Agreed. I have to say this is why when you have minor kids of any age, you don’t just move in with someone when it includes moving kids who barely know each other into the same home. If he were my son, I wouldn’t send him to stay there, and I would put my foot down about it.
Both your son and ex-husband will be another fly in the troubled ointment of this kid.
The added layer of adult supervision will become another layer of rebellion that will assuredly be manifested in some form or other.
Re-reading the OP, I have three more questions:
How long has your ex know this woman, or how long have they been dating? (IOW Is this a new-ish relationship, or have they known each other a long time but couldn’t get together for whatever reason until now?)
Not that it’s any of our business, really, but why do *you *think this is such a great idea yourself?
Would your ex be open to hearing you suggest that they not move in together until at least some of the teens involved are grown and out of the house? Because that’s really the ideal solution, from where I see things. They can continue to date and be together but still maintain separate households and finances…
I’d ideally like them to wait to move in together until her son is 18 and out of the house. They’re in a fairly new relationship (couple of months) and all the talk of the future is at this point still highly hypothetical. He says he loves her, though, and I really want him to be happy. She seems really nice and they seem suited for each other. I think it would be great for them to end up together (assuming things continue to go well) though as I said, my preference would be after the oldest kid is out of the house.
Can you meet the new GF and her kids? That would give you more insight into what they’re all actually like and also probably make them more likely to see you as an actual person rather than unwanted stepbrother’s annoying mom.
The new GF’s son might not be a problem at all. Lots of kids lash out like that, but aren’t necessarily indiscriminate about it. He could even end up being a tough older brother figure for your son - best case scenario. But even then, his friends might be a lot worse; you’re not wrong for being concerned.
Yeah, you said in the OP you were gonna go visit the ex this weekend. Any chance of a meet’n’greet?
I’m probably going to meet the girlfriend, but probably not the kids.
I think it is a bit early to be worrying about this.
Your ex is going to do what he does, and when and if it does come up, you’ll have to work with what the situation is then. I’m surprised by the number of people suggesting that it’s at all your business to give your ex timelines for his love life. That’s his decision, and it isn’t your job to tell him your opinion on how fast his relationships should move. Anyway, the kid is going to be there at best a month, right? How can you tell someone to make such massive decisions about his entire life in order to make a few month-long visits a bit smoother.
Honestly. I don’t think it’ll be a problem. Next summer is a long ways away. The other kid will be 17, and I really seriously doubt he’s going to be sitting around the house all day- he’ll probably have a job, his own friends who he is going into senior year with, a girlfriend, etc. I barely bothered to show up for meals at that point in my life. A younger, less mature kid he doesn’t know probably isn’t going to interest him much.
It’s her business when it affects her kid, obviously. There are a lot of dynamics at work, here. One of which that I don’t think has been mentioned is how Opal’s son is going to feel for his dad to have new kids to be a dad to, when he lives far away. Plus, someone did mention that maybe this other kid doesn’t need any upheaval in his life, given that he’s already having problems (and, yeah, moving in with some new guy, as nice as he may be, qualifies as upheaval). I think Opal has every reason to try to open up a dialogue with her ex as to whether this is a good idea for all concerned.
I agree that the potential move-in could be problematic for everyone involved. But I can’t forsee a positive outcome for Opal telling her ex that her opinion is that he shouldn’t move in with the GF and kids, and setting ultimatums for what’s going to happen with their kid if he does. It’s sort of holding his life hostage no matter how tactfully it’s approached, and I don’t think that’s right.
I’ve only said what I’d be more comfortable with–I never said I’d try to tell Rob what he should do. I’m very supportive of the whole concept overall. I think he would be a lot happier and so would she. I think it would be a more stable environment for her kids as well. I just have some side concerns about when my son visits, is all.
I think you’ve got an amazing attitude, and I doubt I could ever be that fair to one of my exes!
Yeah, you sound awesome. And my above comment wasn’t directed at you, but at posters who seem to think you can or should lay down the law about what’s going to happen with your ex, his GF and her family.
Well, if it was something that only affected them, I’d be right there with you telling her to STFU and butt out. In those things, she doesn’t get a vote. But we’re talking about something with potentially serious consequences for her kid, and she has not just the right but the responsibility to look out for his best interests. If that means laying down the law about what’s going on with the ex, so be it. I mean, if her ex were talking about setting up a meth lab, you’d be okay with her saying “You do what you want, but I’m not sending Dom down there if you do,” right? Because she has a responsibility to protect her son. This is different, yes, but it’s a difference of degree rather than type.
Nobody said anything about setting ultimatums. We’re just saying that since they’re in communication w/each other and seem to get along, it would be worth it for her to talk about it with him and voice her concerns. Not command him. There’s an enormous universe between “nuthin’ you can do, so don’t no nuthin” and “setting ultimatums.”
I’m not suggesting that she tell him what to do. They (Ex, GF, Opal) are all in the position of making decisions, which requires some prognostication about possible/eventual outcomes. He has the right to know what she foresees as “the likely”, or even “a possible” outcome. She’s working through what that might be, and wanted to gain some outside input.
This is called “brainstorming” it is the opposite end of the spectrum from “laying down the law.”
T’were I in your place, Opal, I’d probably say something like “I think it may limit the length of Sons visits for a while - at least to the extent that you will actually be home with him.”
We’re on our own, cousin
All alone, cousin
I think your best bet would be to sit down and talk to your son about what you expect of him when he is with his dad. Explain that you understand that his dad’s new girlfriend seems pretty wonderful but that you are a little concerned about her son and then give him some phrases and tools he can use to keep himself safe and give himself some distance. Practicing saying, “No, I’m not interested dude, but thanks anyway” and spending $8 on a portable door lock in case he feels like he might be in physical danger would go a long way towards keeping him as safe as possible. Also make sure he has a cellular phone or a calling card so if he needs to get away from the house and call you for help he can do that.
Your son can’t control this woman or her children but he can take steps to take care of himself no matter how they behave. That is where I would put my focus in this situation.
I would take a wait and see approach (cause they have only been dating a short while, yada yada).
When the move was inevitable, I would approch your ex and say that you do not want your kid left alone with the other kid. He sounds abusive and it takes a fair amount of effort to get sent to juvie. It would be putting your son in a dangerous situation. Since your ex sounds fairly reasonable, I suspect he will agree anyway.
I’d tell your ex to watch his back. Physically abusive men are not generally understanding when it comes to people dating their exes. Or, in this case, current spouses.