My other identity as of this moment is dumpee. It’s been about 18 hours now since I had a boyfriend, lover, best friend, confidant, and other half. At the start of the conversation, he was all those things. At the end of it, he was someone I’ll probably run into some day.
It wasn’t my choice to end it. I would’ve married him. I can’t explain the pain I feel or the absolute futility I see in ever dating anyone again. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone who I connected with so well, even though the obvious observation is that if we connected so well he wouldn’t have left.
It just doesn’t seem that way to me right now. It seems like he left because he’s searching for something I’m not sure he’ll find. Please take my word that there was nothing scandalous, nothing that would’ve told me it was coming. Other than something in the back of my mind that was always afraid he was 37 for a reason.
I’m devastated, heartbroken, and probably fired after calling in sick. I don’t know how it will get better. I don’t know how I can get the idea of him laughing and sharing dinner in the future with some other woman out of my head. I don’t know how I can exist imagining someone else in his shower where all my stuff used to be.
I’m lost without him. And he’s not ever coming back. This I know.
Oh, I’m sorry that happened, sugar. You’re right. He may never find what he’s looking for…sometimes it’s hard to put your finger on what exactly isn’t right.
As it is, there’s nothing but time that will make things better. Don’t let yourself get bitter…you only hurt yourself. Keep yourself busy and let time do its work. I wish I had better advice for you.
There are many times on this board that I read posts that simply do not fit under the “mundane and pointless” heading. Perhaps we could use a new forum area.
I wish I could take away your pain but I am just a stranger to you. I can offer only this limited advice.
Do not tie your identity to someone else. You are who you are. You are not lost without him. You are the same person you were before he left. It seems it is he who has lost himself. Your goals and dreams can take into consideration someone else, but they should not be dependant upon someone else.
It’s okay to feel bad. Give yourself a little self pity time, then pick yourself up and realize that you are not any less of a person without him.
Time heals all wounds. It will take a while, but you’ll heal.
Vent in safe ways, if you must. Talk about it. In my experience, that always helped.
I wish I could do more.
Take a deep breath. I mean it. Slow that heart rate down a little.
Now…this fella’s going to end up with a broken neck after the fall from the pedistal you’ve put him on. Stop for a minute. He’s human. You’re human. That means neither of you is perfect. And that is okay.
I can’t hug you or let you cry on my shoulder–physically impossible, I’m sorry to say. But I can talk to you. And listen too. I wish I could say the one thing that will make it all better. I don’t know what that is. But you might. And it takes some searching inside yourself–and some time in doing it.
I refuse to bash him or what he’s done to you. Would accomplish very little, and hurt you in the process. In a strange, unimaginable and probably (it might seem to you right now) confusing way he has opened something up inside you by doing this. Not like a wound…more like a window.
If you love yourself–and you must love yourself–you need to look through that ‘window.’ (sorry for the bad metaphors) You have a chance right now to help yourself heal by looking at all the things you’ve GAINED, not lost. How you are a better person for experiencing the relationship. Is he totally responsible for those changes? Of course not. You are. And you can do more for yourself right now–while the pain is fresh.
Do not make this a situation about him. And don’t let it drown you. I know, I know…that seems impossible. Now is the time to notice a few things about yourself.
You’re still alive. Doesn’t seem like much? No, no. It is the most important thing.
You were alive before you met him.
You have the ability to care deeply about someone. Many, many people cannot make that claim.
You have the ability to use this situation to learn something about who you are and what things you really want in a companion.
Finally, understand that there might be a chance that he was the one who made the mistake. I’m not bashing him. You care about him–I don’t want to hurt you. But whatever motivated him to make this break might very well be rooted in something about *him,*not you. You are a victim of it…and that is where you educate yourself so that you will not take on responsibility for things that are not your responsibility.
oh, and let it out. You’re entitled to have your feelings. Just don’t convince yourself that those feelings won’t change over time. You don’t want anyone else right now? Of course not. And you don’t need anyone. But some day…perhaps?
I hope I haven’t rambled on too much. I wish I were there to buy you a big ice cream cone. And give a hug when you need it.
Take care of you.
I don’t really have any words right now. When I get sad I wonder how MR BLUE would react. Below is a link to Garrison Keillor’s column in Salon.com. I encourage you to read through some of his responses to help pass the hurt time away. He would probably hug you and suggest you avoid alcohol, clean your house, and not date for a while.
All great advice from struuter. I can’t add much except to say that there is also something good about being single. Instead of dating someone else, “date” yourself. Now is the time to try that great restaurant he never would go to or rent that movie he never wanted to see, etc.
I think everyone can benefit from some alone time and introspection. And DEFINITELY take some time to cry and be sad. Don’t rush yourself into getting over it, no matter what anyone else says.
I know it dosn’t seem like it now, but there is nothing worse than being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Don’t expect to heal overnight.
Do enjoy your newfound freedom. He never liked Mexican food and you do, go out for Mexican, he never liked the theatre, but you do, go see a play. Alone if you have to (bring a book to the restaurant, you are never alone with a good book).
Call up your friends and tell them you need them now. Don’t have close friends?..call up some aquaintances and make some friends.
