t care- she was released.

We had a lot of conversations when she got home (I had sent the kids to my mom’s) until she convinced me that she wouldn’t do anything with them around. I was pretty mad that she hadn’t locked the door so they couldn’t see her when we got home. After a while, she seemed pretty stable and I brought the kids back.

She is still not taking her meds, or doing anything her therapist has suggested. She has lost control a couple of times, and physically assaulted me once. (I took pictures and made a police report which she doesn’t know about) She has berated me numerous times over slight or imagined transgressions.

When the kids aren’t in day camp, I’ve been sending them to relatives. This has been the best summer of their lives. They’ve been showered with hugs, love, gifts and positive attention, as well as seeing a fair amount of the midwest.

The courts can obligate me to pay for her upkeep until a divorce is finalized so we’ve decided to split next summer. Things are looking up at my job, and I’ve been gradually trimming the household budget to where I’ll be able to support myself and the kids, and still pay her whatever the court requires.

School starts in a couple of weeks and I have a mini vacation coming up, so I’ll be home for about a week before labor day. Once school starts she is generally ok unless I talk about leaving. My plan is to send the kids away on their breaks and get all the conversations she doesn’t want to deal with out of the way before they come back.

to be continued…

2

This isn’t going to wait until next summer, and it won’t end well.

Sorry, I wish I could say otherwise.

Protect and take good care of yourself and your children.

3

Yeah, I don’t think you have much time before things implode, either.

On the plus side–I disagree with Chimera. It will end well; you and the Burritos will be free from the insanity, at least for most of the time. However, it’s going to be a very long and trying time until you reach that end.

Good luck to you. Stay strong. Get a good lawyer and a good therapist. Both will be very important for getting through this, to that happier, more peaceful end.

4

It sounds to me that the bag over the head thing was not an attempt at suicide, but was instead an attempt to lay a guilt trip on you and illicit sympathy.

You were gone the whole weekend and yet you arrive in the nick of time to save her from asphyxiation? Sounds more like she slipped the bag over her head and “collapsed” right before she knew you would be coming through the door to “save” her.

If her head had indeed been in the bag for any real amount of time, her head would have at least been extremely sweaty. Was it?

5

OP, you sound like a really nice guy and good father. If there’s any way you can get yourself and the kids out now, I think you really should do it. All you’re doing right now is giving your wife a sweet deal, knowing she’s got another year of easy street with just as long to plan the next dramatic/tragic exit. Will it really be that much of an advantage for you, for her next “suicide” attempt to succeed or fail either now or a year from now? Plus, the longer you wait, the older the kids will be and the more they will understand what’s going on.

To clarify - you intend to complete the divorce by next summer, is that correct? I’m not sure by saying the word “split” whether you mean simply parting ways by then because the divorce will be finalized, since you have financial responsibility until then, anyway?

Maybe someone else with more knowledge of the law can chime in here, but at the very least, if you stay in this apartment, make sure your name is not on the lease. That gives you an out at any time if you need it. Of course there’s the married thing, which may still affect whether or not you’re responsible for payments. I don’t know how that works but it might be worth exploring. Or see if you can go month-to-month if you have a good relationship with the landlord.

And for og’s sake, don’t get her pregnant again!

(Just for some background - I’m coming at this as someone who watched her younger cousins go through some similar shit with a totally cray-cray mother. The longer my uncle stayed with her, the more messed up my cousins got, and the whole thing ended with the death of the youngest when he had to take himself to kindergarten one morning and was hit by a car. Was she outwardly abusive to the kids? No. Its not like she ever hit them. Did one die because she was in her own little world and refused to take her meds? Yes. Are the other three permanently scarred by having spent so much time with nutso mom at home? Yes. So, yeah, all you’re going to hear from me is GTFO, GTFO, now, now, NOW.)

6

Sorry to hear all this Burro. I still think that splitting up will, in the long run, do her a lot of good too.

So in the current plan the kids would be coming with you when you two split, right? Last time you were talking about disappearing while still supporting them, but I was worried because, even if she wouldn’t physically harm them, she is in no state to properly care for them either.

I’m so glad you managed to make sure they had a great summer despite all that happened! You’ll get through this, I’m sure. Things will get calmer once you two have split, she will be able to get better as well when she can’t depend on you anymore. Good luck, I hope you manage to separate soon!

7

That sounds about right.

IMHO your wife probably has a personality disorder, they are very much like mental illnesses, but they are not caused by a chemical imbalance in the body, they are caused by other factors. I don’t know what, but it seems to be a combination of nature & nurture. You said in your other thread

That is not healthy parenting, that is shitty parenting, and no doubt your wife has learned behaviours in order to get anywhere in life, because she doesn’t understand how to behave normally.

There is little or nothing you or anyone else can do about it a person with a PD won’t respond to meds, and therapy doesn’t work at all, as they’ll say what they need to in order to get out of the therapy ASAP.

Your choices are to stay with her [for whatever reason you can think of] and come home to find her with pills and alcohol, or a sharp knife, or whatever method of attempting to kill herself she can come up with when she sees you approaching the house. Or get out, and get out NOW.

Your life and your kids lives are going to be made utter hell. She is not going to change. She will lull you into a false sense of security that she’s fine and all is well until the next time she wants to create a drama for herself.

8

Agreeing with Corcaigh. Get out now, while your kids are still relatively un-traumatized.

