It’s what people find that isn’t necessarily there.
I can only speak from the perspective of a step mom. When I married my stepson’s dad, we were non-custodial parents. We never did NOT have a room dedicated as my stepson’s no matter where we lived. The dynamic in our child-rearing was that it was important for our son to have a place to call his own. Your own priorities may be different but it was important to us.
Have you considered the family dynamic with the girlfriend and her children. Usually one toxic person in the household doesn’t live in a vacuum and their behavior affects other sibs as well. Since Dom has been in a position of being bullied in the past, it’s possible that the girlfriend’s other children may also have aggressive/violent/disagreeable behaviors? Teenagers are like pack animals. When one is unbalanced, they all are anxious/unbalanced to some degree.
How much do you really know about girlfriend and her kids? Didn’t you say in a previous thread that your ex had only known the woman for a very short time before moving in together? It really doesn’t sound like a stable environment to place a child with existing social issues.
Would it simply be better for Dom to move with you and your new husband? Many military families move every year or two and those kids don’t grow up to be axe murderers. Having to move during high school isn’t a death sentence. If properly prepared, could he manage a stable high school experience in different schools?
If it comes down to who will be inconvenienced more, then I would have to really consider delaying your husband’s residency while Dom is in school.
No, you must be thinking of someone else. They don’t currently live together, they are considering moving in together sometime next year.
I’ve thought about the military family thing before, too. Somehow most of those kids manage.
I only have one thing to throw in this thread: I moved between my sophomore and junior years of high school, and that was the best damn move ever (prior to the one that brought me to where I am now, anyway). I got away from all the people that had been bothering me since middle school and made a fresh start. Changing schools is not always a disaster, occasionally it is a lifesaver.
whiterabbit, it worked like that when we moved from Georgia to Ohio. Moving from Ohio to Massachusetts wasn’t so bad, either, because the school in Ohio was completely unwilling to work with us and the school he’s in now is much better.
I’d never let my son move into a home with a violent, disruptive step-brother. No way, no how. Do not underestimate the influence a sibling can have, especially over a younger, impressionable teenager.
Yes, it’d be ideal if Dominic wouldn’t have to change schools every year. But I think the WORST case scenario is taking him out of your stable home into an unstable home. In a few short years, he will be out of your homes, hopefully in a college dorm. Do what you need to do to put his needs first and provide safety and stability at this critical point in his life. If that means moving into a separate apartment in a good school district apart from where your husband ends up, then that’s what it means. Most hospitals have cheap housing nearby for residents and fellows.
The easiest solution would be to talk to Dom’s father and see if he can delay moving in with this woman until his son gets out of high school. Or telling your ex-husband and son that you’re fine with him moving in with his father as long as the eldest son is not living in the same home.
It’s like your making excuses for the choices you’ve made and you’re going to make, rationalizing every step. Perhaps you don’t like what I’m saying but several others in this thread are saying the same thing: two bad choices, it’s your responsibility to provide a stable home environment for him till he graduates. Choices include living apart from your husband and moving to where your parents live/where you previously lived with Dominic, staying put and having your husband pay for your living expenses, asking your ex not to move in with this woman (not the greatest option or the most likely).
As for “somehow, military kids manage” - they often have higher rates of attachment issues, PTSD and anxiety later in life. They have stronger coping mechanism than the average kid but that’s because the family moves as a unit around the world. You’re divorced (huge stressor on the kids; many studies have shown kids develop more slowly socially and suffer problems in school) PLUS you’ve moved around the country independent of his father.
As I mentioned before, it’s hard enough on an average or above-average kid - Dominic clearly has special needs. He’s not tough or resilient like a family of military brats.
Ruby had some excellent things to say as well.
Have you considered giving him the option of home schooling? I’m not sure if you’re working or not, but given his age you could probably find him a home school course that he could do partially with you and partially on his own and perhaps hire a tutor for the most difficult subjects. That way he could stay with you in a safe environment and not have to worry about switching schools twice in 2 years.
I’m not sure “managing” should be the bar set here for Dominic’s education. Yeah, military kids manage, but I’m sure some of them had compromised opportunities by moving around a lot.
My parents moved around A TON before I was in high school, for largely the same reasons as you’re contemplating moving (residency, fellowships). I hated it, and I honestly feel like it stunted my social development, which was already stunted given that I was an only child with introvert tendencies.
I’m really glad that I did most of middle school and all of high school in one place. High school is really formative for college, which is really formative for the rest of your life. Spending all four years in one place allowed me to make relationships with faculty that otherwise would be fragmented, and really did give me more opportunities to shine.
What does Dom think of moving twice during high school?
Also, for your husband, I don’t think delaying a fellowship by 1-2 years is necessarily going to be that difficult. Particularly when the training process in general is like a billion years long. Not saying he necessarily has to do that, but it’s another option to seriously consider.
Oh, you can ask. Just don’t “ask for advice” when you’re not actually looking for advice.
Well open the window, because all I see here are three parents concerned more with their own happiness than the well-being of their kid. It’s plainly obvious, and even you have admitted it, that the two options presented are not good for the well being of your son.
