Yeah. I couldn’t do it. People have to be completely batshit insane IN PUBLIC for a long time before you can get a big enough case to commit them.
My wife was completely fucking insane and physically violent. She fucking assaulted me in my sleep on several occasions. Count your blessings on that front, but if it happens, run like hell. I wish I had.
Do what you can do. You cannot ask more of yourself. First and foremost, protect yourself and your children, as I said above.
Your world is going to be filled with assholes, morons and good meaning people with no fucking clue as to what your reality is like. At the end of it all, I found those people to be far more destructive of my psyche than anything my wife was doing. So when I advise you to protect yourself, it doesn’t only mean from your wife, it means from them as well. They’ll tell you it’s your fault, they’ll tell you you’re not doing enough or if you’d just pray and work harder, it would all work out. They’ll tell you “God has a plan” or that you need to set aside your own needs for hers (Complete fucking destructive bullshit. Do not do this!) They’ll tell you it’s not about you! (Yes, it is) They’ll tell you to sacrifice more to make it work. (No!)
And they’ll never understand how painful and destructive their words are.
The ones who don’t do this? They’re your real friends. The ones who truly love you. Remember them.
Really, you’re going to hang out WITH YOUR KIDS until the end of the school year, damn near close to a year a way?
If you were a chick, and she was a dude, the smashing of your cell phone would have been enough for the cops to be there, and her (him) to be out on their ass.
If it was just you, whatever, but YOU’VE GOT KIDS.
Take your guilt, shove it where the sun don’t shine, grab the kids and GET OUT.
Nothing good will happen otherwise.
Just my 2 cents. I’ve been with a “crazy” person, and once they realize you accept their “crazy” behavior, it just gets worse. Any ultimatum, like “I’m leaving
in 9 months”(or I’m not cleaning the cat box unless you do the dishes) just ups the ante, and the insanity gets crazier.
Get out, sooner, not later, no warning, no ultimatum, just leave(with the kids).
I don’t follow the logic of staying “together” through the school year: will you file for divorce prior to that?
Anyway as others have said, you need to get things in motion to get this separation ASAP. Whether you physically move out right away or not, you need to seek legal counsel to make sure you know your options.
And as someone else said, be careful lest your wife somehow get custody. Document everything, and make sure you don’t do anything that could be seen as attempting to keep the kids away from their mother right now (i.e. beware of taking them elsewhere for school breaks).
Maybe you’re not looking for advice, but I think probably:
I’m leaving and taking the kids
If you do I’ll kill myself
Ok, I’ll stay for now and leave next year
Isn’t a very good plan in the long run because I can’t see any way you won’t just have a repeat performance every time you try to leave.
I had a different but very dangerous situation a long time ago and I can remember trying to get his agreement that breaking up was the right choice. As if there was any logical or respectful or sane way to end the kind of relationship where the idea that one of us might die in the process was actually on the table as a bargaining tool. Trying to find an ending that worked for everyone was my part of the crazy and I’m so glad I found a way to let that idea go.
The only thing I had when I left was an excellent lawyer who advised me to go out of state for a “prolonged visit with family”, which is exactly what I did and I filed for divorce from there. It was amazing how little I could be manipulated from afar, and even more so how quickly he lost interest and hooked up with some other sucker and put all the crazy energy into her.
I’ve been free for a long time now and let me tell you it’s wonderful and you deserve it.
Sounds like things are escalating anyway, what with the phone incident, and I’ve heard of mentally ill parents facing a partner’s potential departure killing the kids to “punish” the sane partner. I’m not an expert in these things, but add me to the tally for “take kids and leave ASAP”.
Oh, please, shut up. Do you really think this is helping?
Burro, I agree, you need to get out, ASAP. I’m glad to hear you’re doing so much to not damage the kids, but trust me, they aren’t completely clueless. Protect them, it’s your job. And good luck!
I’m baffled on why the OP is “mad” at his wife for not locking the door to the bedroom so his kids wouldn’t see it. If she had done that, she’d for sure be dead. I don’t care how crazy she is, or how much you hate her, you shouldn’t wish for your children to lose their mother.
The lock is one that would keep the kids out, but that I can easily break through. I installed it myself, and I made it intentionally weak. I wasn’t saying that I wanted her dead (although in a way it might be better for us all - given her lack of interest or ability to do anything to get better.) I was saying I thought it was immensely inconsiderate of her to let them see that. Here’s the thing - my routine, which she is very familiar with, is upon arriving home, to let the kids in and go to the bathroom right away. I have crohn’s disease and I usually REALLY have to go. The kids hadn’t seen their mom for a few days, so any reasonable person would think that they would go running to look for her. I probably come off as unsympathetic to my wife. I have been through a lot, and I’m dealing with a serious medical condition, as well as deep emotional issues due to my own abuive childhood.
My therapist echoed what others here have said - that this won’t keep for long, that she will escalate the abuse, that the holidays will trigger all kinds of craziness. I know I am being manipulated and I feel impotent to avoid it. What if I leave and it triggers a successful suicide? Kids still lose mommy. I guess there aren’t a lot of options. Maybe she just has to try it again and I’ll be able to have her commited long term.
Trust me, you can’t get her committed. We’ve tried with my half-brother. It isn’t possible in this day and age, really.
She’s an adult. The kids are not. You have to do what’s best for them; they can’t make choices for themselves. You’re only hurting them more every day you make excuses to stay.
Listen, I think you’re doing one hell of job, in one hell of a circumstance. And it’s bullshit that you can’t get someone committed. Of course you can, it’s just really, really hard. (And shouldn’t it ought to be, really?)
