No, YOU fucking think about it.

The BBQ Pit
1

I don’t think I can live with you like this. I’m going to call my parents tomorrow to see if I can stay with them for awhile. I’ll leave the checkbook and my ATM card. If you need groceries, you’re going to need to call me, because my calling you on bended knee and asking to “talk” and seeing if you “need anything” would be the least helpful thing for us right now.

I’ve thought long and hard about all of my recent behavior, and I honestly can’t think of anything I’ve done or said that could make you so angry and destructive. I’ve got my problems - but I’ve been fucking trying to work on them. Do you think I hauled my ass to a shrink for shits and giggles? Do you think I spend hours with you examining the minutae of my behavior and why it offends you so because I don’t care what you think? I work fifty hours a week, take six hours of classes, do the grocery shopping, pay the bills, do the laundry, drive you to the doctor once a week, and spend every single minute of every other hour at home with you. When the fuck would I have the time to cheat on you? And it’s been this way for Five. Fucking. Years.

Still, you won’t tell me what it is that I did. You tell me to “think about what I’ve done.”

You’re plenty communicative enough to let me know what the punishment is, though. Oh, excuse me, to “show me how it feels.” You slam eight beers starting at eleven this morning. You call up one of your old boyfriends to go out for a couple of drinks, making sure that I know that you’re not going to fuck him, but you could if you wanted to. And that if I don’t shape up, you probably will. You come back even more shitfaced, and tell me that it’ll be all my fault if you’re unfaithful, or if you decide to kill yourself.

And you honestly believe it.

Well I’m sick to fucking death of taking responsibility for your feelings. I’m sick of the fact that you can find it in your heart to blame yourself for your ex-husband’s infidelity, beatings, and rape, but can justify your own bad behavior for something I might have done.

What was it, two months ago that you flat out accused me of stealing and pawning your grandmother’s engagement ring? When it turned up the other day, mixed in with your own stuff, and you told me you were sorry - but - it was my fault that you accused me of lying to you because you didn’t feel like you could trust me. And what did I say? “Gee, honey, that’s fine. I’m sorry too.” I’m a fucking schmuck.

The shitty thing is, I desperately want to apologize for something and make all of this go away. And I’m really pissed at both of us for that.

So yeah, after work tomorrow, I’m going to come home, pack a bag, and go to my folk’s house. Then you can fuck whoever you want. I’ll spend my time on the back porch, smoking these shitty ass Brazilian cigarettes, mooching my Dad’s beer, and crying.

Call me if you need me.

Note: I’ve been hitting preview over and over and over, not sure if I really want to say anything like this in public. I don’t know any of you people personally, otherwise I would never even contemplate it. This is mostly just to vent, though giving me a heads up if I’m being a total fucking jackass would probably be appreciated. Right now, my wife is half-passed out on the couch, refusing to talk to me. I don’t know if I’ll follow through or not.

2

I should probably add that I’m not a complete gormless little pushover. Tonight, though, I’m getting the door slammed in my face no matter what I do.

3

I know you didn’t ask for advice. I’m not going to give any. Just going to say that if it were me, I woulda walked a long time ago.

4

You’re a good man. Don’t forget that.

5

Evidently, you are the lucky guy who took her off my hands. If so, strap yourself in for one hell of a ride.

I know that this is the last thing you ever want to hear, and I know this will do jack to make you feel better, but there really are way too many people in the world for you to let this one do this to you. I promise you there are better than this out there.

6

Puts my whole license plate thread in a new perspective. I partially know what you’re going through, but I’ve never dated a woman of that extreme. I wish I was the type that knew what to say, but in this case I think you need some venting before any rational thought of the next step. Good luck in this, hope the best for you.

7

It sounds like she’s an alcoholic, and drunks always blame everyone else for their own shitty behavior. Everybody else are the bad guys, never them. You’re definitely doing the right thing by leaving, and if you have any children, I’d recommend taking them with you, too. And start documenting everything – every beer she drinks at every hour of the day, etc. Believe me, it’ll come in handy during divorce proceedings (assuming she fights you on it).

Euthanasiast’s got it right – there are so many wonderful people out there, there’s just no reason on earth to waste time with, or waste time pining over, the bad ones. And this one sounds like a very bad one.

Best of luck. I’d give you a hug, but since this is the Pit, I’d probably get slugged. So just take a slap on the back and an “atta boy!” and go get a good night’s sleep.

8

RUN AWAY!!! That’s my only advice. Or maybe, change your name, don’t answer the phone etc.

NO ONE needs to deal with this kind of stuff. I’m not a huggy persons or I’ld give you some of those peren thingies.

9

Do not leave the checkbook and the ATM card.

Do as I say and not as I do.

10

Actually, she’s not. Well, at least not a drinking drunk. Until today, she’s had probably less than a dozen beers this year, one or two at a time.

The thing is, she’s a very sweet, caring, and empathetic person, usually. She’s kind to small children and animals. Likes to adopt adult cats. Cries at the thought of all the mindless suffering in the world. She’s never once mentioned anything remotely resembling infidelity before.

And I love her very much.

