I need some perspective (relationship, end of) LONG

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve spoken with some of my IRL friends, and I just need some more neutral parties. Of course my friends will side with me, so I’m trying hard to see the other side of things, if in fact there is one. I’ll try to make the long story short.

My SO, let’s call her Anne. Anyhow, Anne and I have been dating for a few months over 3 years. I think we were sort of rebounds for each other, but I had been out of a real relationship for about two years, she about 3 or 4 months. Our dating started out fine, just that she was awfully possessive and jealous. This trait never left the relationship, but it got somewhat better towards the end, I suppose.

Anyhow, I’m a fairly level-headed guy, and I’ve always been completely honest with my relationship with her. I’ve never really seen myself being with her forever (though there were fleeting thoughts) and at first, she seemed cool with a casual relationship.

We had a somewhat odd relationship, with me not being totally, passionately in love with her (what she wanted) and with her seeming to be totally in love with me. I tried once, early on, to break up with her, only to be guilted into staying in the relationship. I guess I was weak, but I did love her and enjoyed her company from time to time.

Now, lately I’ve been feeling something’s amiss, so I was an asshole. I’ve done something I’ve never done before: peeked into her e-mails. When you resort to that, you know it’s the end of a relationship. I accepted that. I’ve always trusted her, although she never seemed to trust me. For the record, I’ve never cheated on her, although I had met up with some ex-girlfriends. Purely platonic, although she had a right to perceive them as threats, I suppose.

I find out that one year+ into our relationship she had a torrid affair with her ex in California. I knew she met up with him, and I asked if anything had happened, and I would’ve accepted it if something did. I understand the “ex-factor” and how weird it can be. She repeatedly said “no,” even though I think she knew full well I would’ve been pretty cool with it. (I’m being totally straight about that.) Not only that, but the affair was planned. Completely. E-mails upon e-mails of dirty, dirty text. Wild stuff. I didn’t get sick reading it. Part of me found it vaguely erotic. But this emailing continued for the next year. She planned to meet up with her ex in Spain. Being a moron, I said that was ok, I trust her. I did this because my ex visited me in December 2001, and she trusted me, and I didn’t abuse that trust. I was stupid for letting her come over, I suppose, but she was a close friend, and I knew nothing would happen.

So meanwhile, Anne is writing steamy emails, and being jealous every single time I mention the name of ANY girl. I can also honestly say I’ve never wrote anything sexually provacative to former lovers since dating Anne. Or at any time after a relationship ended.

The liason didn’t happen at the last minute, and her ex disappeared for six months. It was clear from the emails it was purely sexual for him. He wouldn’t let her kiss or hug him. Odd.

Her defense would be that I was not the most attentive boyfriend. I didn’t get jealous very often and I was probably too honest with her. If quizzed, I always told her exactly how I felt and the status of the relationship. I said I can’t see a future right now, because I am unsure of my own future. I didn’t want to make promises I couldn’t keep, but I did love her. I told her if she wasn’t comfortable with it, she should leave the relationship. Maybe I was afraid to love her too much.

But she always played the “relationship morality” card. How she would leave if she learned I cheated on her, etc. The mere mention of an ex would send a fit of rage through her. The irony.

And so curiosity killed the cat. Now the last two years seem a big lie to me. She says it wasn’t a lie, but, well, it was. I honestly thought this was a caring, loving, honest, open person. I’ve always felt guilty for not being passionately in love with her, because I thought she had many of the qualities I desired in an SO. If she only controlled her jealousy and her constant complaining.

It’s amazing how in ten minutes you’re entire world view is changed. I thought I was a good judge of character. This is the first time I know of in which I’ve felt completely screwed. I guess I’m partly to blame for being a pussy and not ending the relationship earlier.

So here’s the question. I have no ill will toward her. Just complete disappointment. I’m not even that angry. She was a ball of tears when she found out, but at some point she uttered her defense, which I cited. End of day: I followed the rules she set down.

I’ve decided it would be best if I never talk to her again. She clearly wants my friendship, since I’m the person she’s spent 95% of the last three years hanging around. Am I being too cruel? Should I forgive and forget? I just can’t ever trust her anymore and I’m a fairly understanding person, but I just can’t seem to jusify what happened in any way.

If I’m wrong, please tell me. I’m willing to admit I may be being a tad hypersensitive here, but my trust in who I though was my best friend is shattered. We are better off not being lovers, but should I be this stubborn?

2

Heck with her.

