Here is the situation. My ex-husband and I are on very friendly terms (for example, I’m going to DC to visit him this weekend) and when I found out that he’d started seeing someone I was overjoyed. He really deserves to be happy and the woman he’s seeing seems to be ideal for him. The problem is that she has 4 kids, one of whom is 16 years old and has some problems. Like violent tendencies, refusing to go to school, etc. He’s spent several weekends in juvie lockup recently.
My ex is thinking that if things go well, he and his girlfriend might move in together when his lease is up next winter. I really think this would be great for him, but it would mean that all those kids would be sharing a roof as well. I’m concerned about what that means for when my son (age 15) goes to visit his dad. I’m worried about him spending a week or a month with this older boy who has these tendencies. I’m worried that A) his violent nature will turn against my son, who can present himself as an easy victim for bullying or B) some of his rebelliousness will rub off on my son, who doesn’t like school and has some emotional immaturity issues to begin with.
I want my ex to be happy, and ultimately I think that this new woman is going to be the person to make him happy. However her oldest son’s potential interaction with my own son worries the crap out of me. Am I just being paranoid?
I think it’s very reasonable to worry about the outcome of this situation. Moving in with new step-siblings can be challenging for even the most problem-free kids.
But, your son is 15 years old. You don’t have much say in who he hangs out with or chooses to emulate at this age, and in the next three years you’re going to have less and less. Trying to ensure he doesn’t have prolonged contact with this particular bad influence might cause resentment against you for your interference (from your ex, his GF, your son).
I’d definitely communicate your concerns to your ex, once the move-in and the boys spending time together becomes more certain. He’ll probably share them to some degree, and if he’s a good dad he’ll keep a close eye on the situation.
Don’t be too paranoid just yet. A lot could change in the next 6 months.
In addition to talking to your ex about it, I would sit down before hand and have a talk with your son. Not to lay down the law (his age plus the distance will mean you can’t control what he will do) but to share your fears with him just as you’ve told them to us. Tell him that you trust him to make good decisions (even if you don’t :)). If you treat him like a good, mature kid, he is more likely to act like one and distance himself from the other kid’s bad influences.
Of course he should also be told to talk to his dad at any moment he feels threatened by the other kid as well.
I agree with **rhubarbarin[\b] - at 15 your son has already formed the foundation of the man he is going to become. A teenager who is a year older and who has spent time in Juvie is nothing to worry too much about, your son - in high school = most likely knows kids just like the one you are talking about. Concerns are understandable, just breathe!
Just frame the step-brother with a crime that will get him locked-up for a long time - problem solved! Muahahaha
But seriously, if your kid is generally a good boy, chances are the bad-boy step brother won’t want anything to do with him, if for no other reason, for fear of getting narc’ed on.
QFT. Your kid has friends and/or acquaintances who skip school, smoke pot, get in (or will get in) fist fights, have premarital sex, blah blah blah… he has probably already had to make the conscious choice to participate or not participate a few times over by now.
Just talk to him honestly and let him know what your expectations are, i.e., that he go to school every day even if he doesn’t love it, it’s never ok to shoplift, don’t ever get in a car with someone who has been drinking, etc… Hopefully he will be honest with you in return, and feels comfortable sharing that kind of stuff with you.
I disagree with this: a teenage boy might be totally sane and make good choices at home where he is surrounded by friends who share his values and priorities, but act very differently in a strange, awkward situation like being the step-kid in a family of five for a week. There would be a lot more pressure to make a good impression, and “good impression” might mean being gung-ho for whatever the step-brother suggests.
“Violent tendencies” is a mite vague: could mean he once threw a textbook out of frustration with this homework, could mean he tried to set the house on fire.
A teenager who refuses to go to school isn’t ezzactly earth-shattering, if that helps bring any perspective, OpalCat. Without knowing more details, however, I’d say you’re right to be maybe a bit worried about (potential) bullying (your “easy victim” remark) but it’s important to keep in mind that your son is also exposed to bullies and potential bad influences right there at the very school you force him to attend each day, as has been pointed out upthread.
I did, however, get a bit of a lol at the idea of a 15-year-old with “emotional maturity issues.” Isn’t that pretty much the definition of a normal 15 YO with standard development?
A one-month visit seems to indicate that your Ex would be working during the week, yes? That would concern me. These two boys alone in the house 9-10 hours per day could end badly indeed. And if newboy has already had a lot of trouble then your son could be pressured to say/do nothing as the response might be based upon an aggregation of offences, rather than just on the one incident. (i.e. "If I/he get(s) in trouble again it’ll be juvie for sure.)
