Coping with an alcoholic parent - advice?

In My Humble Opinion
1

This has been something I’ve been struggling with for a while.

I’m the child of a binge drinker. It’s painful because there are so many personalities stemming from the life of a binge drinker. A life that flits between coherent and sympathetic conversations, to defensive and resentful bluster. A set of parallel pathways that intersect during the course of our relationship means things look one way from afar, but feel very different up close – because years of happy times have become mixed up with so many moments of bitter resentment.

My mum is a jolly, kind woman. She’s always suffered from depression and is on a bunch of SSRIs - which don’t mix well with the alcohol.

6 years ago I severed most contact with mum. After university, I needed to get my feet on the ground, and all the drunken chatter wasn’t helping me do this. Actually, being estranged from her kind of helped me. A few months ago, however, I regained contact after my step-dad died - and last week I went down to visit her.

Last week, depicts a moment in my life, where a happy reunion after many years separation finally happened – and the resulting binge drinking session, like all of those that happened before, will have to be put towards building the scaffolds for a more successful future.

She doesn’t drink so much as you’d think - two or three bottles of wine, and a few chasers. Compared to the people who hide bottles and drink first thing, my mum is a moderate drinker. She’s never been violent or aggressive. However, as a kid, I do remember her drinking so much she became unresponsive. Or moments where she’d wander off into the night.

Seeing her last week, I reverted into a kid, desperately upset and nagging her not to drink. We left on bad terms - she’s furious with me for asking her not to drink under her own roof. Honestly, I don’t mind her drinking, just not binge drinking. Anyway, it’s hard, do you lot have any words of wisdom?

2

I suspect that you will get the same answer from most people: If she doesn’t *want *to stop, there is nothing whatsoever that you can do that will make her.

I can only suggest that you avoid confrontation by making your visits short and avoiding the evenings when she want’s to drink. It is possible that having you there, disapproving, makes her drink more than she otherwise would. So keep in touch with short daytime visits, email and phone.

3

Moderator Action

Since this is looking for advice, let’s move it to IMHO (from GQ).

4

Hard as it will be, you kind of need to accept, this is who she is, what she wants, and that she’s unlikely to change.

This is a very hard journey, wishing you Good Luck!

5

:eek: :eek: :eek:

I’m sorry, but that’s a huge amount of alcohol. That’s 40+ units of alcohol.

My thoughts are with you, and well done for raising the issue with her. Perhaps it will sink in sometime.

6

is two bottles of wine excessive? I don’t have anyone to be responsible for and my work is stressful as fuck, If I have an off day coming up I look forward to two bottles of wine.

If I need work the following day its maybe just one bottle.

Its hard to quantify if someone is drinking excessively by quantity. I kinda think it should be basedd on how it affects their life

7

Manila, yeah, fair point. Actually, it barely affects her day to day life. She’s inherited enough money from my step-dad to see through her life comfortable, and without hassle (aside from me, I suppose).

It’s just I’ve barely seen her get through a week without necking a few bottles. I guess my problem is with the consequences its having on our relationship, not alcohol.

Still, it’s not so easy to watch somebody sit and drink alone so frequently.

8

I have a significant history of alcoholism and drug addiction in my family, and I have found Al-Anon to be a lifesaver. I’ve learned some good coping skills that keep me from getting crazy over things I can’t control, including my alcoholic loved ones’ behavior. You can find a meeting at http://www.al-anon.org.

9

Absolutely. A bottle of wine is between 10-12 units of alcohol. It takes a healthy person approx 1 hour to process 1 unit of alcohol. So if you start drinking at 20:00 you’re still likely to be over the limit the next morning. And that’s assuming you’re healthy.

Also, the recommended weekly limit is 14 units, so she’s drinking more than a whole fortnight’s worth in a day.

Perhaps you should consider switching to tea or hot chocolate?

10

A second recommendation to at least check out an Al-Anon meeting or some of their literature.

Arguments over whether your mom is drinking too much are irrelevant. The only important measure is how much it affects your life and hers.

11

I’m not religious and the 12-steps seems fairly steeped in religious rhetoric. However, yes, I’ll try and talk to them.

12

Lots of Al-anon groups are functionally agnostic and pretty welcoming to atheists. Many members use the group as their ‘higher power’.

