I guess I need to vent but if anyone has advice I’ll take that too. This weekend was another fucked up installment of ‘my ex is going to be the death of me’. I kind of need to back up a bit though.
Mostly because of my oldest son I’ve been trying really hard to let my kids maintain a relationship with their mother. Although our current agreement gives her the ability to see them every weekend she rarely makes use of if unless I insist or my oldest pressure here into it. This would extend to me providing groceries for the weekend if she claimed to be broke. Needless to say my wife is not thrilled with the situation especially as I’ve received no support
I have to stress the main reason is again for my oldest son. He had the hardest time handling his mothers problems, and our moving to the valley didn’t help matters much either. So once a month I’ve been taking them to Oakland to visit their Mom for the weekend and sometimes providing groceries as well; until about two months ago when she got a job. Such has been the status quo for the last year until yesterday.
Friday was the oldest 16th birthday and what he really wanted was a party at his mothers. We talked a couple of times about it and I decided I’d contribute half for the party. To say this did not sit well with my wife would be an understatement. Further sometime after the kids got there Friday their mother decided to go off and get high disappearing until Sunday. My ex mother in law and stepson did what they could to make sure the party happened anyway but my son was of course devastated.
Now my wife is mad at me. We argued most of yesterday until I finally told her to stay out if it. I understand her feelings, but the last thing I needed yesterday was to be browbeaten about it. My son is barely eating and now I’m considering counseling. What I really want to tell him is mother fucking worthless until she gets and stays off the drugs but I can’t do that. Sometimes I swear I just want to run off with just my sons. I’m about to lose it.
Oh, geez, Stuffy, I’ve been following this story, and was really hoping the move would be the magic wand on this. No useful advice, alas – just tons of good vibes headed out towards you and your kids and your wife.
Questions - first, is she your wife or ex-wife? Second, why is she mad at you? She has no right to be mad… so why do you say you understand her feelings?
I don’t understand - why wouldn’t this sit well with her?
It sounds like your oldest - at age 16 - is old enough to understand what his mom really is (drug addict, irresponsible, insensitive).
Stuffy, it’s great that you do your best to keep a channel open for your kids to have a relationship with their mother.
But keep in mind that it’s not your responsibility to see that she takes advantage of the opportunities that you afford her for contact with the kids. You can’t make her be the person her kids want her to be. They’ll have to learn to cope with her as she is.
Alateen might be a good resource for your kids, where they learn that practicing addicts/alcoholics have a disease that leads them to bad behavior, that neither you nor the kids can cure or control it, and that you didn’t cause it either.
Just my opinion, worth exactly what you paid for it.
The one piece of advice I can throw to you – don’t consider getting your boy counseling, get him counseling.
From the looks of it, mom is not someone to look up to. However, you saying that is just going to cause him to resent you. You need to have a neutral party to get him to open his eyes.
I sincerely hope you’re all able to get through this…
Let me clarify first. Yes the wife and ex wife are two different women. Kalhoun nailed it precisely.
nyctea scandiaca I know he’s old enough to face it but he just doesn’t seem to want to. I think deep down he thinks that if we’d get back together his Mom would de okay. He has two younger brothers that if they don’t understand, thought I suspect they do, handle it a lot better. I don’t want to be in the position to bad mouth his Mom despite the fact that it would be true. But I’m so tired of picking up the peices and there is a real strain on my current marriage.
Qadgop the Mercotan I’ve only heard about them on this board but am not familiar with it. I’ll look it up thanks.
I hate to sound like Ann Landers and shill for counselling, but you need to get the whole family into talk to someone who can pull all of these things out of the open. It’s commendable that you’re doing everything you can to let your kids have regular contact with their mother despite the cost and her apparent disinterest and substance problems, but in fact she’s probably doing them way more harm than good. While I’m sure you don’t want to cut her off from them completely, they need to know that they are not responsible for her problems, and that her behavior is not a reflection on their worth. You can and should say this too them, of course, but somebody else should be reinforcing it.
As for your wife, I don’t think she’s really in the wrong to be mad. Although with the best of intentions, you’re letting your ex-wife use you as a doormat, to come through with money and groceries, and pick up the pieces when she decides to blow town and get wasted. She has every reason to be upset with the situation, and while the behavior of your ex-wife is totally and completely out of your hands, the way you respond to it isn’t. You need to hash out with her what is acceptable in terms of support and compensation and stick to it; she needs to know you’re on her side just as much she’s on yours. Again, it’s easy to talk about sitting down and working this out by yourselves, but it’s probably faster and more effective to have an independent third party who doesn’t have any stake in the deal.
I’ve no easy answers for you, but soldier on, and for the sake of your sons if not yourself and your message, draw a line for the ex and let her know that it’s not to be crossed.
Or, on review, what Qadgop the Mercotan (and several others) said, only slightly more costly.
You’re definitly doing the right thing by not running down your ex in front of your kids, but I don’t know that going to such lengths to keep her in their lives is the best course of action, either. I gather that, if it weren’t for your efforts, she’d have almost no contact with your kids at all, and that really might be for the best at this point. Your son wants to be close to his mother, but that’s doesn’t sound like it’s going to happen any time soon, and the continued cycle of him getting his hopes up and having them dashed is just making it harder for him to come to grips with his mother’s addiction. Distance might be what he needs right now, so his wounds can scab over without her constantly re-opening them.
And counseling for the entire family is probably a very good idea, too.
Please stop “considering” and just “do”. In my line of work I come across so many - TOO many - people who would have been all right had someone just taken a moment to hold their hand.
Your son is, at 16, appropriately reacting to rejection. He just doesn’t have the necessary skills to deal with his feelings and emotions, and you are much to close to the situation to properly deal. If you were a professional psychologist/LICSW/counselor you would have had him in a session yesterday.