Tell me your tales of alcoholism

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

The good, the bad, and the ugly. Either side of the situation.

I’m not going to go into the how’s and why’s of it all, because, face it, if you’ve been in my shoes, or have been the person on the other side of the coin, you already know my story.

I just want to read other people’s experiences, perhaps in a misery loves company type of way, or to try and gleam some sort of sense to the senseless type of way, I’m not sure.

I’ve got a headache, I’m going to go take some Advil now, and will be back after it has kicked in.

~V

2

Short version from this thread:

“First of only two SOs in my life: started out good, so in love with this intelligent, sensitive, loving man that I just knew we could work out the drinking problem, then as the years went by and the drinking got worse – lies, acrimony and blame, love withering, car wrecks, DUI, sickness, police coming to the house, and death at age 36. But hey, at least he didn’t sleep around.”

I’ll give you some more dirty details later; it’s time to leave work right now!

3

I don’t have a personal story to tell, just a book recommendation: Drinking: A Love Story. Amazon has 25 sample pages that are well worth reading.

4

VDarlin, I don’t have anything to share, but I wanted to offer my support. Hang in there.

5

Back in 1991-1992, specifically from December 1991-June 1992 I was on a 6 month drunk, which essentially meant that a day didn;t go by where I had LESS then 1 1/2 cases of beer or the equivilent in liquor/wine a day. I actually was fairly functional, not that I had to do much functioning. I didn’t have a job, except for the band, and when you’re in a rock band you’re expected to be a drunk/druggie. But towards the end of the 6 months, things started getting out of hand, not that I would have admitted it at the time. What brought things to a head was when I missed a gig 'cause I was off getting very nicely boiled in the park.

Our guitarist Paul read me the riot act, and actually called me a couple of names that I had never heard before, but all he did was strengthen my stupid sense of resolve that I didn;t have a problem.

It took our bass player Steve to talk with me without calling names or shouting or casting blame or aspersions, but simply saying that I had a couple of choices:

  1. I could keep on drinking and become a professional drunk. If I did this I would no longer be the lead singer in the band.

  2. I could stop. And I would continue to be the lead singer in the band.

“Either way,” Steve said, "I will never stop loving or caring about you, but I’m not going to stand here and feel pity for you. I will do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to help you. Same goes for Paul and Jeff. At first you were only hurting yourself. Now you’re hurting the people who care about you the most.
"I can’t make you stop. Neither can Paul or Jeff, You are the one who can make yourself stop. Whatever help you need, the 3 of us will do anything to make it happen.
“But you have to make the decision in your own mind and then take the 1st step. No one else can do that for you.”

After hearing that I went and got UTTERLY spatulad. It was so bad my sweat smelled like booze.

But then I sat and thought and took the first step.

I stopped.

6

This thread tells quite a few stories of the type you’re looking for. I’m glad I don’t drink anymore.

7

Alcoholism runs in my family, and I have watched one family member after another ruin their lives with alcohol. I wish I could accurately describe how horrible that is, but I don’t think there are enough words. I will say, however, that my mother still misses her alcoholic father, who was actually a pretty awesome, fun guy, but who drank himself to a very premature death over twenty years ago. My father, who is also an alcoholic, is dying now - his liver and heart are not going to last much longer. I have no contact with him, and I can only guess how miserable he must be to wake up every day and not have the two things that should have mattered most to him - his children - in his life at all. He chose alcohol over me so many times that finally I gave up trying to compete. His alcoholism has affected me in so many ways that I would label it as the defining factor of my life, though I wish every day that I could give him that label instead.

8

A happier story…

Okay, so the first part is not so happy.

My father was a brilliant man (like frighteningly intelligent – alas, he had no common sense his life followed a kind of logic like: “I’ve used a screwdriver… therefore, I am a mechanic!”.) He died from a form of cancer that you essentially only get if you are an alcoholic and smoker. The prognosis for that kind of cancer is… well, death. It is very resistant to chemo and has a ridiculoulsy high mortality rate.

He was a quiet drunk (rather than a rampaging violent one), but he died quite estranged from those he cared about. He was almost 63 when he died and had never held a permanent full-time job, despite the fact that he was a PhD (and had four other degrees).

