I'm not fucking married to the asshole anymore... shut up about him already!!!

The BBQ Pit
1

Why do you always have to mention him and ask me what he’s up to. I’m not fucking married to him anymore and I really don’t give a shit what he does as long as he doesn’t hurt my daughter. I’m sick and fucking tired of you asking me, "Where did Prick (my ex) take Squirt (my daughter) this weekend? “Are they going to visit his parents?” “Does she have a good time when she’s with him?” "What’s Prick up to lately? “We saw Prick this weekend.” “Prick took Squirt swimming.” ARRRGH! Shut the fuck up already.

Maybe if you had paid attention when I was married to the asshole you would have seen the signs that something was wrong. Maybe if you knew about the drunken fights he started with me you wouldn’t think he was such a wonderful guy! Maybe if you had seen him pick me up by the throat and throw me against the wall you would know why I was so scared of him and afraid to kick him out and divorce him! Maybe if you saw him push my daughter off the couch after she tried to wake him up from a drunken sleep you wouldn’t think he was such a good dad! You never saw the fear in my eyes when he came back from a 36 hour drinking binge ready to tear the house apart! He’s a fucking alcoholic and you know it. You always made comments to me about how much he drank like I was supposed to stop it. I tried to stop it. Anytime I would question how much he had to drink he would yell at me and get in my face. What was I supposed to do?

I’m sure you feel bad for Squirt because her parents are divorced and you’re positive she’s going to grow up to be a fucked up adult because she comes from a broken home. Well, WAKE THE FUCK UP MOM! I was strong enough to break away from Prick for my sake and my daughter’s sake. I would much rather she grow up with her mom divorced and HAPPY instead of married and TERRIFIED! What would I have taught her by staying with that son of a bitch? I would have taught her that she couldn’t rectify her mistakes. I would have taught her that a woman has to stay married because it’s “better for the children” and a woman can’t survive without a husband. :rolleyes: YOU couldn’t survive mom, not me. You went from your father’s house to your husband’s house. You couldn’t survive on your own and you know it. It scares you to death, the very thought of it. You’re lucky you weren’t treated the way I was because you couldn’t have handled it. But I stood up for myself and my daughter and shouted, “I don’t have to take this shit from you anymore Prick!” and I don’t regret it one bit. Divorcing that asshole was the best thing I ever did. The next best thing would be if he died a horrible horrible death… preferably if he got smashed at the bar and drove his car off a fucking bridge! Then my problems would be gone and maybe then you’d quit fucking talking about him.

2

Questions like “Where did Prick (my ex) take Squirt (my daughter) this weekend?” and “Are they going to visit his parents?” and “Does she have a good time when she’s with him?” sound to me like your mom is more concerned about your daughter than your ex–perhaps just as your main concern is that he might hurt her, it is her main concern as well.

Second, why do you expect her to know what an asshole he was if you are doing everything you can to hide it from her? People do have amiable divorces, and how is your mother to know that that is not the siuation here if you haven’t told her?

3

My parents do know about all of the stuff that happened while I was married to him and yet they still seem to think he’s such a great guy. It’s almost as if they don’t believe any of it happened. My sister-in-law witnessed some of the shit that happened and she’s even tried to get it through their heads that he’s an asshole. They just don’t/won’t believe it. Their questions/comments aren’t all out of concern for my daughter. Those were just examples. Usually she’ll ask me something like that just to open up the subject of Prick so she can start talking about him. I’m sure that they’re concerned about her as much as I am but they don’t have to constantly talk about my ex and ask me questions about him. It’s so fucking irritating and I’ve asked her not to do it but it’s still happening.

4

Boy, Rachelle you have got a lot to put up with.

I think hearing that “maybe you got it all wrong and they’re really concerned about your daughter” doesn’t help at all. You seem intelligent and strong, and it’s clear you’re posting as a safety valve, rather than as asking “oh poor me I don’t know what to do” !

Can I warn you however, to brace yourself for such likely future comments as “at least you’ve got a mother unlike me -I miss her so much” and “well you married the jerk in the first place you knew what you were getting into”.

Perhaps it’s because people who are used to debating are often good at seeing the flaws in what you might be saying, without also looking for what might be right and positive about what you have to say.

In the hope of offering a bit more useful support can I say it is bloody hard when your family don’t get it, and when they secretly want you to get back together and all that.

I found, and I think many other gay men of my generation also found that our parents just could not “get” our lives. I clearly reached a point where I just said to myself: “right, from now on, my friends are my family” and it was that way for many many years.

My friends provided the support and strength when I needed it, and my parents were pale shadows that I kept up a cordial front with, but from whom I expected nothing. I told them almost nothing about my personal life, never shared triumphs or woes. I resented this for many years.

However, about eight years ago, I found that my dealings with them had become very pleasant. They had given up the yearning for me to be something I wasn’t, and since I had long ago given up expecting anything, the fairly high regard they held me in (at last!) was a real treat. They are both dead now, but their last years were definitely ones of reconciliation, and a happy friendship.

I suppose I tell you this in case it somehow seems relevant to your situation. It seems to me that you know you’re doing the right thing - it’s just a bit lonely on that road at times. As it can often be when you’re true to yourself…

warmest regards,
Redboss

5

This reminds me of my father and his wife (particularly the wife). I’m not entirely close to them as they are 1500 miles away, and choose not to be too involved in my life.