So I guess my answer is that the normal rules of supervision fro 15-16 year olds don’t apply here, and Ex would have to satisfy me that Son will have an ally within calling distance at all times.
Handled correctly though, it could actually be beneficial for him to get a first-hand look at someone whose bad decisions are beginning to roll up on them. He may be able to see down the path a bit before making the same/similar choices.
That would require a great deal of opennes on Ex&Girlfriend’s part. They would need to be willing to share with Son the actions newboy took and the consequences he’s experiencing.
I would worry if the 16 year old is left alone with your son for some time. It’s actually quite difficult to avoid social pressure, so your son might not be able to say no to the 16 year old suggesting to do something illegal. The bullying might be another problem depending on the character of both kids - the 16 year old’s “violent tendencies” and your son’s ability to deal with bullying.
I would want to know what kind of tendencies the 16 year old actually has. I’ve had lots of family friends with violent tendencies who treated me nicely because they treat everyone within their family with respect. While it’s not certain your son will be improperly influenced, I would be pretty concerned.
I don’t agree that public school has taught your son how to deal with delinquents. The delinquents in public school can easily be avoided. The delinquents in your home can’t.
True. The friends of this kid may well become the friends of your son and that probably won’t be good. It’s not like he will have any other friends when he visits his dad, correct?
It doesn’t sound like you can do much directly but you can discuss the situation with him and his dad. Find out how your son feels about the situation and get a feel for whether he would be hanging around with the problem kid. Is you son the kind of person who would be drawn to him or repelled?
In high school, I had friends or acquaintances who did all of the above, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t know anyone who’d spent time in juvenile detention. I would guess it takes involvement in something a bit more serious than any of those to wind up there, so I’d treat this as a new and more problematic situation.
Also, even if your son does know people in his high school who’ve wound up in juvie lockup, he probably isn’t faced with having to spend large quantities of time with them.
I don’t think you are being paranoid. I would keep my son the hell away from that situation. It has nothing at all to do with how happy your ex might be. He can just suck it up until he can provide an environment free from such potential bad influences/outcomes.
To be a little more clear, as an example, the 16 year old recently broke a chair during an argument with his mom. Both he and his mom were physically abused by his step-dad (she’s in the process of divorcing him) and he learned some behaviors there, I think. He tries to intimidate/dominate his mom now.
I’m mainly concerned about things like summer vacation where at least in the past my son has spent his time alone at the apartment while his dad was working… I can only assume the older boy would be home as well. I doubt her younger kids would be home alone given that I don’t think their mom would trust her oldest to watch them effectively.
My son has a history of being bullied in school and he’s one of those hypersensitive kids who lets every slight and insult get to him, and tends to lose his temper (though not necessarily violently) and freak out when people pick on him–which is naturally what the bullies are going for and so it just makes them do it more.
We live in a small town and the high school is very small and for the most part I don’t think there is much of a “bad element” there. The town overall has almost no crime to speak of and the school is very highly ranked. I’m sure there are a few bad seeds but I doubt he is in very much contact with those sorts of people very often.
Hold the phone. This woman is “in the *process *of divorcing” a man who physically abused her AND (at least one of) her kids? And she’s already in the process of making plans to start shacking up with a new man? Look, OpalCat, your ex is not here asking for my advice, but dayum there’s a big ol’ pile of red flags there …
All the more reason he will know right from wrong, and know if he is being manipulated into something he does not want to do [while he is there over the summer]. Is his father’s take on the son the same as yours? Is he willing to confront said 16 yr old? DO we even know there would be a problem? What does your son say at this point?
If he does go for a visit I would make sure he has a credit/debit card or whatever and can leave at any time. And probably a good warning about stepbrother. It sounds like your ex will keep an eye out for him.
I hope the kid doesn’t interfere with your ex’s chances at a good relationship, but it wouldn’t be the first time. So cool to read somebody who’s so close to their ex.
OK, sorry, no way would I put my child into that situation. My voice to the choir that Ex is making a bad decision getting so involved so soon.
Whether she should be dating is a matter for personal values. (My own rule is that I don’t date anyone whose ever been marreid until they are at least six months past being legally divorced.) Whether he needs to become financially involved with her and the welfare of her children is another matter entirely. Just. plain. stupid.
This situation has the potential to become extemely dysfunctional and fast. I’d say a week’s visit at most, and only if Ex stays home for the week.
to attend each day, as has been pointed out upthread.