Update on my desintegrating marriage

[Minnie_Luna]

I am sorry you are going through such shit.

If this forum helps you vent, there are plenty of us here willing to listen and support you without judgement.

I have a friend who grew up with a mother who threatened and attempted suicide many times. It was a painful experience for her, she knew there was something wrong but it wasn’t until she was older that she was able to put it all together. I hope you and the kids are able to get some help through this.

[Patch]

@Anaamika

It happens.

Ayup. Grab the kids and run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.

[Zabali_Clawbane]

:eek: I highly recommend you speak to a counselor about the adverse effects such neglect causes in young children! She IS harming them everyday! Plus they think her behavior is “normal” on some level. SHE is setting their personal value levels! She values herself, and her needs more than their needs, and it is harming them. :mad: I bet they are mature for their age, are they not? I bet they look after you too, make sure you are happy, and get on you if you try to skip a meal? Things like that? This is not a good thing. Get them away from her! Visits should be strictly monitored by an unbiased person, if visits happen at all.

[Chimera]

Yeah, that’s the sad fact of life. Children look to their parent’s behavior to learn what ‘normal’ is. Your kids are learning crazy and not-normal is normal, whether they realize it or not.

[Zabali_Clawbane]

@Corcaigh

That sounds about right.

IMHO your wife probably has a personality disorder, they are very much like mental illnesses, but they are not caused by a chemical imbalance in the body, they are caused by other factors. I don’t know what, but it seems to be a combination of nature & nurture. You said in your other thread

That is not healthy parenting, that is shitty parenting, and no doubt your wife has learned behaviours in order to get anywhere in life, because she doesn’t understand how to behave normally.

<snip>

I don’t think you are seeing that Mother-In-Law’s statements in the correct light. She is refusing to enable her daughter. This is not crappy parenting, it is tough love, and very called for. The MIL cannot fix her daughter! While one could hope MIL would help her grandchildren, and their father, I can understand her not doing so because it would give help to the one refusing to accept responsibility/work to help themselves. Plus, remaining neutral in such a mess isn’t a bad thing either. I’d bet she’s had to go to counseling in order to grow a spine and deal with her daughter, (the OP’s wife) build boundaries, and not get took.

[Bam_Boo_Gut]

It’s surreal isn’t it? You could be my ex boss, except that he’s still with the woman. The right thing to do is to leave now. Please. The kids have the right to a calm environment and so do you.

The grandmother, a charming woman and similar reaction as your MIL **Zabali_Clawbane **gets it right on that one I think, take a leaf out of her book - the situation has to be pretty dire for a mother to behave in this way concerning her own child and grandchildren.

[prettydorky]

@Heart_of_Dorkness

Let me add this about that: you developed this internal script while living in an abusive household as a child. It’s typical for abusers to blame their victims, but beyond that, if one parent tries to stop the other parent from being abusive, rather than just getting themselves and the children out of that situation, it gives the children the idea that it’s possible to control the abuser’s behavior - and therefore, if someone is abusing you (or your children), you just need to try harder to make them stop.

I think this point is really good. Leaving an abuser will give your children a concrete example of what to do if they are being abused in future relationships.

@Zabali_Clawbane

:eek: I highly recommend you speak to a counselor about the adverse effects such neglect causes in young children! She IS harming them everyday! Plus they think her behavior is “normal” on some level. SHE is setting their personal value levels! She values herself, and her needs more than their needs, and it is harming them. :mad: I bet they are mature for their age, are they not? I bet they look after you too, make sure you are happy, and get on you if you try to skip a meal? Things like that? This is not a good thing. Get them away from her! Visits should be strictly monitored by an unbiased person, if visits happen at all.

I agree with this too. Sorry if you said so and I missed it- but has your therapist made any suggestions or given any advice about what you should do?

[phouka]

EBB, your wife is a broken, damaged woman. I’m pretty sure you’re aware of this. What you seem to be dancing around are two following points:

• you cannot help her.
• you have walk away from her.

I know, your heart is screaming at you to stay as long as possible, to do what you can to make things a little better for her, to somehow salvage something so that the woman you once loved, the mother of your children, is not completely lost. The fact that you want this even though you can’t abide her anymore says a great deal for your character.

I am so, so sorry, but it’s too late. Literally, you cannot make things better for her. The only thing you will do by staying is allow yourself and your children to be damaged by her illness.

You’ve done everything you can for her. She was once your number one priority, but now your children are. Get them out of there.

[carnut]

EBB, you need to worry about your mental health and your kids’ mental health. I strongly recommend you talk to a lawyer now regarding what you can do to legally protect your kids from your wife.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation 25 years ago. His now-ex cooked up a delicious plan for using their son to get back at him. He was unable to see his son for over two years and then only under supervision. The son was was then more-or-less tortured by his mentally-unstable mother simply because she had managed to win custody and the son now became her target instead of the husband. It took years of therapy to get his head on straight.

Please, please, examine your options now. A lawyer will help you set the right path. Also, continue to go to the police with reports and try to get a couple of other people to witness her behavior.

[purplehorseshoe]

phouka, that was well-written, and I sincerely hope the OP - and anyone else in a similar situation - takes your advice to heart.