My dad has a problem. He has always been a drinker and I’ve gone around and around with him about that before with no change in his behavior. I’ve finally acknowledged that it is his issue, not mine, and that I don’t control his choices. My mom drinks too, though not like my dad, and recently tried to force my brother to fight a DUI conviction that he was guilty of because she didn’t think he should have to deal with the consequences of driving drunk. Alcohol abuse runs rampant in my family and I am the only one who chooses to abstain from it. These are some of the many reasons I limit my contact with my family to phone conversations and one visit every 18 months or so and when we do visit I make them come to us instead of us going to them so that we don’t have to rely on them for transportation (My husband and I live in a different state so traveling to see my family involves some of us flying in one direction or another.)
At this point though the alcohol, while a big problem, isn’t the problem I’m talking about. He recently confessed to me that he is under a lot of stress and has turned to weed to deal with it. He already smokes cigarettes at least a pack a day so smoking marijuana on top of that is really doing a number on his lungs. He says he keeps trying to quit but my brother smokes pot like it is his profession and has it around the house and smokes in his room and in their yard multiple times a day so it is hard to give up something that wafts through his living area every couple of hours. He seems sincere about his desire to quit, not just because it is causing him to have a hacking cough but because he feels like pot is making him care less about his life. He owns his own business and hasn’t been pursuing job leads or following up with customers the way he should because he spends so much time stoned in his living room and he knows now that it is impacting his work he can’t keep living this way. I did a little research for him and found some narc-anon groups in his area and a couple of therapists that might help but I am hesitant to send the list to him because I don’t know how offended he might be at his daughter telling him how to live his life, especially since we’ve been down a similar road before with the alcohol and he blew off my opinion as nonsense because “he is much older and wiser” and “I’m too young to understand”, etc.
Right now I am about 7 weeks away from giving birth and my daughter will be the first grandchild on both sides of her family. My husband and I had already talked about it and we decided that the baby will never be left alone with my family before my dad ever mentioned smoking weed. Now that this is in the picture too we are seriously talking about how much we want to limit contact between the baby and my family, but at the same time my husband’s extended family is close to non-existent. His mother lives nearby but she is 14 years older than my parents and is staring down the barrel at alzheimers in the next 5-10 years and his aunt is also significantly older than my family and that is pretty much it for relatives on his side (except his sister and her husband, but they are in the foreign service and live in third world countries for years at a time so we don’t see very much of them.) His family being so much older (already in their late 60’s) means that the odds of them dying while my daughter is young are pretty high, so if his 2 family members die and we don’t see my family because of the addiction issues my daughter will grow up with no concept of extended family.
I thought about printing off the list of places my parents can get some help and mailing it to them along with a sonogram picture of their impending granddaughter and a note that says, “You can’t bounce a grandbaby on your knee from the hospital or a jail cell…here are some places that might be able to help” but I don’t know if that would be motivation to quit or if it would just seem like the world’s biggest guilt trip. I’d like for my family to get their addiction issues under control so that they can have a real relationship with my daughter but at the same time I know I can’t make them quit or make this decision for them. I’d like to offer concern and support without coming across as condescending and I don’t know where that line is and how to avoid crossing it. Do you think sending this information (sonogram picture or otherwise) to my parents would be helpful or offensive?
I wouldn’t send the picture–it’s a little over the top. I’d just make it clear that if they want to see their granddaughter, there will be no drinking, smoking or pot while they are visiting–not just going outside to smoke or only drinking in another room, but none at all for the whole visit, or at least the part where they are under your roof. Say 'I can’t have these behaviors around my daughter", not “I can’t have bad people around my daughter, so you have to stop being bad people”. This avoids triggering defensiveness.
Well, that’s a tough row to hoe. If I understand the situation correctly, you’ve got family members on your side who should not only not be alone with the baby but, you fear, should not be with the baby at all unless they clean up their collective act. Then you’ve got in-laws who should not be alone with the baby but could spend time with the infant if someone responsible is around. You are concerned about a) your child’s welfare b) your family’s welfare c) your in-laws’ welfare d) not offending your family and e) giving your child an extended family. Do I have that right?
First, you need to recognize that you have assumed the role of caretaker, of making sure everyone is OK. This is not healthy. I speak from personal experience. As you know, you can’t force your family to change. The sonogram-plus-note idea sounds powerful but realistically, will it change anything? I would just be blunt (but diplomatic–we nurturing types live by diplomacy) and tell them that much as you love them, they will be able to spend time with the baby only after they have become clean and sober. Make sure this is a boundary you really want and will enforce. If you and your husband are both present, would you still be unwilling to let your dad near the baby?
So what if they feel guilty or uncomfortable! I know you love them, you’re not doing them any favors by tiptoeing around their feelings. Your only real responsibility is to provide your child with a solid, loving, healthy nuclear family; anything beyond that is gravy. Your kids’ relatives are what they are. If he has good parents, he’ll be fine without a boatload of aunts, uncles, and grandparents.
You can’t force them to change. They are aware there is help out there if they want it.
