dragongirl, you’re doing the right thing in leaving him. My mother was in the same situation – abused verbally, psychologically, and financially. She got full custody and a restraining order but he bankrupted her; ten years later, even with her sizeable salary, she’s still in debt. I don’t want that to happen to you and your kids – the sooner you go, the better. By the way, the Salvation Army was a big help.
dragongirl, I am sorry to hear your news. I have no advise, since I’m bad at the advice stuff, but I wanted to pop in to send supporting thoughts your way.
Just wanted to chime in again and show solidarity. Listen to everyone’s advice, and let us know how things are going. I’ve been following your threads for some time, and I’m really glad you’re leaving him.
Someone who knows more about this stuff: could we set up a Paypal account? I’m sure there are lots of Dopers who’d like to donate.
Love and prayers and good thoughts,
Kyra
I don’t know. Wouldn’t a paypal account be included in the division of assets?
Just a thought.
dragongirl, you and your kids are in my thoughts and prayers.
dragongirl, I really have nothing to add except my best good thoughts and wishes.
You are really brave for doing this. It’s easy to think about but actually going through with it is HARD. I was in an emotionally, verbally and psychologically abusive marriage for seven years. When I finally had enough I took my clothes and my books and left. I left everything else behind.
I was more fortunate in that I had a job, so I had some of my own money (not much, but a little) and no children.
When you finally decide your course of action I would be happy to help - it, unfortunately, won’t be much but whatever I can spare would be gladly donated to your escape fund.
{{{{dragongirl and li’l dragons}}}}
- you will be in my thoughts,
Susan
Well, I honestly hope things get better for you. Or rather, I hope you make things better for yourself, and especially your children.
But…
Here’s what I hear when I read the OP:
- Your husband works 80+ hours a week to support his family.
- The best solution you have for making things better financially is to tell him to work more.
- You say you’ve looked for work yourself, but you’ve looked for months and haven’t found anything. If things are as bad financially as you say (bad enough where $150 would be a huge improvement, as it would fix your car), I would think you could find something, anything in that time frame.
- Even though things have been very bad financially for some time, you’ve only started to look for work a couple months ago, even though the kids have both been in school for five years or so.
- You don’t do things that he wants sexually, things that I think it’s fair to say most women have no problem doing for their husband.
- The only third party opinion we have of the situation takes his side. And this third party is your own family.
- You don’t seem to particularly get along with other people (he says so, and you say you have no friends, or at least none where you live).
- You say he takes no interest in the finances, but then you say he’s not happy with the way you’ve handled finances and taken complete control of them. I’m not sure which is correct.
Now, he really shouldn’t call you names, that’s not good.
But I suspect there’s another side to this story.
I’m sorry this is so blunt, and I’m hoping I’m wrong in my assessment of things. But perhaps there are things going on that you should look inside to solve.
Bill H., you might find the results of a search of dragongirl’s previous threads on the subject enlightening.
I’m sorry to hear about your difficulties. But some of the advice here seems to be alarmingly over the top. Is a shelter really the best option? There doesn’t seem to be any physical abuse going on, and while the situation has gotten dramatically less tolerable over the past month, it doesn’t seem to call for immediately hopping in a taxi and leaving. Unless violence is in the immediate future, it seems like going to a shelter would just put unnecessary strain on an already overburdened resource and without a place to go afterwards, it would just be a temporary solution.
It seems like careful planning might be in order, e.g. budget to get the car fixed, get a job that can pay for an apartment and that looks to be reasonably secure, and then make the jump.
Bill H, I have to say I’m puzzled by your post. What’s your point? Pretend everything you posted is true: dragongirl is the reason she and her husband are having financial difficulty, she can’t get along with people, and she is abnormal for refusing to give him blow jobs. How does this change anything about their situation? Are you saying she should stay in the marriage, even if she doesn’t want to be with him anymore, because all their problems might be her fault? Or are you simply reacting to the negative comments about her husband? In either case, I don’t understand what you’re hoping to accomplish with your post, apart from making dragongirl feel bad.
Good luck getting through this, dragongirl, whatever you decide to do. Some unhappy relationships can’t be fixed, and if this is one of them then the sooner you move on, the better off you’ll all be. My thoughts are with you.
Bill, most people (both sexes) in abusive relationships don’t have any friends or support. The abuser likes it that way, and will encourage if not actively work on isolating the abusee. It doesn’t sound like he’s taken control of the finances - it sounds like he knows she’s thinking of leaving, and is making it more difficult for her to do so. Again, not unusual.