3

I’m not sure there’s anything wrong with being openly honest with her about your feelings on the relationship. I have the same policy with my SO, because we live so far apart and any change in how we feel could mean one of us is out $40000 in moving costs. I felt my first doubt - doubt that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him - a couple weeks ago and I rushed straight home so I could tell him, and we talked it out and I realised I was being irrational and everything is better for us.

The problem is when both people aren’t being honest or one expects something different than the other despite the honest communication between them. It sounds like you’ve been dealing with the latter; you communicated with her that you felt in one way, but she wanted you to feel another way and couldn’t accept that it wasn’t the way you felt nor the way you show your emotions.

When there’s such a level of miscommunication between people it will probably take quite some time after the break-up for them to get along well. Perhaps now you are being too harsh in saying you never want to speak to her again, but certainly if you feel you can heal best and move on best by not maintaining the “let’s be friends” link with her then by all means you should pursue that. If in the future you feel better about spending time with her as a friend (and don’t feel any urge to give in to the “ex-factor”, as that would significantly complicate things), perhaps then you could re-evaluate your position and resume a casual friendship with her. Perhaps not. But what is more important than allowing her to cling to you, even in a friendly manner, is allowing you to make peace with what has happened and move on. Worry about that, and the rest will all fall into line.

I hope. I’d feel bad if you took my advice and things were miserable. :wink:

4

I don’t think you are under any obligation whatsoever to keep being friends with her, and in fact I think it might be a very bad idea: it seems to me that what you have both been doing for the last few years is using each other to satisfy your needs for compainionship in a rather mediocre, “good enough” way, and this has kept you both from finding more fufilling relationship. In her case, I’d go even further and say it sounds like she has used her ex to fufill her nedfor torrid romance and you to fufill her need for compaionship and emotional support.

One of our most beloved myths is that the capcity for friendship is infinite: it isn’t, because maintaining relationships–intimate or otherwise–takes time, and the time avlible to each of us is finite. If you continue to spend 95% of your time with her (and that’s the pattern that is established), you won’t find anyone else.

As far as misjudging her goes, try not to be too hard on yourself: remember that we all tend to project ourselves onto our loved ones, and since you are not a cheater you couldn’t imagine her cheating, and since she is a cheater she couldn’t imagene you not cheating. (and in fact probably convinced herself that you were as a way to make what she was doing ok). Frankly, I suspect that if my SO were having a raging affair I would never, ever know unless I caught him in the act.
So, to sum everything up: it’s ok NOT to be friends, and it might even be a good idea. If “never” is a hard word, say “I don’t want to see or talk to you for six months, then we will reevaluate.” There is a good chance that in six months both of your lives will have filled up with new things and she won’t even want your company anymore.

5

Thanks so far. Like I said, I normally remain friends with my exes, and have quite nice friendships with some of them. I’ve also given into the “ex-factor” once and it was a total, emotional disaster. Bad. Bad. Bad. I’m 27, and I’m pretty good at controlling my emotions; much moreso than when I was 18 or 19. I guess what it boils down to is the no-talk policy is great for getting over really passionate relationships. This one wasn’t. It was quiet and comfortable. But this is the only relationship I’ve had with anyone ever that I’ve felt so absolutely deceived, and I don’t think the person I loved is the person who is. I really do feel fine. I’ve been in a bit of a slump, and I feel like this has woken me up. Despite the sliminess of the way I went about doing it, I’m actually glad I found out what I did.

And, Manda, you are right. We are not right for each other, and I knew that. I’m a moron for not ending it earlier. I guess it was just easier for me to leave it and maintain the status quo. I was a bit selfish in that respect.

I’ve thought about the projection thing before, but that existed well before her first liason. She’s just a jealous type. I’m also only her 2nd boyfriend, and from what I can tell in her e-mails, she’s only been with the two of us, sexually. I don’t think she even sees herself as a “cheater,” which I think is odd. Obviously, people have to justify themselves. Fine. And she gave me the “it was just sex” line. Yeah, like I would’ve gotten away with that.

When I first met her, she was totally into monogamy. Her e-mails ironically share this view. Something about seeking an old-fashioned relationship and stuff. I’m slightly more relaxed about relationship, and cheating is not an automatic break-up for me. Lack of honesty, though, is. And yes, he was there for the hot steamy sex, I was there for the companionship. I’ve sussed that out.

I guess I just feel my faith in people shaken a bit. I’m sure I’ll get over that soon enough, but, my God, it would be like finding out Cecil Adams isn’t a real person. :slight_smile: My entire weltanshauung shaken.

6

This woman has no self-esteem. She needs help.

You should just walk away.

I don’t think she thought this of you. I think she was either hurt or enraged by your not want to deepen your relationship with her. And probably felt less-than. That there was something wrong with her.