I always found banana splits were helpful in the first few days.
Sorry to hear about your heartbreak winneee. All I can say is that though it does not seem like it right now, things will get better. I wish that something could take the hurt away right now but unfortuanetly only time heals these wounds. Take care and I hope you feel better soon.
I’m not the type to jump in with little hug brackets or anything, but allow me to share this:
My wife dumped me in 1997. I was 29 years old, and we had been together for almost 5 years. The circumstances are not really that important, except to say that she was looking for something I wasn’t managing to give her (no, not that!) and that it was entirely her decision to leave.
I felt the way your describe in the OP for about 6 weeks after it happened. I moved out in June '97 and got an apartment a few miles closer to my job. I wrote letters to her daily. I got caller ID, just to see if she might have called the apartment while I was at work. I bought a guitar and tried to learn to play songs from her favorite artists on the off chance we got back together. I even left some Christmas presents on her porch that winter. It was the worst six months of my life.
It took about that long to really pull myself together and decide to move on. I hated my job, hated the idea that I might run across her in the mall or at the courthouse or something, and hated seeing things that reminded me of things we had done. So I decided to move. I found a new job (on a tiny tropical island in a remote corner of the Pacific Ocean), packed up a few pieces of clothes, donated everything else to goodwill, and started a new life.
(My webpage picks up the story from here. Stick with the diary long enough and you’ll find ruminations about my ex- as late as April '98 or so. You’ll be thinking about him for years to come. So it goes.)
The point is that you’re going to feel like a worthless and pathetic human being for a few weeks. You’ll be unable to visualize any clear future for yourself. Maybe that’s good. Here’s a chance to break out of the life you were living in and look at the world differently for a while. Once you manage to navigate through that initial funk, it’s time to start a new chapter.
If you can manage it, quit your job and move somewhere you’ve always wanted to go. If not, stop hanging out at places you used to go to together and find new places to go. Take up an active hobby that you previously thought nothing about-- scuba diving or mountain biking or skydiving or something. Join a gym and devote all of your spare time and energy getting into kick-ass shape. Throw out all your furniture and re-decorate. Paint the walls a different color than they are now. Distance yourself as far as you can from the woman who got dumped.
There is nothing except time that will make you feel better. Give yourself six full weeks to wallow and weep, and then get started on Winneee 2.0. Best wishes.
The same thing happened to me about three years ago. I felt like you did about the other person. It was sudden and unexpected and I thought I would never get over it. Also, like you, there was nothing scandalous about it–no other person, etc.
Someone else asked you what was the reason he gave for leaving. My guess is that he didn’t have a good reason (ie. “It’s not you, it’s me”, which is what I got–I still don’t know the real reason he left).
You are probably right about the fact that you must not have connected as deeply as you thought. I was in the same boat and the break up opened my eyes WIDE! That was the best part about it. You will learn a lot about yourself and what you want in a person. You won’t go through another relationship with blinders on again.
It does take time and a lot of “I can never date anyone else again” crying jags, but I found the absolute man of my dreams and I just wanted to let you know that you don’t get only one chance at love. It CAN happen for you again. You may still have residual bitterness and apprehension when you start dating someone again, but if he is patient, you can work it out. Just give yourself lots of time and don’t rush into any other relationship right away. You need to get to know YOU again. That’s the most important thing! Good luck!
K
P.S. After reading the above, I realize I sounded like Tony Robbins. I’m such a dork!
winneee, I am really sorry. I wish that I could say something that would magically make everything better. Just from your OP [sub] (it made me tear up a bit)[/sub], you sound like a deeply caring and loving person. You’ll find love again.
In the meantime, worry about you for a while. Take care of yourself and put yourself first. And remember that it will get better, it always does.
Now I’m doing a multi-cry and am getting teary reading the posts. Thank you very much for the hugs. Thank you for being kind and making me feel better.
Struuter, a really, really nice post with ice cream to boot.
Nurlman, you don’t know how much a ‘been there’ experience helps.
Winnee, I think I may know something of what you feel. Strangely enough, the potential romance that I was aiming for fell apart about fifteen hours ago. Even more strangely, as related here
all of the sudden I don’t feel quite so bad about it.
Take comfort in the fact that there are over three billion men in the world, and one of them is most assuredly the one for you.
And, if you like, you can take additional comfort in the virtual massage parlor, where someone will probably be willing to help you relax a bit. Good Luck, Babe - I know it hurts, but it’s bound to get better!
iampunha
I’m with you on the serotonin side, but you’ve made me very curious on the potato side. Are these chemicals that are effected by cooking, or is any favorite way of preparing them likely to be a good way to get these benefical chemicals?
Personally, chemicals or no, a big batch of home made mashed potatoes makes me happy.
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{{{{{{{{{{winneee}}}}}}}}}}
Good advice, and keep in mind that crying releases good helpful chemicals into your blood stream too, so no reason to hold yourself back unless it’s becoming something you can’t control.
Is there a Ben and Jerry’s ice cream parlor in your geographic locale? Their parlors have flavors that can’t be found in the grocery store and that’s one of those special treats I like to give myself need to work though the blues.
