No hypothetical situation today, boys and girls. Here’s the sitch:
I just got an invitation to a party I would otherwise be inclined to attend. The person hosting the event has been my friend for about ten years, though currently we interact mostly through Facebook because she’s moved across the country. Anyway, she’s having a party in a few days and invited me through FB. As some of y’all may know, doing so allows me to see everyone else who has been invited. One of the prospective guests is an ex of mine with whom things ended somewhat badly, and whom I really don’t care to see again. She’s already committed to attending, and I know her well enough to say that she probably will.
I mentioned to another invitee that I would not be going to this party, and why. The person I told this too was taken aback, saying that, if I were her husband, she’d be bothered that I’d still want to avoid an ex after years of marriage.
Has she a point? I don’t think so, but I’ve been wrong before.
I have an ex who stalked me and acted like he was going to kill me (or himself) for months after our breakup. I have avoided events where he might be since I don’t want to be in the same room with him if at all avoidable.
Short of that, as long as I don’t have to be alone with them, I attend events with exes (even ones that are still pretty upset over the breakup) all the time (mind you, out of my group of friends from university, I dated a lot of the guys so it would have a pretty serious effect on my social life if I didn’t).
Basically, it would depend how ugly the situation was and if you and her were both past it.
It’s an invitation, not an obligation, so you don’t have to go. You can justify this with ANY reason and it’s OK. If it were your cousin’s wedding or your grandmother’s 90th birthday, then you’re obligated to go and you have to just deal with the ex. But in this case, the party is supposed to be fun and if the ex’s presence ruins that, then you shouldn’t go.
Now whether you should feel awkward around the ex depends on whether you’re still attracted to the person or if you, y’know, hate them. The former is a little weird but not overly so. The latter is perfectly reasonable.
I wouldn’t be that concerned if I were your spouse. Life’s short and there are a few people I’d rather not share oxygen with again. It’s nothing dramatic; it’s just a cold evaluation of their merits. (This is of course assuming you don’t have a multi-page list of Mortal Enemies whom you are so set on avoiding that you’ve sat alone in your basement grinding your teeth for the past seven years.)
It did seem weird to me that you’d mention your real reason for not attending to another invitee. Word could get back to the ex, which could be counterproductive, or to your host, which could be hurtful.
I would instead say pseudo-regretfully but firmly, “I have other plans for that day.” Don’t elaborate.
No way. I don’t want to see my ex again and there’s no drama between us. We even talked via e-mail a few years ago. But I have absolutely no desire to see him again, and my SO would be fine with that.
That person in the OP annoys me, actually. If we see our exes, she probably thinks we want to bang them again. If we don’t see them…it also means such? Bah.
No, wouldn’t bother me at all, though perhaps partially because I’ve got one of those exes that really, really doesn’t want to be within ten miles of me, and so I tend to avoid events he’s attending, for his sake. (Though the last time I did this, a mutual friend gave me the “Look, he has to grow up and put on his big boy panties now” talk.) So it would be rather hypocritical of me to object if my husband did the same.
I thought the problem was a little funny, though. Isn’t the usual case that it’s the spouse of the person with the toxic ex who objects? I know that with my sister, her husband has no problems going to events with his toxic ex, but she would really rather they didn’t. (In that case, though, Toxic!Ex has the bad habit of being extremely catty to my sister.)
I trust your judgment on these things. You’re a nut, but not a dangerous nut. If you think it is a bad idea to bring a match and gasoline together because it will blow up, you’re probably right. On the other hand, if you are just being a sullen pill and it won’t do anyone any permanent damage, accept that as you may.
I don’t understand that attitude at all. My wife and I each have both kinds of exes: those that we are comfortable seeing socially, and those who we would run into busy traffic to avoid passing on the sidewalk. Shouldn’t be too hard a concept to grasp.
