I don't think it's going to work out with my boyfriend, and I'm sad

We’ve been dating since September. We’ve had a lot of fun times, but there something that has never quite been right. I’ve finally gotten tired of waiting for things to get better, and told him he has to decide if he’s in or if he’s out. He’s been pretty incommunicado, so I imagine this is about it.


I’m looking forward to the prospect of finding someone who can better fill my needs, but it’s still sad. I’m putting on a brave face, but I’ve been sleeping poorly and generally unproductive. I know this whole thing is getting to me.

Any advice, words of wisdom, consolation. etc?

Without ANY real details its kinda hard to tell who is the tool/fool here.

Hey, if you want sympathy I’ll send some your way. If you want advice, you better give some details (not that I am that great on advice, but I suspect some others here are).

I don’t think there needs to be a “tool/fool”. Not every relationship fails because someone in it is a jerk.

I’d say take it easy on yourself, even sven. Put on a brave face for the outside world, if you need to, but don’t put one on for yourself. Cry, or not, as needed. Do the things you enjoy doing by yourself. Do the “relaxation” or “making myself feel better” things you do. For me, I’d have a good book, a glass of red wine and a nice long bath. After a nice long cry. And I’d repeat both as necessary.

Well, what’s done is done, so I don’t think advice about the relationship is going to help much, although advice about how to plod through a slightly-less-than-heartbreaking but still not fun break up would be great.

Basically, he’s always been emotionally unavailable (something that I am guilty of, too), but it seemed like whenever I’d be about to give up there would be some kind of breakthrough and he’d show some kind of trust. Anyway, we still had a heck of a good time with each other, so it seemed worth it. There have been red flags all along, but we pretty much agreed to keep going while it was fun, and to know when it’d run it’s course. Recently, he’s been pulling away even more than usual, and it’s stopped being fun for me. I don’t think he’s cheating or there is anything shady going on, I think he just has too many of his own emotional problems to have much leftover to give me. My mother told me “never make anyone a priority who only makes you an option,” and I’m starting to feel like an option.

I have a history of dragging things out and not moving on when I should. I don’t want to do that this time. I’m young and in a fun city, and if I’m not getting what I need, I think I ought to be looking for it. There is no reason for me to fight a guy who is pushing me away. If you push me away, eventually I’ll go away. I think he’s a decent guy at heart, and I know I’m a pretty decent girl. But if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.

Of course, there is always that voice in your head that says “Holy shit, you are making a huge mistake!” but I think it’s best to ignore that.

Still, it’s sad. It’s sad to do something that can’t be undone, and sad to give up on something no matter how not-ideal it was.

I’m sorry, sven. Yes, of course it’s sad. There will certainly be a grieving period, and my advice is to be gentle with yourself while you grieve. Find things that are a comfort to you, and utilize them as much as possible.

I know it’s trite and cliche and stuff, but, This Too Shall Pass.

For most of us, it takes a lot of tries to find someone who is truly compatible. Keep trying!

Indeed. And it could be worse; I have about the same problems as you, but I’m married and we have a toddler. So I’m pretty much stuck. :frowning:

Nothing to offer but sympathy, here. This too, shall pass.

You’re such an interesting person, I’m sure you’ll find someone perfect for you soon. I’m not of the opinion that relationships must always be a lot of work; I think it’s worth it to keep looking until you find someone that’s easy to be with. Good luck to you.

Divorce and a new man isn’t an option?

Unless you are grafted together at the waist, divorce is always an option.

Sad situation, but I think you’re doing the right thing. Sometimes relationships can go onto autopilot and you end up in a much deeper relationship than you should be with someone incompatible just because you’ve been together X long and so it seems like the right thing to do. Better to realize it isn’t right and walk away before you’re several years in and feel like there is too much history to walk away from.

Unfortunately, I have midterms right now and a ton to do, but I feel to "blah’ to get much of it done. I’ve been sleeping poorly and just not having a good time of things. I’m hoping when we finally get things resolved, these blues will fade a bit. I’m trying to take care of myself- exercise, meditating, writing in my journal, not ruminating. I think I’ll weather this okay in the end, but it’ll suck for a while.