In all honesty, I suspect he suffered from another disorder (possibly bipolar) that was masked by his drinking (“self-medicating” himself). He was always treated as if alcoholism was a problem, but his behaviour patterns (considered in retrospect and including his childhood) hint at some kind of disorder.

The happier part – no one else is an alcholic. And those he left behind have thrived despite the chaos he caused. We thrived while he was alive, despite the challenges that he presented. We all are okay.

Nach4Sara – I’ve been in your shoes. It is not a happy place to be. But rest assured, my father’s alcoholism affected my life in countless ways – but it has never defined me. I realised as a youg adolescent that this huge problem was his, not mine. I may have been a satellite in orbit around his alcoholism, but I am my own person. It was a liberating realisation. I could live under the shadow of his illness, or I could live my own life.

I live my own life. And I’m not addictd to alcohol, nicotene, or anything else.

9

Well, my father was not a quiet alcoholic - he was the kind who beat his wife and children. When I say “define,” I mean that almost every issue that has cropped up consistently in my life - my inability to trust, my control freak nature, the high standards of perfection that I always hold myself to, my absolute aversion to ever being married or having children - stems from his alcoholism and what it did to my family. For the first eleven years of my life, his drinking was all I knew, along with his violence and his anger toward us for no apparent reason - how could it not define me?

That being said, it doesn’t define me now. It’s merely a part of who I am. But his influence on my life from the moment I was born has certainly been significant, and as much as I consider myself my own person, I think I would be foolish to say that his alcoholism has not affected me in myriad ways. His alcoholism does not define me any more, but it was still a defining factor in my life for many years.

10

I’m a drunk. I know this. I admit it frequently.

Being a drunk doesn’t have merits but you sure feel good at night. The next day though, damn.

You think I am kidding? I woke up today, slammed some water and had a beer.

What do you need to know? Being a drunk sucks. It’s expensive, it’s degrading to you and you look like shit after drinking.

At least I am not a jerk…which is subject to interpretation.

11

BTW, I have a former alcoholic father that had to give up his drinking because of a pancreatic concern. My mother was an alcoholic. Best friend’s husband is an alcoholic.

If you have specific concerns I am more than willing to help you with those questions.

12

When I was 11-13 I suffered from all sorts of anxiety. I totallyknow what you mean about suddenly having you rfather turn on you for no reason. Totally unexpected, you could never predict it. I remember worrying through my entire math class – wondering if I had left a glass out on the counter instead of putting it in the sink. Am I going to catch hell when I get home? Or will everything be just swell? If it’s not the glass is it something I don’t even know about?

This is such a great sign of healing and independence. Of course the chaos will be a part of your history – it’s most definitey a significant part of mine. But it can either destroy you, or it can strengthen you. After all of that chaos, if you came out okay, then you know you have the tools to handle all hell breaking loose. You have what it takes to survive because you’ve dealt with a helluva lot of crap.

13

Hmm…what to say here. I am not an alcoholic, and very thankful of that fact, as my mom is, although she has been sober(from alcohol) for the last 22 years, her alcoholism, and it’s affects on the first 10 years of my life is a very strong resolve to me, although I honestly do not have a physical desire for drinking. She did go on to have a prescription drug addiction not so long ago, and has now cleaned up from that, but I’ve been around it, I know what it does to people, and to families.

I’ve never really been one to “settle”, and I wouldn’t exactly say that I have exceptional hard to meet standards, but alcoholism, and alcohol and/or drug abuse definitely does not fit into the picture of what I want in a relationship. Because of that, I nipped a couple of potential relationships in the bud very early on, because there was no point in putting time, and energy, into a lost cause. So what happened that I now find myself in a very serious relationship, with an alcoholic? He’s a binge drinker type of alcoholic, not one who necessarily drinks to excess on a schedule of any sort, thus, it seems quite obvious, to me, that moderation is not really an option for him. Although that is what he says he wants, to me, that’s just an open invitation for disaster.

I feel stuck. I have never been one to allow myself to feel helplessly trapped, but that’s exactly where I am. I love him, he’s a good man, when he’s not been drinking, and no, he doesn’t drink every day, but when he does, even in small doses, he becomes someone that I have absolutely no interest in being around, whatsoever, OR, he becomes a danger to himself, and those around him, in any number of ways, depending on how the alcohol has affected him during that particular binge.

