I always try to take a day off from work after I have to go to that kind of party, with my own family too. Especially with my own family. Basically it’s another day of work - actually, it’s usually a lot worse than that with the extra driving and the forced socialization - and I get really stressed and annoyed when I am working six days a week (or seven if something has to be done around the house on the other day of the weekend).
Given that you’re a mom to a young child, so you basically have no time off at all? I would say it’s not unreasonable at all to grab that potential alone time and help save your sanity.
Sometimes it gets better, yes. The people in my family keep having babies, and most of my great-nieces/great-nephews would never know who I was if it wasn’t for these get-togethers!
(I have an odd age situation in my family: I’m the youngest of five girls, my oldest sister is 13 years my senior, and I started a family later in my life than my sisters did; therefore, my sisters have grandchildren whose ages correspond with my children).
You mentioned that you don’t know any of the extended family, and that’s one reason you’re not interested in going. But it’s not like all of them were born into the same family. It stands to reason that one half of every aunt/uncle couple came into the whole thing the same way you did, by marriage, not knowing anyone.
Hell, I usually don’t want to go to my own work parties, so I’m right there with you on that.
But family stuff is different. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but the way I see it, when you got married your husband’s family became your family as well. Thus, his family obligations also became yours. It’s just part of the deal.
I happen to be in a similar situation as you; my wife has a very large and close-knit extended family and I don’t. I used to dread having to spend time with all those near-stranger in-laws. But now, after 13 years, I feel much more comfortable and actually enjoy seeing everybody. How long have you been married? Maybe you just need some time.
That is just like my family. Mom is the oldest of nine children, first married etc and as a result my son is the first great grandchild and I have 2 cousins who are just a year older than him. Can’t wait for our reunion this fall, though I too am more of a homebody and definitely not a party type. Mom’s side doesn’t do this much though (this is the first time all the kids/grandkids/ great grandkid will be in the same place. I haven’t seen and barely know most of my cousins but we are quite far-flung). Dad’s side did it a lot more when I was small but as the older generation gets frailer (and I’ve been to at least one funeral and expect more in the coming years god forbid not for awhile) it is less often. Used to see them most every Christmas at least, last time was Great- Grandma’s 100th last year.
Not sure what my point is but I concur with the suggestion of your husband and son going if you aren’t up for it. Maybe put in a show once in awhile so they don’t forget who you are. Some of my best memories are of running half wild with cousins out at the farm for family visits.
Go to some of the gatherings, but your husband and son are the main ones who need to be there, so take some breaks for yourself.
My family doesn’t live nearby and rarely gets together. I opt out of most of my SO’s family gatherings, and send him and the kids. They get together at least weekly, and his family is enormous and very close-knit. They’re great people, but I go insane with boredom because they don’t speak English at the family things, and I’ve been unable to learn their home language. It’s their home culture, and I respect it, and the kids and SO have a blast. I love having time to myself. win-win.
In the end, my husband and our toddler son went. By train, so he didn’t have the stress of driving without me in the back seat tending to our son. Both had a great time, and if the family gossiped about me, they were polite enough not to remark on it.
In my defense, that weekend was all about my husbands stuff. Saturday he spent on a sports day with his company. A party I wanted to go to on Saturday evening I had to cancel because my husband came home too late. So to spend Sunday as well travelling 2,5 hours both ways and give up my me-time and chores time… no, that was too much.
It’s not just one night. It’s the thinking about it and letting it fester for days to weeks to months before hand.
I loath specific dates on the calendar where it is mandatory family time with the inlaws. Because it is the exact same everything year after year. It’s like being trapped in a rerun.
My in-laws are big on family birthday parties for the kids. Seeing as there are a zillion of them (16 grandkids, 6 siblings, including my husband), there’s a party every time you turn around. One of my BILs from out of state makes a special trip up here for them. My other BIL and an SIL live too far away to make it here, but they’d be here in a flash if they could.
There have been a few times when we haven’t gone because of my work schedule. Otherwise, yes, we do attend, no questions asked. It’s only for a few hours :shrug:
If you didn’t have children, I’d say do what your husband and you agree on. But you do, and by not joining in his family gatherings, you are depriving them on THEIR family as well as depriving his family of THEM. So suck it up and go.
I can say that after 21 years of marriage, I’m still not as comfortable going to his family gatherings as I am mine, but my children are at ease with both sides. And thinking of my own life, I have the same connection – no awkwardness at all with either side. That’s the beauty of being born into a family vs meeting them for the first time when you’re already an adult.
Mr. Sali goes to visit relatives on : Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. He is polite, but not sociable and prefers to spend what free time he has doing other things besides visiting people he’s indifferent to. This has led to some awkwardness for me when I show up at an event alone or with my daughter, and EVERY fucking time someone whines, “where is Mr. Sali? Didn’t he come with you?”
I have learned to say, “No. No, Mr. Sali didn’t come with me. Mr. Sali does not “visit”. Mr. Sali has said many times that if anyone wants to see him, they are more than welcome to drive out for a visit. Please call him before you leave so he can pick up the house and put some beer in the fridge.”
But every time, same thing. “But…but…where’s Mr. Sali? Why didn’t he come with you?” WTF am I supposed to do, order him? Drag him out? Cry? Frankly, I don’t care. Visiting relatives is necessary when the kid(s) are young, they need some childhood memories. Otherwise, unless it is a holiday, visiting is optional.
Well, I agree that getting to know all of the relatives would make the whole thing less boring and more eventful. Of course some of the relatives came into the family just like me a new commer but. My husbands family does have parties like every weekend and everyone in the family likes to go to them. He has family from all over come to the kids’ birthday parties ect ect. THE REASON I DON’T LIKE TO GO, is because I’m the only white person there at an all Mexican event my husbands family, most of them, don’t even speak English and I don’t know enough Spanish to strike up conversations with them. The few that I do know and talk to are awesome but like another person said the are always surrounded by the other family that I don’t understand. PLUS, the one time we threw a party none of his family decided to come like they were suppose to so I just can’t get over the idea that they just don’t like ME. I don’t think they want me there and what good comes from me sucking it up for my husband (he really likes it when I go) if I take away from his fun, family time and don’t have anything to do can’t understand a word (husband CANNOT translate, he just sucks at it!!!) they say, plus I’m recovering alcoholic and a social phobic and all they do is drink. Shouldn’t he respect me too? I love him and his family I just don’t wanna go. I sucked it up for his moms birthday but every 2nd cousin really? Plus I’m in a manic depression right now and he doesn’t understand I can’t fake happy today ugggggg I DON’T WANNA GO!!!
I had a similar situation an SO of 5 years. He wanted to load his 2 boys, my son, and I into his car and drive 5.5 hours to spend the weekend with his family every six weeks. I just got to the point where I couldn’t do it. Combine that with his oldest son refusing to get out of bed before 1 or 2 in the afternoon on Sunday, we wouldn’t get home until into the evening. So much for the weekend. I couldn’t get shopping or other weekend chores done, and it wasn’t ‘time off’.
I finally stopped going to all but the one big extended family party that had been a tradition for years. It wasn’t until after we broke up he mentioned he and his family were hurt by my lack of enthusiasm for visits.
I guess my point is, make sure your husband is ok with attending those events without you before you make a decision.
