So, my GF’s bithday is coming up. Her kids are planing a dinner for her at her home.
One of her kids (she’s actually 22) invited her father to the party. Which that in itself wouldn’t be a problem, they haven’t been involved in 20 years. But the thing is, every since he’s seen our pictures of us together on Facebook (my GF and I) he’s been talking crazy trash about me. The guy has never met me. (Apparently, the guy just went through a second divorce and is now lonely and pining for his old GF of 20 years ago back.)
Anyway, I’m conflicted, I don’t want to go there and be nice to some dude I know doesn’t have an ounce of respect for me. I don’t like being “fake” nice to people.
But then OTOH, if I DON’T go, maybe he gets some sort of small victory out of it? Would it be juvenile to engage him in such petty games?
I know, as soon as I tell my GF all this she’s going to be like: “Well, fuck that, he ain’t coming then!” I’m going to request she not do that. Because if she does, her kid is just going to resent me for it.
I’m assuming that you have been invited. In that case you should go. A lot of people are brave over the internet but wimps in person. Be pleasant but look him in the eye in a way that he knows that you really don’t care about what he says or him in general.
Her kid resenting you for it is better than the other two options to be honest. You missing her bday party should be out of the question. I think the bigger worry would be the guy causing a scene rather than you having to be “fake nice” to him. Really the best option is for her to uninvite him without you having to take the blame.
My advice is to not focus on him and his views whatsoever. Ask your girlfriend if she wants you there or not. If she wants you there, you go. You then provide “fake nice.” All of us with ex’s have gone through this. Not fun, but it’s part of dating people with kids. It happens now and then and we just have to try to act mature about it all. If he’s an ass to you, without provocation, then they can reassess inviting him next time and you can reassess attending.
Yeah, my wife never wants her ex around. So, while he may show up at a party for one of the kids, or graduation, etc, he would never be invited to her birthday. That’s a bit strange. But their relationship and history may be different. Anyway, I repeat my advice: go and be polite.
Can you get one of those T-shirts made that says “She’s With Me” with an arrow pointing to one side? But in all seriousness, don’t make it about you. It’s her birthday. He’s their father. Go. Be delightful. If she is important to you, fake it if you have to, even though you don’t like doing it.
Go. Nobody likes being fake nice, but it’s it’s just for a few hours. How do you know what he’s said about you? Is someone trying to stir the pot and pit you against each other? That could be the bigger issue here.
I’d go and be nice, real nice, not fake. It sounds like he is a pathetic loser, so pity is in order. Maybe after he meets you he will quit trash-talking you or maybe he will make himself look even worse, who knows. Behave irreproachably, people hate that.
The father expresses his exasperation to the kid, she relays it to her mom, the mom then tells me. The kid was quite embarrassed when she found out her mom told me.
I believe they were talking about it because they find his frustration a source of amusement.
It’s kind of dick not to go to your SO’s birthday party unless you have some really good excuse
If you’re planning on seeing Mom for the indefinate future, you’ll probably need to meet the father of her kids at somepoint. Mind as well do it now.
I’m not sure I’d read too much into his trashing you. As you say, he’s never met you, so he doesn’t really have any personal reason to dislike you. I imagine its just his way of venting about his other issues, which isn’t exactly classy, but I imagine everyones done something similar at one point or another. You might actually get along if he met you.
You can look upon it as an opportunity for an aggressive charm offensive. If I knew he felt that way about me and we were in a venue where he has to behave socially nothing would give me more visceral pleasure than to be as sweet as pie to him. It’s ludicrous that he feels he has anything to say about you period after 20 years of separation from her. Bring games, be the life of the party, involve him, chat him up.
At least after meeting him face to face you will have a better idea of what you are dealing with.
Anyway, having to be “fake nice” from time to time is part of life as a grown-up. Sometimes we all just have to suck it up. And as Mark Twain said: “Always do right. This will please your friends and annoy your enemies.”