Ethilrist, this is my greatest fear. Son knows that he has a biodad, and we broke up because “We were very different people and we used to fight too much, and he made me cry.” I haven’t shared anything about the scenes or police, because I try not to talk too negatively about my ex to my son. It does mean I don’t talk about him much, but I just have never liked the idea of filling a child’s head with your own issues and perceptions about an ex. My son , who is nine, does have a curiosity to meet his “real dad” but I have responded to that by saying “I don’t know where he lives.” These always feel like inadequate answers but they are all I have.
Protecting my son is my main reason for considering skipping the event, secondary is hurting my mother in law’s feelings, although the OP may have highlighted the second reason because I do care for the woman.
I vote for going, and having a contingency plan to calm/contain your ex if he makes a scene. You will not embarrass your mother-in-law. It’s up to your ex if he chooses to create a situation in which he would embarrass himself, but if your relationship with your MIL is a good one, you needn’t feel embarrassed by something that isn’t your fault.
You, your husband and ex inlaws are all adults, you can deal with the ex showing up. I do have to ask how you have dealt with son in regards to his father. Being that you have been a single mother and your son obviously knows your husband is not his biological father, how have you explained his absence and choices in life to your son?
I know that friends who have been in this type of situation have had to explain when their child asks why their dad isn’t around or isn’t interested in seeing them. Their approach has been that the father is human like everyone else and makes decisions in life that don’t always work out. They did this to avoid exactly what you have mentioned, not wanting to bad-mouth the ex, but knowing that kids do fall into feeling responsible for their dad not being in their life. Depending on the age of the child, it is better than explaining that he is a drunk, or selfish or just unable to cope with life.
If you have always been honest about his dad then he will not be expecting a white knight to show up and be wonderful and he may have a better understanding if, as you fear, he shows up drunk and trying to rile everyone up.
I wish you luck and congratulations on keeping the ex’s family in your son’s life.
I didn’t mention above, but my vote is to go. And, good on you for going to this effort to make sure your son (and you, for that matter) stays in touch with his dad’s side of the family; they all seem to be well worth the effort.
I’m another vote for “go.” You and your current husband are on good terms your MIL and you both undoubtedly want to wish her well, and your child gets to see Grandma again.
Trust me on this: Country club personnel have worked many events where family members have animosity towards each other, and they have seen many belligerent drunks at family celebrations before. They will call police if they feel it is necessary; and while they don’t typically want to, they won’t hesitate to if they feel police are needed. However, they do not want the club to be put in a bad light, which is what fights in the party room or the parking lot, requiring police, would bring. So it is entirely possible that they may have a couple of big guys in reserve if they feel things are getting out of hand.
Mona Lisa, sorry to say, I’ve had experience at a country club family celebration which a belligerent drunk relative nearly managed to ruin. Club staff handled it professionally. PM me for details, if you wish.
Also don’t worry about your son too much should the worst case drunken dad scene happen. So far he has grown up with a system of caring adults working together regardless of the marital status of all involved. Should he see a big steaming wad of drunken animosity, your son should be well equipped to recognize the good from the bad, and at his age is likely not to find the experience damaging but rather enlightening.
Do not discredit the strength of children. He will be fine in any situation, and should a little ugliness erupt an important life lesson will likely result.
You should go. Have a contingency plan and think about how you might need to explain things to your son, but he’s not a baby any more and seeing his dad, while it may create more questions, may also give him many answers. (Coming from a girl who had an absentee father and very present step-father to fall back on - makes a big difference).
You will regret not going, even if you hear he showed up and caused a scene. You will have wanted to be there for your MIL after all is said and done.
I would go. I would not warn your son that his dad may be a drunk, raging asshole. That will just make your son terrified of him before even meeting him, and he will be constantly waiting on him to explode. However, if you get there and it’s obvious that he’s drunk, I would take your son aside and explain “Your dad has had too much to drink. People that drink too much sometimes don’t think clearly or understand what they are doing”.
Go, leave at the first sign of conflict, no good byes, just a swift, silent exit. Prep your child well. While he needn’t be expecting his ‘Dad’, nor disappointed that he doesn’t show up, he does need to know that he may have to leave suddenly, and you need his cooperation to do so quietly, so as not to disturb the party. Your friend could get ill, for instance. Be sure to remind him just as you go in, and again if you do have to leave.
I think there is a good chance he knows your son will be there, and cannot face him, no matter how curious he may be, or how much pressure his Mom is putting on him, in pursuit of some imaginary reconciliation.
Don’t disappoint your MIL or your child, on the off chance he does turn up.
Exactly. I have no idea if he will still disturb the peace. He still disappoints his mom though. She stopped inviting him for Christmas about 7 years ago. But he has stood her up for birthday dinners, and a “Hey Mom I just wanted to take you out for dinner” occasion about 15 months ago. He drifts from job to job. I try not to discuss him too much with his mother, but she feels I am the only one she can confide in about him. I tell her (mostly) the truth about him, some parts I skip, because she doesn’t need to know.
Assumedly someone in his family has his telephone number. I would (were I you) call him and tell him you intend to attend and that you are bringing your son and husband. Ask him if he intends on attending.
His attitude and demeanor in this conversation should let you gauge the threat level. Some people do change over time and some don’t. If he is belligerent or does not make any statements that he intends to be on his best behavior and/or has a handle on his drinking problem, then you should probably will prepped for a worst case scenario. If he indicates he has reformed or does not intend to drink then you can determine if you think he is sincere.
A little direct communication can go a long way in getting a handle on what to expect in this scenario. A lot more than we can give you in any case.
Agree with the “go, but be prepared to leave quickly and quietly.”
I think the bigger issue is any expectations your son has if his biodad is there. A vacuum is easy for kids to fill with romantic ideas or fears. Maybe if you talk about him a little more as someone who isn’t good with children and in general doesn’t matter, but is still a part of the family and might show up for events. What do people with kids think?
Hey Dr Drake, do you want to drive the get-away car?
Seriously, my son knows the guy in his baby album is his bio dad, and that he made mommy cry. He also has been told “he wasn’t really interested in being a dad” which is a version of the truth. I have also told him that his dad likes music, skiing, and watching Simpsons and Hockey, (also the truth.) I’ve tried to be balanced, but realistic.
[facetious] Carry on a fake discussion on Facebook with some of your friends about how you’ve had to hire a private investigator to track him down so that you can serve him with the court order for nine years of child support based on imputed income, so that the police can then arrest him for non-payment. [/facetious]
Seriously, go, have fun, make a quiet exit if needs be, and don’t hesitate to call the police and turn on the video recorder if he acts up or follows you.
I understand you not wanting to hurt your mother-in-law. But the biggest question that comes to my mind is how will your SON feel about the situation… and seeing his biological father? What does he know of his father? And will going to this event, meeting his father essentially for the first time, and witnessing his father potentially causing a scene rattle up his world? He is the child, and the person who will possibly be more affected, even more hurt, than anyone else in the picture… including your mother in law. Only you know your son and how he feels, so that’s for you to consider. But if I were in your position I’d definitely consider him first. If you decide it’s best not to go, you should be able to explain your feelings about it to MIL, and if she’s a supportive person she should definitely understand. Good luck.
