Alcohol abuse & when to leave

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been married for just over two years. For the duration of that time, my husband has been struggling with his propensity to abuse alcohol. Now, I’m at the point where I’m trying to decide how to draw the line. So, I’m coming to the SDMB for advice and thoughts.

It’s important to know the background, so here it is. When we met, my husband described himself as a recovering alcoholic. At the time, he had been sober for more than a year. After we’d been together for a couple of months, he had a few beers at a party we attended. It stayed under control until our engagement party, where he got really drunk and thoroughly embarrassed me. He promised to get help, so despite my family’s concern, I went ahead with the wedding. He drank on our honeymoon. It was only one drink on one night, but it violated the promise he had made just a few short weeks before.

Since then, the pattern has been that he will not indulge for a week or two, promising that he is now sober for life. Then, he has a one-night bender where he drinks a six-pack or two. Next day, he apologizes and the cycle begins again.

The biggest problem is that he is a terrible drunk. There is no “buzzed”; he’s sober or he’s drunk. When he’s drunk, he doesn’t care about anything but himself at the moment, so removing him from the situation is impossible. This has made parties essentially off-limits for both of us. He gets so drunk that he loses all control. I have found him peeing on walls and windows. I’ve found him naked on the bathroom floor, dry heaving. Worst of all, he will drive drunk.

Mostly, he drinks when he’s alone. So, I worry about leaving him for any length of time. I worry at work. I worry if I go shopping. I was worried when I was with my mother in the hospital (and, rightly so; he got totally smashed that night.) I have curtailed what I want to do, so as not to give him the opportunity to drink.

So, when is it too much? Other than the drinking, we are pretty happy together. But I see it changing me and changing what I expect. I keep thinking maybe this is the time that he really quits. Then he drinks and I decide it’s over. The next day, he apologizes and I start thinking that maybe this is the time he will really quit. I want to give him the chance to get sober, but how many times can he fail…

2

Check out Al-anon. You’ll find a lot of folks there who’ve been in your position and asked the same questions, and are making the decisions they need to make in order to take care of themselves.

And remember, you didn’t cause his alcoholism, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.

Good luck!

3

I’ve never gone to a meeting, but I have read quite a bit about AA and its related programs. My problem with them is right at the beginning: “his drinking is not your problem, it’s his”. That’s patently untrue, for all of the reasons I outlined above. So, when I see that, I just tune out.

Having said that, I know I haven’t given them a true chance. I should at least try one meeting.

4

Dump him. Now. Save yourself the time and agony.

Or, get yourself extremely well educated about alcoholism, and do whatever that education suggests you do.

And make sure your birth control is fearsome and redundant. You do not want to have a child with this guy.

5

So he’s controlling you with his behavior. Doesn’t this seem the least little bit weird?

I second QtM’s suggestion that you check out Al-Anon – until you understand what “it’s not your problem, it’s his” actually means, you probably shouldn’t reject the statement out of hand.

6

This is a tough question that only you can answer. Of course, the safest choice would be to dump him immediately. I wouldn’t suggest that though, as apart from the huge alcoholic monster in your living room, it sounds like you have a working marriage.

I don’t know what to tell you… Things won’t get any better unless you start some form of alcoholic treatment.

I think when AA says it’s his problem and not yours, they mean that you are not the one responsible for changing his condition. I could be wrong.

7

I get that it’s not my problem to fix. But I can’t just wait for him to fix it; it impacts me every day. Even when he’s not drinking.

He’s tried several types of treatment. He tried drinking in moderation; he can’t do it. He tried an addiction therapist; we can’t afford appointments frequently enough to make a difference. He tried SOS (sort of like AA without a higher power); he didn’t feel the need to attend meetings, so it didn’t work.

He flat out refuses to go to AA. He says the AA is swapping one dependence for another. I’ve told him that AA is a visible, daily commitment to getting better and that’s what matters to me. Still a no-go.

I got off track there. I’m going to try to find an Al-Anon meeting that I can make this week. I’ll give it a shot.

8

We all make choices: turn left, turn right, have another piece of cake, scratch my elbow, take that first drink.

The thing about addiction is the craving. It’s there and it’s real. As I type this I light up a cigarette from the first pack I have had in five weeks. That was a choice. Opening the pack was a choice. Lighting the first one was a choice. Sure, I can justify my choice by saying I’m satisfying a craving that is getting in the way of my life. I can blame my job. I can blame my kids, my wife. I can blame my car for being about to break down long before payday. But nobody else made the choice. Nobody put a gun to my head and forced me to smoke. It was all me.

It’s the same with any choice we make, it’s always our choice and nobody elses. Cravings can make you think strange things. It can make your body hurt when there is no injury. Withdrawel from a lot of things (including alcohol) can make you sick. Withdraw too fast from too much and it can be dangerous. But we have choices.

We can choose to seek help. If it is a physical danger we can seek medical help. If it is a mental danger we can seek support. If choosing not to drink is a choice that someone wants to make then it is a choice we can make.

The first step in getting help is admitting that we are powerless alone against our cravings, against our addiction. There’s eleven more but the first one is always the hardest, no exception.

