Tell me your tales of alcoholism

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Nacho4Sara, you were posting at the same time as me, and your post brought up something that I have not previously addressed - children. That is one of my biggest reasons for being such a pain in the ass about his drinking, and my absolute refusal to have an active alcoholic in my house. I have kids. He has kids. We have a child together. There is little that I can do to protect his daughters, from his alcoholism, except keep my fingers crossed. For the most part, with his problem being binge drinking, and the custody arrangement he has with his ex, he is good about not putting his daughters in harms way, because of it. That doesn’t make it right, nor does it mean that he always puts them above alcohol, but he does make a strong effort, as far as his kids are concerned. Now, as for my own kids, uh, sorry, no, I won’t even consider putting them in an environment that has that type of instability attached. If he falls off the wagon, he damn well better have somewhere else to stay until he climbs back on, and he knows this. This goes for my children with my ex-husband, as well as the son that we have together. His ex-wife doesn’t have a leg to stand on, were she to ever want to take him to court for full custody of their daughters, as her problems far outweigh his(something that bothers me to no end, and concerns me greatly, as far as his daughters are concerned, as I care for them very much), but if he proves himself to be untrustworthy, as far as his drinking is concerned, I am not above taking him to court, to ensure that I am the one who ultimately raises our child, in a warm, and nurturing environment. I do not wish to do this, as I feel that children need to have both parents in their lives, at least to some extent, and if I ever were to do that, I would not belittle him in front of his son, but I would not lie about my reasons, either. I have enough experience as the child of an alcoholic to know what I do not want for my children, as far as that is concerned.

Ok, that was a tangent, I know, but I do feel somewhat better having gotten it off my chest - guess this is my “gleam information”, as well as my “therapy” thread.

~V

22

That was my father for the last years of his life (by then the damage was done, so event hough he was no longer drinking, he died of an alcholic’s illness.)

What my mom and I found the most infuriating was that as 12-stepper, he decided that he was a Guru/Therapist/Messiah (this was quite consistent with his personality, ie/ “I have used a screwdriver… therefore, I am a mechanic!”) So, since he had suffered and triumphed over the demon that is alcohol, he could lead others out of the darkness of their garden-variety neuroses. He decided to “help” people – people that didn’t particularly need or want “help”. He saw people with “problems” everywhere. The “problems” were entirely in his own mind – he was harassing people (asking personal questions, trying to “counsel” them, calling too much, too often etc.)

The social embarassment he caused as a dry-alcholic were just as bad as when he was drinking. His behaviour patterns were exactly the same as when he was drinking except that he felt that his sobriety gave him licence to behave that way. Thus, there was no incentive for him to change his behaviour because he thought it was"right and good." Harassing people while drunk was bad, but somehow harassing them while sober was a good thing. (He probably would have gotten himself in trouble with the anti-stalker legislation of today.)

23

My mother is a recovering alcoholic (11 years sober) and manic depressive. Being an adolescent with her around was sooo much fun (smell the sarcasm?).

Fortunately, we have a wonderful relationship now. I have a deep respect for recovering alcoholics. Shoot, if you can put it down and leave it there, you can do anything.

24

VDarlin

My first step is to quit smoking. This is worse in my book than being a drunk. Smoking, especially amongst women, seems to ravage one’s body more than does drinking.

I am not proud of my drinking but one step at a time.

My parents both were alcoholics. My mom was a mean drunk though, very mean. But my father wasn’t. He’s still alive and I love him dearly even if he’s a dork once in a while. My mom died of colon cancer at 46 (1983.)

Anyhow, stopping smoking is my first priority. Then I will tackle the drinking.

25

My family was a bunch of Irish drunks on my father’s side & a bunch of american drunks on my mother’s side. One great-grandfather died with a ‘wet brain’ in his early 50’s from chronic alcohol abuse. My father was a drunk all the time I was a small child. He took jobs out of town so he wouldn’t have to deal with my mother, who was also a drunk. I don’t know why my mother was never home, maybe she was out partying with her friends. Most of my early childhood memories involve 3 kids under the age of 10 in a house with no food alone for days at a time.

My own drinking/ drug use was pretty fucked up. I was engaged to a beautiful, intelligent, ambitious girl & blew that because I would stay out every night drinking & getting high with my buddies & ignore my fiance. I didn’t pay my bills or buy necessities like food or soap if I needed the money for booze or street drugs. That & the fact that I wasn’t emotionally mature enough to be in a committed relationship at the time.

I couldn’t hold most jobs for more than a month. I couldn’t keep a girlfriend for more than a month. I cheated on most of my girlfriends. I got drunk & hit on my buddies’ girlfriends. I would kiss every girl at the party. I never owned a car until I got clean.
I dropped out of college after every semester because I couldn’t keep drinking & go to school at the same time. I failed almost everything I attempted while I was using. I was very unhappy. I hated the world & everything in it. I both pitied & loathed myself. I cried a lot when I drank alone, and towards the end nobody wanted to drink with me.

