Ouch. Heart break.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

A couple of months ago, I made a post about how I met a wonderful guy through livejournal. Well, turns out he isn’t so wonderful. Or maybe he is. All I know is that right now I’m hurting. I don’t want to make a three page post about this because I know I could if I wanted to. So to keep it short, we started chatting with different expectations. He wanted to be drinking buddies and I thought we were going out for dates. And the difference in expectations kept building up, I guess. It really hurts, because before we made it official boyfriend/girlfriend, I had told him that just because I held his hand, it didn’t make us bf/gf, and he asked how he could change that, so I thought he wanted to be bf/gf. After thinking about it for a bit, I had “a talk” with him, and we’d been official for a month or so. Then… last night, he told me (online, no less) that he didn’t think he went into this relationship for the right reasons, that he doesn’t think it’ll go anywhere with me and that he liked another girl and would like to see where it goes with her.

It hurt so much.

So much that I was basically an idiot and I repeated myself a lot, and at the end, we basically “agreed” that we were going to “slow down” and date other people but still be “more than friends”. Thing is, he said he didn’t think it’d EVER be more than “more than friends” and he doesn’t see himself in a relationship with me. Of course, this let me to wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I finally find someone that I thought liked me but turns out he didn’t, and he even said (without saying) that I cornered him into a relationship.

I know I shouldn’t haven’t invested so much emotion over something so short, but this was my first adult relationship. Before, even though I had steady boyfriends, I knew it could end any day and didn’t spend so much emotion on those. But this relationship was the first one I had since I turned 18 (I’m 19 now) and I just… feel like shit over this.

It just hurts so much. Like he ripped my heart out and shoved it down my throat because he didn’t even think to mask his reasons and told me out right that it wasn’t him, but it was me.

2

That sucks. I tend to do the same thing: I invest too much, too quickly. It’s something that I just have to work on and be aware of. For getting over heartbreak, I personally like to watch action movies (no romantic side-plots), hang out with my guy friends (no girl-talk) and generally try to get my mind off relationships and romance. I hope you feel better soon.

3

That does suck, but it seems that at least he’s being honest and open about his feelings. That goes a long way, especially as you get out in the world more and realize that this is not necessarily always the case by a long shot.

It’s hard to hear, but duplicity and/or a refusal to address this early on in the relationship would only lead to greater problems and heartache down the road.

Good luck to you, get out and keep living your life. You find (or be found) soon enough by the right person.

P

4

I’m not sure what to say really. Just, that really sucks. You have my sympathy. :frowning:

5

I know it hurts - but you are young and more resilient than you probably realize right now.

A bit of unsolicited advice: If I were you, I would cease communications and interaction with this man. His “more than friends but less than a committed relationship” agenda indicates that he just wants you available for when he has nothing better lined up. To me, this is very exploitive - you deserve better. It will be easier for you to be resolved in not allowing yourself to be used if you don’t have contact with him.

6

The Weird One, it’s nice to know I wasn’t just being silly over a 2 month relationship. The thing about this was that it blind sided me entirely. I thought we were okay, and one minute we’re chatting, and the next minute, it’s “Hey, you’re not the right girl for me.” I never had anyone break up with me before, it was always me who ended things, so now I guess I know what it feels like. Just a little tiny part of me wished he’d shown his asshole side so I could have at least seen it coming.

picker, yeah, I know he didn’t sugar coat anything, and I don’t know, maybe I’m the type who’d rather be lied to if in the end, the truth accomplishes nothing but make me hurt more. Alas, like you said, the real world isn’t all candy and flowers that smell nice, so a harsh dose of reality so I don’t screw the next relationship up. Assuming there IS a next relationship.

AngelicGemma, you may think you didn’t say anything, but as someone who usually doesn’t get a lot of replies on this message board, your reply was enough to let me know that you read my OP and you heard me and my pain.

I guess I sort of mentioned this in the OP, but part of what I think makes me really stupid is how he wanted to keep me as “back up” and I agreed to it. After a night of not sleeping and lying in my bed thinking about it, I’m thinking… NO FUCKING WAY. Gawd, that was a stupid thing to agree to. It also doesn’t help that he unloaded all of this onto me right before my finals. Jerkwad. (Wow, I’m already onto my anger stage!)

7

Well, good for you on the anger part!
I was just going to second wonderwench’s comments, but I see you’ve already got a firm grip on that. :smiley:
Man, that part just jumped out at me. :mad:
He was a jerkwad, cut off all communication with him. He doesn’t deserve you.

