I met a girl who we’ll call Julie two months ago online. Things moved quickly, and she moved in after just two weeks. It was her idea to move in, but things were going well and I was happy to go along with it. She was living with her parents, an hour’s drive from my house.
Very quickly, it’s become apparent that she REALLY wants children! Within three weeks of meeting her, she’s been telling me that I’m the one she wants to marry and have children with. This has been quite overwhelming for me - I really like this girl and think I can see myself getting to a point where I want to marry her and have children with her, but it’s all moving a bit quickly. I want to have children within the next few years, but a) I want to take the time to get to know each other properly and b) finances are really tight atm, I have a small two up two down house with no room for a baby and a recession is on the way!
It’s all moving too quickly for me. But I don’t want to lose this girl as I truly believe that given time, really would want to marry her and have children with her. I also have a tendency to procrastinate by waiting for conditions to be perfect before making a big decision, so I need to filter my own responses and instincts against this somewhat.
But, we have like £250 spare after bills each month and we need to pay food out of this. The mortgage is on interest only and I don’t have a pension.
I’m 31 and she’s 22. Surely if anyone should be in a hurry to have children it should be me! She says that, if I really loved her then I would be ready. To which I counter, if she really loved me, she would wait.
I think you know that it would be a terribly irresponsible thing to bring a child into the world when you barely know this girl, and finances are tight. This girl’s behavior should be sending up huge red flags… her young age, moving in after 2 weeks, her desperate desire to have kids with a guy she barely knows without the means to support it (does she have a job/make money?) What is going on with her to cause her to be acting so irrationally? How well do you really know her? And what is going on with you that you would have a girl move in after two weeks, and that you would seriously be considering this? Is this your first serious relationship or something?
Please please please don’t bring a child into this situation! I am sure you know how incredibly irresponsible that would be. What is her hurry? She is extremely young.
My advice is to buy yourself some extra-strength condoms and don’t let her get to them, or they’ll likely be filled with pinholes.
My advice would also be to run. Very fast. And don’t look back.
Someone of her tender years being so desperate to leave home, move in with someone she really doesn’t know all that well, and then decide she’s ready for the whole marriage and kids thing, well that just sets all the alarm bells ringing.
I predict you’ll find in the next month or so that she’s “accidentally” fallen pregnant and you’ll be morally obliged to keep her and the kid.
Food is a bill. How much do you really have left over at the end of the month? You mention that you dont have a pension. I’m more interested in health care. Actually, I don’t know what healthcare is like in the (UK?) but is it free, or does it cost you money? Can you afford the prenatal care, the delivery, and all the other bills that go along with just producing an offspring?
I really wish I knew what was going on in her head She REALLY wants children and says that she has always known it. You know how some people are adamant that they will never have children and never do? My theory is that she is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I think that some women have an overwhelming biological urge to have children maybe and everything else comes secondary? But I’m also concerned that there maybe some deeper seated psychological issues going on too. It seems a bit odd that she has fallen in love with me so quickly? I’m concerned that it might be obsession and not love. Or that she sees me as her means to the all-consuming end.
It was a bit wrong of me to let her move in so quickly, I guess. It raised a bit of a red flag but I just ignored it. It felt like we were hurrying things, but no real biggie at the time as I knew I liked her. But in retrospect I shouldn’t have let it happen. As to why I ignored it - yes, I guess inexperience was a factor.
No worries on the condom thing. We’ve stopped having sex as says it causes her (emotional) pain each time, knowing that it won’t result in a baby.
Writing all this down, it seems pretty clear that the only option is to end things before a difficult situation turns into a real nightmare. The only reason I’m not is that I do really like her, and I do believe I could come to want to marry her and have children with her given a bit more time. So I’m turning to you guys to see if you can see a middle way her?
Bear_Nenno - you’re right, food is a bill, I probably have about £100 spare each month then if truth be told. I’m in the UK, so we have the NHS is which is (generally) free, so no worries about healthcare bills.
This bit is what really worries me. I know you say she may be one of those people who know for sure they want kids, just as strongly as I know I don’t want them, but this kind of thing is bordering on psychological problems.
Aside from that, a spare budget of £100 per month is nowhere near enough to cope if you have a baby - they are constantly in need of something, and you run the risk of resenting the child for the drain it places on your finances.
I’m afraid I still think that staying with this girl is going to bring you little else but pain.
Run. She is trying to bully you into having children with emotional blackmail. Is this something you want out of a possible life partner?
No, I don’t see any middle way you can take. She’s not amenable to compromise. Remember this wise advice I read here on the SDMB: don’t stick your dick in the crazy. And she sounds a tad on the crazy side.
This is the scary bit I think - that’s got manipulation written all over it! If she’s really not willing to wait, based on your entirely rational cautiousness, then unfortunately she’s not going to be the one for you. Trying to manipulate you over something as important as this is definitely not a great start to the relationship (and it is still early days of course) and I’d be tempted to tell her that.
