I need help... (warning: relationship problem)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Over Memorial Day weekend my SO’s family (hereunto refered to as “The Inlaws”) hold their annual family reunion in North Texas. The house which they hold it is quite nice. A spacious cabin with a large kitchen and living area and plenty of beds for everyone. There is a fishing lake, picnic areas, the whole bit. Its a really nice, peaceful place to visit.

For about ten minutes. It is amazingly boring. I hate it. I would much prefer to gouge my own eyes out than go up there again (last year was the first time I had went). There is a big screen TV, but during the day it is watched by the young kids and their cartoons and at night by the adults and their Christian films.

Not only do I get to get ‘the look’ from my inlaws all weekend (I am the black sheep of their family since I come from the wrong side of the tracks: poor family, nerdy kid, yadda yadda), but I have to deal with their constant witnessing.

I have no problem with seeing some individuals of her family, but when they all get together their IQ seems to drop to about a third of their shoe size, and they kick off this religious thing.

My SO thinks I am wrong about this (as I have told her in depth of my loathing of this gathering). She grew up in this tight knit, loving family. I grew up in a fractured, non-existant family. We come from two entirely different worlds, and we cannot come to terms on this.

I feel obligated to go, as I don’t feel like sleeping on the couch for a month, but I loathe the idea of going. I am getting phyisically ill with the idea of driving 8 hours to there and spending the entire Memorial Day weekend sober and bored to tears (being bored far outweighing the sober part).

Does anyone have any good ideas as to how to go to this thing and not go crazy or as to how to tell my in laws to go shove it? I REALLY need your help on this.

2

I wouldn’t tolerate it, and as your SO seems to think this is acceptable, I would really wonder if they care about your feelings. That you have done this before and voiced your unhappiness should be sufficient. There should be a happy medium. Say, get a hotel room so you don’t have to be there more than during the day.

That your SO is subjecting you to this makes me wonder how strong the family ties are and if she considers being with them to be more important. Some people put the concept of family harmony above personal happiness to the point that they will allow themselves to be made miserable rather than object. This often comes from prior times when they objected and were slapped down hard.

You have voiced your disapproval of their behavior, right?
You have offered alternatives that would not require you to be there as long, correct? This does not sound like something that can be gotten out of, only negotiated down.

If your SO is unyielding, there is a problem, and while it affects you because you are with them, it is not your problem.

3

Fake your own death.

4

rod:

Great! My wife now thinks I am posting under the name of rodgruver. The only difference between our problems is that her family get-togethers mostly occur in the Panhandle of Texas and that I now sort of have a couple of outs.

The first is religion. By birth I am Jewish. None of them had ever met a Jew before they met me and so the couple of times I went to the reunions, they were a bit worried about breaking some “Jewish rules.” Finally one of the younger members of the tibe came up to me and asked, “Why did you kill our Lord?”

I teared up, excused myself and went for a short drive. I came back about 45 minutes later and they were so self-consious around me after that, I think they are a little more comfortable when I am not there. (Although, I do have a cousin-in-law who keeps contacting me and offering to witness).

The other thing I have going for me is my job. I am a newspaper editor. Everytime one of these get-togethers comes up (which seemes like every six months or so, right?), I make sure one of my staff members is on vacation and I have to fill in for him or her. “Jeez, Joe Bob (I really do have a brother-in-law named Joe Bob) I’d love to go to the reunion this year, but that is the week of State Fair, and we are short handed, sorry.”

I should point out to Hastur that, at least in my situation, my wife doesn’t “make” me attend. It is just that she grew up in a situation where family is very, very important. You “survived” because of family, so you celebrate it now. I realize that it is very important to her and she realizes that it is very painful to me. I know that if I asked her she would not attend, but I would never ask her to do that. But I also know when I don’t attend, the biddies are always laying odds on how long the marriage will last (Ours has outlasted most of their own, but that doesn’t seem to sink in).

One last thing–When I do attend, an interesting side note is that most of the teenagers gravitate to me as an “outsider.” I guess they identify with me.

I had one nephew-in-law say, “You know TV, you are the only adult at this thing I can stand.”

TV

5

I come from a very close family and they love to have big family gatherings. I grew up where family means everything and we’re all huggers and very affectionate people. Mr. Grace grew up in a small family, non-affectionate, and with no religious upbringing. It was very difficult for him because invariably religion was discussed and it just made him uncomfortable. It wasn’t that they were trying to convert him as it was that they wanted to share what they perceived as something wonderful. He would especially get upset if someone said they were praying for him. He’d pull me aside later and ask “Why? What did I do?”