And the thing to remember about choices is that we make them in our mind, we own them, they are ours alone. You cannot make his choices for him. You can help him, you can support him, you can love him with all your heart but in the end the choice to be sober is his and his alone.

That’s what is meant by it is his problem, not yours. It is his problem because it is his choice. Sure the problems bleed out and damage the ones we love. But in no way is his drinking your fault. You can’t think for him, you can’t make his choices for him, you cannot ever own his sobriety.

Which comes to your choices. As the OP says you are looking for a line in the sand. Where do you draw the line as to how much you are willing to take? When is enough enough for you to decide that you don’t want to live this way.

The truth is that line is already drawn. As soon as you realize this is a problem, as soon as you realize that you deserve better, as soon as you start asking how many more times must I watch him fail, you have made the choice. You do deserve better than that. He deserves better than that but his choices are his own, you cannot change that.

My advise is to drop the pride, forget about how you patently feel about the tenets of AA, and either get him into a program (and definately get yourself to Al-Anon) or get the hell out and try to salvage your own sanity.

His drinking is not your problem, his treatment is not your responsibility. If you love him get him help, if not then get out.

Like Red said in Shawshank’s Redemption “The way I see it you can either get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’”

Oh, and say this a lot too, no matter how it turns out:
“God*, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And the Wisdom to know the difference.”

Here are some other things I wrote earlier this evening on a similar subject:

Good luck,
N8

*Note - Don’t get too hung up on the God part. It doesn’t matter if it is God, Allah, Buddha, Ganish or The Flying Spaghetti Monster; the point is in the message, not the messenger.

9

The elephant in the room is that he’s fucking up. I’m not anyone to give advice about how to quit an addiction - I’ve tried several times and haven’t been able to give up smoking - but it’s still fairly obvious that he has and is the problem. Just saying; you really shouldn’t listen to me.

See if he can be distracted. Hobbies that take him out of it for days at a time.

(The best attempt I had at quitting smoking was either when I was at The Gathering, a huge LAN party, for five days and completely engrossed in what I was doing or the time a few months ago when me and four of my non-smoking friends went hiking for four days. I didn’t grab a cigarette the day after either and if I’d had a non-stressed enviroment I don’t think I ever would have. As it was, the first time I went straight to my best friend’s bachelor party the first time, got smashed and chain-smoked a 20-pack someone gave me and smoked the day after under the hangover. The second time I had a seriously bad work-day - police search, power failure, dealing with a robbery - and had been working for seven hours straight with no pause, and finally claimed a cigarette break to be able to go up to the 6th floor and sit down in peace for ten minutes. My carton of cigarettes was still lying there - which I’d intended to bring with me hiking, but forgot - and so I still keep going.)

The worst part of addiction is - once a smoker, always a smoker. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. The crack (as in a crack in the wall) of an addict begins the day of the the “last drink.” And social habits reinforce that. The professional people I talked to about quitting smoking say that there’s a lot of friends I need to get rid of. (The smoking group I talk to down at the pub, the smokers at work, et cetera) Well, not get rid of per se, but mentally downgrade. Their company will attract back the habit.

So, in essence, what I’m saying is help him find a way to distract him from indulging. Extreme sports for the adrenaline rush and cameraderie, hiking or hunting from taking him away from it for long stretches of time, Home Defence militaries, etc. (Re: the last, that might be something local to Norway. We have a mandatory first service, after or during which most recruits will be assigned to the Home Defence branch. If you’re a current servee, there’s exercises one weekend a month where thousands of you basically spend a weekend out in the bush playing wargames)

Just FWIW.

10

Let me give you some perspective here: “Other than the addicted behaviour that is ruining our lives and could potentially kill innocent bystanders that he refuses to fix, we are pretty happy together.” Does that help?

AA is right - his drinking is not your problem. Being married to a drinking alcoholic is your problem. This is the problem that you can work on. I feel really bad for you, but I don’t see a happy ending here. I see neverending high stress levels and endless piles of crap for you.

And I strongly second Boyo Jim - do not, under any circumstances, have a baby with this guy. Even when he’s in his honeymoon phase and will promise you anything to get you to stay. Best of luck to the both of you.

11

It doesn’t sound like he’s particularly interested in fixing this problem, and obviously that’s bad. If he refuses to make positive steps toward long-term improvement (i.e. going to AA or SOS meetings regularly) then I think you have to assume this is going to continue and probably worsen. IMHO, you need to give him an ultimatum: start going to meetings regularly (or some other form of treatment) or you leave. What you’re doing now clearly isn’t working.

12

Here’s the thing: he doesn’t want to stop drinking and there’s nothing you can say to him to change that. It will only change if and when the consequences of his drinking become serious enough that he finally sees the negative impact his drinking has on his life. Hopefully, that won’t happen because he kills someone while driving drunk.

I third/fourth/fifth the suggestion that you educate yourself through al-Anon. Right now, you recognize that there’s a problem but, frankly, you’re not interested in taking the hard steps YOU need to take to get this crap out of your life.

Good luck.