If, on the other hand, it’s the exuberance of excitement about the new relationship that is coming out, I’d be saying what you put above - yes, I think you’re someone I could settle down with and have children…let’s just make sure we both feel the same way in 12 months time then start planning properly for our future. Putting stress on such a young relationship is only going to break it.
Edit - I see others have said the same (and I missed the bit about ‘no sex for you unless we’re baby-making’ The ‘you’re causing me emotional stress’ argument is about as manipulative as it gets…Run - and run fast!
Option A: string her along and ditch her later.
Option B: ditch her now.
There are no other options. That’s the brutal truth. She’s nowhere near ready to have kids and a meaningful relationship with you or anyone else no matter what she says. She’s way too immature. This is why there’s no “middle way” here. I highly recommend Option B, btw.
I’m just wondering if I can somehow reason with her and make her see that I’m just not ready to get married yet, let along have a baby. Any suggestions?
Attempts at reasoned logic have so far fallen completely short in the face of her emotionally charged behaviour. She knows she’s not being reasonable - I’ve suggested chatting to someone about our problem or getting relationship counselling - but she always says they will take my side and say she is making unrealistic demands, too soon in the relationship.
You cannot. Run. And even if you COULD, would you really want to tie yourself to someone for the rest of your life who you need to reason with in this manner? Its going to get old fast - even if you manage to reason with her, each day will bring a new thing you need to reason with her about.
I think you already answered that one in your following words. It’s hard to see how there can be a middle way with someone who seems so fixated on having a baby. If you are determined to stay with this girl, then my only suggestion would be that you help her find alternative accommodation as soon as possible and tell her you need to ‘date’ for at least a year before your relationship becomes any more serious.
She moved in with you so quickly it sounds like she’s had next to no experience of independent living - she needs to stand on her own two feet for a while and maybe realise what a responsibility it is to live by yourself first, before you consider the commitment of a partner and children.
So far you’ve not had the chance to have a real relationship, to have things develop in the way most other couples do - you’ve moved very far very fast and have barely had time to pause for breath.
Personally from what you’ve said, I don’t think the relationship has much of a future but if you want to give it a try, you need to have that bit of space first.
I would explain yourself as clearly as possible one more time since you seem like a nice guy who doesn’t want to be cruel about it and make it clear that you have no intention of marrying or having a baby with someone that you just met. You might want to stop with the ‘maybe someday’ talk because it’s only going to encourage her at this point. I’d say run but she’s in your house so it isn’t going to be that easy. If she’s this manipulative and unreasonable about this issue you can bet it will become her SOP to get what she wants in the future. Don’t you want a woman that’s emotionally healthy enough to want to take it slowly also?
You know why a counselor would tell her she is making unrealistic demands? Because she is. As a woman I understand the desire to get married and have a family and all that jazz (though I don’t know that I would ever want kids it is not something I am saying will never happen either) but I must say that even though I think my boyfriend hung the moon if he asked me to marry him tomorrow that would be enough for me to break up with him. If he was willing to take such a big step without putting in the time and effort before hand to know for sure it was the right thing to do he wouldn’t be the man for me and it sounds like this woman isn’t the one for you.
She doesn’t sound like girlfriend/wife/mother material to me. Someone who doesn’t understand compromise or the importance of holding off on big steps until you are ready is not someone you want to be with in the long haul. Ship her back to her parent’s house and don’t look back. Seriously. Do it now.
Normally I’m not too suspicious, but upon reading this and how you’ve already moved in with her, my first thought was that she was very newly pregnant by someone else (who doesn’t have a good financial status) and was trying to set you up as the father - you would presumably be too trusting to request a DNA paternity test - while she kept you in the dark about the actual estimated date of conception.
That’s probably a tad far-fetched, but still, she is being scarily manipulative, desperate, and otherwise way over the top in her behavior. Leave, don’t take her back, don’t have sex with her.
If you had been in a long-term committed relationship and she wanted a baby badly enough to insist no sex because otherwise she would be too depressed, then I would suggest counseling for the two of you and a doctor’s appointment for her if this was new, out-of-the-blue behavior. But this is an entirely different situation.
Oh, and don’t ever move in with someone that quickly again! :o If it’s going really well living apart, it can continue to go well while you take more time to develop the relationship before making huge changes to your living situation.
She REALLY wants children and says that she has always known it. You know how some people are adamant that they will never have children and never do? My theory is that she is on the complete opposite end of the spectrum. I think that some women have an overwhelming biological urge to have children maybe and everything else comes secondary? But I’m also concerned that there maybe some deeper seated psychological issues going on too. It seems a bit odd that she has fallen in love with me so quickly? I’m concerned that it might be obsession and not love. Or that she sees me as her means to the all-consuming end.