Well, should I or shouldn't I?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

OK, here’s the deal (I’m warning you know this IS a relationship question). Some time last year (from the months of september to december) I was dating a girl. She broke up with me. OK, zoom to now. I’m still in love with her. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. At first, right after she broke up with me I figured it was just me getting over her. But almost a year later and I still don’t go a day without wishing we were still together. Now it starts to get complicated…
We agreed to still be friends (we all know how THAT usually works out.) For the first couple of months we generally avoided each other, but as time went on we did start to hang out again. Never alone, mind you, always in groups of other friends. Anyways, about two weeks after she broke up with me she started dating another guy. This, of course, made me feel even more like shit. Again, I chaulked it up to the pain of losing her and tried to move on. To no avail. Whenever I see the two of them together it takes all my strength not to look away. And if they start to be ‘cute’, or ‘romatic’, well I usually have to leave the area for a little while and wallow in self pity. She, of course, knows nothing of this. She assumes that I am over her. We casually talk like normal people, all the while I strain not to tell her what I want to do more than anything in the world.

So, my question (which you probably all guessed by now) is:
Do I tell her how I still feel about her? Knowing that it could ruin our current friendship, knowing that she is in a happy relationship right now, and knowing that she doesn’t feel the same way towards me.

2

Well I have a couple of experiences with this.(Draw your own conclusions, but I will have game analysis at the end)

Girl A and I broke up, and I was down for 2 years until I met girl B. Once I had established feelings for girl B, I never thought about girl A anymore, and now I wonder what in the hell I was thinking.(Being with girl A)

Girl B and I broke up, and it destroyed me. Didn’t eat, or sleep for a week…Then I turned 21, and found the luxury of being an alcoholic. Fast forward 6 months, when I woke up in my own puke, and decided that enough was enough. I decided then and there I was not going to wallow around in self pity for a couple of years.(Interesting footnote: I also got revenge on this girl for breaking my heart, which probably had a lot to do with my moving on. For details on THAT, I would need to be e-mailed, as the contents are a bit much for this forum.)

Somewhere between girls A & B, I met girl C. We had an on again/ Off again relationship for a year, until I met Girl B. During the girl B stage, I never thought about girl C, but lately I have found myself thinking about her, and I am not sure why.

Now, Back to bouv. My answer to your question is this: No. You need to move on. Quit hanging around her. Don’t talk to her. Move out of town. Hire a hitman.(j/k)
From my own meandering experience, I can safely say that the only way to move on is to find someone else, as my example with girl A went. Unless of course, you can get a decent revenge as with girl B…But you do not seem angry at your ex. Right now I am in a lull as far as my lovelife goes, which is why I am thinking about girl C, but I know when I find someone else who gives me “butterflies” I will forget about her.

So will you.

Plato? Aristotle? Socrates? Morons!
~Only 14 more hours until I am hanging with Better Than Ezra!

3

She dumped you.

Said she wanted to be friends and you agreed (to hang on).

She’s been dating someone else for almost a year (starting two WEEKS after she dumped your ass!)

My hypothesis: She dumped you to date him and she sadi she still wanted to be friends to let you down easy. She never thought you’d take her up on it.

Conclusion: Move on.

4

You are obsessing on a failed relationship, which is a very unhealthy thing to do. I should know, I have done it myself. In my own case, I ended up seeking counseling, which helped a great deal.

The “one perfect person in all the world for you” myth is a very unrealistic view of people and relationships. Healthy relationships involve a great deal of compromise and adjustment to significant differences between individuals. There is no “finding the perfect person for me” in the real world.

5

I could write a book on this subject, but I’ll keep it short, bouv. You’re getting the right feedback here; get this woman out of your life.

6

You need to realize this; what you are feeling isn’t true love, it’s a type of addiction. True love requires nurturing. It comes as much from receiving love from your beloved, as it does from seeing desirable traits in the other person. I realize this sounds like a conundrum, but bear with me.

Love comes in two phases: in love, and true love. True love requires shared experiences, shared love, and shared dreams. In love is attraction, chemistry, and addiction. In love allows you to develop the shared experiences, etc; and it gives you a period where you can iron out the differences and compromises that are a necessary component when two people develop a close relationship. In love lasts from 6 months to 2 years. Like any addiction, the best way to break it is to get away from the addictive substance.[sup]*[/sup]

So like everyone else said, get away from her as best you can. You will feel this way about someone else. Well, almost - each relationship is strongly flavored by the participants.

I have a suggestion for you to find your next girlfriend. Make a list of all of the traits that this girl that you are attracted too; then add any other traits that you want in a girlfriend. Then order the traits in importance - treat the list as if a cruel DM is going to find your girlfriend for you. In other words, would you prefer a gorgeous but lying gf, or an honest gf of normal looks?

Read the list periodically, and you will find a new gf with the traits that you are seeking.

7

*[sub]In love is sometimes called infatuation or limerance[/sub]

:sigh:

8

OK, I guess I have the right answer, which was pretty much what I was thinking anyways. As for avoiding her the rest if my life, well that’s impossible. We both go to the same college, and she (by chance) is in one of my classes. And since she still wants to be friends, she is frequently hanging around places where I am as well (like my fraternity house.)
As for fiding another girl and moving on, I’m all for that, but it prolly aint’t gonna happen (at least not for a while). There’s a thread floating around somewhere in the back halls of MPSIMS that describes how I have low self-esteem and stuff such as that. I am far to shy and unsure of myself to ask girls out. I require that they approach me (which is what happened with this girl.) Only once since then has there been a chance to have a relationship. But certain factors led to that not panning out. Oh well.

