Should I be..."concerned?"

In My Humble Opinion
1

OK. I don’t usually post about relationshippy-type stuff, but I am wondering if my friends are just being my friends and are basically telling me what they think I want to hear rather than their honest opinion. So, against my better judgment, I turn to you, fellow Dopers. :smiley:

So my fiancee and I have been together for a year. He has a 4-year old son. We got together last September. Around three weeks later, he was very upfront in telling me that his son and his baby momma were thrown out of their living situation, and had nowhere to go. So instead of letting his child live on the streets, he allowed both his ex and his son to move into his 2-bedroom apartment. I wasn’t comfortable with it, but the relationship was so new that I didn’t feel it was my place to voice any opinions regarding that situation. It was only supposed to be for a few weeks until she got back on her feet.

Fast forward 6 MONTHS LATER.

We dated throughout this odd arrangement, with many plans being ruined by her last minute “having to work late” or some other nonsense that would cause GypsyBoy to have to stay home and watch his son. Admittedly, I did throw an occasional hissy, because I KNEW she was doing it on purpose. Have I mentioned that she is manipulative, crazy, and uses the kid as leverage against my fiancee?

Oh, and she’s 30, btw. :rolleyes:

He was always open and upfront with me regarding her and how he felt about her. He left HER a few years prior because she is a nagging, suspicious, hag of a woman that would accuse him of cheating at LEAST 3 or 4 times a DAY. She would literally SNIFF HIS UNDERPANTS when he got home from wherever to see if he had been fucking around.

She has tried to engage ME many, many times via Myspace (have I mentioned she’s 30?). I refuse to acknowlegde her and I know that burns her ass. She has tried to have HER friends friend ME (my page is private) so they can report back to her. He’s spoken to her about it, and when he does, things usually settle down. I am assuming she gets bored and acts up again. Sending trashy text messages, mushy MySpace comments, calling at all hours, etc. For the most part, he ignores her, but obviously, because of the boy, NEEDS to speak to her sort of on a semi-regular basis. Anyway, she’ll put up these “messages” on her status bar on Myspace knowing that I would see them just by looking at her profile without having to open it. I’m pretty sure they are meant for me, or I’m turning just as batshit crazy as she is.

He moved out of HIS place to move into our place, leaving her there in his old place back in April. She said she’d take care of the rent, yadda yadda. In July she announces she’s going “Back home to live with her momma” because she “can’t find work” here. “Back home” is a 3 hour drive from here. Previously, she was a 10-minute drive away. However, it’s been relatively quiet since she’s been gone, but seems she’s acting up again, with the latest status message reading something to the effect of “funny how life always seems to lead us back together” or some other smarmy nonsense.

I know, I know, just stop clicking, stupid, and you won’t get aggravated. Ignore it like you have been for the last 5 months and everything will be fine. Frankly, I don’t trust her as far as I can throw her, and wouldn’t put it past her to to something so insane that he’d be FORCED, somehow, to go back to her.

Mind you, he says that would NEVER happen, he left her for a reason, loves me, like crazy, and tells me so at least what feels like 100 times a day. But I can’t shake this nagging feeling that she’s up to something. Then again, my last relationship ended so badly that I’m not suprised that I am thinking the way I am. But from the outside looking in, does it sound like I’m being a paranoid freak? Cause I really don’t want to be. I trust GypsyBoy with my life, but it’s HER that bothers me. He’d do anything for his son, and it makes me a little nervous.

Feel free to ask me any questions, btw - I am sure there are some holes that don’t make sense here, but that is the general jist of the situation.

deepbreath Thanks, guys. Sorry for the babbling.

2

Run away as fast as you can.

Until / unless this guy is 100% legally and emotionally separated from that woman you are going to be in the middle of their collective mess.

In addition to them needing to be separated from each other, they will only really be 100% separated when one of them has 100% legal & practical custody of the child or the child is both over 18 and sucessfully launched out of the parents’ lives.

IMO, those things arent’ going to happen this decade. So move on, and do so immediately.

3

I dont see why he needed to let HER move in with him. If she had no place to live getting custody of the child should have been no problem. I don’t know what you expect from this but if you are waiting for her to stop being a big part of his life then thats not going to happen for another 14 years.

4

I doubt she is, but even if she is scheming, what can you do about it until the plan reveals itself?

I say stop reading her MySpace page. Don’t think about it. Every time you fret about her is time that she has taken from you. Let it go, and deal with the major drama if it comes. Don’t let her control your relationship like this.

5

What’s the issue with her being 30?

6

I think the OP meant that some of the ways she behaves are rather immature for a 30 year old (harassing people via MySpace for example).

7

Crazy ex, 1
Gypsy Girl, 0

You know what you need to do: quit reading her Myspace page. You don’t want her reading yours, don’t read hers. Also, don’t hang around her locker, don’t intercept her notes in math class, and if you see her mouthing something to you across the cafeteria during lunch period, look away.

Daniel

8

She sniffed his underwear? I don’t think you have to worry about your BF returning to that situation. :slight_smile:

Eonwe’s advice is good. Don’t throw the baby (BF) out with the bathwater (BF’s crazy ex)

9

Good advice. Based on the OP, I think the guy has the potential to be a good father, which is a plus, but at the same time, the ex is a nutjob. Back when I was single, I was willing to get involved with a mom and an ex (which I did), but a dealbreaker for me was always that the relationship had to be good and not one of these festering trainwrecks. Which is exactly what you have here. So until the kid’s 18, you’re going to be involved with the ex in some way or another unless she forfeits all rights to the kid.

10

Get out of there.

If there wasn’t something up, this would have been resolved MONTHS ago. They may not be sleeping together, but they are still involved in an emotional relationship. He’s playing a role in this, too. Nobody keeps working on something like that unless they are getting something out of it. Not for that long. He is giving her something that she wants. And you are playing the co-dependent enabler to this whole thing. He may be telling you that you are the center of his life, but really you are acting as the stable fall back to the real drama. You are nothing more right now than a side note. You may think you are the “wife” in this story, but you are the “mistress.”

Your right that these red flags are red flags. It is absolutely not okay to move in with your ex, even for a short period of time. This is not normal. Are you sure she wasn’t smelling his underpants for a reason? And you’ve got your own red flags. Why are you even giving a moment’s consideration to anything on MySpace? That’s high school stuff. You should be able to shrug and say “crazy bitch” and have that be the end of it. It’s not just her being crazy. Each and every one of you are playing this game.

You need to break this off until he gets his life together and learns to live on his own. Millions of people have kids with crazy ex’s but don’t let it get mixed up with their current relationships. He needs to learn from them. If it is true love, you’ll get back together after a couple of months and everything will be fine. But you have nothing at all to gain from being a part of this. Anyway, I’m not too hopeful. If this drama isn’t resolved after six months, it’s probably going to drag on for years.

Time for you to find someone who can be a truly exclusive partner, without all the baggage.

11

Yikes, what a tough situation. I don’t really know what to advise you, except to always, always, always trust your instincts about things like this. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s NOT right.

And don’t get married until this is resolved to your satisfaction. Just don’t.

12

I’ve never understood the compulsion so many people have to get involved with other people that are already involved with someone else- even if they’re not having sex, they are * very* involved with each other, which puts you, what, third? After the ex, then the kid, there’s you. Which is fine, if that’s what you bargained for. If not, then instead of wasting your time trying to fix a situation to be what you wish it was instead of what it really is, go on and find a situation that is already what you want it to be. Ya know what I mean?

But wait. Oh yeah, you moved in together. Another compulsion some people have that I just don’t get. This is indeed complicated, isn’t it?

On preview, what **even sven **said.

13

And when you get old and can see the end of the road, you will wonder why you wasted so much time in bad places for all the wrong reasons. We don’t get ‘do overs’ with our life. All those wasted years being completely unnecessary. You will learn that 99.9% of the world are not stuck with just one and only one place/time/person for them in the whole world forever and ever. Romance novels are not real life.

You can’t live life without a few regrets but to be miserable for much of your life out of stubbornness, misplace loyalty, or thinking that your happiness is dependent on another person is a sad way to live.

I can make another unhappy, I can’t make them happy. Best I can do is not cause them harm. I am responsible for no ones happiness except my own for which I am 100% responsible.

YMMV

14

We’re only getting one, very biased version of the story. It always has to be taken with several grains of salt when the ex is described as evil incarnate. It’s never that simple. She’s the mother of his child, he’s known her a lot longer, and the OP has only been with the guy a year (which is way too soon to get engaged, but that’s another story). The ex clearly has a much longer and more significant relationship with this guy than the OP does, and the OP is going to have to deal with that.

The OP also needs to recognize that this man’s child is more important than she is. It’ immature and selfish for her to dismiss all of his responsibilities to the kid as nothing more than “manipulation” by the child’s mother. If you date somebody with a child, you’re going to have to accept that you come second, and that’s all there is to it.

I would also say if the ex was so concerned about the guy cheating, it’s probably because he WAS cheating. I’d also say the odds are better than not that he’s still sleeping with the ex now and again.

Frankly, I hope he and the ex do end up back together. It’s better for the kid. The OP needs to move on and start dating somebody who doesn’t already have a family.

Incidentally, what’s the deal with the OP stating the ex’s age over and over again? Ok, she’s 30. So what? Why are we supposed to think that’s meaningful?

15

What kind of asshole would be ok with taking a child away from his mother and tossing the mother out into the street?

16

I know, I kind of think I see what the OP was trying to say, but I got a funny feeling like she was saying - “30? She might as well be dead!”

Susan
(Turning 35 in 10 days, not sensitive at all!)

17

Honestly, that’s why I have little sympathy for the OP. Is 30 supposed to be too old or too young? Why does she assume we will automatically know which it is?

18

You are seeing this the wrong way, you are not taking the child away from the mother or tossing the mother out into the street. The mother got herself tossed into the street, you are taking away the child from that situation. Losing custody is not a punishment, its simply whats best for the child.

19

She may not be batshit crazy at all. Maybe she started out as a 23 year old idealistic woman who fell in love with a guy whom she trusted with her life. And through the course of their relationship and the birth of their child, she found out that he was a liar and a cheater. Between the hormones and the lies, she turned into someone she didn’t even recognize. It got so bad that one day she found herself actually sniffing his underwear when he got home.

That says plenty about her, but it also says plenty about him.

You’ve already compromised your dignity by continuing to date a man who was openly living with his ex-wife. I don’t care what his rationalizations were for doing so, you should have told him sayonara until he’d completely severed his former relationship. (And if you don’t believe that they were sleeping together during that time, you are very, very naive.)

Maybe instead of dismissing the ex, you should learn from her. Because while there are some nutcases running around, it’s far likelier that they both were at fault in the relationship. And the reason you’re in a quandry is because you don’t trust him. Frankly, I’d remove myself from this ridiculous drama before I invested any more of myself into the relationship. Relationships are difficult enough without step-children and ex-babymommas complicating things.

20

N, traumatizing the child by separating him from his primary parent and then expecting him to be happy with the fact that his mother is out in the street is not what’s best for the child. That’s pretty much the worst possible thing for the child.