You’re right, we are only getting one side of the story, but it sounds like classic psychological/emotional abuse. Dragongirl, you need to plan for the future, but don’t let it overwhelm you, either. The first step - you take the kids and leave. Just take each step as it comes, and you’ll work through every one of them. You probably don’t have a lot of self-esteem at this point, but you can do it.
dragongirl I am struck how much your story sounds like my grandmother’s, except he was supporting a second family as well. She once had to go embarrass him on payday in public to get him to give her enough money to buy their children winter coats.
Her mother-in-law took care of her two daughters while she went to beauty school and learned to support herself, and she did support her family. She eventually found another husband and was much happier. She was lucky, I hope you are too.
Bill, perhaps I’m missing the advice portion of your post. Given that the thread is entitled “I need to leave my husband. Any suggestions on how?” and given that she isn’t asking anyone to go beat the guy up or something, what exactly are your ideas and suggestions about how she might go about, y’know, leaving her husband?
There are always two sides to every situation.
And there is always, without fail, someone to sidle in, point this out, imply that the “full story” would show us that the woman is lying or making up or is simply not deserving of better, and then move on without offering any real solution or advice.
Happens every time.
:rolleyes: :rolleyes:
Bill H: Let’s take the bulleted items one at a time:
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Willingness to work 80+ hours a week is a positive, but if he feels entitled to demean his wife because of it it’s time to cut back on the workload.
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While I don’t know her, I suspect what she means is to work at a higher paying job. If you can’t make ends meet after an 80+ hour a week shift something isn’t right.
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Finding anything is easy when you have a car and don’t have kids. Unfortunately northeastern PA (Catskills I presume) isn’t exactly an economic Mecca. There may very well be little if anything available to someone in her situation needing to be home when the kids are out of school.
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Apparently she felt that her husband’s job made it possible for her to stay at home, not an unreasonable assumption given the hours he keeps. Even McJobs pay “well” when you factor in that much overtime.
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While I appreciate lip service now & then I don’t think I’m entitled to it twice a week just to give a woman the pleasure of my company. That’s just fscking RUDE! If he asked nicely maybe she’d be more willing.
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Many people are pillars of the community to those outside of the marriage, and holy hell to those within it. I’ve seen this too many times myself.
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The ability (or lack thereof) to make friends is no reason to be subjected to this treatment. I’m pretty anti-social myself & I wouldn’t think twice about kicking someone to the curb who believed otherwise, but I’m in a better position than she is.
-
I agree that its better to have one person make sure that the bills get paid on time, but cutting the other person out entirely isn’t the way to go about it. She should have something available to her, at least the ATM card. What is he hiding?
Dragongirl: Do call that 800 number and get the process started. While I know the geography of PA I don’t know the social systems so all I can say is read this & get in touch with those professionals who deal with this every day. It will take time but staying put won’t do you any good.
I’m certainly sympathetic to Dragongirl’s problems and don’t wish to downplay them. But you rarely get the full story by listening to one person’s version of events. In fact, you don’t even get half of them. If there is physical abuse, get out immediately! Even if there is the threat of physical abuse, you should leave. But psychological/verbal abuse, while a possible reality, is quite subjective. Alot of times, the squeaky wheel gets all of the sympathy and support by crying psych/verbal abuse when in reality, they’re the primary culprit.
I’m not saying that Dragongirl is doing this, I just want to keep people’s minds open. I’ve gone through this. A former ex would tell others about a few specific things that I said in retaliation to a barrage of insults and threats. Of course, she never mentioned the comments that caused me to respond in that way. And while there is no excuse for saying certain things, her initial comments to me were far worse. And I never spoke publically about my relationship problems, while she blabbed her fictitious side to everyone she met. My reputation was destroyed until some friends that knew me very well came to my aid. Alot of things are said in the heat of battle. I’d love to hear HIS side of the story.
Count me in as being in agreement with finagle. Her husband said he wanted two blow jobs a week to justify staying married to her. Assholish thing to say and certainly decent grounds to want to leave someone, but hardly something that would send me packing to a woman’s shelter.
I also see where Bill H. is coming from. I’ve read and participated in other threads where Dragongirl has documented her woes. Her husband has behaved very boorishly, yet to his credit, he is working 80+ hours a day to support his family while his wife stays at home lamenting the fact that he doesn’t want her to be a SAHM anymore. It reminds me of Gone With The Wind where some women spent their whole lives pining for the way things used to be rather than dealing with the fact that the world had changed around them and that they need to embrace the change and adapt to it.