9

  1. Go to NYC dopefest. Wear clothing. Be attractive (neither of these is a stretch for you, believe me). Get hit on like mad. Possibly find someone appealing.

  2. Ask a random girl out if she even talks to you and is alone enough that people wouldn’t laugh if she turned you down insultingly*.

If she accepts, bang, a girl who doesn’t know you just said yes. You know you have something going for you (like a personality, the appearance of someone who knows what hygiene means, whatever).

I should follow my own advice, but I don’t, of course, because I might be rejected. And because I don’t date.

*If she insults you, say the following loud enough for her to hear:

Habitas in fornice. I think the Latin there’s right.

10

i have to have sex? i did that wrong… i woke up too recently to do latin…

11

You’re right.

You did.

Do it wrong, that is.

It’s got to do with sex, but it ain’t necessarily you having it;)

12

(thinking back to high school latin…)

You live in sex. Is that right?

13

lets see…

habitas

this is the verb form of “live in”, “to live in”. I just noticed that it is in the second singular form, so it is “you live in/you now live in”.

in

same as in english; this means “in”,“on” “upon” or sometimes “among”. it generally just gives off an aura of association, depending on context.

fornice

well, i checked my latin dictionary and this dosn’t actually mean sex. fornicatus actually menas “arched”, which suprises the hell out of me.

so, is it;
“you live in arch”?
“you arch in live”?
“live you in arch”?

so, in summation, i have NO FREAKING IDEA what you mean here. i guess i’m stupid.

erg. on preview, i saw that post. i originally thought “habito” was “to have”. i checked my Latin dictionary, and i had gotten it mixed with “habeo”. silly me.

p.s.; impunha means “impunity” in latin. neat, huh?

14

:slaps bouv upside the head:

Just how do you think you are going to find someone new if you keep saying “It prolly won’t happen”? Huh? Quit sabotaging yourself! :mad: Do you think you have low self-esteem because you deserve it? NO!!! You have low self-esteem because you keep telling yourself that life is terrible. Stop that!! Tell yourself that life is great and that you are going to have a great life! Tell yourself that you deserve great things!

And just WHY can’t you ask someone out, huh? If I can ask the guys out, why can’t you ask someone out, bucko? Let me tell you something. I only had two boyfriends in HS, and that was because the first one thought I’d be an easy lay, then palmed me off on his best friend when he got tired of trying. And that comprised all of three months of my HS career. I didn’t have another date until I was a sophomore in college.

What exactly are you afraid of? Rejection? Welcome to adulthood. Consider handling rejection a necessary life skill. After all, not only are cute girls going to reject you, you are also going to be rejected for jobs, promotions, pet projects. If you are going to be involved in the arts you are going to be rejected constantly. Oh, try being laid off for five months. Do you think I can avoid rejection in my job hunt? If I didn’t try every frickin day for a new job, I’d lose my house.

After all, what’s the worst that can happen if you are rejected? You don’t end up in a relationship with a girl who wasn’t interested in you anyway. Pobrecito. Deal with it.

And just how are you going to learn how to tell if a girl is interested in you without actually asking her? Do you think you can read her mind? Think we’ll be able to tell you? Been tried on this board before. Problem is, there’s a lot of unconscious behaviors going on - kind of hard to describe in this format, eh?

But if you risk being rejected a few times, you’ll find yourself being able to tell who is interested and who isn’t. But you can’t do that until you get experience, dammit!!!

So stop giving me excuses and go find someone to ask out. :slaps bouv one more time for good measure:

:looks around and slaps 'punha as well:
You too!

15

Do not, repeat not, interfere with or disrupt her “happy” relationship. You will rightfully come off as a rectal cavity and will just as quickly lose her friendship. I know it’s hard to contain your feelings in such circumstances, but you really need to do the right thing if you care about her at all.

Go out and mingle, improve your social skills and take some chances. To quote an old Greek saying:

“Man, like the tortise, makes no progress unless he sticks his neck out.”

16

You might have forgotten this, Zyada dear, but I like pain;)

And the reasons for my low self-esteem have little to do with me telling myself anything.

As for the Latin saying, I’m beginning to wonder if I’m remembering it wrong. I thought fornix was Latin for brothel. Thus “you live in a whorehouse” i.e. “yer a slut”.

It’s been a few years since I did Latin on any basis.

17

::checks latin dictionary::

well, rape me with a chainsaw and call me shirley!

in addition to arched, arch, curve, and arching, it also means brothel!

i wonder what the entomology on THAT one is…

18

For pete’s sake, don’t tell this woman you still pine for her. That is undignified.

  1. Quit hanging out the same places where she hangs out. If she’s at a club or restaurant, then leave. Why in the world would you want to put yourself through the pain of watching her with #2? Quit beating your head against the wall.

  2. Exercise. I tell this to everyone who is going through emotional pain. A punching bag is great, but just about anything will help get those endorphins going. As an added bonus, you’ll inevitably look and feel better about yourself.

  3. Put a rubber band around your wrist and everytime you think about her, give yourself a good snap.

  4. Be honest with yourself. Quit kidding yourself that you are her friend. You aren’t. If you were you’d be glad she found happiness. You are a scorned ex-lover. There is a difference, as you are all too acutely aware.

  5. Get good grades and then do something kick-ass with your life. If you can’t have her, at least make her regret breaking up with you. :slight_smile: