As I am not a party person, and as my family isn’t the gathering kind, I subject my husband to zero obligatory parties of my workplace or my family. If he doesn’t want to come, I won’t make him to. Usually I will just stay home with him instead.
In return, he doesn’t ask me to come to his workplace parties anymore, for which am very glad.
On the other hand, my husband has a big family. And while I get along with his family just fine if we visit them, or if they visit us, I hate going to his family’s parties. His family members that I know and like are lost in a sea of grand-aunts and nephews that I don’t know and don’t want to know as I meet them only once a year and they live hundreds of miles away. I would much, much much rather stay home. I’ve got precious little home alone time as it is, with our two-year old son todling around. I’ve gone to the first thee parties, so by now the novelty of showing me around must have worn off, right?
Besides, if my husband goes to these parties alone, he is much more likely to strike up conversations with his family then if I have to be kept company or if I have to be included in the conversation.
So Dopers, tell me. Would you consent to go alone to your work/family parties if that meant you would never ever have to go to your spouses work/families parties as well?
Maybe your husband wants to show off his new little boy? Maybe his family is clamoring to see their newest grandson/nephew/cousin?
What if the two of them go without you? They can use the “Mommy needs a little time to herself” line, you stay home and sip something cold and refreshing, they get in their family face time…
Also, IME the worst thing about going to some function - whether it’s office, family, whatever - without your spouse or partner is everyone immediately asking “Where’s X?” So if you have a good excuse (“Poor X - his boss asked him to stay late at the last minute, otherwise (s)he’d just love to be here…”) that helps quite a bit.
You gotta figure tho, how important is this to your spouse. Because this might be the kind of thing that, if it REALLY matters to him to have you there, you might want to just suck it up and bear it. Not to enjoy the party, but to do something that will make your spouse happy.
One thing, though, that struck me. You said that you don’t like to go to your own family’s events? Do you dislike your family or simply not feel like going or perhaps not like the big group events? I’m just curious.
I feel the same way about family reunions for wife’s family. A whole bunch of strangers that I have absolutely nothing in common with whom I’m forced to make polite conversation for at least six hours. On the other hand, it’s only once every few years, so I just grin and bear it.
Grin and bear it. My family talks about the missing in-laws behind their backs if they’re not there. (Wow, all three there/they’re/theirs!) Regardless of the excuse, it’s still interpreted as “they can’t be bothered to spend time with family”.
I have carefully cultivated a reputation for eccentricity and just plain weirdness. My husband’s family accepts the fact that I can’t be around that much smoke, which is true, as far as it goes. I also can’t stand being around that much Stupid in one place. Most of his relatives are nice enough, but they all seem to be trying to win the Redneck of the Year award, while also competing for the Darwin Awards. If I’m around more than two or three of them at a time, for more than a couple of hours, I’m far too likely to open my mouth and tell them that no, there IS no scientific evidence for the world stopping for 24 hours, thus proving a Biblical event, and really, nobody’s found Noah’s Ark. It’s just better for everyone concerned if I don’t go to his family gatherings. I don’t care if they talk about me behind my back, as long as I don’t have to listen to them talk at all.
You have to decide what’s important to you, what’s important to your husband, and what you can get away with. If you have a small child, then you really DO need some time for yourself, even if you have to lie to get it. And if you need a lot of solitary time, then that’s really a mental health need. Nobody has the right to insist that you make yourself unhappy…at least, not if they’re not paying you.
You didn’t hear about the NASA scientists who ran computer calculations on astronomical positions and found 23:20 hrs. missing around 1400 B.C. and then 40 min around 700 B.C.?
Not being there makes a statement whether you want it to or not, and given this is a once a year thing for family I have to say you sound insanely immature and whiny. Extended families with reasonable proximity to each other and zero “gathering” are kind of strange.
It’s normal to have some familial contact. If you’re going to make a petulant fuss about it, it’s less trouble to have you stay at home instead of bellyaching all the way there, but this kind of childish crap does not help build strong marriages and will be resented by your husband on a fundamental level, regardless of what he tells you to stop you from complaining.