Your friend might be coming from the school of thought that the opposite of love is indifference, and you should be indifferent to this ex (rather than still holding a grudge - not that you are holding a grudge). I don’t think this is quite accurate; you can want to have nothing to do with someone without having any leftover emotional baggage with them.
This is exactly how I feel about my last boyfriend. He’s my ex. We’re no longer together for a reason. I don’t have any strong feelings toward him, but I really don’t feel like seeing him ever again.
He e-mailed me a few years ago when my son was five months old. My husband encouraged me to e-mail him back if I wanted to, but didn’t care one way or the other. Same goes for seeing him - he doesn’t care if I do, he doesn’t care if I don’t.
It would depend on the size of the venue and how many people. Large enough party with enough room and I don’t have to interact with her and have plenty of witnesses as to what really happened if we do, because it is a certainty that she will lie about it and make false accusations about me.
Less than 10 people in someone’s apartment? Not a fucking chance. The odds of her cornering me without witnesses and then claiming violence later are unacceptably high.
It wouldn’t bother me, exactly, but I would wonder what the hell had happened between you two that you’re still actively avoiding her. I mean, we’re not talking about re-establishing a personal relationship and having an intimate little let’s-catch-up lunch–we’re talking about going to a party where you don’t even have to talk to each other beyond a civil greeting. Not being able to manage even that paltry amount of contact after several years would seem to indicate that either one of you did something insanely shitty to the other or you both have maturity issues.
It would depend on the reasons for wanting to avoid the ex - or anybody else, for that matter.
My aunt’s divorce from her first husband came after years of yelling, smashing, vase-throwing, top-of-the-lungs insults, “those kids aren’t mine” (the milkman must be a cousin of yours, then)… would I go out of my way to avoid being in the same room as him? Not particularly, but I wouldn’t go say hi, and if he suddenly decided to remember we’re related in any way and came to greet me I might give him the equivalent answer to the “I don’t have any daughters” he gave to cousin #1 years after the divorce.
My crazy uncle? I’ll go to remembrances of my cousin, his eldest child, but we stopped trying to have a real conversation with either aunt or uncle years ago - when it doesn’t turn into “you don’t know what it’s like to lose a child” (ok, they’re depressed; they’re also refusing to see anybody about it and at least two of the people to whom they said that have, in fact, lost children), it’s “my sister took a brooch that should have been mine!” (she meant to but gave it to you as soon as you pointed out it belonged to your godmother - and seriously, uncle, you’re a git). And before either of those happened, it was “I have the solution to all the problems in the world if you would just listen” and before that “I’m such a wonderful poet and they keep giving the prizes to other people, how dare they!” Trying to have a conversation with him is just hugely tiresome.
If my hubby turned down an invitation for an event, it wouldn’t bother me. It wouldn’t matter what the reason was. Why should it? I must be missing something.
Yeah, I don’t…get what my problem is supposed to be, there.
Maybe if it was an event I really wanted to go to, but he didn’t because his ex would be there? If that were the case, I’d go without him - or not, since I don’t get on well with his evil ex either. (13 years later, she still resents me for their breakup…)
I wouldn’t be concerned. Sometimes there’s bad blood there, and while you may be capable of behaving like an adult, you have no guarantees the other person would be able to. And you might be willing to take that chance, but sometimes it’s just not worth the hassle, especially if it’s an event that you may or may not have gone to anyway.
My partner has been married twice before, and with his first wife had children who had children, and his youngest grandchild is celebrating his 21st Birthday this weekend. The grandmother will be attending
His second wife (with whom he had no children) was otherwise a great step-grandmother to his grandchildren. She will also be attending.
My partner and I were invited to the celebrations of course, but I declined the opportunity.
Reasons? My partner’s break up with his second wife was less than amicable and they have had NO contact in the intervening years except by proxy. My presence there would make ME uncomfortable, make HER uncomfortable, and thus make the whole party-thing a less than perfect event for the Birthday Boy. It’s his special day, and one that doesn’t need the extraneous tensions that my being there would produce.