Poor winneee! Expect to feel the pain for some time. A fiance dumped me back in 79, and although I have been happily married for over 18 yrs, that dumping STILL hurts. Get to know yourself again, sleep alot and eat chocolate.
Hmmmm, he’s 37 and single. He says crap like “I love you, but something is missing.”
I know what’s missing: his brain.
He’s obviously an effing moron and you are totally better off without him. He’d have just screwed you up later. Imagine if you had married him–there’d be community property and kids and all that to mess with, too.
A phrase my grandmother used is as valid today as it was a hundred years ago: Good riddance to bad rubbish!
Oh dear, I feel for you. How terrible a spot to be in.
We’ve all been there, if it helps.
It’s clear you are a caring and compassionate person capable of a deep and meaningful partnership. This tells me you won’t be alone for too long.
As terrible as the circumstance is, when you are without a partner, whatever the reason, you have a unique opportunity.
You have an opportunity to come into yourself more fully. In a way that one can only do alone. An opportunity you should take my dear. Such opportunities are rare in life.
Change jobs, move house, take up painting, wear purple. Definitely start moving the furniture directly.
You were alone before you met this man, and in life, there is always the chance any of us could find ourselves alone tomorrow. It behooves us as, strong individuals, to always hang onto that part of ourselves.
You are a strong, smart, sharp and compassionate goddess. We can all see it soo clearly. If he didn’t, or it wasn’t enough for him, well, he’s only showing you who he really is.
I know these are only words from strangers but we are after all a community and we care about you.
We feel your pain.
(eat chocolate, put the stereo on loud, burn his leftovers in the fireplace, dance - dancing always seems the best revenge)
If it’s destruction and clamour you desire, empty the icetray, take the cubes into the bathroom and throw them as hard as you can into the stall. Lots of noise and destruction and very little clean up!
Oh don’t be sad!
I know how dumb that sounds, but for me, it takes a long time and then i realize that I wouldn’t want to be with someone who apparently doesn’t love, or doesn’t act like it.
Why would you bother to put the energy into loving a person who doesn’t love you?
Yes, one of my favourite things about getting dumped is when i start dating myself again and listening to all my music and dancing around the kitchen whilst washing the dishes and listening to Bjork and getting water on the floor and occasionally breaking a dish or two and spinning around and making dishwashing into a musical.
I know you don’t feel like doing this now, but the day will come when you want to sing again and that’s the best feeling in the world. In my opinion, the day that I finally get myself back is better than the first time He ever said he loved me.
Be brave. Smile. Pretend like you are enjoying yourself and after a while it should work.
Many hugs.
{{{winneee}}}
I’m really sorry that happened. I am currently in a somewhat rough patch with my boyfriend of three years, and it’s just killing me. But it will get better, at least I have to hope so, and so will your situation. At least you’re not in limbo. You know what’s going on, and that is always somewhat positive.
Hypergirl, things will get better. Maybe we can both be bummed for each other or cancel each other out and both be happy? I feel what you’re going through.
Night 2 of the break-up and, again, thanks. I didn’t sleep last night because I didn’t want to wake up and be confused and think everything was ok.
I miss him and wish I was there. I can’t go to sleep and think about good times. I don’t know. I miss him.
A. Time moves on, you’ll feel better someday. Hold on to that thought.
B. At least he dumped you now, not later when there were more things in the relationship to deal with (kids).
C. Like my Mom said, after my first nervous breakdown/breakup “There are more fish in the pond.”
Really, it’s easy to see the good things in a breakup, especially if you’re distant from the relationship. I can tell you that if he gave that slim of an excuse for dumping you, you don’t need him.
It’s hard to think like this, but this is in the past now, leave it there and move on. Live the future, don’t mourn the past.
Wow, winneee, from a guy that still wonders how a girl who dropped him 4 years ago is, best of luck . . .
The only reason we split is because she was tied to Albany, NY, and I was tied to the rest of the world. Long distance stuff doesn’t work out. But as much as I still miss her, I learned three little words: “Life Goes On” . . .
Besides, you may have lost him. . . But you still have us! 
Tripler
Maybe not what you were looking for, but it’s a ray of sunshine!
I’m back…
The good news is that I’m now positive it’s not possible to die of heartbreak. It’s amazing how the thing can still beat and pump blood when it’s so mashed.
I’m not any less sad, but maybe I’m getting a little more used to the idea. Just a little, though. No giant steps for me. No sirreee.