A person with self-esteem probably would just broken it off herself. But I don’t think she could.

OK, I’ll shut up now.

7

Actually, that’s not quite right. I mean, what I said. What I meant to say is that when she hangs out, a vast majority of the time it is with me. She always wanted to spend more time with me. I’ve always been one to maintain a larger circle of friends, and have always encouraged her to have more girl’s night’s out. I generally went out with my friends, and felt like I’ve blown her off many times. She certainly thinks I didn’t spend enough time with her. I think the opposite. Most of the times I’m out, it’s without her. And I usually have more fun in groups than one-on-one. That was another tension. She wanted more; I wanted less.

But don’t get the impression that I spent 95% of my free time with her. My domestic time (at home, that is) was spent mostly with her. But whenever I went out, she came out with me maybe a quarter of the time.

8

CIRCLE GETS A SQUARE!!! Shadoe Stevens for the block.

Yes, this is very, very, very true. I don’t understand why, because she is an extremely sexy person. I guess I tried working on her self-esteem in the beginning, but it just got very, very tiring because she constantly needed reminders. That’s why and how we got together. I gave her that “queen of the universe” feeling, but after the need for constant attention, which I couldn’t give her, I just got emotionally fed up. Sometimes I just wouldn’t care. Sometimes I’d just blow up. Sometimes I would say things I’d later regret. But this didn’t start happening till well after the liason.

She has been seeing a therapist (and, to be honest, she is making some strides) and I think the therapist kind of made her realize it’s time to call it quits with me. Fair enough. She’s been on various types of medication for the last few years, and she wasn’t exactly a bastion of stability when I got involved in her. I guess that was my role. But I do feel that I must have chipped away at her self-esteem with my honesty. And I wasn’t a complete angel, of course. There are two sides to a relationship. I did occassionally take verbal pot-shots at her, and twice we’ve had a physical confrontations. Once she pushed me, and I pushed her back and scratched her ankle, and once I grabbed her arm too tightly that it bruised her, after she hurled a barrage of accusations at me. I’ve never done that to anyone (even male friends) and I immediately fell into tears realizing that I became a bit of a Mr. Hyde. Y’all don’t know me from Adam, but I’m generally considered easy-going, happy-go-lucky Pete. God, it’s all the text book warning signs, isn’t it? :smack: So, to be fair, I was an asshole in those occassions. Those were also later (two years+) into the relationship, after the second liason didn’t happen.

Obviously, some weird co-dependence cycle must’ve started happening, or I was afraid to find out what happens if I finally call it quits.

The odd thing is, two months ago I started having unexplainable panic attacks and just general anxiety. I thought it had to do with
money and wanting steadier work. (Freelance photography isn’t the stablest profession.) But since I’ve found all this out, my anxiety level has dropped, and I haven’t been afraid of experiencing panic attacks.

I guess I must have known all along what was going on; just was afraid to deal with it. Lesson learned.

9

Honestly, this sounds like a relationship that should have ended a long time ago. It looks like their were all sorts of warning signs there but neither of you were willing to recognize them.

My advice to you is you don’t have to be friends. The decision to forgive someone is a highly personal one and you are the only who can truly make that decision. It sounds like you really don’t want to be friends with her but are willing to do so out of a sense of guilt. If this is why you would remain friends, don’t. Guilt is the worst reason to do anything relationshipwise. In the long run, you’ll be miserable and so will she. A clean break is what is needed. Any relationship without trust is not worth having.

10

I’m with brujo. This relationship should have been over a long time ago.

Any guilt you might feel over her problems with self-esteem, or a feeling you might have been “leading her on” or “not doing the right thing” by not ending it sooner should be quelled, completely, by the fact that she cheated. Sure she may have her reasons for that, dysfunctional though they may be, but it was wrong.

Inertia is a powerful force, isn’t it? It’s not your fault you stayed together this long, nor is it your fault that she chose not to widen her circle. I’ve been in her shoes (all my friends were my ex’s friends) and it wasn’t pretty, how lonely I felt, but things always worked out and I expanded my circle.

You can’t make a bad relationship good retrospectively by having a perfect breakup. I have tried that–it’s a foolish waste of emotional energy. Staying friends is a nice idea, but I think this is one case where you’d both be better off calling it total quitsville. After she grows up a bit, maybe you can be friends. Or not–I don’t think it would reflect on you.

11

Thanks all! Yeah, it’s amazing how far inertia can carry you. We both know this should’ve been over long ago. Luckily, I got an friend from New York visiting, crashing at my place, and the excitement of seeing somebody you haven’t seen in awhile is helping tremendously. Thanks everybody, seriously.