Anyway, I am in the middle of a long, hard look, at the relationship, and trying desperately to decide what I should think, and more importantly, do. I went out to a message board, specifically designed for those who have alcoholics in their lives, but I have found it to be very unhelpful - very bitter, vindictive, ex, or almost ex-spouses, who tell me that my only option is to get out now. Well, I know from experience that an alcoholic CAN recover, and so I am just not completely sold on the idea of walking away. I also know that a very large number of alcoholics never do recover, and spend their lives in denial, and making empty promises, etc, etc…go figure, my mom’s recovery is actually partly to blame for my in-ability to do what is “right”, at least according to others who have been there.
Thanks for the responses so far, especially the link to the thread started by Dinsdale. I think that coming here, and reading people’s stories is going to be a lot more helpful in giving me input to churn in my brain, than going to the message board designed specifically for this purpose - it’s too biased.

techchick68, if you don’t mind, what have been your experiences with relationships, as far as how alcoholism has affected them?

Thanks again for the input, and any more is definitely welcome.

~V

14

Alcoholism runs in my extended family, though thankfully not in my immediate one – my mother, forced to grow up far too early and take care of her three younger brothers when her mother could not, developed a deep-set aversion to drinking that she has partially passed on to me. There are a number of stories there but they’re not mine to tell. But my mother is still affected by her childhood with an alcoholic mother, even though my grandmother no longer drinks and my mother moved out permanently when she was 18.

My best friend on roommate has been affected even more – at least one of her close relatives seems to have drunk herself to death. It was a terrible blow for a family that had already experienced some heavy losses.

VDarlin, if you can forgive a total stranger for offering advice, please look into AA or a similar organization. If he won’t go, then at least you should. The more people you can talk to who love you and support you like we do, the better. :slight_smile:

Alcoholics can go quite far on the road of recovery, but it can be very difficult for relationships to recover with them, and some relationships never do. Good luck, and I hope things turn out all right for you.

15

Relationships are virtually non-existant.

How can I put this?

Drunks are fun for the first few dates but overall they suck. Same with those that smoke dope. I know as I have dated a few that smoke dope and man it gets old.

I am still single, I am 33 going on 34 and haven’t had much for a relationship in years. Kinda makes you think but we all live our goofy lives in goofy ways. Mine just happens to included drinking.

But know that it’s okay with me because I am a pain in the ass.

16

My brief stint with sobriety merely showed me that I am far more fucked up than I imagined myself to be.

17

Pretty much ditto of what Nacho4Sara said. My dad is now sober, but still pretty much a ‘dry-drunk’ which means he has all the behaviours of a drunk (a bit mellowed, admittedly) but no longer consumes alcohol.

Just a memory that came up the other day: My dad stumbled into my highschool graduation almost an hour late, walked across the entire length of the field stumbling drunk and took his seat next to my mortified brother and mother (they were already divorced at the time). It was so humiliating, I thought I’d never, ever get over it. It was only when I finally confronted my dad directly with all the horrible memories I had/have of him that he finally admitted that maybe he’d been a wee bit a bad parent. :rolleyes:

He still rages, behaves inappropriately, is unable to deal with stress and can be a selfish bastard. That doesn’t stop unless the alcoholic actually ‘works the (a) program.’

Sara, believe it or not, I was in your shoes. My first major relationship was what helped me heal from the effects of my childhood. My current marriage, and having a child have made me more understanding of life from my dad’s side of the story. I don’t recall how old you are, but it took me until well into my late 20’s until I came to terms with this. I endured it a bit longer than you, for about 18 years directly (as in living with him) and indirectly since then.

I must admit, however, I have zero tolerance for parents who choose anything above their kids. Just a short list below, as it’s something I’ve been thinking about in relationship to an acquaintance of mine.

It’s horrible when parents choose any of these things above their children, even if they are addicts/diseased with addiction:

alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, a new lover/relationship, new kids, career, money, fame, success, ego, etc, etc.

