Ever since I got divorced about 5 years ago, Dominic has been living with me and going for visits to his dad (out of state). We’ve moved twice in that time and will be moving again after next year, because of my husband’s medical school and now his residency. Now he’s considering doing a fellowship after residency which will mean relocating somewhere else for a year before going on to move back to Atlanta where he wants to set up a practice.
So the next couple of years may include two out of state moves. Dominic is a freshman in high school this year, so that would mean moving after 10th grade and again after 11th grade. I think that’s too disruptive.
Add to that the fact that the next several years may be very tricky financially as my husband sets up his podiatry practice, or gets established in a group practice. Finding housing in a good school district is almost always more expensive as well, and without that concern we could really reduce our cost of living.
Dominic has been expressing a desire to live with his dad for a while now, and I think it may be a more stable environment for him. The only tricky part is that his dad is in a new relationship that looks to be turning serious. They are talking about moving in together. She has four kids, three of whom live with her. The eldest is 16 (a year older than Dominic) and has been in and out of juvie recently and has a lot of problems (he was abused by her ex-husband, his former stepdad). I think that living with the other two kids, who are by all reports very nice kids, would be good for Dominic, who has always been an only child. I am worried about his exposure to the eldest son, however. There is a chance that that one won’t be living with her much longer, however, due to some violent things he did recently.
If he did move in with his dad, it would be after next year, when we’re moving anyway.
I could use some advice and feedback on this situation to make sure I’m thinking about all sides of the issue… Thanks ahead of time…
The main thing I worry about is that other older kid. I don’t want to put my son in an unsafe environment…
Also, if it doesn’t work out, he can’t really come back, because we’ll be moving anyway and if he isn’t with us, we’ll be moving into a smaller place that wouldn’t have a bedroom for him.
I think you really really really need to have a bedroom for him, no matter what. I can’t imagine how he will feel if you downsize to the point where he can’t come back, or even where it looks like it would be a hardship to you for him to come back. I don’t think either parent, ever, should have a situation where they can’t accommodate their child, unless it is absolutely impossible to do so.
Missed the editing window, but on thinking about this further…what I said above seems especially relevant if you’re unsure of the situation with this older kid, and it may turn out to be trouble. I mean, seriously, you want to set up a circumstance where your son can’t come back to you if need be? That sounds like a terrible idea to me, it really does.
I don’t really like your tude about this. You seem to be down on your son’s father and the way he lives his life and how that will affect your son. However, you made choices that you know will negatively effect your son while he was still living with you. You keep saying the father doesn’t provide a good enviroment for your son, but neither are you when you knew he was going to be living with you. You’re coming off selfish and judgemental to me.
What? Where have I said anything bad about his father? He is one of my best friends in the whole world. I think he’s a great dad. I’m just concerned about this 16 year old kid who has gone to juvie multiple times for being violent against his mother, and who regularly does things like refuse to go to school.
Oh and as for the bedroom thing, what we were thinking was that when he’s with us, he’d stay in Dan’s room (my husband’s room) and Dan would sleep with me, which is what we do whenever we have other people visit. We don’t sleep in the same room, normally. I guess that if things absolutely didn’t work out, he could live in Dan’s room and Dan and I could share a room, it just wouldn’t be ideal.
I don’t know, Opal…I don’t think any of this sounds like a good plan, I really don’t. It doesn’t sound like a good idea for your son to go live with this woman he doesn’t know, and her kids he doesn’t know, especially with one of them being such a problem. It also doesn’t sound like a good idea for him not to have his own space in your home. None of it sounds like a recipe for stability and security for him. I would seriously rethink all of it if I were you.
The schools where his dad lives are really good, and his dad earns a good income. I like his girlfriend quite a lot and think she’d make a good step mom figure. I really struggle with the idea of moving him twice more before the end of high school. That just seems cruel… And like I said my husband and I could share a room and give Dominic Dan’s room if it came down to it. It just wouldn’t be ideal, is all, because of our different sleep schedules. Or we could have a room that was an office most of the time and Dominic’s room when he is there…
I just think that–16 year old kid aside–he’d be in a more stable environment living with his dad. And he does know his dad’s girlfriend, they’ve met several times and will have the whole next year to get to know each other better through visits…
OK, why does the room have to be anything other than Dominic’s room? You’re his mom. There should be a room for him where you are. The point isn’t just having a place to stash him, the point is that he feels welcome, that he can come back any time, and that your home is his home. He’s not an adult going off to college or getting his own apartment, he’s still a kid and he needs to feel secure that there’s a place for him.
As far as his dad’s girlfriend, he really doesn’t know her…meeting several times is nothing considering he’s going to be living with her and she will be taking over some of the mother role. I’m sure she’s very nice, but you don’t know what her judgment is like. Her kid was abused by her husband, you know? I mean, thank god she got him out of that situation, but you don’t really know what it’s going to be like for Dominic to live with these people.
I’m not saying you shouldn’t give it a try, I agree that moving around while in high school sucks. But you need to have a contingency plan for if it doesn’t work out. Please, please be sure you have a room for him.
OK I think the consensus is that he needs to have a room regardless of where he’s living. His room that he currently has at his dad’s house is mostly used for storage at this point, so I figured we could have a dual purpose room if he wasn’t living with us, but maybe that isn’t the best idea. Or we could do like I said and give him Dan’s room if he comes back. I mean most married couples do share the same room–it wouldn’t be impossible.
ISTM the other obvious option is that you and your husband live apart while your son is still in high school. Or, your husband limits his career moves to what is within commuting distance. I think it’s completely untenable to have your son switch schools for both junior and senior years, and if you don’t trust your ex’s home environment, well, this is another option. Married people do this all the time, and for this exact reason, the last 2 years of high school are a pretty crappy time to pull a kid out of school.
Yeah, I would seriously consider that if I were in Opal’s shoes, sugar and spice. I swear, you are so sensible. It’s tough to live apart…I know, because my husband had a full-time traveling job for 10 years…but I think if it’s the best thing for the kid, it might be the thing to do.
Why don’t you ask him how he would feel about moving so many times? I add my voice to those who think it’s imperative to keep a place for him in the new house. He might feel abandoned otherwise.
He’s 15. I think that’s old enough to take his opinion into consideration. If he says he wants to move in with his father, ask him why. If the reasons are persuasive, give it a shot, but remember that you can not be sure how permanent the situation will be. If he has trouble, he needs to know that he can count on you. If he displaces someone by coming back, it will just cause resentment and tension. You need to create a situation where he will not be displacing your husband if your son needs to come back to you. Letting him take your husband’s room is a terrible idea, in my opinion.