I woke up and remembered I wasn’t his girlfriend the very first thing. I started crying before I was really awake.
I’ve talked to friends, although not as much as you’d probably think, given my state of self-pity. The ones I have talked to have done the required, “we didn’t like him anyway” thing.
I know that it’s not about losing my identity and that I’m still somebody. But I despise the thought of starting over. I resent being at L or M (that was in a movie, Chapter Two) and having to go back to A. I hate the thought of having another first date, of waiting for him to say something that makes me know it won’t work. I hate the thought of having to go through the process, of having to wonder if he’ll call.
To make matters worse, I can tell you the drill. I’m one of those really great first daters, first few monthers. I make one hell of an impression. I am blessed with the ability to yank out the old wit, as appropriate, and to really win 'em over.
But here’s the problem: You get past the initial wow and I’m shy, insecure, and not at all what I seem to be. It’s hard for me to trust, it’s hard for me sometimes to kick back and just throw caution to the wind. So, I manage to rope in people who find me attractive on the date interview and for the first few months, but are then surprised that I’m not as confident or secure as I first seemed to be.
Happens every time.
I just can’t look forward to being single again. I had someone and he was getting to know me and we were on a path. He weathered the turbulence of knowing me and was my friend. I just want who I had.
Hi Winneee, i see you’re still posting.
And yes, i’m still reading this thread. Everybody has said a lot of nice things that may be of litle consolation now, but when you get to ******* (as opposed to L or M) you will look back at what people wrote here and it will be wonderful.
What you said about making a great impression, and nobody seeing your insecurities…
I think the way it should work ideally is that during the first date the man will be impressed, by it will be in the shallow kind of way. And then the more he knows you and the deeper he sees into your soul, the more he will love you.
It works that way too, you know.
Besides, being single is great fun sometimes. Oh yes.
You know that. You must remember what it feels like to Wait for His Call and all that crap, but you also have to remember what it feels like when a new person says hello and how surpised you will be when you realize that- Oh my God, I am actually finding myself attracted to someone other than X!
That’s another one of those liberating steps after getting dumped.
There is this guy-
Nothing ever became of my crush on him, but I think of him very highly to this day because he was the first person I was ever attracted to after I got dumped by the boyfriend who I thought ruined me. I don’t none of this stuff can help very much now, but I think you are doing great.
Reading the OP and some of the replies feel like a punch in the gut, becuase I can so vividly recall feeling like this. More than once, unfortunately. It’s unbelievable how painful it can be, how long it can last, and how bleak it can look when you are in the midst of it.
What helped me: Taking it one day at a time. Reading the book “How to Survive the Loss of a Love” and bawling over every page. Reading “Love is Hell” by Matt Groenig and laughing a lot. Avoiding mushy movies and books for a while.
It does get better. It may take a while, longer than feels normal. But it does get better.
After my last bad breakup 6 years ago, I went through several relationships where I was just going through the motions. I wasn’t really happy; I was still grieving for the guy, and I wondered if I’d ever get over it. I felt broken inside. Even though I felt that ex was perfect for me, I was disgusted with myself for doing the same thing you’re describing: being a great girlfriend at first, but then getting insecure and increasingly worm-like. I doomed the relationship by being weak and needy, and be secretly resenting him for not making up for my weakness by propping up my insecurities.
Finally, to my surprise, I met someone good. And I was able to break that “descent into spineless needyness” pattern. I healed. I’m a good wife in the best relationship I’ve ever had in my life. I still think about that ex, even though he’s married with two kids and I’m married with one. I know he still thinks of me, too. But I don’t long for him. I’ve said this before: I think there are many pots and many lids. There may be many men who are right for you. You’ll meet one sometime and the timing will be right for both of you and you’ll both be able to hold up your end of the relationship successfully. And you’ll love each other for your warts. That may seem like something so far off you can’t even feel hopeful about it now. That’s okay. Just be good to yourself right now. Don’t beat yourself up. Even good people have failed relationships.
Do you have a pet, and/or do you like animals? Is your family close by?
I went through several breakups myself between my two marriages, and I allowed them to be dreadful blows to my self-esteem. I hope that won’t happen to you, and I think starting this thread is an excellent tactic to get support and comfort.
I liked Nurlman’s method of starting over, although I don’t think you have to be quite so drastic. But doing new things, frequenting new places, and being good to yourself are all good ideas that have already been mentioned.
Take care.
Spider Woman aka Laura
I am so sorry, winneee.
