Family events you feel obligated to attend

In My Humble Opinion
1

I wanted to do this as a poll, but there are far too many variants. Let’s try it as a regular thread.

I expect most of us have been invited to at least a few momentous events in the lives of our relatives. Which do you not dare miss? Which do you consider, depending on cost/time of year/distance/closeness of relative? Which are you likely to decline?

I put weddings and funerals of the immediate family (including grandparents) at the top of the do-not-miss list. I did miss one sister’s wedding, but there was a convoluted backstory to that fiasco. I didn’t accompany my husband to either of his grandmothers’ funerals due to financial, work, and kid-in-school constraints. He missed my 2nd sister’s wedding and my grandmother’s funeral because he couldn’t get time off work for the travel and the event. Funerals for aunts, uncles, or cousins are highly distance dependent, so I’ve missed most of those.

I really hate showers. I went to one for a cousin (I was about 10) because I was in her wedding. I don’t think I went to any for my sibs - we lived 800 miles away for a lot of years. My niece is getting married in July and I’m feeling obligated to attend her shower, and I’m dreading it already. I’m not really looking forward to the wedding either but we’ll attend. They should just elope like we did! :wink:

My folks had big to-do parties for their 25th and 50th anniversaries, and I was at both. My husband and I pretty much ignore our anniversaries other than going out to dinner, and I kinda take that same outlook regarding my sibs’ anniversaries.

Graduations are to be avoided unless there’s no escape. So far, I’ve been spared all but my daughter’s and my niece’s.

Christenings were never an issue - we lived too far away and weren’t invited.

Birthday parties are iffy, but we mostly don’t bother. Even tho we’re in the same state as my family now, we’re 2 hours away from most of them and we’re tired of always doing the driving. We’ve quit inviting anyone to our place because all they do is bitch about the drive…

Random parties - no feeling of obligation - they’re decided on individual merits.

Next?

2

Weddings. You go to one niece or nephews, and you pretty much have to hit them all. That’s ok though. It seems like a good time for every one to get together.

3

Last week we drove 2:30 hours for my nephew’s 4th birthday. There wan’t any question of us not coming, nor did we ever consider it.

But then, I like my parents, my siblings and their families, and I enjoy spending time with them. A birthday is a good excuse.

4

There is no event in my family (or my husband’s family) that is considered “unmissable” because of the type of event itself. I actively encouraged my husband’s brother and my best friend (practically a sister) to miss my wedding, because it happened at Thanksgiving time in Iowa, and each would have had to make an expensive, long trip at an inconvenient time to a cold, boring place. That said, even though I encouraged my sister to give it a miss, she decided it was worth it to attend, and I was touched by that.

The events that get deemed “unmissable” are generally deemed so by some passive-aggressive relative who decides at random that attendance at some event is required. For example, two summers ago, my mother rented a beach house for a week and then INFORMED me and my husband that we would be joining them for vacation that week, halfway across the country. She does this sort of thing once every couple of years, but it’s always a different event that becomes mandatory. My sister-in-law laid on a guilt trip that my husband and I should come for Thanksgiving this year…which conflicted with my mother deciding that Thanksgiving at the old family farm was mandatory for us this year. (We managed to make it to both.)

I imagine this kind of emotional blackmail is pretty common in families, but that the events it will apply to are pretty well understood. For us, it is random.

5

Considering most of my extended family is in Scotland I don’t attend anything.

As for immediate family here in Canada it’s tricky. I haven’t missed a funeral (dad and one cousin so far) but I have missed a cousin’s wedding (pregnant wife at the time) and the Christening of my nieces and nephews.

When your family is spread out all over the place it’s expected that you’ll miss some occasions, and there’s no hard feelings.

ETA: Oh, I did miss a the funeral of a cousin’s baby (SIDS). Again due to pregnant wife.

6

I try not to miss events if I can help it. I love weddings and birthdays and cookouts and such.

My cousin got married September 13, and I didn’t go to that. I was the “designated family member” who stayed home with my mother, as my father had been killed the day before. My poor cousin had been one of the trauma nurses who tended him, then the next day she got married. The wedding had already been moved us so my aunt, her mother, could be there. Said aunt was dying of cancer.

I love my family, we are pretty tight knit, and do our best to go to events. But there was an exception just last night.

