Okay, ex, you asked for it....but it's not gonna help

The BBQ Pit
1

For a year and a half now I have put up with the almost daily phonecalls from you, bitching and moaning and crying that the woman you left your family for has dumped and divorced you, and won’t reconcile with you.

I have listened while you told me that you signed over to her the entire business you two started, as a way of trying to convince her that you loved her. I have listened while you cried about the pain of having to work for her, about having to find a new job when she cut your pay, about not being able to start your own business because she ruined your credit. I yelled at you when you turned down a great job because you would have to move away from this area, and you “weren’t ready to give up on her yet”.

I listened while you recited your pain as if you had it all written down…the same comments, the same excuses. I interrupted you and told you that I’ve heard the same stories yesterday and you don’t need to repeat it again…I GET IT. She was the love of your life…I’m the only person besides your mother who’ll take your calls…all you want to do is go home to her. I’VE GOT IT MEMORIZED!

So now you ask me to tell you what I think of you. I generalize, avoid, be polite, don’t hurt your precious feelings. But I don’t tell the truth, and you know it. You want me to say that you’re a person worthy of being loved by her, and you really are. But only because you two deserve each other…you are both complete and total DIPSHITS.

You dumped me, and your two children, for this skanky slut who was doing the guys she cleaned house for, with your knowledge. You left our bed at night to go have sex with her, knowing she had just sent my girlfriend’s husband home to his own wife when you called her…and you tried to use this as an example of her kind and generous nature. And then, eight years later, you endanger my friend’s repaired marriage by calling him and asking him to “call her and convince her to take me back” Your are an ASSHOLE.

You practically ignore your children for years because SHE gets jealous. When our daughter is assaulted and in the emergency room and I ask you to meet me there, you say “no, I can’t handle that right now” and then SHE accuses our daughter of trying to manipulate you. You send birthday cards to our son, but not our daughter, and try to explain it away by saying you were “directing a helicpter assault in Bosnia on her birthday”…which was true, but you send cards ahead of the day, or even late, ASSHOLE. And you don’t include in birthday gifts copies of emails from your wife, badmouthing your kids. Sure it was an accident.

You call me from Germany, four months after our divorce, begging me to reconcile, or at least to have a third child with you, because SHE can’t have any more kids and you really want another one and you made a big mistake in leaving me…but you forget, FORGET, to mention to me that you married her already, even tho you told me you had no plans to marry her…and when I call you on it, you promise that you will personally tell the kids. But you don’t. And I have to tell them. And watch their faces crumble, and their hearts break, as they realize you have lied to them again. They hoped that while you were in Germany you’d find someone better to love…someone they could respect.

So what do I think of you? You are a piss-poor example of a man, a lying, weak, drunken asshole who lost both his balls and his backbone to a cheap, slutty whore whose own kids don’t want to be around her. You are a total Jerk who gave up his relationship with his kids, who didn’t even have the brains to salvage any assets when she divorced you, and who threw away the respect of his friends by cheating on me with at least 7 women. You are an immature brat who needs someone to be his mom…a fucking blowhard who threatens to beat his son to a bloody pulp for not “showing proper respect”…a worthless shithead who threw away the job you loved, wasted 3 month’s child support on a “date” with her that backfired, and then accuses me of wasting money by buying decent shoes for the boy.
You are a lying, cheating fucking asshole of a scumbag who has shit for brains and no moral sense at all…and you deserve the misery you find yourself in. I wish you two would get back together because you were made for each other, and then you would be out of our lives forever. You are clueless, and pussy-whipped, and not the man I knew and loved and married 23 three years ago tomorrow. And if you dare call me and apologize AGAIN tomorrow, I will hang up on you.

Thank you all for the space to do this…wish I had a more colorful vocabulary. Too damn polite.

2

Just one question - why do you even take the fucker’s calls?

3

Ouch.

4

Hummmmmmmmmmmmm, slow learner, eh? :rolleyes:

5

I think Gary Kumquat got it right:

**

You shouldn’t have anything to do with that man IMO. Seven different women?!? WTF! Write him off and don’t speak to him again unless it concerns your children. What a fucking asshole!

6

My sincere condolence. Now for the unsolicited advice: Print your rant out and mail it to him, after adding: “GOOD BYE!” to the end of it. One of the few advantages of divorce is that you should no longer have to put up with the jerk that you divorced.
Try to look ahead. There’s somebody out there that will appreciate and respect you; somebody that will be glad to have you come into their life. Be prepared for that when it comes, and try not to dwell on the past.
Good Luck!

7

I take his calls partly out of politeness…despite his faults, we have tried to remain on good terms, and he is truly in pain…he has lost 40 pounds, and is just miserable, and won’t get help. I keep hoping that I can convince him to see a therapist, get some medication for his depression. I do limit him to no more than ten minutes. It’s sort of like not wanting to kick someone when they’re down…I’m a little afraid of what might happen if I cut him off too, and would my kids ever forgive me? Even though they swear they want nothing to do with him, I know that in a few years they may be ready to let him back in their lives. But I just realized the other day, when he tried to guilt me into talking to him, how long I’ve been putting up with this new crap. The boy turns 18 this summer, and from then on I am not going to try to keep any contact going…they can work it out on their own.

