That sounds like it might be an option.
Just wanted to add that no matter what you decide there should always be a place for him that’s his in your house. It doesn’t need to be a full bedroom if that’s unafforable but there needs to be a clear indication that even if he doesn’t live there fulltime there is always a place for him.
I don’t understand why staying where you are isn’t under consideration. Almost all of my friends from high school I met as a freshman. Moving during high school is very damaging, imho. High school is where you start to create your first real long term friendships. Friendships that revolve around actual emotions and shared connections instead of ‘play dates’. Hitting the reset button half way through on all those relationships isn’t healthy.
It seems like the issue is cost. Although that could be addressed if her husband delayed doing a fellowship.
Does this seem fishy to anyone else? She was stuck between two really bad options when this was an option from jump. :eek: I’m not buying it…
This is such a train wreck. I’d love to see if OP’s son deals with any of his “parents” when he’s adult. I don’t think I would if I were in his shoes.
If there is enough money to move twice in two years, there is enough money to stay in one place for three.
It can do a lot of damage to a doctor’s career and future earning power to delay a fellowship. I don’t know of anyone who delayed one–you either did one or didn’t.
How many of you would want to live with your in-laws while your husband or wife is in another state? Talk about feeling like you don’t belong…
And I’m not sure what it’s like now, but in residency and fellowship years, my mom (think early to mid-90s as far as my time frame of reference) made mid-five figures. A nice middle class salary, but nothing that could afford two residences without help. Hell, they still rented until she was two years in.
So while the options many of you are putting forth are the best options in a perfect world, we don’t live there. I think that provided the delinquent is out, he would be okay living with his dad and her girlfriend. If he isn’t out, and Rob is willing to delay joining the two households because of it, that’s good too. And if he lives there, you can afford an extra bedroom if need be. It’s better than two separate households.
If he goes with you instead, know that online school is an option if he has social issues at his new high school. In my line of work, I’ve known a lot of kids who did well with it.
To the bolded, I think the thing many people can’t go over is the OP seems to be putting her comfort over the NEEDS of her child. That offends many, myself included. There’s a vibe from the OP that makes them come off as really disconected to their offspring. If were to read the op and many of the comments the OP made, I could easily substitue son with house cat. The vibe wouldn’t change.
I think you’re reading too much into your “vibe.”
Well in all fairness you made it clear in your OP that you’re considering significant changes in your son’s life, not because they are what’s best for him, but because they are more amenable to your husband’s career goals.
Opal has not been shy about sharing the intimate details of her life on this board, including issues with her son in the past.
Posters aren’t replying in a vacuum here.
I don’t know, Opal, I’m getting the same vibe…you don’t seem that tuned into his needs. I’m not saying you aren’t, I’m saying that’s the impression you’re giving here. I’m frankly amazed at the following:
That you don’t realize that moving him somewhere else and eliminating his bedroom might send a bad message.
That you don’t realize that meeting this lady a few times doesn’t mean that he knows her, nor does it mean that you have any idea how that person will fill the mothering role.
That you don’t seem to realize that your ex marrying this woman doesn’t mean these other kids are his “siblings.”
That moving in with his dad will be a big enough adjustment without having to deal with all these other people who are virtual strangers.
And the biggest one of all…
I mean, I’m glad you at least considered that the troubled kid might not be a good person for Dominic to share living space with, but I don’t think it’s a great situation even if that part of it wasn’t an issue, and that just seems to be lost on you. So…I’m sorry that you and others think that people are being unfair to you, but going on the info we have here, it doesn’t sound good. At all.
I don’t think that would be a comfortable situation for her OR her child. I wouldn’t want to feel like an imposition on someone for two years.
And to add on to that, you are considering letting your son stay with his Dad. Not because it is a better situation for him, because if it were, you would be considering the move now, not in a year. You are considering letting him stay with his Dad when it becomes inconvenient for you to have him stay with you.
What is happening here is the equivalent of us walking around the corner seeing 5 guys kicking another guy on the ground. It looks very bad. Maybe they are making a movie, maybe they are beating out a fire, or maybe they are beating the crap out of Kim Jong Il. Unless there is a big reveal such as that coming, actually going through with either plan in the OP puts you in a terrible light.
Unlike some, I had the pleasure of meeting both Opalcat and Dominec. he struck me as a nice young man and she struck me as a swell mom. I would tust her to make the right descision.
Opalcat, I never had my own room or indeed my own bed growing up, but I trust I turned out OK. kids can accept a lot. As long as he knows you love him he’ll be fine.
Military kids tend (not always, but tend) to move to places where there are other military kids, though. Other people know just what they’re going through, and that helps a whole lot.
What does Dominic think of this option?
I’m not joining the pile-on, by the way. I think most people have forgotten that this began with Dominic *wanting *to go live with his dad. And the added later detail that Dad’s Girlfriends eldest may not be moving in with them at all…if that ends up being the case, I think there’s really no question as to the best decision for **all **of you.
Is she? I thought she’s considering letting him stay with his Dad because it would be inconvenient for HIM (Dominic) to have to follow her husband (Dan) around the country during his high school years.
Again, I think it’s clear that if Dan was staying in one place, this issue never would have arisen. Thus, it seems to me that the primary motivation to get Dominic to move in with his dad is Dan’s career ambitions, not Dominic’s needs.
I didn’t forget that it started with Dominic wanting to live with his dad. I have more concern that she said Dominic’s been wanting to live with is dad “for a while,” (how long? Since Opal’s been with her husband and moving all over the place?), and that desire may well have preceded dad getting together with this new girlfriend and all her kids being part of the equation. Even if he still wants to go there, I don’t believe Opal has any idea whether or not this is really going to be a good environment for him.
I’m not trying to pile on, as I said earlier, I’m trying to advocate for a kid who I think has shown some signs of being stressed by all the changes in his life.
My sister-in-law worked in private practice for a couple of years before deciding she wanted to do a fellowship. It didn’t seem to hurt her any, and she made good money during those years. But of course anecdote != data, and none of the other doctors I know took that route – it’s definitely the norm not to delay. But because everyone does it that way, maybe going against the norm hasn’t occurred to them as a potential solution. And also my sister-in-law isn’t looking to be a powerhouse in clinical research, where I think it could hurt you a lot to delay.
Maybe.. But read between the lines a bit. What is under consideration isn’t a move to his Dad’s now. What is under consideration is a move to his Dad’s when OpalCat is planning on moving in a year and change. That brings a significant implication. One that I doubt Dominic has missed. To continue, I seriously doubt that Dominic has missed the discussions about Opalcat’s Husband’s career. If the options being presented are (A) Stay with Mom and move twice in two years or (B) Go live with Dad, it’s easy to see how he would prefer (B). What isn’t clear how he feels about option (C), stay where he is, live with Mom, and continue his life without a major disruption. If it were me in that situation, (C) would by far be my preferred choice, but I wouldn’t have had the maturity to stand up for myself and say so.
She absolutely is. What is inconvenient for her is to provide Dominic with a stable life. Thus it’s dump on Dad time.