18

I was married to an alcoholic for ten years. I watched her go from a vibrant, intelligent, attractive woman to a complete and utter mess, but I stuck by her. I supported her when she started to attend AA and continued to stand by her throughout her recovery. Unfortunately, I had stopped loving her years ago and never admitted it to myself. I was anger and humiliated and embarassed that my wife had become this drunken creature that I didn’t want to be seen or associated with. The result of all of that was after she sobered up and regained her life and became the same vibrant, intelligen, attractive women again I was gone. Al-Anon helped me take back control of my life (I stopped reacting to her problems and attempting to save her from herself and started taking care of myself). I can honestly say that AA saved her life and Al-Anon saved mine. Nothing could save our marriage.

19

Oh, I am so feeling the glass issue. When people (the few that I tell) ask me what having an alcoholic parent was like, I tell them that knocking over a glass of iced tea was enough to earn a beating with a belt.

I also say that the flip side of living in that situation is that I know that everything good about me and my life is good because I decided that it would be so. I had so many chances to say Fuck it, it’s just not worth it, and enough people underestimated me to accept that. But I pushed myself every day of my life, and I am proud to say that I am who I am because I chose to be that person.

Anahita - rock on. People should not have children unless they plan to put their children first. No one in my entire life has ever put me first - for my father, it was alcohol; for my mom, it was drugs and victimhood and then her new husband; for my family, it was keeping the secret of my parents’ problems regardless of what it was costing my brother and me emotionally and physically. Realizing and accepting that, and moving on, was a very difficult, painful experience, and I wouldn’t wish that on any child.

VDarlin, I am very glad to hear that you are not an alcoholic. As for what you should do, I think there are two ways of looking at it:

  1. If you love him, you should stick by him and help him any way you can. You have to realize, though, that ultimately this is his problem, and only he can decide to change. If you nag him, or baby him, or make this into something about you, than you might do him more harm than good. He doesn’t need someone to make excuses for him or try to make things easy for him; he needs support and love and a good listener. And take it from someone who knows: having one person who believes in you can change your whole life. If you are strong enough to be that person for him, and you care about him enough to want to help him, then you should.

  2. OTOH, it would be smarter to just remove yourself from the relationship as neatly and as quickly as possible. It would save you a lot of grief, drama, tears, and stress. Staying with him could ruin your life - it could kill you. I think if you examine the depth and strength of your feelings for him and find them lacking, then you should take this option. Staying because you feel you have to, or because it’s the right thing to do, is just going to make two people very unhappy.

Ultimately, only you can make this decision. But please know that I am pulling for you, no matter what you choose. And please, please, please do not bring children into this situation until his alcoholism is under control.

20

Thank you all for your candid responses, they have been far more helpful for me to read, than those that I found on the message board specifically for this type of thing. I can relate to those of you who talked of alcoholic parents, as I had one, myself, as well as, now, those who have been in relationships with an alcoholic, as I currently am.

FWIW, he and I live on opposite coasts, at the moment, but he is scheduled to move here, possibly as early as next month. He knows, that I will not, under any circumstances, stay in a relationship with an active alcoholic, the rest is really up to him. For him to move means making severe adjustments, and giving up some very valuable things, and I know for a fact that he does not wish to do so, only to have things fall apart a few months down the line, and then be left with even less. I do have hope, even though, perhaps I shouldn’t, but given what’s already gone before, it’s going to take some serious effort on his behalf to regain my trust, as far as his drinking is concerned.

Thanks, SpoilerVirgin for the book link, I read through the sample pages in a matter of minutes, and went on to order a copy for both myself, and my SO, they should be arriving tomorrow.

Techchick68, perhaps this is out of line, but I would like to say that, I do hope that, someday, you will find the desire, and strength, to want to stop drinking, much as you currently feel towards smoking. I have been around a few people who either did not think that they could, or did not want to quit, but they did anyway, and they are all the more happy for it, and truly feel as though their lives are much better, and definitely healthier, for it. As I stated in the quit smoking thread you started, I am seriously considering doing it with you. I think that anything that frees us from a ball and chain(especially self-inflicted ones) to better ourselves is a step in the right direction to a happier life.

Where things will go from here, I am not sure, as it’s really not up to me to decide. Any other stories for me to mull over are always welcome.

Thanks again.

~V