This, right here, is BY FAR the best choice for the kid, who should come first. Please consider it.
That poor boy.
Are you prepared to pay child support? Because you should, if the child is not living with you.
Are you planning an informal arrangement, or are you going with a modification of the current custody order (assuming one exists)? In my state, if there is no agreement to modify custody, an order can only be modified upon a showing of a material change in circumstances, adverse to the best interest of the child. So if you change or obtain a custody order in favor of the father, you aren’t getting the child back unless the father cooperates, or you can show that something has changed since the order was entered, and that whatever has changed is bad for the child. It is pretty much irrelevant if your situation has improved. Other states may differ. May want to contact a lawyer in the appropriate jurisdiction…
Really good points, Oakminster.
Why isn’t this a deal-breaker? I hear parents always talking about how their child’s safety is the most important thing in the world - when did that get suspended? I’m not a parent, but I know that you don’t send your child into a KNOWN bad situation (and this qualifies as a known bad situation on more than one count).
I think it’s most presumptuous for anyone who doesn’t know all the people involved to say there is “no doubt” what the best option is. For that matter, the people involved can’t be certain; that’s why the thread is here.
But we’re told Dominic wants to live with the parent that he hasn’t had in his life as much. I think any kid in such circumstances is owed at least serious consideration to the possibility.
There is no way I could afford to stay where we are now (not even in a smaller place) without my husband’s income. We’re in the suburbs of Boston and it’s crazy expensive here. Once residency is over, I have to move whether it’s with my husband to where he’s going or to some third place elsewhere.
As has been mentioned, my ex isn’t a doctor.
Yes we’ve talked with him about it and he’s open to it.
She was married to an abusive man who beat her and the son. She divorced him but the damage to the kid seems to have stuck. Last I heard, he might not be coming back to live with her, though.
Ugh. Moving in with the new family sounds terrible absolutely terrible.
I would think the best option would be for you to move someplace cheap (Absolute Best case being near the bio dad so he can see him, without being exposed to the bad egg too often.) It would make things financially tight. But, the money saved by your husband getting a smaller place, combined with whatever you get from your ex for child support will hopefully be enough for 4 years in his high school.
The virtue of being near the bio dad is twofold He can see him often and you can go off and see your husband often, knowing that the bio dad is nearby to watch the son.
I can’t imagine moving a kid so many times through high school. Further, I can’t imagine sticking a kid into a home with a kid who already has problems and hoping for the best. Those seem like two bad choices.
Where’s the “we” in this equation? Sounds like you’ve already decided it’s just gonna be you. So you can have a nice, quiet life with your new (presumably younger) husband.
Now that was succinct.
Moving a kid once is hard enough. The Littlest Bluth moved just before this school year (he’s a sophomore) and he 1) is a bright kid, all honors classes with straight A’s 2) is an athlete and 3) was/is popular. He still isn’t comfortable in his own skin at his new school. Everything is different and strange and unfamiliar to him.
Dominic has none of these advantages: he’s got well-documented social anxiety problems as well as poor impulse control and subpar grades. He’s extremely sensitive to teasing and lashes out inappropriately as a result.
Might as well feed him directly to the wolves.
Then again, maybe the damage has already been done so, what the fuck, the parents may as well do what is best for them. I seriously can barely believe what I have read about what has gone on with that kid over the years.
~reminds self to never start a thread asking for any personal advice~
Yeah, people on this board seem to think they know everything about a situation based on what they see posted here. They don’t realize what a small window this board really provides.
No, I’m just saying that regardless of who is with me, I can’t stay here. It may be me, it may be Dominic and me, it may be the three of us; I can’t say. All I can say is that he will not be able to stay at his current high school for the whole four years because we can’t afford to stay in this town past Dan’s residency.
I feel bad that Dominic has had to move as often as he has, but it hasn’t been all bad. He’s been able to get a fresh start after being bullied at a previous school, for example.
If you and Dom decide to stay together . . .
- Could your husband live in an apt or something and send you guys money to help pay rent in the current town?
- Could you talk to the school officials and see if they will let you keep Dom in the school even if you have to move further out?
I don’t think he could send enough money for us to stay here, and I don’t think that there is much cheaper further out. This is just a really expensive part of the country.
How amenable would your husband be to delaying his fellowship/practice plans for three years? It’s also possible that he could just work for two years and save up enough that you and Dom could afford to stay in the area while he moves for his fellowship.
I’m suggesting these options because it doesn’t seem ideal to have your son switch high schools. As LindsayBluth pointed out, it’s going to be much harder for him to achieve his post-graduation goals (or at least, it would have been for me).
Wait, if I’m reading this correctly, it seems like your husband will only need to delay fellowship for two years . . . that doesn’t seem like such an insurmountable problem.
Also, keep in mind that his fellowship salary will likely be higher than his residency salary, enough so that he could possibly maintain a small apartment wherever he did his fellowship and still be able to keep you and Dom in this house.
Say what? :dubious:
People only know what the poster sees fit to share, and what is shared is often skewed to benefit the OP. (Not just you, Opal, the limitation applies to everyone.)
Really, the only people who can tell you whether your idea will work are the people directly involved.
Opal, have you considered an online high school for Dom? I know some kids who have done that when they struggled socially in school or faced multiple moves. It’s generally coordinated by the local high school (whichever district) if they participate. I know little about the technical details. Might it be an option for him?
I was thinking that, too.
If you want to dump your purse out here, don’t be surprised when people comment on what they see. No one is making Opal post here.
I grew up with an abusive man for a father and a battered woman for a mother. While it’s never right to blame the woman for the abuse, there can be a dynamic in place in which the woman (in general, not necessarily this particular woman) is not getting out and thus endangering her kids.
I certainly hope that the girlfriend has had counseling or whatever in order to learn better mothering skills. People can and do change, and I would want to address that in order to feel comfortable about having that person play this significant of a role in my son’s life.
Just my two cents, YMMV.