Advice requested on a delicate matter involving "exfamily".

In My Humble Opinion
1

I am honestly asking for opinions here. I will try to give all the information up front. If you have issues with the person I married, please take it to the pit, it happened a dozen years ago, and I got a wonderful child out of the deal. I moved on, please do the same.

So my mother in law (well ex husband’s mother) is having a big celebration this year, a joint birthday party with her “boyfriend”, as it is a milestone birthday for each of them. The two will never marry, but they have been together over 15 years and in addition to it being a birthday, it almost takes on the overtones of a wedding.

I am invited, my son her only grandson is invited. My current partner is invited. Family from Europe (both his and her’s ) are invited. Of course my exhusband is also invited.

A little history. I haven’t seen my ex husband since 2004, just before my son turned 6 months old. My son of course does not remember his dad. I have a common law partner that loves my son, and is polite and cordial with my mother in law. We had a wonderful Christmas here in Vancouver with her this year. (A consideration of moving to Vancouver was my son’s ability to get to know his Grandmother. We visited at least yearly over the 8 years we lived out east, and talk on the phone. She considers me the daughter she never had. Of course my ex may be in the province, he may not be, he lives at no fixed address much of the time, and my mother in law hears from him every few years. He has had the ability to know where I am all this time, and he has never asked her, or contacted me. He knows my email, it hasn’t changed.)

My ex husband is an alcoholic and is prone to making large screaming scenes in public. When we were together it mostly only happened when we had events at his Mother’s place, but we did lose some friends over him taking something the wrong way and causing a scene that involved police. Two days after we broke up he showed up at my parents place and pulled down his pants and screamed and swore until I came out and talked to him (Yes, I know in retrospect I should have called the police, but that was then, this is now.)

On the other hand, my ex’s brother gets along beautifully with his ex, is involved with his daughter, and they have a nice happy family. My mother in law has this vision of the same thing happening with me and my ex, but the temperament is different. Also, the brother actually has been in his daughter’s life all along, not absent for 9 years.

So this beautiful event, planned at a country club this June. Not going would hurt the mother in law, (whom I wouldn’t hurt for the world). But if we go and the ex goes there is potential for a scene. I give it about even odds that he will even attend. If we don’t go and he shows up there may still be a scene, he still harbours huge resentments about his mother divorcing his father (who is dead now–died 10 years ago) 20 years ago.

I want to go. It is important to my mother in law, my son can meet relatives from Europe he would not otherwise meet, and its just the right thing to do. But going somewhere if there is a possibility our presence will make a scene is unfathomable. My husband and I talked for hours about this last night, we see the case either way for attending, not attending, me and my son going with out him, him coming. My son is 9 so sending him alone is out of the question.

I know there is no one right answer, it is more the discussion and points that others may have that interest me. What say the dopers?

2

I think you should go.

The ex’s behavior is on him, not you. If you’re as tight with that family as you describe, your mere presence will delight them.

You say there are brothers of some sort involved? Can they be counted on to physically remove the ex if he causes a scene?

3

Go. If he shows up and there’s a scene, leave quickly and quietly. Everyone will understand.

4

I think that all three of your immediate family should go.

I also think that if you are on speaking terms with any of your ex’s siblings, you should call them, and ask if they would mind being a little proactive about their sibling’s temper difficulties by assigning a few of the larger male guests to act as “bouncers” for him should he decide to throw a hissy.

Four large guys should be able to manage it - ex starts getting steamy, they all walk over, throw friendly arms about his shoulders, and escort him elsewhere until he can be rational again and rejoin the party. If he can’t become rational and rejoin the party, then one of the four guys can call the police from wherever they have escorted him off to, and the EX doesn’t get to be at the party.

***This isn’t your problem. ***You should not pussyfoot around and avoid doing things that you want to do (and that would make others happy) simply because someone else can’t control themselves in public like a normal human being. Why should you not go? Why should you leave early? He’s the one with the problem - let ***him ***suffer the consequences.

5

Go. The only thing holding you back is that your ex may or may not be there and may or may not cause a scene if he is. Go, expect to have a lovely time with people you are connected to and enjoy, and have a calm backup plan for what to do IF the ex shows up and IF he tries to start something.

6

There is one brother, who is strong and fit, but about 6 inches shorter than the ex. My husband is about 5 inches shorter. (ex is tall lanky wiry and strong, but not athletic or coordinated). I don’t know anyone else who would be there to help.

Thanks for the replies. I don’t want to miss something like this which will be nice, and important to my mother in law, but I don’t want to embarrass her, nor have my son “meet” his father if he is drunk, screaming, or exposing himself.