However, she does have a history of depression, and has threatened me with suicide a half dozen times over the years, though she’s never made any actual attempts. I’m waver between righteously pissed off at the melodrama and scared to death that she’d go through with it.

To top it all off, she’s been out of work since January due to a degenerative neurological condition, and can’t get up the energy most days to get out of bed. I know she’s feeling isolated and worthless right now, but with the depression, I can’t do anything to change her mind about it.

I’ve done my bit to fuck things up; when we first started dating, I was in a band, drinking heavily, and coming off a string of short term, sex-only relationships with zero emotional content. I’ve got a history of telling pointless little lies to avoid conflict, and I’m very, very guarded about my emotions. I tend to apologize quickly, but insincerely.

Hell, she’s eight years older than I am, and I’m still growing out of my mid-twenties emotional cripple phase.

But I’m working on it. I’ve stopped doing coke, and cut the booze back from a twelver a night to a couple on the weekends. I’m seeing a shrink for my ADD and to work on my ability to express my emotions and handle conflict honestly. I put her on my checking account (I’m not on hers) and quit looking at porn. I try to be concious of her abandonment issues with every thought and action.

I don’t fucking know what to do anymore. I’ve managed to convince myself that I’m a complete bastard for ever being angry at all, but I know that it’s not true.

And now this. I’m so hyped up right now I’m half-tempted to swipe one of her Xanax and a couple of Ambien and just chill the fuck out for the night, but I know that I’ll be awake anyway, a complete fucking mess. Hell, I feel like I’m being unfaithful even posting this. This sucks.

11

I was with you up to here; “Call me if you need me.” (But don’t leave the chequebook and ATM card.) She thinks she does need you - she thinks you’re her saviour, but you can’t fix anybody, and you can’t save anybody, and you’re not responsible for anybody but yourself. Looking into my crystal ball into the future, I see that there will come a day when you have to decide if you’re going to drown with her, or save yourself. If you want my advice, make that day now, and save yourself a whole lot of time and anguish.

12

QtM had a saying a while ago that amounted to “let go with love”. Based on your description I don’t see this relationship going anywhere positive for you.

As an aside, even though you’re upset) if you’ve got anything (re personal stuff) worth anything to you financially or emotionally, you had better take concrete steps to remove or protect it before you leave. If this is the end of the relationship and the other party understands this, your “stuff” can often “disappear” or be damaged.

13

I learned a very hard lesson in my youth, that perhaps you’re starting to learn for yourself; you cannot love someone into changing, particularly when they’re ill. This isn’t about you, what youv’e done, what you haven’t done or what you should’ve, could’ve or would’ve done. While you’ve obviouly worked hard on yourself to become a better person and a better husband, your behavior, by itself, cannot possibly make your relationship work so long as she is sick. She has some serious problems and you cannot fix them no matter how deeply you love her and think that that love will “conquer all.”

She needs medical attention. That, and refusing to tolerate the emotional abuse anymore are the best things you can do. I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

14

This woman is poison. You should not have to work this hard and suffer this much to be with someone. Stop thinking about her feelings and focus on doing what’s best for you. Don’t help her, don’t talk to her, don’t let her make you feel bad.

And definitely don’t leave the checkbook and ATM card.

15

Amen. If you’re going to walk out on this (which would probably be a good idea) then you need to do so in a calculated manner. Do NOT leave anything important behind. I’ve never had to remove a name from my checking account and therefore I don’t know what that would require, but don’t leave that open either. Call her folks, her friends, whatever it takes, to come take care of her.
A person who wants to mindfuck you is a fucking waste of time. And, in my experience, even when you think you’ve separated yourself, you’re never too far away for her too reach out and touch you.
Good luck. Keep it up with the shrink.

16

I’m sorry yer life got this way, black455.

Mine was like that too, once. I left her. Called a buddy of mine one afternoon and told him to be at the airport at 5am the next morning; I had a ticket waiting for him. When my gf left for work, I told her I’d be gone when she got home. Picked my buddy up at the airport, rented a truck, packed my shit in it, and left town. I was gone before 11am.

My gf was the most beautiful, smartest, loving woman I had ever known. And she was also batshit crazy and determined to destroy her life and everything in it. I too was in my late 20s, and she was 9 years older than me. I loved her with all my heart, would do anything for her, and did. And then I left her.

So… as a guy who feels like he’s been in yer shoes, and lived to tell the tale… RUN. Sorry, that’s the best advice I have (even tho I know you dint ask for it, there it is).

Good luck, brother.

Bo

17

You probably can’t take her name off of a joint checking account without her permission. You’d better just take the money out and take it with you. If you don’t, it will be gone.

18

I think she’s very ill. Let’s try to drum up just a shred of compassion for this woman. That’s not to say our poster needs to place himself in the line of fire, but christ…she’s obviously not all there. Does she have a doctor who’s been treating her?

19

Having a savior complex is a bitch, ain’t it? I feel for ya, man.

20

it sounds to me like you’re not the one who needs to be in counseling. :dubious:

seriously. maybe you had good reason to be seeing someone, but…come on. that doesn’t sound healthy or stable or RIGHT.

and i really hope she feels like shit in the morning for this little stunt. i have a feeling it would be a deal-breaker if i did that to my soon-to-be husband.