Marriage circling the drain (Long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
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Chorus:
*Get a LiveJournal
Get a LiveJournal
Get a muh-fuggin LiveJournal
*

Sorry. I don’t normally post this kind of thing on the SDMB, but I need to vent, and the folks at the forum where I normally deal with some of the underlying issues in this situation tend to have a one-track mind about things and are a little too 12-steppy. Most of them are in the middle of extended continuing crises themselves, and it’s helpful to get perspectives from (relatively) normal people like y’all.

Also, I’ve got a few days until I see my therapist, and I need to get some of this off my chest.

So. After eight years (four married) of a bit of this, a spoonful of this, and a whole heaping helping of this (the answer is C, BTW. Always.) I think I’m finally ready to make the move and call it quits.

There’s been a precipitating incident. I’d avoid sharing the details as they’re just so pathetic, but some of the broad outlines of my week will give you a better idea: my wife ate 26 Ambien over four days, including at least six in the eight hours before I finally called 911. Over those four days, she got maybe five hours of sleep, in 10-minute increments of drug-induced unconciousness. Imagine living with a stumbling zombie who has conversations with people who aren’t there, flips the lights on at three in the morning to pull all of her clothes out of her closet to rearrange them, and goes outside to get the mail topless, because she forgot to put a shirt on.

I finally called 911 yesterday morning. While I was on the phone with the dispatcher, she tried to drive away in our car. On at least six Ambien.. I managed to block her.

EMS and the police showed up. Her vitals were OK, and she wasn’t an immediate danger to herself or others, so they let her go. On the advice of her shrink (who I had on the phone), I tried to get them to take her to the ER and draw blood, but she refused.

After the cops and firefighters left, we had a brief argument, and then she slept like a log all afternoon. When she woke up, she was one pissed off puppy. I was treated to the usual insults and threats, though she didn’t mention suicide this time, oddly enough. I took it as an encouraging sign, until I realized that she realized I would probably call 911 again and she’d be going to the hospital for real.

Oh, and she dealt me a bit of rudeness that bordered on sexual assault. And she says she’s going to fire her shrink.

Throughout the ordeal, I stuck to my guns, generally refused to argue, and managed to only raise my voice twice in four hours. Yay me.

Did I mention that she wants to try to have kids this fall? I’ve kindly, firmly, and repeatedly told her that I’d like to see a significant improvement in her behavior (meaning, quit being crazy for a few months) before I agree to this plan, but really, there’s No Fucking Way Nope Hell Naw.

Anyway, I think the implications of the whole husband-not-being-a-pushover thing started to sink in with her today, and she managed to admit to a small amount of wrongdoing and started to try to (mostly) bargain with me rather than threaten me.

At most other times in the past, this is where I would start to cave. After all, I’d weathered the latest storm, we’re still together, and nobody’s in jail. What’s one little concession? And another? And another?

But not this time. I realized it when I posted a thread about leaving my cat behind: I’m done with it. I’m calm, sober, and 100% rational. After I talk to my therapist, I’m (finally) going to set up a consultation with a lawyer.

I think I’ve been waiting for a few months for the other shoe to drop - to catch her cheating, or to clock me, or anything that would give me a soundbite reason to get up and walk out the door. I used to consider the kind of crap I put up with to be normall, or a function of her disability, or something that I as her husband was obligated to put up with or help fix. Hell, I posted that Pit thread nearly three years ago. I should have ended it then. Or before. Dumbass.

I’m not going to tell her until I get some things in order, and I hope to hell I don’t backslide over the next couple of weeks. Somebody kick my ass if I do.

I’m feeling simultaneously unbelievably sad and unbelievably relieved.

Hell, that’s all I’ve got.

And how was your weekend?

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When I read your cat thread earlier today, what went through my head was, “you know it’s time to call it quits when you’re mostly sad about what’s happening to the cat…”

Sorry, and hugs, and good luck. She sounds just like the girlfriend of a formerly-pushover friend of mine. He’s had to shut her out for his own sanity, and I’ve been cheering him on. Am cheering you too, now.