My husbands family gathers for EVERYTHING. Luckily it’s a small family but god it’s constant. We quickly established limits and stuck to them. Now that the kids are adults it might be time to adjust some of those, but the point is mostly moot since the family is spread across most of North America now. The most troubling elements live in Texas so we’re feeling pretty comfortable up here in Toronto.
For us it wasn’t so much him trying to drag me along, but more me forcing him to be more polite about his refusals. Not so much of a big deal when the bachelor brother says he’ll be there and just doesn’t show up, but when he, his new wife and her two kids bail at the last minute it’s much more of a hassle and clearly all her fault.
Like I said, we visit a couple times a year with his parents, even stay over for a couple nights, and all that goes swell. What I don’t like are the parties where the my in-laws meet their extended family. I like and know my MIL, FIL and SIL; but I really don’t see the need to get introduced to* their* great cousin once removed.
overlyverbose, my family is very loose knitted. My dad is so absorbed in his work that the very few times he has a family outing, he either forgets to go or forgets to pass the message on to me. My mom, divorced from my dad, is estranged from all her sisters that live nearby; in fact I act as the go-between between her and her sisters. Neither will organize any family gatherings, and there wouldn’t be any family gatherings at all on my side of the family if I didn’t organize them.
Purplehorseshoe, my point exactly! I proposed to my husband that he would go with our son.
And it isn’t once a year; my husbands parents are divorced and remarried, so his side of the family has twice as much parties as normal. So we are talking about four times a year.
Because that person is also your kid’s shirttail cousin. And so on. You may not feel related to them, but if they are a big clan that likes to keep track of such things and have big gatherings a few times a year, they certainly would include your part of the family in that.
It’s once a year. It would be childish not to go, IMO. Nobody gets go do what they want all of the time, and if your husband’s relatives aren’t difficult or objectionable, it would be in your child’s best interests to cultivate a relationship with them. You will look bad for not attending, because even if you don’t think so, it’s a snub.
ETA: Even if it’s four times a year, you should go.
My sister hosts cook-outs/parties for Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th and Labor Day, among other things. She lives hundreds of miles away (about a five-hour drive, if we drive straight through; with a couple of rest-stops, it’s more like six and a half hours). My husband hates these things. He’s not all that social to begin with, and my family is. . .quirky. To say the very least. There are also always a ton of my sister’s friends there. But I don’t see my sisters more than a few times a year, so I like to go, and don’t like to do all the driving.
So, my hubby usually goes with, but he only stays at the party long enough to stuff his face (everyone brings great food, which helps), and say hi to everyone. Then he’ll go visit a friend who lives in the area, or go to a flea market, or something like that. Maybe it’s because my family is quirky, but no one seems to think badly of this behavior on his part.
Four times a year for extended family that you weren’t born into sounds doesn’t sound like too much, (that’s about what my husband and I do), but it all depends on you and your husband - if he likes to go, and wants your company at these events, then part of the marital contract is that you suck it up, and he in turn sucks something up for you. Um, that sounds grosser than I intended - I hope you know what I mean.
You are certainly allowed to not go, but I strongly urge you to reconsider.
My SO comes from a large family, and an average years has a couple of reunions/gatherings, a couple of graduation parties/weddings, maybe an anniversary party to round things out.
18 years ago, when we first were a couple, I knew 1 person, his brother. Then I met the immediate family. The reunions started, and I met the cousins, aunts and uncles. The next generation has come along, and I’m now starting to get to know them. There are still a few that I have to whisper to me SO (What’s his name?), but I’ve met them and I’ve gotten to know them, and I like most of them.
So it does get better. (My first major holiday with the in-law family, I found myself in one of the more distant rooms, with 2 of the other newer inlaws. We’d all gone looking for someplace to escape for a few minutes. It was a great conversation starter for us.)