Since I got clean 8 years ago my life has improved dramatically. I’m not saying that I’m whistling zip-a-dee-doo-da out of my anus or that I’m incredibly successful in my career or that I have the best marriage in the world because that would be a lie.

I did meet a wonderful woman at a 12-step convention & we got married, but after 5 years together we both admitted that it wasn’t working & we would both be happier on our own. I was not completely destroyed by it though. I have a job, a house, a car & a dog, which is better than I had when I was drinking/using drugs.

I’m gonna quit smoking with you techchick68 on August 5th, when you’re ready to quit the booze let me know if you need any help.

26

VDarlin, if you haven’t done so already, I’d strongly encourage you to check out Al-Anon. It’s expressly designed for people in your situation, and the people there can help you to assess your situation, and help you to figure out what you want to do about it. Find one of those women who have been in the program for a long time, like 10-20 years, because they’re the no-bullshit, no self-pity, take no excuses types that will help you the most.

27

Al-Anon good. AA good. Return to drinking too hideously painful to think about. 12 years sober now. I’ll do whatever it takes to not take that first drink. These are the best days ever.

28

I have looked into Al-Anon, and have done quite a bit of reading on their website, but there are no meetings close to me, that I have been able to find, unfortunately.

I got the book yesterday, and am already pretty well into it. It’s an interesting read. A lot of lightbulb moments that really shouldn’t have been, if I’d only thought to realize some of the stuff before. Because I’ve never had an alcohol problem though, I never thought about some of the “reasons” before.

Continued thanks!

~V

29

I’m back for the full story and am struck at people with similar circumstances to mine, like plnnr, them starting out as this wonderful, witty person and deteriorating into a person you don’t even know anymore and certainly don’t like very much, even if you do have a sort of sibling-like love left over for them.

I married my high-school sweetheart after dating for 7 years, knowing he was an alcoholic, thinking it would be alright, we’d keep it under control. He was a “self-medicator” with some self-esteem issues. He was also a funny, sensitive, fun guy, until that guy was around less and less and the critical, angry, tortured guy was around more and more.

We were married for 7 years, until the last loss of job quickly followed by a DUI (I was the passenger), the beginnings of what I now know to be pancreatic disease, and the almost-full-time now “Mr. Hyde” routine became just too much. We separated the day after the worst Christmas of my life when he decided to go live with his parents and try to sober up. Two weeks later, the Sunday morning after the Saturday night we were supposed to “talk” but I called it off because he sounded drunk on the phone, I get a call from the ER. His parents are both out of town and he’s in ICU; he was found at 4 a.m. beside the wrecked car with a body temp. of 87 or something. They said he needed someone to be there. I said I had been drinking (I hadn’t) and couldn’t drive to the hospital. I just couldn’t do it.

I went to see him the next day, after his parents had returned, and to this day, right now, 5 years later, I am teary-eyed thinking about how he looked. He had smashed up his face and hip and re-broken the leg he had broken in a motorcycle accident when he was 18 and the reason he “self-medicated.” I knew there was no chance of our staying married at this point, whether he ever sobered up or not, and filed for divorce. I hope that doesn’t sound cold; there just weren’t any options left anymore.

Well, you think, surely that “hitting bottom” caused him to see the light and sober up? Nope. Time passed, he recovered from his injuries, lived with his parents with no job, no wife, no nothing at 35 years old. I know he struggled with trying to quit drinking but it was just too strong for him.

December 28, 1999, divorced for 1 1/2 years, I get a call from Father X at the Catholic Church his mom belonged to. His folks had gone out of town, he was supposed to have flown up later and met them, his sister who they were visiting told him don’t come unless you can be sober around my kids, they didn’t hear from him all day and called the neighbor, who went over and found him dead. 36 years old. Didn’t even make the millenium. The Priest said a “friend” of his had gone by the house that morning after the police had arrived and told the Priest he had brought over a bottle of vodka the night before. The autopsy report said “Pneumonia.” Draw your own conclusions.

AA never worked for him or me. Couldn’t get beyond that “higher power” thing.

VDarlin, I know you’ve heard it and that’s all you heard at that dippy support board, but think very very carefully before making a commitment to this man. Yes, people can recover (though they might retain the attitude, as mentioned by several above), but also they don’t. They try and try and fail and come back and leave and go and come and you are run through the wringer. I vowed never to live like that again. If my current husband started behaving like an alcoholic, he wouldn’t get very many chances to go on and fall off the wagon. Like one chance. That’s it. But if you read my (apologies, entirely too long) post, you’ll see that I’m a little prejudiced.