8

Ugh, sorry to hear this happened to you. I’ve been there too. I am really glad that you’ve decided not to settle for being his “backup”. You deserve someone who is so excited about being with you that he’ll jump at the chance to be your boyfriend instead of doing this waffling nonsense. You don’t need to waste time on anyone who is ambivalent about you.
That’s something I myself only learned after I let a dude string me along for a few months while he was trying to make up his mind between me and another girl. :stuck_out_tongue:

I can assure you that this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Sometimes people just don’t have the right chemistry together, and sometimes the person is just too dumb to realize what a good thing they could have with you :slight_smile: I am sure someday you’ll find a good man who will recognize your good qualities and consider himself very lucky to have you.

9

I had something similar happen several months ago. I desperately tried to make an online relationship work out, and I felt that the other person had a lot in common with me and that we’d be very compatible. However, a great amount of distance really complicated things, and in the end she wasn’t comfortable with the idea that someone would like her so much they’d be willing to travel thousands of miles just to be with her.

I was hurt at first, but later realized I had put way too much into something that turned out to be nothing. There wasn’t even a relationship or anything, it was just lonely Incubus imploding from the weight of his own delusion. :frowning:

However, it was extremely constructive, and even though I was saddened by it, I took it as a positive learning experience. I’m in an actual relationship, and it is going well, but no matter how optimistic I am about it, I think I am more emotionally prepared for anything, even the worst. I don’t want the relationship I’m in to fall apart, but I think that I’m at a point in my life where I won’t shed any more tears over something like that.

10

That’s horrid, 7 up yours. Join me for a pint of Ben and Jerry’s on the couch nd a sappy-movie marathon on TV? hugs

11

wonderwench, you managed to sneak in there before I posted, but yeah, I was being stupid last night. I took a good hard look at it, and aside from seeing him on Saturday to get my stuff back, I’m not going to have contact with him. I will even give him back the gifts he made seem I coerced him into buying. :rolleyes:

harmless, yeah, I was in a hysterical fit and wanted to cling onto anything I could, but c’mon, I’m a 'Doper!!! I may not be the most intelligent poster, but I’m not brain dead!

Incubus, sorry to hear that your online relationship didn’t work, but glad to know that you’ve found someone else. The thing with this was that it wasn’t an exclusive online relationship. We met online, but we did real-life things like go to movies, have dinner, go over to his house, kiss, fool around. This was what I thought was a real boyfriend / girlfriend relationship, and then I just get side swiped by it. It hurt because I didn’t think there was a reason we’d break up, but he obviously did.

Kythereia, you just make the idea of moving to Toronto SO tempting. I was there last summer, and I had such a good time, when I came back, I was telling everyone that I’d move to Toronto as soon as I graduated from university. Alas, although my heart is in Toronto, my physical self is in Vancouver. Boo!

And I know a lot 'Dopers are going to frown upon this, and advise against it, but I was talking to a very good friend of mine last night after I talked to the jerkwad and I was saying how I think I would have invested my time into any other guy I met, not just this jerkwad if I had the opportunity, and it wasn’t HIM that I liked, but the idea of someone to have fun with on a Friday night. So, she suggested that I come out and hang out with a couple of her single guy friends, and see if I see any I like and take it from there. I know, it’s like I’m on the rebound, but looking deep down inside me, I don’t want to have fun with another guy to spite him, but because I want to get out there, and let the world know how great and fun I am and I deserve much much MUCH better.

12

Well, then go shake your groove thang. :smiley:

13

Semi-update… last night, while I was chatting with my friends online, and had about five windows open, frantically trying to talk to everyone and give them equal time, he messages me with a “I think I might have made a mistake.” VERRRRY fortunately for me, I was talking to Jay and having a blast chatting with him, and my friends that I laughed and I laughed and I laughed at the pathetic loser who thinks he might have made a mistake. :rolleyes:

14

Friends and laughter are a good mixed tonic!

Stay strong!

15

Probable translation: “The other girl I liked blew me off.”

16

What a dorkus!
I think the All Wise Ferret Herder has nailed this one.

[homer]Mmmm…brains…[/h]

Never thought you were! I meant I couldn’t believe the audacity of him trying to keep you as a ‘back up’.
[Estelle]No harm, no foul[/E] :slight_smile:

17

Don’t feel too bad about hanging around a bunch of single guys. I think it would boost your self-confidence with all the attention you’d probably get.

18

Mistake? Pfffft! Too late, buddy!

Maybe you should tell him he’s too late… but of course, you’re willing to keep him as backup. Bwahaha! :cool: I kid, of course.

It is good that you are feeling better!

(Oh, and hi, from another girl in Vancouver. Hehe.)

19

Can I ask a clarifying question - was this a LDR or local?
Makes a big difference.
If it’s LDR, I have tons of sympathy and even more stories for you. If it’s local, then, i feel badly for the fact that you may have to run into said loaf at some other function.

Either way, Sympathies and empathy’s.

Respectfully,

Inky

20

I’m glad you’re not falling for his stupid “oh, I might have changed my mind” crap. Good luck to you. :slight_smile: