Go. Maybe he’s changed. If not, I agree with the others to prepare to make a quick getaway.
It doesn’t hurt to be prepared. I really don’t get the nitpicking.
As always, Muffin is wise! 
But, uh no… 70 dollars a month times nine years in one lump sum would be nice, but 70 dollars of stress per month in dealing with him is less than half a day’s work…after taxes. I would PAY that to keep him away for another nine years.
Again, why not simply call him instead of fretting and constructing elaborate escape procedures. You knew him for some time and had a child with him, he’s not a stranger. A short discussion will let you gauge the real world threat level or lack thereof. If his demons still appear to have him it will give you a more useful handle on how to proceed than pure speculation.
Go, with the attitude that it should be a happy occasion in all ways for all concerned.
Be prepared for other eventualities, but don’t be the one to bring even a little bit of poison to the punch bowl, with negative expectations and a tense posture.
Indeed, but he may well be none of those things. Won’t your son meet his (biological) father eventually? Pretty likely, given the relationship with grandma, right? Given that assumption, maybe a context like this, with extra people around who ought to support him behaving himself, is the ideal scenario for a first encounter.
Go, and be prepared to leave - like others have said - but with more specifics:
Your ex’s antics aren’t your problem, exactly, but you are a mother and you seem to value some of the other people there, and seem to care that whatever happens is not hurtful to your son or at least some of the other probable guests. If you want to try to care for these other people, which I could support, then some of this actually IS your problem, unfortunately and through no fault of your own.
I think you could try to engineer a reserve plan of being able to leave quickly, like avoiding any specific commitments for things that are happening later on in the day, and like making sure your car doesn’t get boxed in. You might even plan to leave on the early side so you can avoid the hours most likely tainted by drinking. You could also prepare a little bit by discussing the effects you want to have and want not to have with a couple of other wise and trustworthy participants, who could help be on the lookout for things going wrong - NOT to stack the deck against your ex, but to build a little robustness into the setup and to extend your eyes and ears and spot the warning flags earlier.
That done, you should go and make the best of it all. This is my vote.
False dichotomy. Just because he sounds normal on the phone doesn’t mean he won’t be drunk when he shows up or otherwise make a scene. IT might be a good idea to call him and see if he’s going to come, but all plans still need to be in place, even if he says no. (The OP can just be a little less vigilant, which might be worth it.)
And kudos to the OP for even thinking about this from her son’s perspective. I know many people who would not do this.
I hope it is okay to bump my own thread for an update.
My mother in law got in touch with my ex a few weeks ago when he had not responded to the RSVP for the event. His position was “If SHE (mona lisa simpson) is going then I’m not.”
He kept his word.
The event was lovely and tasteful. People from across Canada and the US were there, as well as my mother in law’s sisters from Europe, and her boyfriend’s sisters and nieces and family from other countries in Europe were there. My partner my son and I were there, greeted well. There were speeches, and while several people got up to talk about her boyfriend, no one really got up to speak about my Mother in Law… not her son or her 14 year old granddaughter.
So I did, with only a few minutes and no paper I composed an impromptu speech. I commented that family is not just who you are born to, but it is the people with whom you connect and make lasting relationships, and that I am glad to count her as part of my family. It so happened I was last, and people commented on how elegantly I wrapped everything up.
I just wanted this woman to feel loved and appreciated by her family, and since she would not recieve that kind of speech from her sons, it was up to me.
We all had a wonderful time, and my son got to meet relatives in far flung countries, so it was completely positive. I want to thank the Dopers who encouraged me to go and not worry about the ex husband.
Aw, thank you for the update and for the wonderful tribute to her! The family you make, indeed.
Go. Much better to regret going if things don’t work out than to regret not going.
This, except that I would add that you should plan an exit ahead of time. Park close, have your things together and ready to go, maybe have a phrase you all understand to mean “let’s get out of here.” That way you will not have to debate your next move in front of others, particularly the child.
edit: Dang it, didn’t read the whole thread and missed the update. Gald to hear it went well.
This, though I would suggest that the site’s staff be advised in advance. They will have a lot of experience in dealing with such people.
Folks, read to the end of the thread! The OP bumped it to say she went, the ex wasn’t there, there was no drama, and everyone had a great time.
Wow, good on you! Seriously, that must’ve meant the world to her.
Sheer coincidence: I was thinking about the bolded part this morning. I need to get in touch with my lovely aunt, who divorced my uncle, but to me will always be my aunt. You have reminded me how important it is that I do that, thank you!
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Hi people. Sorry for the confusion, but yes, this thread is now outdated. I went, no ex husband, showed up, no scenes and no issues. My son, age 9 wore his first suit and looked like a million bucks. I just wanted to share the outcome with all the wonderful dopers who encouraged me to go. Thank you.