How would you tactfully handle this party situation?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m good friends with two people who dated each other on and off for some years. They’re very much ‘off’ now, and there is some animosity between them. I’m closer to the female of the pair at the moment, but I’m also still independently friends with the male.

I’m throwing a party, and asked my girl friend what her thoughts would be on inviting her ex. She told me she didn’t mind, so I invited both of them.

The guy has now asked me if he can bring his new lady friend. I’m not sure what my response should be.

The details of the problems between the pair probably aren’t relevant, but in case anyone thinks they are: The guy has recently cut off all contact with the girl despite her wishes to remain friends or at least on civil terms. I tend to agree with her that his reasons for doing this are silly and that he is being a dick in this regard. However, at the same time I think that, really, he should be allowed to distance himself from his ex-girlfriend (he would say his crazy ex-girlfriend) for whatever reason he wishes, no matter how petty it seems to anyone else.

He would have no problem with his ex being at the party, but would resent it if she used the party as an excuse to finally ambush him with LETS BE FRIENDS WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME. He would (I imagine) definitely resent it if her presence at the party precluded him from being allowed to bring along his new girlfriend.

(Also, I imagine that his new girlfriend might act as an invisible shield, repelling the ex from him like a force field. He would enjoy that effect.)

If anyone else had asked, I would have no problem with them bringing a partner. It’s not crazy to tell him that there’s not enough room at my house to expand the guestlist, but I don’t particularly like the idea of treating him differently from how I would treat other friends.

If I were to take an interfering perspective, having New Girl at the party might actually be beneficial to my female friend, in that it would help her get over her ex. However, at the same time I want to avoid upsetting my female friend. I think the combination of having her ex at the party ignoring her, and her ex bringing his new lover, will cause her distress, if not at the party then later down the track.

What would dopers suggest?

Telling him sure, bring the new girl, without first checking with my girl friend?

Framing it to him like: *I *would prefer he come alone, that I won’t stop him if he really, really wants to bring her, but that I’d appreciate if (as a gesture of goodwill towards me, rather than the ex) he didn’t? (I’d have to spin this one very tactfully, because he is likely to be frustrated about how his ex is still encroaching on his life and his first response would probably be ‘why should I care how she feels about it?’)

Telling him that he can bring his new girl, but only after privately running the idea past my girl friend first, and only if she approves of the idea?

Telling a little white lie about how I can’t possibly expand the guest list by one person?

Telling him flat out that my friend would be uncomfortable and that I’m taking her side?

2

If you’d let any other invitee bring a guest, you need to let your guy friend bring his new girlfriend. Give the ex-girlfriend a casual heads up, but don’t make a big deal. Then, be prepared to run a little interference.

How big is the party?

If it’s a dinner party for six, that’s a significantly different atmosphere than a house party for sixty. Your female friend is much more likely to be on best behavior in a small group than a large.

Can you trust everyone to behave like adults? Does anyone have a habit of drinking too much wine and spilling awkward into the occasion? If it has the potential for debacle, see if any of your other invited guests can play interference as well.

Whether your female friend attends or not is her decision. She may decide she can’t take the stress of being around her ex when he’s in another relationship. If that’s the case, take her out to dinner on another night.

3

Let the guy bring his new girl; say nothing and hope everyone can act like grown-ups. Just because old girlfriend says that she wishes “to remain civil” doesn’t mean she’s going to follow the guy around whining for his attention, does it?

On second thought, perhaps phouka’s advice is better than saying nothing…

4

I would tell the guy friend he could bring his new lady friend, but I would also give my girl friend a heads up about it. It’s going to be awkward anyway, but at least it won’t be a total surprise that the other person is there. You shouldn’t have to be the “buffer” between the two of them after the relationship is over.

5

I think it’s a tad rude of him to want to add to your guest list. And before anyone jumps in with outrage notice I did say a TAD rude. If this was a couples type party I’m assuming the invite would include a +1.

Personally I think I’d tell him that I’m really much busier this holiday season and I’ve invited all of the people I’m able to accommodate this year and perhaps we could plan a time in January to have dinner somewhere so I could meet his new girlfriend?

Yes your friend should be able to be at the party with her ex and see his new girlfriend, but it’s my party and I wouldn’t want the anxiety of wondering if it will all go okay and have that take away from me making my other guests feel welcome and comfortable.

This time of year is harder on people and a lot of people’s emotions are more raw because of it. Why rub her nose in it if he can stand to be away from his new girl (gag if he can’t) for a single evening?

6

Yes, let him bring his girlfriend.
Yes, give the ex a heads up and maybe add that if she would like to bring a guest, that would be cool, too.

Frankly, I don’t see why it’s a big deal that this guy doesn’t want to be close with his ex. I mean, they did break up.

7

Oh, my gawd. And with that, we’re alllll instantly transported back into high school.

Correct response: “Sure!” (Assuming that’s what you’d say to any other random guest. If not, then: “Nope, sorry! We’re out of chairs as it is.”)

This is up to him, not her - if he doesn’t want to be “friends” then she can’t really force him to, now can she? (Correct answer: no, she can’t.) Besides, most people prefer a clean break - it’s generally healthier anyway. Otherwise, you end up with B.S. like this.

This is where you, OP, are starting to stir the pot a bit. Why are you getting involved in someone else’s on-again-off-again drama?

Yes. He is “allowed.”

Ah. Now we get somewhere. If there is any chance that the imagined ambush could happen - if it’s in her character to do something like this - then he is well within her rights to call her “crazy” and want to distance himself from her. Adults don’t command other people in capital letters to BE FRIENDS. At least, not adults who’ve left high school behind.

:confused:

Then, don’t. To do so is quite rude.

