Okay, so I’m a Wanna Be Graduate, and I’m about to get windy.
The abuse I allow myself to be subjected to is emotional and psychological. Matter of fact, during a daily session of building things up (supposedly being positive) just to make the fall greater when he then undercuts me, he concludes with great pride by stating all the ways he is good for, and to me, as well as repeatiing, yet again, how this whole…whatever is going on at the moment…is all my fault, creation, delusion, impure logic, yadda, yadda and reminds me that he has NEVER hit a woman in his life. I do not fear for my physical safety. That’s just not his style. He knows words can make deeper, more lasting wounds. BTW this is only the second “relationship” I’ve had in life. I am over 35 years old, never beenemployed before five years ago and the guy I live with was my first boss. I was ‘let go’ from my job in October just days after I initiated a conversation with him, at home, in regards to my desire to go to college.
No, I can’t get him on any sexual harrassment or wrongful discharge issues in the work place. He’s been very careful this whole time in protecting himself in that respect. I’ve already talked to a lawyer about it.
And yes, my every move, word or action is subject to his scrutiny. He uses manipulation, emotional blackmail and down right dirty ‘punishments or paybacks’ for anything I’ve done or said that sits wrong with him. I know how to cover my tracks on line, so I have no worry there.
A link to Al-Anon on line would be great. I am a child of alcoholic parents, and yes my parents (and my ex-husband) are very much like the man I am now in a relationship with. I understand there is a cycle here. I understand I am returning to the “type” of people I am familiar with. That the sort of thing that attracts me in the first place are actually the tale-tell signs of the very type of people I’m trying to free myself of. That I need to identify those signs early in a relationship and thus be able to avoid repeating the same mistakes I’ve made so far in life. That’s a helluva lot harder than it sounds.
As for family I can turn to, they have turned their backs on me. When I announced, many years ago, that I was going to divorce my husband of 16 years (I was married at 15 and he was 24) my mother went on a malicious campaign to gain custody of my children, incorporating my sisters into the horrid ordeal. ~Here I want to mention, that I do not drink, nor do I have any addictive habits. I had been a stay at home mommy up to that point in my life. I was the baby-sitter for my sisters and the errand gal for the whole family. I was really into what I thought, at the time, to be supportive behavior towards the family as a whole.~ The long and the short of that is, my family and my ex-husband are best of buddies now, and I’m the ‘black sheep’. I quit trying to be a part of the family after about the first year of all the crazy stuff. Not one of them has returned any communication I have attempted. I’ve let go there and have moved on.
:smack: How screwed up can one person get? I’ve made mistakes. And a lot of ‘em. I’m tryin’ to get it right.
Since November I’ve had problems breathing. I’ve been through a gamut of medical tests and even discussed clinical depression with my doctor. Anxiety and stress are more probable at this stage. My doctor, and he’s great, says he doesn’t want to go with anti-depresents. That I need to have an “ass-hole-ectomy” and that, “as an asshole magnet, change my polarity and reject them rather than reel another one into my life,” and a lot of the problem will be cured. I agree.
My luggage, or the thing that is crippling me; as is typical of abusive relationships, the user waits till they have the victim reliant upon them before they begin to change. So, within the first year of this relationship, while things were “going good” and he was still hiding his alcoholism, I bought into the “goal” he created for us.
I was fortunate enough to have won the deed to my home through my divorce. (Note please, the man I live with has been married and divorced three times, been bankrupt once, [I didn’t know any of this until later] is two years older than my ex-husband and had nary a penny to his name when I met him and he has an annual income of $75,000., no property and no personal possession worth spitting at either) The “Goal for Us” was that we “do a little repair work” on my house then sell it to buy a new place for Us to live together in for the rest of our lives. Gee, what a wonderful dream.
In three weeks time my entire home was gutted. I mean no plumbing, wiring, or interior walls, absolutely gutted. There was a big garage sale just before this whre he sold just about every damn thing I owned (said it’d just be in the way and we could afford to buy nicer things later on when we got our new place, all the work would take less than a year) All the while, I was buying into his smooth talking ways. And since his trade is in building new homes, he convinced me of themoney we would save is HE were to do all the re-construction. Fool? You bet I was. He got me hook, line and spinal column.
