Gah. I hate breaking up.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I’ve been dating this girl for a couple of months. Things were going great, if maybe a little too fast, and hot n’ heavy for me. We ended up hanging out five or six nights a week, having long, lazy Sunday mornings reading the paper, etc. I met her family and I get along great with her parents and siblings. The sex was awesome. She told me she loved me (unprompted - I didn’t say it for another a couple of weeks.) My friends like her, and she likes them. She doesn’t appear to be insane (not that I’m very good at picking them out). Things seemed to be headed in a really positive direction.

Until the last week or so. I noticed that she was becoming more distant. We didn’t hang out much last week, and finally had a talk on Saturday.

She told me that she feels like she hasn’t had enough time to herself lately. I completely understand - I was starting to feel it myself.

I asked her if she wanted to continue the relationship at all. She said she didn’t know - she’d like to try hanging out less, but she isn’t sure how to re-establish the pattern that we’d set early in the relationship, and wonders if it wouldn’t be easier to call the whole thing off.

I asked if she wanted a few days to think about things. She said yes.

So for the last couple of days, I’ve been a mess, trying to figure things out. I don’t deal well with gnawing doubt.

I kind of wish that she’d just ended it a couple of days ago. It doesn’t help that she’s been periodically checking in on me - stuff like sending me gently teasing or flirty texts that I’d otherwise find charming.

I’ve checked with a few of my friends who know her, and gotten contradictory advice, though the ones who know me (and my baggage) the best are all telling me to run. The ones who know her better are making excuses about how she has a lot of stuff going on and I should just give her some time.

I’ve decided to go with my gut and bolt. Partially to keep my pride intact (You can’t dump me! I’m dumping YOU!) and partially because the uncertainty is making me crazy. I’m going to call her after work and set up a talk. If she won’t meet, then I’ll have to do the bastard thing and dump her over the phone. I really hate to do it that way, if only because I need to get my keys back.

Still, knowing what I’ve gotta do isn’t making it any easier. Ugh.

2

Been there and done that. Recently.

The breakup took two months. It was pretty excruciating.

I feel ya, dude. Get out there and meet some other women. Like, now.

3

Thankfully, my BFF is a total procurer. I pointed out a cute girl at a bar the other day, and she was like, “That’s Boobarella. She just broke up with her boyfriend… she’s great… WAIT. You totally need to dump that other chick so I can hook you up. Dammit. Why didn’t I hook you up months ago?”

Now BFF’s asking me if she can “execute Project Boobarella” every day.

4

But… isn’t this what you’d agreed upon? That she needed a few days to think about things? I’m not sure how I feel about that premise in general, whether or not it’s fair to ask someone to sit idly by while you sort things out, but it doesn’t sound like she’s shut you out of her life completely or like she’s trying to dump you in a non-confrontational way or anything.

It does suck that you are feeling horrible (as anyone would be, I imagine). But if she is honestly figuring out if things are going too fast – versus stringing you along, or checking out her options – then you telling her it’s not working out isn’t necessarily beating her to the punch. If your gut really is telling you to go, go. But don’t do it just to score some sort of nonexistent point form the dating gods.

5

Yeah, I’m not sure why you need to dump her. Why can’t you guys chill out for a bit and get this “me time” you talked about?

It definitely does suck when things are going 100mph in one direction then everything comes to a grinding halt (I’ve got that going on right now myself). But if the relationship was good, barring the time issues, why is it not worth re-evaluating after a bit of a breather?

6

My goodness…it’s only been a couple of days, and she’s kept in touch everyday! Cut her some slack, let her get some laundry done and maybe balance her checkbook and shop for groceries! Are you really so afraid of getting dumped that you’d willingly give up something that might be great, just because you couldn’t see her for a few days? You don’t “gotta do” this today. That uncomfortable feeling? Suck it up and don’t let it make you run for the door. Sheesh. Is it pretty much all or nothing with you on everything?