That’s a good way to put it, Opal. I do have a tinge of “well, we’ve gone this far…,” but I guess it’s true that feeling close is not the same as being compatible. The truth is that we are compatible in a lot of ways, and I think at different points in our life maybe it could have worked better. But right now it’s not the right thing.

Thanks, Renee. I agree that relationships should generally work without having to force it too much. There is a difference between putting in the effort to keep a relationship going, and putting in the effort to create something from scratch. I feel pretty confident that I can find someone that it just “works” with.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this sven. I know it may seem a bit bleak right now, but time will make it better. And you have done the right thing for yourself, so just hang in there.

I like Chris Rock’s advice. There is no such thing as a “soul mate”. You aren’t going to find that perfect person who likes Seinfeld and the Wu Tang Clan (although I do, but I guess I’m the only one). Best you can hope for is someone to eat with and fuck because that’s all a relationship is. If you don’t like eating with someone and you aren’t fucking them, you don’t need to be in a relationship.

I do agree, there’s no such thing as the ‘perfect’ partner; I’ve always thought that the best you could hope for is someone you like being with, whose bad habits don’t make you totally homicidal. :wink:

I can honestly say that after 26 years together, my husband and I still enjoy one another’s company. But it took me quite a while to find that in a guy. I was so hung up on finding someone I was “in looooooove” with. (Don’t get me wrong, I do love my husband; but I’m not sure I’ve ever been ‘in love’ with him. Do you get the distinction? The guys I have been ‘in love’ with, I’m sure would have been disastrous as long-term partners).

There’s worse advice. Luckily, I enjoy eating with Himself. :slight_smile:

I figured from what you said in the pickup artist thread that you weren’t going to be with this guy for long, sven. It’s tough, but you sound like you know it’s for the best. I couldn’t believe when Mr. Athletic Director Who Worked An Hour Away And Only Read Business Books broke up with me - I cried! I still have no idea why.

That’s the conclussion my 12th grade class came up to, I don’t even remember what the subject had started as. It was Spanish class, so maybe “love in books”? Anyway, the teacher was pretty surprised; she said we’d given it more thought than most of her friends (she was in her 30s).

I’ve had smoke in my eyes once, had huge crushes without the smoke a couple of times. Love, crushes, friendship or whathaveyou, I much prefer it without smoke.

Better luck next time, sven.

Hehehe. We are funny creatures, huh?

I think part of what is going on is that I am in a weird place in my life, where I am putting off settling down but also kind of done with relationships that are not going somewhere. I think until I figure out what I am looking for, I’m not going to get what I want.

sven I am in the exact same boat, only I’ve been letting it linger for over a year now. Have the same thoughts and history with relationships as you.

But I’m not in a fun city and not as young as you are (I’m a crotchety 31). If I had those things going for me, I’d feel much better about going out and finding someone new.

I feel you about the letting go part. I don’t have anything to add because I can’t let go. Maybe you’ll feel better knowing there are people out there more pathetic than you who wish you the best, for all our sakes :slight_smile:

What the hell does that even mean? Sheesh, there’s just no pleasing some women.

I’ve only been married ten years, and I still enjoy my wife’s company…

…but that phrase, while true, is like describing a sunset in terms of the wavelengths of light that happen to be visible. I love my wife, and I’m IN love with my wife.

Now it’s true that in the past, I had “in love” moments that were full of both passion and drama, and fit very nicely into what you said – they would have been disastrous as long-term partners. Which is why I didn’t partner with any of 'em.

And in the past, I also had “comfortable,” girlfriends, with whom I liked spending time but wasn’t thrilled to my very core. Didn’t partner with any of them, either.

I guess what I’m saying is that your conclusion doesn’t ring true for me. Perhaps in sixteen years, I’ll be saying what you’re saying… but I can’t imagine it.