My other aunt was in town and had asked us all to a family dinner at a popular local restaurant. I didn’t feel like going, as I’d had a truly rotten day at work, and Christmas had been so sad without my father. But I was supposed to drive my mom so we did arrive. I told my mom on the way I didn’t want to go but would endure it. My aunt has always been kind of pushy, but she lives out of town so I only have to put up with her in small doses.

She had a seating arrangement set out, and began to hint that certain ones of us were together because of “something special” I was one of “the chosen” and suddenly realized it must be about birthdays. Several of us have birthdays, but I’ve been so depressed this holiday season(I didn’t even send out cards, and I love to) I hated to think of my upcoming day(12/31) I told her no birthday for me, no singing for me or anything, and she started to get pissed, telling me that I had to put up with it, as the other gals had missed theirs too. I couldn’t help myself, I began crying. Her husband told her to back off from me but she started saying things like “her name is on the damn cake!” I couldn’t take it and told my mother I was leaving. That really set my aunt off. So my sister drove me and my mom home. I took my own car and drove to my house, although they were concerned about me. I did stop at a liquor store on the way and got a bottle of wine, went home, and drank the whole damn thing by myself. Sis and mom went back to the restaurant, as there were a couple of relatives from my dad’s side of the family that were there.

Later in the evening my other sister called and said she’d missed seeing me. She hadn’t arrived until after I left. Her voice held only concern. Mom and I had agreed that anyone who asked would be told I wasn’t feeling well. I sincerely thanked her for her concern, and told her only “just don’t believe anything (Aunt) says about why I left.”

My aunt didn’t care about me. If she had she wouldn’t have tried to force me into something when I was so obviously unhappy to start with. She just wanted to pretend things hadn’t changed. I’d heard her say, before I left, Our family has had birthdays for over fifty years and we can’t change now!" I’m sure she blames me for everything.

I can’t ever remember anything like this before.

Good God, I have just looked at what I’ve written. Where did all that come from? Sorry to spew out like this.

In conclusion, I don’t miss family events if I can help it, but last night I couldn’t.

7

Anything on mothers side of the clan. It doesn’t matter what it is, its going to end with one or more drunken brawls. Usually if I do anything its the funerals and then basically just the service and gone before (I kid you not) the first punch gets thrown.

8

Funerals. I’ll travel for funerals.

That’s it. If you get married, I’ll send you a present and save you the expense of feeding me at the reception. That’s what people want anyway.

9

One of my sisters is always having parties - birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, first-lawn-mowing-of-spring - stuff like that. I’ve never been particularly close to her, despite sharing a bedroom for 18 years, but I felt like I needed to attend her events.

No longer. They’re always pretty much the same, and full of people I don’t know. Her husband always drinks too much, then expounds on his various opinions and philosophies until he needs to go out for a cigarette. And apart from saying hello or answering direct questions, my sister doesn’t bother to talk to me. I figured out she wouldn’t miss me if I opted out, so now I do. In fact, I think she’s got an event today, or maybe it was yesterday. No matter - I don’t need to make the 90 minute drive to stand around in her basement…

10

Pretty much everything is " must attend if possible". By this, I mean I might not attend if I have a previous , equally important commitment (if my cousin is getting married the same weekend as my husband’s cousin we might might only be able to attend one, depending on the times and locations. But if one cousin is getting married the same weekend as another cousin is having an anniversary, I’m going to the wedding) ) if for some bizarre reason, I can’t get the necessary time off from work or if a more distant relative is having a destination wedding ( if my nephew gets married in Hawaii, I’ll be there, but maybe not a cousin). I wouldn’t not attend just because I don’t feel like driving that far, or even because that was my last free weekend for a month or two.

But it’s not because I think any one will get mad at me if I don’t attend - they won’t. It’s because my husband and I both have very large, extended families and for the most part, these are the only times we can all get together.

11

We’ll go to most major family events if at all possible. Weddings, funerals, etc. We’ve missed a few for what I think are good reasons. We have a lot of cousins, and sometimes their weddings were far away and at bad times for us.

12

Weddings, funerals, and Christmas.

13

…just don’t ever admit which of the first two you asked for at the latter. :smiley:

14

I have ended up missing more things lately. My son is autistic. My husband works at a start up. I work full time. I’d say 98% of the family job falls to me too (cooking, cleaning, shopping, dealing with kids). It’s just the way it is right now. I just don’t have the mental energy to organize everything for a trip. Pet sitters, pack, all of that good stuff. Let alone drive somewhere.

So we missed my cousin’s baby shower/early Christmas in LA that my uncle organized because she’s unable to travel right now. It would have been great to see everyone and I feel guilty for missing it, but a weekend trip to LA is just not happening. I barely got the tree up and decorated.

I might make a sibling’s wedding, but fortunately she’s already done that!

15

I try to go. I was in Europe when my brother got married and it was in a Catholic church whice displeased me enormously. I was in Europe about to go to a meeting when my father died suddenly and unexpectedly (cardiac infection–that’s right not infarction). I flew back mainly to support my mother. Fast forward 22 years. My mother was in the last throes of Parkinson, utterly incoherent and apparently unresponsive. I had a meeting to go to in Europe. I said goodbye to her as best I could and flew off. Sure enough she died. I decided my absence wouldn’t bother her. My stepfather never forgave me. Nearly 16 years ago, my brother died. Not unexpectedly. I did go to a memorial service (he was cremated).

Since I have always lived at least 500 miles from my family, I rarely go to other things. Although I happened to be in Philly when a cousin was bat mitxvah and I went to that. But that’s about it.

16

Boy, we have a dull life, even though my wife is Italian. They are much more emotional than my family. In answer to the question, Rule of Thumb (from my father) was that if the trip (one way) takes longer than the event, stay home and send a card. Our combined families are scattered over North America, so this seems to work. We haven’t gotten much flak about it. All the funerals (so far) have been fairly close (within an hour or two), so we have gone to them. Weddings a mixed bag, other things (christenings, showers, etc) only if they’re close.

17

(a little off topic, but interesting anyway: )

Since this thread is about being invited, I’d like to mention a related concept : being “ex-vited”.

The word was invented by a somewhat obscure journalist named Wim van Leer in his autobiography. He was estranged by his family, lived in a different country, and never tried to contact them. But they hated him so much that they kept track of him and would mail him formal “EXvitations”, with details of time date and place, stating there was, for example, a cousin’s wedding scheduled, and he was requested not to attend.
:slight_smile:

18

This is sort of how I look at things, too. When we were in Florida, we didn’t just pop up to Baltimore for any old occasion. I did make the trip twice for my grandparents’ funerals, once alone, once with my daughter. And all of us went for my dad’s funeral. But when my dad’s 3 sisters died (separately and years apart) as well as one cousin, I didn’t go.

Now that we’re living within 2 hours of my family, I may gather with them more often, but the time and expense of the drive (including tolls) figures into the calculation and sometimes tips the balance.

Visiting the inlaws in Florida has come down to “Dad’s having surgery again…” and often, my husband will go alone on those occasions to help his parents. We will do either Christmas or Thanksgiving with them. But they’ve never expected us for birthdays or their anniversary.

19

I am happy to skip any family event at all for the flimsiest of reasons. If I can make it and want to go, I go, otherwise I skip it.

Weddings in particular have risen to the top of the do not go list. Many years ago I never missed one but lately every wedding seems to involve a day or two day’s travel to get there, paying for accomodation, sundry transport problems and a wedding thrown in. Both my nephews weddings would have required me to take several days off work. And I’m no great fan of weddings anyway.

20

Once a year I have to go out to Mr Boods’ parents’ house for the Christmas thing. I find this completely alien, as my family totally did not do this or any of the other social stuff many families seem to do* (we put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional), and my immediate response to

‘Drive for 3 hours at one of the worst travel times of the year, incorporating the M25, to visit with people who will invariably have stinking colds that I can’t afford to get, and to sit around for hours while they ring the changes on how many Facebook friends they now have’

is

‘Aw hell no!’

but he insists. It’s baffling and strange to me, but he’s all about family obligations, gift-giving, all that stuff. I have been known to slip away unnoticed and go upstairs to read a book for a while until he comes looking for me.

*Let’s put it this way, Mr Boods came to visit me in the US a few years back when I was living with and looking after my mum. A few days into his visit, we were sat around looking at Jeopardy or something, and I said to my mum, ‘Oh, by the way, Mr Boods and I got married a couple of days ago.’

Her reaction: ‘Huh. Ok.’