7

It’s the 100mph-to-total-uncertainty thing that’s bugging the hell outta me. The more I think about it, the more I’m bothered by that kind of mercurial behavior. Especially since most of the original initiative was on her end.

I just don’t think I’m capable of remaining committed to somebody if they’re not certain that they want to be with me. I’d be totally OK with spending less time together, but after two months, I’m not going to hang around and wait for her to decide if she wants to be with me at all.

8

Wait…you had this talk on Saturday! Yesterday was Sunday…today is Monday…you’ve given her a day and not even a half, and you are itching to end it in a pre-emptive dumping? AND you’ve had time to discuss it with friends? Slow down, you move too fast, you’ve got to make the moment last…

9

I have to agree that letting her have some “me time” is a good idea. What I think is a bad idea is sitting around moping and pining for her in the meantime. When I said go meet other women now, I meant have a life. Go off to the mountains for a few days. Start a project. Hook up with your guy friends. Do stuff that you want to do but never can because you spend so much time with her. HAVE FUN.

She’ll want you back in her life by 6:15 tonight.

10

Reading through the OP, it sounds like you were the one who brought up the idea of ending the relationship. You both want time to yourselves. She acts distant and you two do spend less time together, you talk, she says she needs some time to herself instead of spending most days together - and you ask her if she wants to continue the relationship at all. :confused:

Maybe I don’t get it from the context, but that kind of seems out of nowhere, unless there was a lot of stuff going on that I’m not getting from the conversation. Back in college when I was dating my now-husband, he had a Serious Talk with me in which he broke the news to me that he needed more time to himself. I said, “Oh, OK!” and went off to my dorm room, and we moderated how much time we hung out together.

So for my POV, if you had come out with that without any other signs of big problems, I might well have assumed that you had those thoughts and was going to let you have time to figure that out yourself. But maybe I’m offbase, it’s been a long time since I’ve dated.

11

I love this saying:

Give her the gift of missing you.

12

You are both moving from infatuation where spending every moment together is preferrable to doing pretty much anything else - to either being apart of moving to a mature relationship. If you want a mature relationship, you’ll need to go through this eventually with someone where you negotiate for space. Maybe this person isn’t worth it - but this is part of what happens…

13

Well, the last time we hung out for any length of time was last Monday. Tuesday she said she was tired. Wednesday and Thursday we both had other plans. Friday she canceled on me five minutes before our date, for no particular reason. Saturday we had The Talk for a half hour, after which she started the texts that were completely out of character with what she told me before.

So yeah, I’ve had a bit of time to get all worked up.

14

Seems like you guys may have been in a “I thought that’s what YOU wanted” situation. You said yourself you were kinda growing weary of the 24/7 nature of your relationship but she’s the one who put the brakes on first. She’s probably thinking she is not sure she wants to be with you because you prefer this heavy schedule. You’re probably thinking she is the one who wants the heavy schedule.

Give it a day or two, then talk it out. Don’t go all Boobarella on the situation just yet.

15

And by the way, I appreciate the insight, folks. Maybe I’ll just make open-ended low key plans for tonight instead of immediately launching the ejection seat.

16

Don’t make it open ended. Make definite plans that don’t include her.

17

This is pretty much all that you need to know. You should have more feeling of self-worth than to put up with that. That instinct that you have in the pit of your gut? Go with that.

18

And if things work out with you and your girlfriend, I would be happy to keep poor Boobarella company…

19

I’d say that they’re the ones in the best position to know what’s going on, so their advice is probably the wisest to heed.

20

People who are busy having fun and doing interesting things are preferable to people who just hang around the house moping.

Go out. Have fun. Call the friends you have been ignoring for the past few weeks.

If she decides to be with you and you are out having fun and doing interesting stuff, she will find this attractive.

If you decide you don’t want ther back, you can be out meeting other nice people.

And, if you do break up, you will have something to do other than hang around the house moping.