7

Bingo. Never let someone else’s bad behavior, shitty life, or mistakes dictate your life to you.

Do what you want to do. The feelings of your MIL who you care about are more important than the feelings of your ex-husband, whom, presumably, you don’t necessarily care about.

8

I vote for this.

9

This is, word for word, what I was going to post.

10

All three of you should go. You have an ongoing relationship with these people and should be there to celebrate their milestones. It will make you happy and them happy.

Go and enjoy yourselves. You’re figuring a 50% chance he won’t even show up. Even if he does, he may behave himself. So don’t freak yourself out worrying over his behavior. His behavior is not your problem, it’s his.

Talk to his brother and your husband. See if they feel like they could handle him if he shows up and gets unruly. If so, then there ya go.

If not, then find another option. How much would a private security guy cost? Check your local bars for their best bouncer - someone with practice who knows how to handle drunks could probably whisk him out quietly and quickly.

Don’t be afraid to call the cops if needed. Discreetly, of course. But IF he decides to show up and create a scene - that’s his decision. The consequences of poor decision-making should be his as well. He shouldn’t be allowed to spoil everyone else’s day.

ETA: If your leaving would resolve the problem, that’s also a good option. IME, drunks are often not that reasonable, but YMMV.

11

I am sorry that you are in such a difficult and stressful situation. My gut reaction is that you should go, because your MIL is the one who is responsible for the party dynamic and she made the conscious decision to invite you both, she wants you there, and you want to go. However, the kid throws a wrench in it. This is the first time he would be meeting his father, if I’m understanding this correctly. Or would you not tell your son that his father is at the party? That sounds like it might be the best course of action, but given that the father sounds kind of unpredictable, he might take it upon himself to share that information with your son. How would you handle that?

Then again, aren’t the chances quite slim that he’d even show up? If he’s gone to such lengths to avoid you and his child for the past 9 years, and if he resents his mother so much that he only talks to her every few years, why might he want to see you all now? How did his mother get ahold of him to invite him if they speak that infrequently? What’s changed recently?

12

Is there a possibility of everyone chipping in for a off-duty police detail?

13

I completely agree with Lasciel. Let uncle Beefcake and cousin works-out-a-lot remove him if he makes a big deal, and let the cops handle him after that.

However unlikely, he may have sobered up and be cordial. He may show up drunk and just fall asleep in a corner. He may get the cops called on him. He may not show up at all.

But if you don’t go, you miss you, and your son misses you. I’d go. Just have a contingency plan.

14

Apparently he is living in the city I am in. I am his “friend” on facebook, which he never uses. He has my email. He hasn’t tried to contact me. He did, apparently ask his mother’s help to move to Vancouver last autumn when moved from Vancouver Island. She refused.

15

I actually only half-vote for it. The half I vote for is going. If the ex-husband shows and makes a scene, the OP should not leave. Instead, the police should be summoned and the ex should be arrested.

To the OP: you and your family simply cannot go on living in fear of your ex’s materializing at inopportune times. Nor should your ex necessarily be cut out of his family’s life.

However, scenes are not to be tolerated, but when they occur, the party that needs to bear the consequences is the one making the scene. Your ex seems resistant to learning, so it is appropriate to up the severity of the consequences. One way or another, he needs to learn that he’s not calling the shots, and that his life can be made as unpleasant as is necessary to ensure his good behavior.

16

Isn’t there enough real stuff in your life?

17

What do you mean by that? I am a mom, a nurse, I have a husband and family, I have good relationships with my own family and my ex mother in law. I have hobbies, and interests. I have friends. In the years since I left my ex husband I bought a house as a single mom, raised a son on my own for 4 years and have a very full life. Last year I moved across the country to embrace a new opportunity in my field, knowing full well that geography might put me and the ex in contact, however in 12 months he has chosen not to get in contact. I do not live in fear.

Seeking advice on one event one Saturday later this spring in no way takes away from this.

18

Go -

As stated so well, so often - the ex’s problems are his, not yours.

And don’t country clubs have security types around such occasions?

19

I haven’t seen anybody mention this… from the OP, your son looks to be about nine. Does he know what it means when somebody gets drunk and does the kind of things his biodad does? Does he know his biodad did these things, or has this been kept under the table? If he’s not sure what this all means, he really needs to know before you go to the party; it would be sad to have to leave because the guy’s having a raving drunken episode, but it would be tragic if your son wasn’t at least a little prepared for it.

20

This is what I would do.