It sucks. I grew up with an alcoholic father and it just seemed so obvious, from my perspective, that he just needed to realize he was an alcoholic and zing! he’d suddenly change. But that isn’t the way these things work.
I don’t have any advice about the baby matters. Good luck.
Since your father expressed an interest to you in quitting smoking pot then send the list of the groups to him. Make sure you attach an informal note reminding him that he mentioned it to you in case he forgot “Hey, Dad, here are some places that might help you with what we talked about”.
Do not send the sonogram picture or the note about not being able to bounce the baby in prison. That goes a little too far. If, once the baby is born, their addiction is impacting visits with your family then you can say something like “We would like to visit more but we’re not comfortable with . . .”
The old, old adage: you can’t MAKE anyone do what you want them to. You can only control how you react to it.
Hard fact and then just let it all go. You have your own child to focus upon now. Always love your family, but accept that they are flawed. If they come to you for help, give it freely, but other than that, concentrate on your own life.
This is EXTREMLY difficult and painful, but best for you in the long run.
And quite honestly, as your daughter grows older, she’ll understand more than you dream possible. Just teach her the love and respect, without judgment and condemnation. You can still love someone without approving their choices.
~VOW
And your rule should be: You don’t see your grandkid until you are clean and sober. The ball is now in your court. You chose to be a drunk and a drug addict; when you choose to stop being one, you can see your grandkid.
I would agree with this with a change to #3 - We will not visit you because there is too much drinking and weed-smoking in your house. I wouldn’t use a child as an excuse to tell other people what to do in their own house, but I would tell them what I am or am not willing to do in response to what they’re doing.
IMHO, I wouldn’t hold the baby ransom. Just keep the visits brief. Like I said, kids are incredibly observant and they can figure out more than you realize.
You want your child to be compassionate…after all, she will decide what nursing home you go to!
~VOW
My in-laws I’m not worried about. They are cool people and very responsible, I only mentioned them because the age difference is such that they probably aren’t going to be around for too much longer and when they pass on if my family hasn’t cleaned themselves up my daughter will have literally no extended family. I know that technically she would be fine without having a regular grandparent or aunt or uncle in her life but there are moments where it will be uncomfortable for her. Kids get asked to write family trees or essays about family during school and I don’t want for her to have to explain to her teacher that all her dad’s relatives are dead or living in Bangladesh and she can’t remember meeting her mom’s family, you know?
As far as not offending my family goes I’m not tons of concerned about that, I just feel like my dad issued a cry for help by telling me he has a problem and he wants to deal with it and feels like he can’t. I want to try and help him if he really wants the help but I know if I don’t push hard enough he could brush the assistance to the side and if I push too hard he might be really offended by the attempt. We’ve already decided that when the issue comes up they will be told in no uncertain terms that they have to visit us instead of the other way around and they aren’t going to be alone with the baby and why so they will probably be pretty hurt by that but I’d rather hurt them than have them hurt the baby so it isn’t something we can be coy about.
Sometimes a guilt trip is exactly what is needed. Your father sounds like he knows he has a problem, but lacks the motivation to do something about it. Perhaps some tugging at his heartstrings will give him that motivation.
I’d send it minus the picture, with a note along the lines of “since you mentioned you’re trying to quit, I thought you might like to have this list of resources I found in your area which may be able to help”. He did mention it, after all.
I know this is off track but I just have to say that assuming your in-laws won’t “be around for too much longer” because they’re in their late 60s could be very inaccurate. My grandmother lived to be 96, my mom to 86 and I am already 65 and hopeful of a few more good years to say the least! Don’t write off those “late 60’s” folks!
I’m probably way out of my league dealing with such big issues as this, but I tend to agree with Clothahump. One small amendment: I don’t think someone can simply “choose” to stop being an addict, but they can choose whether to seek treatment, and they can choose (to some degree) whether they are going to be serious about accepting the treatment.
But whatever course the OP decides on, it should be carried out. If it is no grand-parental visits until they seek treatment, don’t budge on that just because its Christmas. If it is no visits if there is alcohol in the house, then leave even if there is just one beer in the fridge.
That’s ridiculous as for as smoking tobacco is concerned. It is not reasonable to expect a heavy smoker to go without for days at a time, and hold his granddaughter hostage by so doing. Smoking outside is reasonable under the circumstances. I have no problem with forbidding marijuana and/or alcohol, but tobacco is not an intoxicating substance. No one will be harmed if Grandpa steps outside for a smoke now and again.
The tobacco doesn’t bother me. They can smoke outside or use the e-cigarettes that they have and that is fine. It is the rest of the stuff that is problematic.
The marijuana should take care of itself…surely they are smart enough to not attempt to smuggle it through an airport? That leaves the drinking, and given the history there, I see no problem with you imposing a moratorium on alcohol for the duration of the visit.
AA and NA might be good for them, but NarcaAnon and AlAnon might be good for you. AlAnon helped me when I had to figure out what to do about my then-boyfriend falling off the wagon. (He chose to stay drunk, I chose to move on.)
Best wishes for a healthy resolution to this situation.