I’m afraid I don’t have any advice that’ll get you out of these type of gatherings. For someone who’s very close to her family, it’s unlikely that it’ll change. There will always be family gatherings that you’ll have to attend. For some people, especially people of hispanic cultures, family is the most important thing. We actually want to be with our families and when we marry, want our husband to be part of that family.

I can only tell you to have your SO speak to her family. I explained to my family about Mr. Grace’s feelings and they were wonderful about it. They didn’t even know they were alienating him. They began discussing other things with him and it allowed them to get to know each other and find common ground. It’s not all perfect. Sometimes he doesn’t want to attend family functions and I don’t force him to go. But, talking to my family helped and it made me feel better too.

6

Hster, asking for one weekend a year dosen’t seem overbearing to me. One weekend a month, sure. If he were made horribly horribly uncomfortable by these things, sure. But the OP says the biggest problem is boredom. So go prepared. Take a huge stack of books. Take up a bag of yarn and crochet an afgan. Take a gameboy, take your computer, take a friend. Spend time socializing with the family, but you don’t have to spend it all socializing. Be a “private guy”.

Also, consider that your wife may want you to come because she needs your support. These family gathering can be very cheerful on the surface but people feel very stressed underneath, esp. if her realitives are the critical type.

7

I’m pretty sure the inventor of the flask had in-laws. And sobriety is just a state of mind, man.

Get sloshed. That way they won’t want you to come next year!!!

8

Get a gameboy, you can play games yourself.

9

Being in a relationship means that sometimes you have to do things that are personally boring to you because it is important to your SO. As long as it works both ways and doesn’t happen too often, I don’t think it is worth getting worked up over. Eight hours is a long drive though. Round trip of 16 hours, plus use of three day weekend, you should get your choice of movie rentals for a couple of months.

10

First I asked my husband if he was posting as robgruver. Every year my family has a big family reunion that is a weekend of “family stuff” that could be really boring to the innocent bystander.
For the last two years my husband has had to work on Reunion Weekend (wonder how that happened? :slight_smile: )and this year will be the first time he has attended. If the thought is absolutely unbearable try to be unable to get out of work. That way not only will you have an excuse to get out of it, she will have an excuse that will not make you look rude and inconsiderate to her family, which is probably very important to her if she has a close family. If working is not feasable (meaning, she will never believe it and will only serve to piss her off) the number one thing to do is GET A HOTEL ROOM. Do not stay with family. This way you have a place to escape to - and you have a liquor stash!
The other thing that is important (it helped my husband alot) is this: when a family member starts doing stuff like being a busy body about our religion, or telling us how to raise our baby, or being general “nosy neds” he just said “Thanks for your concern. We won’t be doing it that way” or some other polite but firm rejection of whatever craziness they were selling.
You have my husband’s condolences, as he feels your pain. I would like to say, however, that I do not think Hastur’s hard-line approach will do any good for your marriage in the long run. To me, doing stuff like this (small, one weekend a year inconveniences and other trivial stuff) is one of the small compromises that make a marriage work. I wouldn’t risk making your wife feel like her family is somehow beneath you and hurting her just to avoid boredom (I think TV’s situation was a bit different, though). I could go on about this but I am going to enjoy my Mother’s Day now. To sum up: Try to work. If you can’t, get a hotel room. Be polite but firm with the relatives. Don’t let them walk all over you.
Michelle

11

Thanks for all the responses. I do appreciate them all.

Hastur: While I do understand your response totally, taking the hard road is not something that I want to do. For the sake of my marriage. Yes, it’s not entirely fair, but there are sometimes you just have to do things that you don’t want to.

Now, that is not saying that I can’t come up with something to get out of it this year. :slight_smile: Faking my death is starting to look ripe for the picking.

TV time, ellykat: No, I can quite assure you that I am not related/married to you. :slight_smile: Thanks for the info though, knowing others thoughts on this is making it a lot easier for me to get through this.

Manda JO: Good idea on the books. I will have to hit Barnes and Nobel before I go. Plus I just started reading Good Omens again. :slight_smile:

12

Couple more suggestions: take up cards, puzzles, and board games. Cheezy, I know, but I have found that playing cards with people gives you some common ground to talk about right there. And you can play solitaire. Puzzles can be a stroke of genius: it LOOKS like you are being social, because people can wander over and help you with it, but they usually don’t stay.

