Your ex needs to find a new friend without baggage. I’ll tell you she is giving him the wildest sex and treating him like a god to snare him and that doctor’s income…do your ex a favor by telling him what she’s up to… Maybe set him up with a different husband hunter, only one without baggage.
And if your son knows this now, you’ve just told him you are kicking him out. He needs to know he always has a home. Make sure you have a bedroom for him, even if it’s your exercise room, your arts/crafts room, or whatever. He needs to know he will have a bedroom waiting for him.
I agree that it’s worth a shot, with a chaser of caution. And absolutely keep a room that’s just his. I mean, you can sneak a sewing machine in there when he’s not home, but don’t let him think he’s sleeping in “the sewing room”, y’know? Clean out anything not his that you put there before he comes over. I agree that he needs a place that’s his in your home. Ironically, knowing that he has that option may make it more likely that he won’t need it - if he knows he can come back to you any time without a huge upheaval, he might be more inclined to stick it out if things get a little rough - as it’s bound to do as they all learn to live together.
I do think that since Dominic has been expressing an interest and there is going to be all this upheaval in your own living arrangements, it’s a good time to try it out. (Assuming Dominic’s dad is eager, of course.) Mid-teens is a time when boys need their dads a lot, even if they won’t admit it. And who knows - influences go both ways…perhaps Dominic will be a *good *influence on his step-brother, instead of the step-brother being a bad influence on him, you know? Keep an eye on it, sure, but things could go really well for all of you here.
The ex is not the doctor her current husband is.
I’d let the kid live with his dad, especially since he is expressing interest in it, until shit hits the fan with the older bad kid or he just wants to come back to live with you.
I think a dual purpose room would be best because what if you guys just get a two bedroom place, one for you and one for Dan, with the intent that when he comes to visit he can just temporarily take Dan’s room but what if after a few months he decides he wants to permantly move back in with you guys then you guys would just have to move to a three bedroom place anyways.
My stepdad, before he and my mom moved in together, had a three bedroom apartment so when my stepbrothers came to live with him on the weekends they each had their own bedroom. He could have just gotten a one bedroom place and let the kids sleep on an air matress or the couch but he thought it was important that they had their own bedrooms so it felt more like a home when the came over. This is the mindset I am coming from.
Also this.
I would agree with that. At the least, I’d assume he’ll continue to come for visits for more than a day or two; for a day or two he could kip on the sofa but for anything longer, that would get uncomfortable for everyone. Even if the second bedroom was a tiny “den” with a Murphy bed.
When I went to college, my mom immediately appropriated my bedroom to put crap in. When I came home, either to visit or for the mandatory winter vacation from my dorm, I had to sleep on the couch. She managed to cram me back into the room for summer break, along with all of my stuff and a bunch of her stuff that wouldn’t fit anywhere else (her shit expands to fill any available space).
I made sure, the next school year, to live in upperclassmen housing which allowed me to stay over Christmas break, and made arrangements to work for the school over the summer and live on campus for greatly reduced rent. I stopped visiting my mom’s house except at Christmas–and rarely stayed overnight, ever again.
Obviously at the time this happened, I was older than your son is, but it made me feel unwelcome in what I still considered my home/legal residence. It was sufficiently alienating for me to swear never to do that to a child of my own.
A lot of good advice on this thread, Opal. I agree with your reasoning EXCEPT regarding the issue of a bedroom for your son. If you choose to live in a smaller apartment, have that second bedroom (the one you call yours) be your son’s bedroom in name. Let him know that you’ll use it when he’s not around, but it’s his bedroom. Decorate it in a way that confirms it’s a young man’s room. You have to convince him that he’s always welcome at your place, that it is also his home.
Dominic definitely shouldn’t move schools every single year. That’s a recipe for him to never get an education after high school and likely only work menial jobs.
I wouldn’t let him live with a delinquent either - and that’s coming from someone whose 16 year old brother (now 20 year old mostly reformed brother) was a horrid little juvie delinquent. He’ll beat Dominic up, get him into drinking/drugs or at the very least mentally abuse the shit out of him.
I don’t think you’re up for living apart from your husband and staying put - which is no doubt the best option for Dominic hands down. You married a guy you fully knew would be moving around a lot with little regard for your son. That’s fairly self-centered (not uncommon for those with bipolar disorder which IIRC you have) so I suspect you’d rather get on with your personal life and new husband and have Dominic out of the picture and with his Dad, who already has (or will soon have) 3 kids under the same roof.