Really, how ridiculously selfish are you all being in this situation?
Your husband wants to do a fellowship somewhere else and set up practice in a 3rd location. Those things are completely and totally optional. After his residency, he can open up shop in Boston or find a fellowship locally. The fact that moving a kid for the 3rd and 4th time in 6 years for such lacking reasons isn’t immediately rejected makes me angry.
Your ex can’t wait 2 years for delinquent to move out before moving in with new GF?
And you: “Maybe I’ll let him go live with Dad when it’s no longer convenient for my son to live with me”.
There should be one consideration here. The best interest of your son. If your son is in a good environment now, every effort should go to maintaining that. If your son would be better off with his Dad, then that process needs to start now. These other considerations about relationships and jobs need to be subordinated to the best interest of your son.
I’d definitely have my husband hold off on the residency elsewhere and practice in a third location. I’d also make damn sure my son never wondered if he was too expensive to care for. If the husband does decide to go off on the residency there would have to be a way to make do - maybe he lives in a shitty studio apartment in the bad side of town and eats ramen when he is there while you maintain the home you are currently living in. Maybe you clean offices a couple times a week to make up some cash.
If moving in with the dad is truly the most stable option, can he not wait to have the girlfriend move in? I wonder if he could put the brakes on a bit and spend a couple years really fostering a relationship and focusing on his son, making sure the son knows he is #1 to someone.
The vast majority of what I have read in this thread looks to be decent advice. Some of what I have read though definitely goes too far. I am not going to point out individual posts, other than the one I did of rachellogram’s…
But personally I would feel very uncomfortable going out on some of these limbs - like a few of the posters have here in this thread - without more information to base it upon. If someone cannot recognize and identify some of the posts that are too far out there, there’s something wrong with their modesty and sensitivity. My opinion.
And yeah, I would never ask for this kind of advice here - would expect too many holier-than-thou assholes to show up. Criticism, esp on this sort of subject matter should remain constructive, not be condescending.
Are there any other people who he would be able to live with?
When I was growing up one of my brothers friends lived with us for a year so he could graduate with his friends. His parents had to move for work reasons and he really didn’t want to leave his school.
I’m not going to comment on the situation. The OP will do what the OP will do. But this post could be me, so I’m here to say - I still faintly resent all of that moving around, too. Sure, it made me tougher, but I also lost a lot of the security I see kids have that have lived in one place all of their childhood.
What would you consider to be the constructive way to say “you (and others) are being selfish and putting your wants ahead of the kids needs”?
I’ve been on this board a while, and people with genuine problems get constructive, compassionate, and helpful responses. People creating their own problems or acting like shit towards other people get ripped by the “holier than thou assholes”.
By the way, in this case a lot of the people you decry as holier than thou assholes went through divorce or other marital problems as kids. It’s a shitty situation and does have an impact on your future. If the OP’s kid is in a psychiatrists office in the future, it’s almost certain that the story is going to begin with “My parents divorced at 9 and then I moved a bunch of times”.
[QUOTE=Gestalt]
My parents moved around A TON before I was in high school, for largely the same reasons as you’re contemplating moving (residency, fellowships). I hated it, and I honestly feel like it stunted my social development, which was already stunted given that I was an only child with introvert tendencies.
I’m really glad that I did most of middle school and all of high school in one place. High school is really formative for college, which is really formative for the rest of your life. Spending all four years in one place allowed me to make relationships with faculty that otherwise would be fragmented, and really did give me more opportunities to shine
[/QUOTE]
I’d agree with this idea too. I don’t exactly resent the moving around I did as a kid, and I think I actually got a lot out of it, but I do kind of envy people who grew up in one place and have roots that go back years. People seem more stable when they have grown up around people who’ve known them ‘for ever’, and have the ability to more easily build strong long-lasting relationships. (Not that I have none, of course, but I think people who are used to the idea of friendships that last decades rather than months or years find that sort of thing easier to maintain. Or I’m just flakey and rubbish, of course 
)
We moved one year before my daughter finished high school and it was to put it mildly a nightmare. We didn’t think we had a choice at the time, after the company we both worked for moved we were commuting 2.5 hours per day and paying over $600 a month in toll charges to get the commute down that low. Moving was clearly the right decision but my daughter paid the price.
She struggled in the new school and went from an A student who was aspiring to a challenging science program at Queens University to having a tutor for her Grade 12 Physics class.
She actually chose to move to her fathers house midway through the year and confessed months later that it was so she could drop out without me knowing. She knew that her father wouldn’t care and absolutely that he wouldn’t tell me.
She’s fine now. She’s attending a university dedicated to art and design and doing very well. It took her two years to confess to dropping out, and she didn’t do so until she’d finished writing her equivilency exam and getting her diploma. All things considered however I wish I’d sucked it up for another year of the commute.
A third option we’ve discussed is me moving to Atlanta with Dominic and living with Dan’s mom until Dan finishes his fellowship and joins us. She lives in a really good school district (the one Dan grew up in) so there’s that.