My psycho ex-monster-in law (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My son’s father and I have been divorced for several years. We aren’t the best of friends but we keep it cordial enough to communicate about my son and discuss any progress or problems involving him.

Last week I had to call my ex and inform him that our son (12 years old) was caught at school with a pack of cigerettes, resulting in a three day suspension. He was understandably upset and told my son he would deal with him on his next weekend visit.

On Friday I went to work, leaving my son in the care of my mother since he was staying home from school. That afternoon my son called me at work in hysterics. My ex mother-in-law, had called him and told him she was so distraught over this that she had scratched her face up and been up all night crying. She then tells him she is going to get him into a church and make him join a youth group.

WTF??? He wasn’t caught smoking crack or robbing a liquor store. I understand he did a stupid thing but if this incident was enough to make her scratch her face up and cry all night then I’m thinking she is the one who needs to join a group, and not of the religious variety.

My son is now terrified of “Nanna”. All she succeeded in doing was making him feel like shit, and he is now convinced that he will be taken away from me.

I have calmly explained to him that I am his legal guardian which means no one can make him join anything without my permission, and that to be taken away from me I would have to be doing drugs or keep an unfit home etc.

She called me yesterday and told me everything she told him on the phone that day. I have always taken her batshit hyperbole with a grain of salt but she crossed the line this time and my maternal claws came out.

She says he needs to go to church so he can hang out with “better” kids. Um…okay whatever lady. In the fifteen years I’ve known her I have never seen her attend church. I have however known many people that do and believe me it doesn’t make them “better” people. I told her that religion is a personal and private choice and no one would be forcing it on my son. As for telling him she scratched her face up over this I couldn’t begin to make her see how mentally abusive that was so I didn’t even try.

Later she calls back and talks to my son. He hangs up and says to me (with a huge :rolleyes: ) that she wants him to come over so she can take him shopping to get me a teddy bear for Valentines day.

He is wary of going to see her alone and I don’t blame him. She hasn’t given me a gift for any occasion since the divorce and suddenly I’m getting a Valentine’s present?

He did a dumb thing, just like millions of kids around the world have done since the dawn of time. You punish him, hope learns a lesson and move on. I did dumb things as a kid (smoking being one of them) and his father definetly was no angel. We both survived and became decent productive people. His father does have an alchohol problem for which he went through treatment a couple of years ago, but he isn’t a bad person.

This woman has always been off her nut. I could write a book but you’ll just have to take my word and this post as evidence.

Thank you, crazy lady, for blaming my child for clawing your face up. And thank you for making him afraid to stay alone for five minutes while I run to the store for fear of being abducted and placed in some wacky cult of perfect children.

2

I think that many parents have difficulties doing what is right for their kids where their parents are involved. If being around a mentally abusive in-law is bad for your kid, then give him the option of not going. If your ex objects, remind him that his obligation is to do what is best for his son, not his mother.

We have a similar situation with a very fucked up grandparent. She still seems to be interacting with our daughter in a positive way, but has shown signs of slipping into the dark side. We have made it clear to her that as long as she is a positive influence, she will have access to her grandchild, but if we feel she is not, then we have no problems putting our daughter’s interests ahead of hers.

3

I have given him the option. I won’t forbid her from ever seeing her grandchild but I won’t force him to go during a volitile uncomfortable time. I have not spoke to his father yet about what his mom has done. He works very long and strange shifts and lives in another town.

I know she thinks in her own strange delusional way that when you love and care about your family that this is how you react, but she’ll have to learn that when she gets this way she’s doing no one any good, especially her grandchild.

It’s telling him about the clawing of her face that galls me more than anything. If it’s true then she seriously needs some professional help. If it’s not then she needs to be smacked for being such a manipulative liar.

4

Tell her to put the cuckoo back in the clock and that he won’t be visiting for a while. That’s way too bizarre. If she wants to visit him on your turf in a few weeks, that might be an option if the gets her shit togeter.

5

I expect this thread to generate more advice and sympathy than name-calling and f-words, so I’m moving it to MPSIMS.

6

Aw man! I was just about to call the old witch a fucking psycho nutjob! Guess I’ll hold off.

7

I remember shortly after my divorce from my kids’ dad, his father was visiting helping him clean his stuff out of the house, and was unbelievably nasty to me to my face. I then pulled my ex aside and informed him in no uncertain terms that the very first time I heard that his dad had been running me down in front of my kids, that would be the last time he saw them for a long, long time. My ex tried to protest that he wouldn’t do that, and I just reminded him to look back at the way his parents had behaved after their divorce. He paused, said, “Point taken,” and that was the last time my ex-inlaws were uncivil to me. (Well, except for the bitch ex-FIL married a few years later, but she hated everybody.)

You have every right to prevent your ex-MIL from seeing your son if you don’t believe her behavior is appropriate. You also have every right to prevent her from speaking to him on the phone when you’re not around to ensure that she’s not upsetting him. I suggest you make a written list of rules/expectations and give it to your ex to present to his mother, with a written list of consesquences as well.

Ultimately, both you and he are responsible to your son, not his mother. Keeping children away from grandparents who are abusive is, unfortunately, not unusual, but often necessary.