As long as the person is able to acknowledge that they are not God, such groups are quite accepting. And the support you can get from folks who know just how you feel is worth having to put up with an occasional member’s attributing their success to Jebus, IMHO.

YMMV.

13

Consciously emotionally distancing, while repeating “Can’t change other people, can only change myself” like a broken record worked for me. Supportive significant other with a similar family background helped. I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this- family is hard.

14

I openly identify as atheist and so far, no one of consequence has given me any problems about it.

As far as the steps are concerned, Steps 2 and 3 are about seeking out sources of help and becoming willing to ask them for help. Steps 6 and 7 are about accepting the need for change, and taking whatever action is needed to make those changes, whether it’s with a sponsor, a therapist, or whoever. No god is involved.

15

OP, I’ve been there w/ my dad. Peace and patience to you, it’s a hard place to be and you’ve already negotiated it once. This time will be harder since you understand it may be the end of the relationship as far as you’re concerned. That’s where the groups mentioned above would be helpful to give you specific tools that are akin to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. If you’re interested to do them on your own, you can find worksheets to do by Googling (I have some in .pdf form that I do on my own.)

The hardest realization for me was that whoever my dad would have been had he grown up and lived his adult life sober is a person I will never know, but could have if he’d ever choose to get help. Sadly, he’s perfectly fine w/ being the drunk his dad was till he was out of his mind; he’s told my brother and I that we have it easy w/ how much he drinks and that HE knows what it’s like to have a father who’s a **real **drunk. He has myelofibrosis right now and washes his chemo down w/ Busch Light.

16

My mother was a Jack Daniels and wine alcoholic. Functional for the most part and held down a responsible job but hit the wine from the time she got home until she passed out. It was a source of furious and unending conflict between us.

My uncle , also an alcoholic (and rear admiral) finally stepped in when I was 18 and told me to let it go and that I had no power in this situation. He said that speaking from direct experience you cannot nag or scream an alcoholic out of drinking.

That talk changed my life. I was still pissed that she was a drunk but this was now moderated by the knowledge that I had zero power over it. It was like trying to fight the wind so I bent my head and let it flow past me instead of strapping myself to the mast and cursing it. You will never win this battle. You need to compartmentalize her drinking into a disease she has that you will never fix and take the lucid moments as you find them.

17

Yeah I’m with **astro **and his uncle. You’re only going to upset yourself by trying to nag the alcoholic about it. And at a certain point they get to an age where it’s like…well, instead of just screaming when we get together, let’s just have peace while you drink yourself away.

My dad is in pain from spine and neck deterioration so he’s also on lots of pain pills along with the drinking. There’s only so many hours in the day where he’s really worth talking to. I see him during those hours and go home once the scales have tipped.

I also don’t count on him to help me with my house anymore. I don’t count on him to remember any conversation we have. I don’t count on him to be willing to go out anywhere or do anything. And when he can do any of those things it’s very nice and a good surprise.

Definitely get the help YOU need, and put anything out of your mind that involves having your mother change.

18

I’m going to skip talking about the alcohol and talk about the bolded part.

It is a challenge for any parent and child to make the transition to having a relationship as two adults with a shared history. Both the parent and the child need to change their idea of what the relationship looks like.

I know an old woman who has zero issues with drink or depression. As oldsters go she’s very together. But she simply cannot treat her adult daughters as anything but 6 year-olds. She hands out orders, assumes her wisdom is infinite while the kids (successful career women in their late 50s) are immature clueless children, etc. Provides lots of unsolicited and unwelcome advice about clothes, hair, appearance, child rearing, relationships, etc. The daughters have silly opinions; Mom has facts.

As to other adults she’s perfectly reasonable and easy to get along with. As to her kids she’s impossible.

The outcome on her kids is simple: One has tuned Mom out of her life completely. The other one soldiers on gamely, then unwittingly and unwillingly turns into a child in Mom’s presence. Then hates herself for her weakness when she gets away from Mom then has a migraine day from the stress. She tries to minimize dealing with Mom, but when it happens it’s always a crisis.
You have a Mom who may or may not match the Mom in my story. But she might; at least in terms of the impact on you if not in the details of how or why.