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Sorry to read you’re going through this and have been for some time. A lot of people would have left a long time ago. No matter what happens, at least you know you’ve really, really tried.

I think you know you don’t need a soundbite reason to leave. Sometimes you just have to save yourself.

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“I’m sick of her shit.”

There’s your soundbite.

Good luck - and take the cat with you!!!

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Take the cat. Good luck.

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It’s hard to be the one who makes the decision to end a marriage. I also waited for a “reason”. Waited longer than I should have, but it did let me tell myself I did everything I could. It sounds like you’re there. You know what you need to do. If she’s going to change, she’ll have to do it without you. And in spite of you. My then husband tried to tell me he couldn’t make any changes until I came back. I guess he was right, because he still hasn’t done it, but that made me realize I couldn’t do it anymore. Go. Take care of you. You can’t fix this for her. You can only change it for you.

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It sounds like your marriage is dead, has been for a while, but it just hasn’t fallen over yet. I’m not a big fan of just divorce your spouse when things get tough, but there’s tough, and then there’s abusive. Your wife sounds abusive. If she has every intention of dragging herself down, you don’t have to go down with her, callous as that may sound. You can’t save everyone.

Good luck with the next little while.

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Man, sucks to be you. It also sounds like it sucks to be her as well. OTOH, I just went back and read those threads you linked to above, and it totally sucks to be you.

My mother, a divorce attorney, said that there were only two people who ever get divorced. “That bitch”, and “that bastard”. I think she got it half right in your case.

You know this isn’t going to be easy. It also sounds like like you’ve steeled (or are steeling) yourself. Jeezus, I hope you’re okay, it sounds like a really crappy situation. Best of luck.

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Sorry to know that you’re going through this. I went through a rough marriage and breakup a few years ago (amply documented on the Straight Dope) and although it was tough at the time, it was the best decision I’d made since meeting the Man o’ My Dreams.

Hang in, take it day by day, and know that it does get better. Personally, I was so done by the time it was done that I didn’t find myself looking back with much except relief. Years later, the Ex and I are on friendly terms, and actually spend a little non-combative time together–but I’m always aware that if we didn’t have kids together, I’d want nothing to do with him at all.

Wishing you well.
Best,
karol

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Wow and whoa. I somehow missed those other threads. I give you credit for sticking it as long as you did (while reserving the thought that there are two sides to every story).

Good luck to you. To have come to a decision is a great relief in and of itself. The Husband and I just came to this decision last week. He is looking for apartments closer to his work and we plan on telling the kids right after school gets out.
I hope she gets the help she needs, but please know that it’s up to her to get that help.

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Totally. I’ve got plenty of faults, many of which some people would find unacceptable in a long-term partner. It took me a while to get all codependent and shit, and it’s my fault, not hers. That’s why I go to my shrink. C’est la vie.

Thanks for words of support, everybody. It’s hard to hang tough until and pretend I’m not thinking about leaving until it’s really time to go, but saying it out loud, even if it’s just on a message board, really helps to keep my eye on the ball.

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I feel ya man. This sounds a lot like where I was 4 years ago. As has been said before, and as you probably already know, the only one who can help her is her. And then only if she really wants it.

The best thing we can do for anyone we love is take care of ourselves. It sounds more selfish than it is but seriously, who wants to be married to a dependant, subserviant, neurotic who… wait a minute, that’s my current wife. The ex was just a druggie, now quite reformed and recovering.

Yeah, I feel ya. My next therapy is tomorrow.

Good luck and take my advice - don’t look back.

Letting go is just that, letting go. Imagine being on a bridge holding a rock over the edge. If you let go of the rock it is gone. You will always remember the rock, but the rock is gone, best to live like it never existed.

This came from quite a bit of therapy myself, before I was more likely to spin around and throw the rock at someone.

Again, good luck and many blessings.

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Um … yes, take the cat. Don’t second guess anything now, just get the cat, hop in the car, and leave. You’ve got no kids, you are so unbelievably free–just go. You can, you know.

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Am I the only one who read this and saw a rope tying the rock to my neck? :smiley:

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You’ve lived with a mentally ill person for over 8 years…? Hats off to you.