Dragongirl, your world has changed. You have to get a job. I realize that it’s a very daunting thing to do when you’ve been without one for so long. It takes balls to go in and interview, but I really do think it’s something you need to do. Your husband is working 80+ hours. Your family is without health insurance. You need to get a job, if not to give you some power in your tenuous marriage, then certainly to prepare for the possibility that you may be a single mother soon.
Bill H., consider that her husband has, in the past:
-remained friendly with people who actively insult her, and gets pissed when she is hurt by it
-told her that she looks like a cow when she’s naked and insists she keep her shirt on during sex; says that he’s a good husband simply because he doesn’t cheat, drink or smack her around
-insists on having his own way sexually, but if she tells him she likes something, or that he’s doing something she doesn’t like, tells her that HE knows best about what she likes; doesn’t defend her when his family badmouths her; never bothers to help her take care of THEIR children
That’s more than enough for me!
Personally, I’d LOVE to hear his side of calling his wife a cow when they’re having sex! :rolleyes:
I would agree with you completely if this was a situation where I had a relationship with dragongirl’s husband. Then it would be important for me to know both sides of the story before passing judgement on either one. Here it doesn’t really matter – dragongirl has presented her situation as one where she feels she needs to leave her husband, and is asking for advice on how to go about it. Why not simply take her at her word? If people offer sympathy and advice, and it later turns out she’s actually a horrible shrew, where the harm?
Better to be nice to someone who doesn’t deserve help than suspicious of someone who does.
It really doesn’t matter whose “fault” it is or whose side of the story we are getting. Unless Dragongirl is lying - her husband is as unhappy with her as she is with him. They have tried counseling. It hasn’t worked. He has been threatening for a year or more to leave her. She has two children living in a unstable situation with two parents who don’t LIKE each other. Doesn’t matter if he is abusive or not, if she is a spendthrift or not. Some marriages need to end regardless of if there is cheating or abuse. This seems, at least from Dragongirl’s side of the story (and the perspective she gives on her husband’s side), like one of them.
All good points, but who gives a shit? dragongirl is in a relationship that is not making her happy. She wants to leave. Maybe her husband is being unfairly maligned, or maybe he’s the scum of the Earth. It doesn’t make dragongirl any happier with her current situation, and it doesn’t make it any easier for her to get out of that situation and find some place where she is happy, which is the sole point of this thread.
dragongirl, I don’t have any advice to give you. I just want to let you know that I’ve enjoyed your posts here, and think you’re a pretty cool person. I hope everything works out for the best.
Well, how soon do you want to get out? I’ll tell you what I did, but unless your situation was exactly like mine, it may or may not help. I knew I had to get out around Christmas 1996, the separation happened in late August of 1997 and the divorce was final on December 1, 1997. All in all, it took me a year to get out, and I think it was worth it. In my case, the abuse was mostly verbal/mental, and there were the occasional pushing and shoving episodes. I didn’t fear for my safety or life (yet)*, so I planned and laid the groundwork for the end of my marriage with a calm, cool head. I was a SAHM with two years of college under my belt. The first thing I did was get a job as a payroll clerk, I opened a small savings account to squirrel away some money, I applied for and got a gas and a department store credit card in my own name- to build my credit (with no reference at all to my then husband), and after that was done (in about the first quarter of 1997) I proceeded to bide my time. I saved some money and shopped around for a good attorney. During the last summer of my discontent, I patiently cataloged all the joint assets, ordered duplicate copies of birth certificates for my children and myself, listed all the assets I brought to the marriage, listed all the heirloom furniture and jewelry I brought to the marriage, and prepared all of it in a large file for my first legal appointment. When it went down, it went down fairly smoothly. I tend to think he knew it was coming because I had so thoroughly distanced myself from him over the past year.
*Of course, at the first sign of violence I would have been out of there asap, and I was fortunate that I had time to make good my plans for the divorce.
My family was very supportive despite the fact I was positive I’d hear an endless number of “I told you so” statements. I think my crotchety old great-grandmother was the only one who called me a foolish girl. The semester following the divorce, I re enrolled in college. I finished my degree in May of 2000 and remarried that same month to the love of my life. From the time the separation began in 1997 until I graduated college and remarried in 2000, money was tight and times were tough. We ate macaroni and cheese or peanut butter sandwiches for dinner on a lot of nights. It was not easy. It was hard. It took three years to attain the life I wanted and knew I could have. So I guess my advice is: be calm, plan, and understand that leaving is the first step TOWARD making a better life. The leaving part won’t make things better overnight.
FB