Has anyone asked Dominic’s dad if he wants Dominic to move in?
I don’t like this idea, either, though. Because then she never has a room of her own, either. Hubby has a room, kid has a room, mom’s stuck in limbo between them.
Frankly, I think it’s weird that Opal and hubby can’t deal with having separate beds in the same room, if money is such a big problem right now. You’d rather eliminate your kid’s bedroom than sleep in the same room with your husband? Really? It sounds so selfish. Significant others sleeping in separate rooms sounds like a wholly unnecessary luxury, whereas eliminating your kid’s bedroom is… skinflinty. Putting those two things together makes it sound a whole lot like you value your own luxury over your kid’s NEEDS. Not cool.
I think you should let Dominic make the final decision here, Opal. But please keep the option of him moving back in with you open. That could mean keeping one of your bedrooms as shared space so he can have his own space while visiting, and moving to a larger place to give him his own room if he decides to move back in with you.
I don’t really agree that he has to have a private room in your house reserved only for his use with only his things in it, if he doesn’t live with you full-time. But I’m coming from the perspective of a kid of who often didn’t have a private room (or bed even) in the homes I’ve lived, and I don’t think every child is entitled to that everywhere they might stay with their parents, or that they will be miserable or deprived without it.
:smack:
Didn’t the kid already go through, at some point, exactly the same process with Opal’s current husband? Opal seems to generally trust dad and like dad’s girlfriend, so this really seems to be unfairly reaching for an objection.
This, of course, is ridiculous. Again, Opal herself had “baggage” when she got with her present husband.
I agree that Opal should be prepared for the possibility that things won’t work out somehow, and her son may need to move back with her. But I don’t see any reason to not do it.
Good grief. Busybody alert!
If a kid hasn’t had his own space in the past, I would agree with you. People are pretty adaptable, and certainly in much of the world, a kid having his own bedroom is unheard of, and not even desirable. It’s the change that I’m worried about. If he’s had his own space and loses it at the same time as this experiment, it’s a pretty clear signal that his mom is “done” with him, and that’s…ouchy. It’s ouchy enough for kids who go away to college and come back to find their bedroom an office, but for a kid 4 years younger…well,* I’d* have been hurt by it, that’s all I can say.
Hm? You mean asking a question on a message board may not yield the answers one wants to hear? What a shocker.
Yeah, that’s the thing…it’s not the room so much, it’s the message it’s sending. “Well, we’re married now, time to ship you off to your dad’s house and downsize to a place that’s just for the two of us.” Bad, bad, bad message to send to a teenager.
I’m not trying to reach for objections, I’m trying to advocate for this kid. Yes, the kid DID go through this already, with Opal’s current husband. He’s had to go through a lot, actually, the separation and divorce of his parents, his mother remarrying, moving around a bunch. Now they want him to either move in with a whole bunch of virtual strangers or face more moving around, just as he’s getting into high school. I’m sorry, but IMO neither situation sounds like a great option…how much upheaval does one kid need in his life? I’m slightly more inclined to say send him to his dad’s, but sure as hell not make it seem as though he’s not welcome back.
Have you ever been married to someone on a different sleep schedule? Where they come into bed (and wake you up) in the middle of the night? And then your alarm wakes them up halfway through their sleep? Do you have any idea how hard it is to never get a good night’s sleep, ever? It’ll ruin your work, your marriage, and your sanity. A good night’s sleep is a NEED. A stronger one than keeping a room preserved for someone who will rarely use it, if money is that tight.
I’m sorry, but I’m married to a shiftworker-- one who carries a gun every day, something I think we’d all agree is better done when not sleep deprived. Goes the same for doctors. We sleep apart when we need to. I’m sick and tired of judgmental a-holes telling me how “weird” that is. If the OP needs two bedrooms then they need two bedrooms. End of story.
Though I do think they should have a third, for the kid. I speak from experience when I say that one person will probably end up on the couch, because after a certain number of days of tired, the couch starts to look awesome, and that will make the kid feel awkward. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having it be an office or something else in the mean time. It doesn’t need to be a shrine to him. He’s 16, not 6. He’ll follow the logic. He’d just need to know he could come back to it and turn it into a room for him if needs me.
I wonder about that though. Was she not the one who raised the 16 year old with all the problems?
I agree. The child should always come first.