They adored my exhusband. Little did they know that he was a grade-A jerk. I had a thousand reasons why I left, such as finding out he had molested his nieces and nephews when he was a teenager, constantly pressuring me to engage in a threesome (even to the point of him tying me up and blindfolding me in bed once, and inviting our best friends into the room), and his deep-seated, subconscious rage against women that made him constantly play mind games with me. I never told them why I left him, because they are deeply religious people, and some of the heavier reasons of why I left would just freak them out.

They always wanted to talk about him after the divorce, but I refused to. I’m sure they wanted to know, but I knew that the information would have been too much for them.
Yet, they still talked about him several years after the divorce.

But, this is not the problem.

The problem is, is that almost six years have passed. I have a wonderful man in my life that I’ve been with for three years now.

They call him by my exhusband’s name. :mad:

I know they do it accidentally, but I cannot tell you how fucking angry it makes me.

I feel your anger, Rachelle, I really do. It’s bad enough to have the scars from a bad relationship; it’s worse when others attempt to open those wounds again.

6

GRRRRR…

Rachelle, I feel your pain. I didn’t even marry the jerk my parents got attached to. They liked him more than they liked me, and yet, my mother constantly said to me “You don’t have to marry him if you don’t want to. It’s not too late to back out.” Wha? Mixed signals?

He was a grade-A jerk and stupid to boot, yet my folks adored him. When I called it off, they were mad at me for “breaking poor FatBoy’s heart”. It’s been almost 8 years, and my mother still brings him up. Cut his wedding announcement out of the paper for me, and had the fucking nerve to say, “Look what you missed out on. Don’t you wish you’d married him when you had the chance?” I nearly had three aneurisms right there.

Every new gentleman I see, they she says, “Well, he’s no FatBoy.” He sure isn’t ma, that’s the whole point.

I think moms have a pathological condition that makes them want things for their daughters that they (however blindly) think they might have wanted for themselves once upon a time. They don’t want anything to work out badly for us, so we should stay in miserable situations and play nice like all is well (like people did in the bad old days). To parents of that generation, it seems like relationship mistakes = personal failures.

7

Oh my goodness.

Yea, tell your mom to shove it. Good job on ditching the jerk, btw.

My mom’s crowning glory is “Why don’t you date J? he’s such a nice guy…”

This has been going on for years. Now J. is a great guy. I adore him. He’s also GAY! And since he hasn’t told her, it’s not my business to. For my own comfort:

“Mom, the reason why I don’t date guys like J, even though I spend scads of time with him, he makes me laugh, and I adore him, is that guys like J don’t date chicks and I’m fine with that. But I’m not going to date him Ever. Not unless he has a profound revelation that he hasn’t been drooling over Jonathan Taylor Thomas for years. M’kay? And even if he did suddenly like girls, I doubt very much I’m his type. Very much. We make great friends, but its just not going to happen. Chill. The next time I go to a movie or out to the mall with him, please shut your ever so helpful trap, k? Thanks.”

8

How about “Mom, I’m not his type. I’ve talked to him about it, and he isn’t attracted to me. Its such a shame.” No lies, no outing.

Rachelle,

Sorry - that really sucks. Best wishes.

9

Mmm… not a bad idea, but could be dangerous. Her mom could potentially harp on that point from either side.

“Well, then you need to make yourself more attractive.”

OR

“What, isn’t my daughter good enough for him?” (And now he’s a bad guy.)

Personally I think the following would be better:

“Mom, we’ve mutually decided not to date each other for private reasons. You can’t change those reasons by telling me we should. It bothers me when you keep bringing the subject up. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t.”

Unfortunately it appears Rachelle might be past trying to use polite suggestion. I would probably ignore the subject every time it came up (perhaps politely muttering something about dead horses as I mentioned that I had to go mow the lawn).

There are other alternatives. Of course, I personally wouldn’t do this, but you could start using pressure points of your own. Cruel, but effective. Everybody has something they’re sensitive about. Every time they bring up “Prick”, deliberately point out a mistake they’ve made that they don’t like to talk about. When they complain, reply, “I’ve told you time and again I don’t want to talk about ‘Prick’. I won’t constantly bring up your mistakes if you’d simply pay me the same courtesy.”

Or brutally end the conversation every time the name comes up. Say, “I told you I won’t talk about that,” and hang up the phone, or turn your back and walk away. If they can’t take a hint, it’s not rude to make increasingly bigger ones. Not that I’m advocating you completely break off contact, but it may end up being necessary unless you prefer to suffer quietly or argue incessantly. If the costs of any relationship, even with one’s parents, outweigh the benefits, there’s a certain point that you just say you’ve had enough. I doubt you’re there yet… but you have to decide how much you’re willing to take and what course of action is acceptable.

10

I feel for you, Rachelle.

My step-mom went through this when she divorced her first husband. Not really a drinking problem, more of an asshole problem and a fidelity problem - she finally kicked him out when she found out he was entertaining a 19-year-old female coworker in their house while she was away with their 10- and 15-year old daughters. Oh, and that doesn’t even count the other girlfriend he’d been running for ten years, or the time just after the second child was born that step-mom came home to find him in a state of profound undress with their 17-year-old babysitter.

But her parents thought he was the greatest guy. They’d been high school sweethearts, and in their eyes he never changed. He never berated step-mom as stupid, never ignored his daughters, never took out his frustrations on everyone around him.

I don’t think they really understood until my step-sisters made it clear what contempt they hold for him, how they have to force themselves to visit him for Father’s Day and Christmas.

Ironically, the asswipe’s sister was probably the most loyal person to my step-mom.

Patience, Rachelle. Just focus on making sure your daughter’s OK, and it’ll all wash out in the end.