9

One thing you’ve left out of the story is what she intends to do about your divorce plans. Most specifically, whether she intends to fight for custody. Because if she does, my money is on her to win.

She is the mother, she has not been tremendously neglectful WRT the kids specifically, and you have a job while she does not.

Good luck.

10

don’t be one of those jerks that kills his ex-wives…not cool dude.

11

Yes, her head was sweaty and her pupils were dilated in a way that can not be faked. The bag wasn’t tight, so air obviously was getting in, but probably not much. Also, she was as limp as though she were already dead. It was absolutely horrifying, even though I don’t like her at all and sometimes actively hate her. Horrifying.

Got snipped after she got pregnant while on the pill so little chance of me fathering any more kids.

Thanks for this piece of helpful advice. I do get tempted at times, but I know I would feel too guilty and I’d either spill the beans or I’d become a shell of the current shell I am. The reality of an actual death (suicide or otherwise) is not something I relish-even for people who behave as horribly as my wife.

For those who enjoy train wrecks: the other night, I was looking at porn on my phone while she was in the bathroom. Kids were asleep & I figured I’d have a good 3-5 min for 4Chan. She popped out of the bathroom and looked over my shoulder before I could shut my damn browser. She snatched the phone out of my hands and started bitching me out about looking at porn. I asked her why did she care what I did and instead of answering, she claimed that I would never be able to connect with anyone while I was interested in fantasies and the unrealistic, distorted version that porn propogates. She then headed off to the back porch. I thought she was just going to scroll through my history or look at my downloads, but her intention was much more sinister. Imagine my surprise to hear a series of loud bangs from the back porch. I ran back there, wondering did she somehow get access to a gun (we don’t have any at my house). No- no gun, just crazy wife smashing the shit out of my phone with a big ol’ claw hammer. I just started laughing - I couldn’t help it. I felt bad for her because in a lot of ways she is like a hurt animal, but at the same time, seeing her gleefully holding up my mangled phone as though it were a triumph just gave me the giggles. I took the phone and left to go file a police report. Now for the really crazy part: according to the law my phone is NOT “my” phone. My phone is OUR phone. She is allowed to destroy any and all marital property, because it is considered as much hers as mine. Lovely.

I’ll post again soon.

12

I am sure you will, as it seems to me that you are getting a bit of a kick out of regaling total strangers with the amusing saga of an imploding marriage and the downward spiral (giggle) of your wife’s mental health…

13

I have few friends. I choose not to bore them with the ugly parts of my life. I can only unload so much on family. I see a therapist regularly. I’m struggling to change things. Meanwhile, I can cry about the life I have created for myself and my kids or I can, from time to time, note the absurdity of it all and share my pain anonymously. I think posting here is better than other options that have occurred to me to let off steam. It’s also good for me to have access to outside, seemingly impartial perspectives.

Also, WTF am I supposed to do with a mentally ill wife? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get someone committed? Have you ever tried to make an adult do something they simply don’t want to do? I am all fucking ears. Please, if it’s not beneath your dignity to “regale total strangers,” tell us the tale of how you got an adult to take medicine they didn’t want to take. Tell us how you got them to meditate, to exercise, to breathe properly, to go to the doctor when they are supposed to. Here’s an idea that might not have occurred to you: If you don’t like what I post, ignore it. Don’t like my threads, don’t read them. Think I’m a jackass, start a pit thread about me and how awful I am. Fairly simple.

And if anybody thinks for a second that I don’t know EXACTLY what responsibility I bear for all this- you are flat out wrong. I wish I had time to decompensate and collapse in a weepy pile of shame and regret for being the needy fuck that got caught up with my wife. For ignoring the warnings, for being stupid, for being reckless, for not having my shit together. I don’t get that luxury now. All I can do is keep moving forward, and keep doing the best that I can with the resources at my disposal, including the helpful people here.

14

Don’t listen to Mbp this is exactly the place to post the crazy in your life, hopefully venting here will keep you balanced.

Cheers CAPT

15

Been there, done that. Came out the other side a better person for it. I didn’t have kids with the woman, so I had a bit of an easier row to hoe.

My advice: don’t wait until the school year’s over. Make a short term exit plan - weeks, not months - and execute it. You’re not responsible for your wife’s actions, and the best thing you can do for yourself and your kids is to get all y’all out of that toxic environment, quickly. Worry less about future alimony and more about scraping together the cash to pay retainer for a nasty sonofabitch of a divorce lawyer.

Has anybody mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder to you? Because your posts are sending up a lot of red flags.

16

I was giving my honest opinion about the overall tone I saw in your posts.

I have never experienced what you are dealing with, but as I said before, it seems like you are playing it for a few (cheap) laughs, and I don’t see much funny about a couple of young children almost walking in on their mother’s dead body laying on the couch…

I do understand that you are venting here, and everyone deals with stress differently, and so I will have no more to say about it, but in all sincerity, I hope you, your wife and your children all get the help and healing that you need, (both individually and as a family) whatever that may be.

17

Great job shitting on a guy while he is down!

18

Are we reading the same thread? OP’s posts show no apparent intent at humor.

19

And some people’s way of dealing with very stressful situations is through humor. Never assume that humor means someone isn’t hurting or is flippant about it. My brother in law was making jokes about his own death the night before he lost consciousness.

20

Also true. My own coping strategy tends to rely on dark humor. Healthier than drinking, smoking, drugs, or assaulting someone, IMO.