Stop interfering. Your friend’s progress in getting over this relationship is up to her, not you. Incidentally, demanding that her ex BE FRIENDS with her says to me that she is not, in fact, over him. Quite the opposite.

Oh, dear sweet baby Jesus. “Only if she approves?”

This is always an option, I suppose.

What “side” is that? What, pray tell, has he done wrong?

8

Does anyone recall reading the party-planning advice years ago to be sure to invite some form of feuding pair, for the entertainment of the rest? :stuck_out_tongue: I can’t recall who said that.

Huh. It would not occur to me to not welcome SOs or other guests to a general-purpose party. Meeting partners and friends of friends and partners is one of the reasons for having parties, IMO.

9

Invite everyone, also let any interested parties know you’ve invited everyone, let them work it out.

I recently had a birthday party here and invited friends in the midst of a divorce. They’re both dating someone new, but brand new and haven’t met each others new S.O.s yet. When He found out She was bringing a new guy, he called and politely explained he’d be unable to make it because of littlewhitelie, instead of blathering on about not wanting to make a scene. He stopped by the next day to wish my son a happy birthday and apologize for being unable to make the party.

I have nothing but respect for the way that was handled.

10

purplehorseshoe, you ask:

I don’t want to get into a lengthy discussion about how each of these people have acted, because it’s not really my business and, like you said, it’s better to avoid getting into somebody else’s drama.

If you want to know, the reason why he’s decided not to talk to the ex at the moment is because he found out that she lied to him when he asked her if she’d slept with person X. The sleeping with person X, and the discussion about it, happened after these two had broken up and were back being friends. I don’t think that it’s cool for him to think that he has the right to know what my friend was doing with her private life when they weren’t even together, and for him to suddenly shun her (they were civil and friendly for a time after breaking up) because she “lied to his face” about his unreasonable question.

Yes, this whole thing is immature on both sides (they were in fact a couple high school) but they are both still close friends of mine, particularly the girl, and I want this party to be as enjoyable as possible for both them and other guests.

11

When my ex and I divorced, we still had (and have) mutual friends. One of those friends was kind enough to ask me (and, I presume, the ex as well) what the correct procedure should be for an upcoming party that was being thrown. I told her in no uncertain terms that any issues between my ex and I (and there are plenty) were NOT something she ought to be worrying about – it’s not her problem. Both my ex and I are adults and can behave like it.

I think you ought to invite everyone involved, anticipating that they will all respect your event and behave appropriately (this includes your male friend not openly being a dick to his ex – there’s nothing to be done about any subtext). If someone decided to be a child about it, that isn’t your fault, and while it would be unfortunate, it will certainly help guide you for future invitations. But as the former couple are individually friends of yours, give them both the benefit of the doubt.

12

I’ll be shocked if any of the participants in this drama are over the legal drinking age.

13

Since when has that prevented excessive quantities of alcohol-induced drama?

14

IIRC, Miss Manners said essentially this as a general rule. Always give your friends the benefit of the doubt, it shows that you think highly of them. They can make their own decisions after that.

15

This is the least complicated thing in the universe. Let him bring his girlfriend.

16

These two things are not compatible. If the former happens, it’s going to be awkward and embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone. Not just him and her and potentially you, everyone who’s there to see or hear it. At best it will put a damper on the party and people will make bunny-boiling jokes, and at worst people will leave in droves and the whole evening will be ruined.

Being the only one here who knows this girl, only you can judge how likely such an occurrence is. I will however point out that this appears to be a scenario you, someone who “taking her side,” have spun rather than an off-the-wall what-if from the ex who thinks she’s a psycho hosebeast. And if the person who’s on her side and trying to paint her in the best light thinks such thoroughly inappropriate behavior is likely enough to be worth mentioning…:eek:

Your question here shouldn’t be “How do I tell my friend that he’s the only person in the whole party who isn’t welcome to bring a date?” but rather “How do I tell my friend she’s not allowed to harass her ex at my party?”

17

I realize I forgot to answer how I would handle the situation. I would tell him to bring his new girlfriend and expect the ex to put on her big girl panties and either deal or stay home. The SOs of my friends and family are always welcome in my home. Always. Even the occasional one I don’t much like. Anything less would be hurtful to people I care about.

Since the ex is also someone I care about, I would tell her immediately that while I don’t want to make her angry or sad or uncomfortable, I can’t in good conscience exclude New Girl. If this will bother her enough that she would be happier leaving early or just skipping the party and us doing something on our own another time, it won’t hurt or upset or offend me at all. I just want her to do what’s best for her.

18

It seems to me, you have the opportunity to influence how mature they are about this, by putting them in this very situation. You should welcome his new girlfriend to the party and your home. You should give his ex the heads up, very matter of factly, pointing out you would, of course, do the same were the situation reversed. Change topics, move quickly on to something else. If she returns to it, tell her that on reflection you realized it’s between them to behave maturely and respectfully toward each other, and that you’re confident they are both capable of such. Change topics. Give it time to percolate.

I predict they will both arrive with their game faces on and the whole interaction will be driven by the expectations of maturity from the host and guests.

19

Invite all persons of interest to the party. However, for the persons in question, give them another address, one that is at a remote farmhouse on a long, deserted lane. Arrange to have their cars disabled once they arrive. Place cameras in and around the farm house, and then find the scariest bunch of aspiring actors you can find to dress up as mutant zombie motorcyclists to terrorize them. Edit the resulting footage, plus talking head commentary from all of the mutual friends, into some kind of coherent story, and ship it off to FOX. Voila, you’ve just invented a new subgenre of reality t.v.; the ambush-horror show. Profit will ensue.

Stranger

20

Unless it’s a singular party (e.g. girls’ night out), all invitations should automatically include boyfriend/girlfriends.