TV Time’s remark about the kids is a good one–they tend to be less freakish than thier parents. So hang out with them. Bored games are good for this.

Another technique is to go up there and be Mr. Helpful. Run every errand that needs running. Help make dinner. Jump up and start the dishes while people are still eating desert. Take out the trash when it is barely full. Volunteer to babysit. Vacum. Not only will this keep you busy (which makes the time go faster), it will earn you and your wife mondo brownie points. Then, when after dinner you retreat to your bedroom to read no one thinks you are being asocial–they think you are tired out, poor thing, isn’t he a nice young man?

Lastly, write down some really really nice things your wife has done for you and recite those to yourself when you are about to burst. Resentment really makes these things last even longer.

13

FWIW…

I think you need to sit down with your SO and tell her how you feel about the family reunion thing. Maybe you can work out a compromise – after all, you chose her on the basis of her, not on the basis of her family.

If you can’t, bring a good book (I can think of at least one ;)) and settle in for the weekend (and think pleasant thoughts).

And, it’s only a weekend. It’s not like you’re moving up there forever.

Robin

14

Manda JO is incredibly fucking wise.

I am gonna start stalking her around the boards because everything she writes is right on the money!

I was gonna recommend the book thing too (Robert Jordan is a good read!) but her ideas are better - good luck!

15

I concur. I fell a lot better because of her now.

Manda JO: Thanks so much. You are wonderful!

:gives Manda big ole hugs:

16

shoot the hostage

17

Rob!!

Discover the wonder of Nyquill assisted blackouts and fishing. (though not at the same time, mind you).
If you dont want to read a book, start to write one!
and everything Manda said. Their behaviour may annoy you, but sometimes its good to suck it up and take one for the wife. She’ll appreciate it.

Or you could always bring along a video of your own choosing. May I suggest “As good as it gets”? Nothing really controversial, funny and a good movie aswell.

18

Can’t you do something to get you out of the house most of the day? You said it’s a beautiful place - do you hike, or mountain bike, or anything like that? How 'bout taking a canoe on the lake to some nice secluded place and reading for a few hours? Or even better, convince the wife that she wants to canoe with you to some secluded place and (ahem) do the nasty for a couple hours? Seems like you could come up with something to do for most of the daylight hours and heck, you could even try to include some of the not-so-nasty people in the group if so inclined. Take a bike ride to a town several miles away and have lunch. Bring a croquet set and learn how to play. Bring a non-offending movie for one of the movie nights so you don’t have to watch the Christian stuff.

In my experience, I can be easily bored to tears if I let myself get dragged into too much family stuff, and I’m MUCH happier if I assert myself a little bit and say “no, I’m not going to participate in the noon prayer session, because I’m too busy biking/hiking/organizing the kids and doing a play/reading/canoeing/weaving baskets/etc. etc. etc”

If they’re the type who want you to participate in everything, though, you’re doomed. Take Snoopy’s advice, stage your own death.

19

Geez rob, can’t you just tell them you’ve got cramps and a backache? Oh wait…you’re a guy. Hm. Guess that’s not gonna work. Let me see here…oh wait, Twisty suggested Nyquil…yeah! Nyquil! That’s it!

Carry a big ol’ bottle, at all times. Make it visible. Sniffle and cough a lot. Blow your nose. Breathe through your mouth.

See where I’m going with this?

Fake an illness while you’re there. Better still, tell them you think it might be allergies, and you really, really hope that it’s nothing thre in the cabin, because gee, it would realy make you sad to have to not go to the reunions because of your allergies. :frowning:

[sub]of course, Manda’s suggestions are great…if you’re an actual nice guy with a conscience and everything…drat those good people with good suggestions…;)[/sub]

20

If you’re in North Texas with a bunch of fundamentalists, they must know how to play 42. Get them to teach you; it’s a domino game that every Texan should know.

I concur with TVtime about the kids. Whenever a family gathering gets to be too tedious to tolerate, I make some excuse (“Dang! We’re out of pickle relish! Any of you kids know the way to the nearest store?”) and load all the younguns in a car, crank up the tunes and go tooling around. This is especially fun if, as a trusted adult, you can convince the owner of the coolest car there to hand over the keys. The kids will think you’re a god.