The cat link is broken, but my advice would be to give the cat away to someone so that it doesn’t become a huge issue between you. Do it when she’s in one of her stupors. You can’t leave him/her behind to be cared for someone like your wife. That would be irresponsible. And if she knows you have him/her she might become fixated on that. Better to take the cat out of the equation.

If your wife has family please let them know that you’ve left so that they can come in and care for her if they choose. Just like it’s not responsible to leave the cat in your wife’s care, it’s not responsible to leave your drug saddled wife alone.

Good luck to you. And for the love of all that is holy, do not impregnate her, whether you stay or go. She’s not stable enough to be a mother. But if she senses you are leaving then she might try the oldest trick in the book to get you to stay.

Eleanorrigby, so sorry for your pain, too. It’s a tough week, folks.

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Just so everybody’s clear, and PunditLisa doesn’t get any ulcers:

[ul]
[li]IUD’s are wonderful things[/li][li]We’re currently living in her mother’s house, and her mom’s mostly aware of our difficulties[/li][li]She does truly love the cats - she often relates better to them than to people. The worst that’ll probably happen is the box won’t get cleaned for a few days.[/li][/ul]

I’ve checked out a few apartments on Ludlow that look pretty reasonable, even if I end up spending a third of my income on alimony for a few years. I’m planning on starting grad school for nights this fall, and it’ll be nice being close to both campus and Northside, where I tend to like to hang out.

Oh, and eleanorigby? Good luck. It sounds like you’ve got a much harder row to hoe than I do, and I hope everyone involved comes out of the experience relatively all right.

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Thank you, but heavens–no, I don’t have it harder or more painful than anyone else. In fact, The Husband and I are quite civil about this (now–we took our time scratching at the superglue that stuck us together and complaining mightily the whole while). There is no (obvious) mental illness on either side–we may have actually become adults when we weren’t looking. I can easily see us being fairly friendly as exes (now), but we’ve been married 21 years. At 8 years in–we were just starting to see the foundation cracks.

Having done the 4 years of therapy (including the 2 marriage counseling sessions he went to–I can still snark. heh), I say keep going to therapy. It will help you get through the madness.

If you can, you might spare some compassion for your about to be ex–she seems to be kneedeep in pain (if not farther), but don’t let that compassion stop your forward motion. One day at a time.

IUDs are indeed wonderful, but condoms are too. :wink:

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Update, for those who care:

I’m out of the house. I moved on Sunday, with some help from my folks and a buddy who I reconnected with five years or so after my wife demanded that I end our friendship and “put our relationship first.”

It feels weird. After eight years or so of having no personal space of my own, I’ve been walking around this new apartment grinning like an idiot for a few days. That’s good.

On the other hand, it seems after eight years of virtual isolation, I’ve developed a bit of a social phobia. That’s not good.

Maybe I’ve avoided reconnecting with more folks because I’m wary of explaining the situation over and over and over again. I dunno. One day at a time.

On the marriage front, my wife has been behaving reasonably well. In the handful of days between me telling her I was leaving and me actually moving out, she was on her best behavior, and actually put something resembling dinner three nights in a row, which has never happened before. Since I’ve been out, she’s been clutchy, wanting reassurance a few times a day that I’m committed to working on the relationship.

Which is true, as far as that goes - I’ve been committed to working on it, but I’m finally coming to realize that the pooch may be well and truly screwed. I think I need to take a couple of weeks to settle in and build more confidence before I can tell her that.

Happy Independence Day, y’all.

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A happy Independence Day to you!

Damn, you’ve been through hell and back, haven’t you? OK, you’re not quite to the “and back” part yet, but you’ll get there.

Not to say your wife hasn’t had her own hell, but the big difference, as far as I can see, is you’re working on changing yours, and she just sits around moaning about hers. Guess who my sympathy’s with?

I have great respect that you stayed with her so long, but sometimes you just have to cut your losses and get the fuck outta Dodge, y’know? And it’s truly a blessing there were no little ones involved.

Best of luck to you. I’ll watch to see this get updated.

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Congratulations! Being in your own space after all of that can be very healing. Take good care of yourself and enjoy it!