8

Crazy in-law problems aside if I had * a 12 year old * running around with a pack of cigarettes I think my level of concern would be pretty high beyond just the suspension the school is handing out. You’re right tha it’s not dealing crack, and if you’re a smoker or ex-smoker I can see how you’d think it was not that big a deal, but a 12 year old with a pack of smokes definitely pegs the warning lights of my WTF!? meter into the red zone.

Nana may drama queen nuts, but if the crowd he’s running with sees a pack of Parliaments as a useful school accessory the point about taking a long, hard look at who he’s associating with might not be a bad idea.

9

He is being punished for the cigarettes. I just don’t believe in punishing him by self-mutilation and then blaming him for it. Nor do I think church or religion is a cure-all. And if it was that’s for me to decide, not his grandmother.

The act that brought all this on is a seperate issue that I can deal with, the OP was strictly about the fallout from his grandmother.

10

Jeez…hysterical much? Every smoker I know started when they were around 12 years old. Even the doctors and CEOs. Your meter needs to take a pill.

11

Kalhoun, I think that was his point. Can’t the parents get into serious trouble if their child is found to be a smoker? Didn’t they make laws (in some areas at least) that would punish the parents for that? (I may be WAY off base with that, I honestly don’t know for sure if it’s true.) I know they are being notably harder on underage smokers at the least, so it is cause for concern. He could get in legal trouble.

12

I suppose if the parent was supplying the child with cigarettes and permitting them to smoke there could be some ramifications. Thats not an issue in this case though. I buy them as needed and don’t have any extra’s laying around. The brand they found on him was not mine, and even if he had money to buy them there’s no way he looks anywhere close enough to the age requirement. He got them from another kid at school. That was his story and the other kid confirmed it.

A few people upthread seem to think that because I’m upset about how my exMIL handled this that I don’t think his offense is a big deal. That is not true at all. I know what it’s like to be enslaved to nicotine, and never want that to happen to him. We’ve talked about it and he is dealing with the consequences of his actions. It just would have been nice to be able to deal with this without the added stress of his grandmothers hyperbole.

13

I can see you are very upset Stillwell Angel, and I don’t doubt that you are taking it very seriously, (nor do I doubt that you are a good parent) I was pointing out to another poster that there was good reason to do so is all. I hope you find a way to work through this problem. On the bright side, maybe this will help him learn the best ways to deal with flakes? :frowning:

14

No, I don’t think so. It’s illegal to sell them to children, but I’ve never seen a parent punished because their child smoked. I know of no law that says it’s illegal for kids to smoke. It’s illegal for merchants to sell them to kids, but that’s the only restriction I’ve ever seen.

I did hear of a court case where a disgruntled ex got a judge to say that the other parent couldn’t smoke around the children, but that is very rare as I understand it.

15

Well…I just called the cop shop in my little town. It is indeed illegal for a kid to smoke. They can be summoned to appear in court and their parent (because they’re a minor) would have to appear with them. No ruling on if the judge has the right (or the inclination) to punish the parent.

I still say this particular point is much ado about nothing. I see kids smoking openly all the time. They make no effort to hide it from anyone. I believe a responsible judge would never hold a parent responsible for a kid smoking.

16

You inadvertently answered why it IS a big deal. The stats on the detriments of smoking are well documented and very damning. If you asked any older person who smoked, I’d bet the vast majority of them would have wished they never started.

17

The issue here isn’t the son smoking, it’s the interferring ex-mother-in-law.

Such a horrible situation to be in, for both you and your son.

I had a psycho grandmother and I hated every minute that I had to spend in her presence. I was too young to understand that she was a bit crazy and I just felt really bad and shameful the whole time I was around her. i can’t explain why I felt shame, but it’s the strongest emotional memory I have of her. Thankfully my parents were equally of the opinion that she was batshit crazy and we spent minimal time with her.

I think giving your son the option to not go see her is completely the right thing to do, and I’d be completely limited her contact with him and definately only supervised if I were you.

I also think that, at age 12, your son is old enough to comprehend that ‘grandma is a bit doolally’ and to not take anything she says to heart.

18

True, but I don’t think that’s a reason to attack the OP.

19

Thanks to those who understand I’m just here to vent about the ex-MIL.

I don’t condone what my son did, but I can’t fathom that it is upsetting enough to claw my face. Let alone tell him about it later. As a parent I know you can sometimes use guilt to your advantage, but that was over the top.

He’s a great kid. Bright and funny as all get out, but it’s his first year in middle school and he is trying to be cool. I can’t say I didn’t do the same thing. I was just smart enough not to get caught (at least not that soon). Hopefully he won’t become a lifelong smoker, but all I can do is try and set him straight. My mother never smoked, and was real disappointed when she found out I did. However she also knew I was a good student, I never got into any trouble, and I worked hard to get where I wanted to be. She simply told me how she felt and left it to me from there on out. Ultimately kids make their own choices whether we like it or not, whether it’s in our face or behind our backs.

He is spending today and tomorrow with his dad while he’s on his suspension from school. He was pretty worried what dad was going to do to him but I spoke to him on the phone tonight and he was still breathing so I guess he survived.

I think he will walk the straight and narrow for awhile, if for no other reason than to prevent this kind of drama from repeating itself.

20

I smoke. I’m a productive person, I walk upright, and yes…I wish I never started. The OP isn’t going to jail because the kid smokes.