Think about it. If being around her makes you revert to a child for whatever reason you’re going to experience massive stress every time you deal with her. Lots of awful memories of awful times as a child will be brought up and refreshed in your head on every visit. That’s painful. Real painful.

Think hard, and perhaps read a bit, on how adults can handle difficult parents. Again having nothing whatever to do with alcohol.
Switching to the alcohol. …

I’m no teetotalling bluenose. But anybody in their 50s or later who’s drinking much over 2 drinks per night or 6 total a week is IMO doing real identifiable damage. As the others have said, your Mum has left any reasonable standard well behind.

You may have to tell her to choose: either you visit on non-drinking nights or you don’t visit at all. If indeed seeing her drink really triggers the stress and child reversion in you. Which would be a very, very natural thing for it to do to you.

She can decide whether the bottle’s more important than seeing her kid today. You’re *not *going to change or limit her alcoholism; don’t try. You *might *be able to get a sober afternoon or two out of her now and again. Be thankful for that if you do. And stick to your guns. She pulls out the booze; you grab your coat & go.

Meantime you’re not under any obligation to hurt yourself for the sake of trying to have a pleasant conversation with someone who’s already drunk when you walk in sober.

I have no experience or opinion about the various support groups for children of alcoholics. Others above have certainly given you plenty to think about.

19

Thanks for all of the above - it’s certainly something to think about.

Your friend who treats her adult children like toddlers is a fairly accurate parallel - and works both ways. The fall-out to this dilemma obviously resulted in my clinging to labels I had unconsciously created for myself; ending in my accepting any communication with mum, with the mindset of a child, something that’s very easy to revert back to.

It’s a lot of alcohol, but pragmatism doesn’t work - you can’t dish out ultimatums to drinkers. Do this, or this will happen, isn’t a viable framework. Things change too much for that.

Myelofibrosis. Yes. She’s in a bit of pain on a daily basis - this is new, and happened after the binge drinking started, but pain is as good a reason to drink as any other.

I’m curious as to the lay of the land. Drinking is such a big problem, but I’d never deny somebody’s right to drink as much as they want - my mum included. Challenging somebody’s drinking feels like such an indignity, like challenging somebody’s free will.
That’s the problem for me, I don’t want to deny my mum anything, but - as you say - it’s better to let it flow past.

20

Pain is a crappy reason to drink. As analgesics go booze has low efficacy and high side effects. Especially if she gets care under NHS there ought to be a better way.

Agree one can’t change an alcoholic’s addiction by ultimata. I’m talking about changing a bit of her behavior occasionally. Not for her sake, but for yours.

Adults can reach successful agreements on any topic. My Mom was an ardent follower of right wing radio. One could argue she was addicted to the rage and anger & prophesies of doom. I’m an optimistic thoughtful Progressive. We agreed to simply never talk politics or current events. Was that an imposition on each other’s freedom? Sure. Did it leave a huge conversational hole versus what each of us normally thought about and talked about with other people? Sure.

But it was the price we collectively chose to pay to have a real relationship. Did we each slip at times? Sure. Was it worth it? You bet it was. Was I willing to have any significant interaction with her absent that agreement? No f***ing way; the continuous mindless spew of hate she’d otherwise regurgitate was flat intolerable to me. But behind all that acquired nastiness was a genuinely good person who mattered a lot to me. I’m glad we both took the effort to make it work while we could.
This sentence: “Challenging somebody’s drinking feels like such an indignity, like challenging somebody’s free will.” gives me a cold feeling. To me it implies that deep down inside you consider drinking to be a fairly fundamental part of human life. IOW, it’s up there with breathing and walking, not down there with preferred flavor of ice cream. That’s not an uncommon result of growing up under an alcoholic.

But it’s very wrong thinking. It’s too late for her. But that attitude is also one of the big stepping stones towards alcoholism for yourself. It connects directly to manila’s point above that you readily and heartily agreed with: “I work hard, I *deserve *to get drunk, and nobody can deny me this.” The next step in the chain is “Quit nagging me about my drinking; I know what I’m doing.” The next step is being your Mum all over again.

To be sure the steps aren’t inevitable. But you’ve definitely got some of her genetics and apparently some of her habits of thinking. Be careful. For your sake, not for hers.