13

Everyone here has given you very good advice. For your own peace of mind, follow it. From what you’ve said, he clearly doesn’t really plan to quit. He’ll just say whatever it takes to pacify you at the moment and will go right back as soon as he wants to. You can’t change him but you can change yourself. Don’t tolerate it anymore because it really will only lead to a lifetime of misery for you. Make a plan for yourself and follow through. And like the others said: for goodness sake, don’t seal your fate by having a child with this man no matter what he says.

14

I’ve tried that route. I know that boredom and loneliness are big triggers for him. But, how much can I curtail my life to keep him happy? At some point, he has to take that upon himself. And, he just won’t. There’s no other way to describe it.

Also, in case it wasn’t clear before, he doesn’t drink every day. It’s more like a bender every other week. He’s not dependent; he’s an abuser. But, at this point, the other thirteen days are totally colored by the impending fourteenth day.

15

You need to let him know that drinking means not being married to you. Take a drink, get a divorce. Real simple deal. The dying, killing, and being a useless waste of human potential is his deal. Your deal is: Divorce, or sobriety, sobriety every single moment of every single day for the rest of your life. No second chance, no working on it. One drink, one divorce.

Tris

16

This gets ugly, so read at your own risk.

Exactly, Red–saying it’s not your problem is like saying you can’t control the weather so you shouldn’t worry about the water flooding her basement. You don’t know if you’re going to come home from work one day to find the house burned down and you’re not supposed to “worry”? Could the addict be any more narcissistic? You’re not worried about HIM, your worried about sane things like your property or his driving and killing someone else etc. Hello?

She knows she’s not to “blame” for his drinking. I get somewhat irked by this line–we all know we’re not to blame, it’s the alcoholics who insist on sidestepping responsibility and assigning blame.That’s part of their disease. Trust me, we don’t blame ourselves–that’s your conceit speaking. We don’t care–we care how your actions impact on us. And they do; they certainly do.

I think you should leave him. Let him hit bottom all by himself. Why be an eye witness to someone else’s self-destruction?–drowning people often drown their rescuers. He’s lied to you since day one; he continues to lie to you (and himself)–he won’t change until he’s ready (if he ever is). I realize that leaving is neither simple or easy. But I agree with those here who have said you can’t change him. Don’t stick your hand in the crazy–or in your case, get your hand back outta there, stat.

IMO, you have every right to feel deep anger, betrayal and hurt at his actions. I feel it’s dismissive to say “go to Al-Anon; he’s got a disease that you can’t control or cure.” No shit–her problem is how to clean up the mess that is now her life and how to let go of a dream.
I do think Al-Anon can help with that. I see no reason for her to reasonable about this. It fucking sucks and this man should know it. Too bad he can’t focus long enough to even be aware of the impact. It’s too easy to say, “well, he’s sick”, as if that explains it all and makes it OK to have had to live with all the shit. It’s NOT ok. Alcoholics may well be sick, but they must also realize that being sick does not absolve them of anything they did drunk. I really don’t get the feeling that they understand that much (the ones I know in RL, that is–sorry if this is so harsh to recovering folk here. This is a very intense issue for me.)

Kudos to those who have overcome a horrific addiction and gone on to make something of their lives. I have to sometimes wonder (and this is not directed at any Doper) if they ever think of all the damage they did and the hurt they caused and the shit they put everyone through. That damage is NOT always temporary or shortlived. I speak from personal experience here as one of those innocent bystanders. Yes, I am bitter about it. I tend to have a jaundiced view of the whole, “Well, it’s a disease, so I couldn’t really help it and me saying that makes up for all the shit of the last decade or so and you should call me brave, and applaud me for doing what most people do without thought: staying sober.” It’s a non-apology. Hell, it even became fashionable for awhile to admit to addiction and rehab in celebrity/political circles.

I once read somewhere that an alcoholic feels something like 10 times the pain (pain was left undefined–not sure if it was physical, or psychological /emotional/spiritual etc) that a “normal” person feels. I find that unbelievably arrogant. “I was in such pain that I had to drink etc” As if the sober or normal person’s pain is somehow lesser in nature. At least the alcoholic gets disappears into a bottle and oblivion–the sober ones stay and deal with the pain–you know, like life and all it can hand you?
It’s all a bit too pat and glib for my taste.

Sorry for the rant. I feel better, though.

17

Every day.

-N8

18

Addiction is really like that? No one can ever change? So it’s like a real defect in the brain with no real chance of rehabilitation? This seems scary and sad.

19

If they are in a 12-step program, then yes. Steps 4, 5, 8, 9, and 10 all relate to acknowledging personal wrongdoing and making amends to the extent that it is possible.

Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves

Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs

…

Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all

Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others

Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it

20

Speaking from personal experience that was not related to alcohol, but is none-the-less pertinent;

Leaving a bad situation can be hard. It can feel like failure. It can feel like Death. The very idea is full of fear and anxiety, and our head is happy to fill in the worst case scenario for us.

Do it without fear. Because while it is Death, it’s not the painful termination of all that is good and desirable. It’s the death of all the bad, stupid crap you have to deal with every day. It is a joyful release of tension and transformation of life.

Think of it this way. All that pain and uncertainty. All the lies, the manipulation. All the arguments. All the losses. All the fear.

Gone.