I think your reasoning is sound, your reporting and recording events, very wise. The shuffling off, of the kids, both at the scene and over the summer, into showers of love, is to be highly commended. Few people could be so circumspect under such trying conditions.
And I don’t think for a minute, anyone here knows better than you when it’s time to drop the hammer and end it. Don’t listen to them. Listen to your therapist. it sounds like you’re taking good care of yourself and handling everything reasonably well. Just keep moving forward. But yeah, maybe acknowledge that your timeline may not hold.
This is the perfect place for you to vent about your struggles with the ongoing demise of your family, and getting your wife to the care she clearly needs, while holding down your job and truly watching out for your children. Any one of those things would have sent a lesser man to drink, or worse, throw up their arms in frustration and despair and give up.
I think you’re headed in the right direction, I think you’ll get there and that you and your kids will be alright. Just keep moving forward.
And please come here and vent any time you feel so inclined. More people are pulling for you than this thread might indicate, I’m pretty sure.
I’m really, really sorry you’re going through all this. But please remember that you’re not impotent here. As you’ve said, whatever your wife chooses to do is entirely up to her. If you leave and she commits suicide, it’s not your fault. It’s entirely her fault for refusing to take her meds, refusing to follow her doctor’s instructions, and so on. I mean, yes, it’s ultimately the fault of her disease, but that still doesn’t make it your responsibility. As I’m sure your therapist has told you, you are not required to accept, excuse, or be responsible for someone else’s hurtful actions just because they can’t help what they’re doing.
I mean, let’s say you had a dog that became senile and started randomly attacking you and your kids. Would you keep it? Would you still let your kids play with it? I can’t imagine you would. Even though it’s not the dog’s fault, and it might be a very loving dog most of the time, and you’d hate for your kids to have to lose their pet, still, your kids’ safety comes first. And having a dangerous pet is far worse than having no pet at all.
Obviously, your wife is infinitely more valuable to you and your kids than a dog, no matter how much you may hate her at times. But the same principle applies: if she is hurting your kids - and she is - then taking them away from her is your only choice. If she commits suicide, that just demonstrates that you did the right thing, because if she was unstable enough to take her own life, there’s no telling what she might have done to the kids. In my opinion, just their being around her in the state she’s in is bad enough.
I know I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know and haven’t already said, but I feel it bears repeating: your wife is an adult, and ultimately, it is up to her to take care of herself. Your priority is your children’s health and safety. As long as you are doing your best to protect them, you’re doing the right thing.
Everything you say makes sense - get out, get out, get out, it’s not my fault. I’ve got a faulty internal script that makes everything my fault. It’s helpful to have outsiders remind me. I also appreciate your supportive sentiments.
I have an aunt who lives somewhat nearby who may be able to put us up for a while. She knows a little of the situation. I feel very uncomfortable asking her to let us stay in her place, but I don’t have a lot of options.
Where I come from, we say that someone’s life belongs to them until they get married: then it belongs to their spouse, until they have kids. At that time, ownership moves to the kids until said kids become independent.
This is said in relationship to running risks: when you’re single, you can risk your neck, because it’s yours; when you’re married, the neck belongs to whomever you exchanged rings with; when you have kids, your duty to those kids trumps anything else. Nobody ever says what happens after the kids are grown up: I imagine that anybody who’s still into bullruns, bungee jumping or jungle exploration by that time will have either an understanding spouse, a divorce or the ability to put a lid on their hobby. In any case, right now your life belongs to your kids; so does that of your wife’s but she’s not willing to uphold that responsibility. I know you promised to be with her “in illness and in health”, but your duty to be there for your kids as they grow up, and to give them a healthy environment to grow up in, trump that.
I’m not where you are; I can’t do anything more than send you my best wishes, but I do hope you and the Burritos will be able to get out of this mess in good health. And if the wife eventually manages to fix herself hey, “honey on the cake”, but it’s her job - not yours.
Let me add this about that: you developed this internal script while living in an abusive household as a child. It’s typical for abusers to blame their victims, but beyond that, if one parent tries to stop the other parent from being abusive, rather than just getting themselves and the children out of that situation, it gives the children the idea that it’s possible to control the abuser’s behavior - and therefore, if someone is abusing you (or your children), you just need to try harder to make them stop.
If you don’t want your children to grow up feeling the way you do, if you want them to understand that their mom’s problems are neither their responsibility nor yours, and that the only one who has any power over her problems is her, then demonstrate that to them. If you want them to know that they are your responsibility, and to trust that their parents will always protect them, even if it’s from another parent, then show them that. I know it’s incredibly difficult to feel like you’re giving up on your wife, and your children’s mother. But you know you can’t help her if she doesn’t want to be helped. So rather than continually trying - and failing - to fix her, focus on succeeding at protecting your kids.
If your aunt knows “a little of the situation” and has any love for you and/or her nieces? nephews? (sorry, I’ve lost track) she will be GLAD to have the opportunity to help you out and put you “up for a while.” Let her dote on the kids a bit.
Your kid’s mother is very ill, but that is not in any way your fault. What she does or doesn’t do as a result of her illness is not in any way your fault. Take care of your kids, and take care of yourself: those are your chief responsibilities right now.
Get out. My roommate is going through similar drama, and leaving his wife is the best thing he did. Dont do it later, do it now. Document everything she does, the destroyed phone, suicide attempt, etc. If she shows any agression toward you or your children, get a Temporary Restraining Order, tell them she is a danger to you and your kids. I also recommend counseling for you and possibly your kids. The greater your resolve, the more desperate she’ll be. This will be difficult, but the more nutso she acts the more a judge will see what a danger she is to your family.