It’s been YEARS since then. We sleep on a mattress on the floor. The bathroom was finished just last year, and it’s what they call a rough finish, I believe. We were using a portable camping potty, until then and bathing from buckets over the basement drain. A new 200 amp breaker box is "piggy backed to the old 100 amp box, but only three rooms have been wired. The framing for the interior walls is here, but no dry wall, there is no carpet, no kitchen, that’s just an empty space.
My ex-husband called Childrens Services on my for unsuitable housing about two years ago. My children live with their father, and I’m allowed weekend visitation again now that I have bathroom facilities.
He has controlled all the money from the begining. Allowing me a budgeted amount for spending on groceries and such. (Just like my first marriage). After being accused of “money mismanagement”, he had my access to his checking account (the place where I had been depositing all my paychecks, and it was his account to begin with)"adjusted’. Meaning, he removed all but $500 dollars out of the joint account and put it into a single account that I have no access to. He puts $500 a month in the “joint” account and leaves me little option on how to spend it, ie. gas for my car and what bills that will pay, as they’re all in my name.
I’ve let him back in every time I’d kicked him out, I believe because I wanted desperately to believe he would do as he said and fix things. I’ve spoken with several lawyers on this part, and am told without a written agreement, I can’t sue him for anything. He can just walk away unscathed.
I had a private investigator check him out recently (I borrowed $250 from my neighbor lady telling her I had to have repairs made to my car and I’d pay her back soon). The PI discovered two other women my “SO” had been involved with in the last ten years who had very similiar experiences with him. At least these women had the brains to stop him before he got beyond two rooms in their houses.
Been to a lawyer about that too, thought maybe I could get him on a civil suit, as a predator of some sort and was told there wasn’t enough evidence.
The real kick in the a** was one of the women the PI had contacted decided to seek out my “SO” afterwards and TOLD him what I had done. My “punishment” was that her reporting to him of MY betrayal of HIS trust resulted in the two of them re-kindling their love relationship for about three weeks. I locked him out of the house again. (This was on the 27th of December, 2002).
Then I’m left sitting in the decimated remains of all my bad decisions and choices, without any money, without a job, unable to make a mortgage payment or my car payment or even buy food. He came knocking on the door three days later telling me he feels really bad, we don’t have to have a relationship, just let him stay in the house and fix it up and he’ll move on. I won’t “owe” him anything, he’s being “generous” he has a “legal” claim to my property for “work preformed without pay” and he’s willing to make repairs and be gone with things being “even” between us. Same ole song.
Windy I am, as well as a fool.
Reprise wrote, I’m “feeling too scared”. You’re damn right I am!! I also can’t forgive myself for allowing things to, not just get this way, but to continue. I don’t see a way out.
What really grabbed me. What I hadn’t asked myself yet, were questions that Zoe presented.
Who do I want to be when I’m free from the hook?
I can’t see beyond the hook.
What will it take for me to respect myself enough?
Enough? Let’s try again. First I believe I need to work on forgiving myself. I have shame, remarkable profound shame. There’s desperation there too.
I’m looking for a job. My car is for sale because I can’t afford the payments on my own. I’ve had contractors to the house, gotten estimates on the cost of repairs (we’re talking 80-$102,000). I’ve had realtor’s here, the house “might” be able to sell as a “handimans heaven”, but the figures they give me, for and “as is sell”, are less than the mortgage, by tens of thousands.
I’m LOOKING for a way out. I’m willing to walk away from the only thing I have left of value, this property, and start from the rock bottom spot my own gullible, little girl beliefs got me into. I just don’t see a way. I’m horribly afraid of declaring bankruptcy. I’d have to “pay” for years and years for my mistakes, my foolishness, my stupidity. Bankruptcy would be my breaking point, and I know it.
I’m scared. I don’t know what to do.