8

Oh, and I didn’t know about the 7 women until right before our divorce…only knew about one previous to the Evil Slut, and we had worked through that one. He’s not the only clueless one, I guess.

9

It appears as though he’s military. Perhaps you could suggest that he take advantage of some of the free therapy available to him, post-haste.

10

:mad:

So he’s hurting now is he? Good. The goddesses have given him exactly what he deserves. Tell him the pity party shop is officially closed.

Honey.

11

Shit, you could talk him into entering into a new tour of duty in Pakistan, or maybe have him join the UN and ship him off to Gaza or something…

Then he’d have something constructive to do, like play with armymen and other such toys.

Sam

12

I had one of those shithead ex’s. He died. Most of his kids (with three women) hate him. Sounds like your ex is on the same path.

13

Umm… not to dogpile here but you’re the one that decided to date, love, marry and have two kids with this piece of work and you’re the one that won’t call it quits with playing his counselor. His personality did not morph into an immature, self centered asshole overnight, he was that way when you met him, and for whatever reasons that seemed good to you at the time, you made an eyes wide open decision to put up with his BS up to the point he cheated on you.

All this would pretty much be par for the regular “my ex is a jerk” course except that you keep taking his calls! You are enabing this obnoxious situation of his whining and complaining. Caller ID is a good thing. Use it.

I’m a divorced dad with two kids and my ex is (to me) borderline nuts and an immature, self centered child, but I accept full responsibility for ignoring the (obvious in hindsight) warning signs and cautions given by friends and relatives. I made a bad decison (except for the kids) and I’m living with the consequences without complaint.

14

Oh, Honey, you hit on my sad, sick secret…part of me is really enjoying his pain! It’s the divine retribution I’ve wished on him for years!
When we married, he was active duty military. In 1990, he was one of the many officers involved in the reduction in force. Since then, as a reserve officer, he has had two lengthy tours overseas, but after Bosnia he was discharged and has tried every avenue to get reinstated, but no go. Funny. As active duty he couln’t get promoted past captain (and part of it had to be his drinking and womanizing, not just the RIF) but as a reservist he got promoted to major and was up for LT Col. But if they let him back in, he will qualify for retirement pay…and they don’t want to have to pay that. And since I was to get half his retirement pay, there went my retirement pay. Sigh.

15

Thanks, astro, I missed Dr. Laura this morning. And I realize that hey, I married him…but when we were 20, he was a earnest, hard-working young man with a deep sense of patriotism and respect, and he adored me, and wanted a family and marriage and a stable life. He drank no more than any other college student, and tho school ended up not being a good option, he went into the military and succeeded, and seemed to have found his niche. We waited three years to marry, and it wasn’t until much later that his vast insecurity and alcoholism took over. People change. Shit happens. I had no crystal ball. And I don’t regret the years spent trying to keep the marriage going. He was a master of fooling people…on our second-to-last anniversary together, he very lovingly told me that despite all we’d been through, he was the happiest he had ever been.

He had just started the Final Affair, and he was talking about her.

And I have recently found someone who is pretty wonderful, and I’m hoping that he feels the same way.

16

Perhaps you should ask him how he feels about you taking daily calls from your ex for the past 1.5 years because you truly enjoy someone else’s (even well-deserved) misery.

It’s possible that he’ll think that behavior’s really pretty keen.

It’s also possible that he won’t. My definition of “wonderful” generally doesn’t include an appreciation for schadenfreude, but of course people have wildly varying definitions.

You’ve divorced scumbag. Now divorce his suffering.

17

I have two words for you. FUCK THAT! You are under no obligation to be polite to this man, to worry about this man, to try to get help for this man and you shouldn’t give a fuck if he’s miserable or not. He’s an adult. He made choices and he needs to learn to live with them. He doesn’t need to be whining and crying to you about his fucked up life.

As for your kids, don’t underestimate them. It sounds like they’re old enough to understand that their father cheated on you, lied to you, and basically let his family down. If you tell your kids that you are no longer going to talk to him on the phone, you’re not going to worry about his problems, you’re basically not going to have anything to do with him, they will understand. Just make it clear to the kids that it’s entirely up to them whether or not they have any kind of relationship with their father.

18

Hey, I’m not taking the calls merely because I enjoy his suffering…that’s such a teeny, tiny part of the equation…smaller that teeny, tiny, even. Almost non-existent. In fact partly a joke.

And the new guy knows about the calls, and understands that I’m having a hard time being mean to the ex.

19

JMHO but it seems like you need the emotional feeding you get from him needing you as much as he needs the emotional feeding of you being his mama.

I don’t think either one is real healthy.

20

Ah, well, in that case, keep on keeping on. I’m sure the habit will have only healthier and healthier results as time goes by.