I know you are hurting, and that you don’t see an end to the pain. I wish I had some words of wisdom to make you feel better, but at this point you are just going to have to hang on until you heal a little. Then, re-read this thread. Lots of people have suggested lots of ways to help you move on, and I think that when you are through a little of the shock, you will be more able to see which direction you want to take.
I heartily endorse the book mentioned above…“How To Survive the Loss of a Love” and I think that it would be helpful to start reading it now, instead of waiting.
(((((winneee)))))
Be well, and take care of YOU.
Scotti
Looking at this situation differently, maybe he was just not completly happy with it. The truth is that he did love you, and probably still does. Besides he would have to had love you in order to stay with you for that long. There would have to be a big reason behind why he chose to do this to you. In your perspective, it may seem that everything would have been perfect, you would have married him, etc etc. But if you try to consider from his perspective, you may find some answers. I guess he could have stayed with you, but surely he did not want to see himself 20 years from now telling himself, “I’m still not completly happy in this relationship” even though he still loves you, is married to you and all that. And I’m sure that you wouldn’t want him still telling himself that years down the road either.
Bottom line and you’ve all probably have heard it before, if you were ment to be together in this lifetime, eventually you will be together. So dont lose hope, just move on, because if it was ment to happen, it’ll happen. No worries. Be sad, shed tears but then, be happy.
If this person indeed meant what he said and is, at the age of 37, still waiting for that undefined “something,” I agree with dropzone. He either 1) is a dimwit or 2) really doesn’t want to get married. Either way, at least you know where you stand (or don’t stand) now, and he won’t waste any more of your time.
I’m sorry you have to go through this, winneee. The end of all the hoping for a future together is the hardest part, but it’s also the first (in my experience) part that begins to heal. You have so many dreams and adventures and loves ahead of you, and he can’t hurt that, and he can’t hurt you, anymore.
Good luck, sweetie.
I just wanted to add a little something here:
Don’t forget to ask your friends for help. You will be going through a grieving process for a while and need the support of those people.
Ask them to keep an eye on you - to help think of things to distract you - even if it is just meeting up with them for coffee on that particular day of the week when you and your partner used to do something together (like watch the same tv show or something).
Your friends are there to help you through it. Let them be friends, but you may need to prompt them on what you want. For example if you don’t want them bad-mouthing the guy because it makes you feel crappy or something- then tell them that, but if instead you do want some help to move on - ask them for suggestions etc.
I am sending heaps of hugs and warm fuzzy thoughts your way.
Take care.
Raelee
Hope you don’t mind a third person chiming in with a recommendation to read “How to Survive the Loss of a Love.” My copy got so dog-eared I had to throw it out & get a new one. Read it. Then read it again. Start in the middle & work backwards. Then go to the middle again & work forward.
It’s okay to be sad, winneee. You loved him, and he dumped you. Right now, there isn’t much reason to be happy, but that’s okay. Cry. Cry a lot, and get the crying part out of your system. You’ll stop crying eventually, and then you’ll be able to get started with the rest of your life.
As much as you don’t want it to, the sun is still rising and setting. The earth is still spinning on it’s axis, and you with it. Sucky? Yep. Definitely. But it’s okay for you to take a short break. One day, you’ll wake up and realize that the sun isn’t just shining, it’s shining on you, and you’ll feel a little better. Then you can get going again.
(((winneee)))
Having gone through two messy break-ups in my life, I know how it is from both sides… and I’ve learned quite a bit from each scenario.
Scenario #1. The first guy I was ever convinced I was -in love- with. We met young, married early… had a son… and 3 years later, he left me for his best friends girl. (Also one of my best friends. How Jerry Springer is that?!)
I cried for a week, didnt eat for two. Tried not to leave my house because I would erupt in tears whenever I drove by the McDonalds we used to grab food from all of the time… or the park we used to play raquetball at. I was sure that I’d never recover.
And then I strung together the worst logic possible to make myself feel better.
“She who doesnt feel, doesnt hurt.”
And with defense mechanism in place, embarked on two short-term relationships and finally another 3 year relationship.
I carried so much baggage with me from that first relationship that I cant believe we made it 3 whole years. I took extra (and unwarranted) precautions to see to it that he wasnt controlling me and that I wasnt becoming too dependant. This basically means that whenever things werent peachy, I turned completely off. No tears. No words. No emotion. Just “whatever”. In the end it cost me what would have been a decent relationship with one of the best friends Ive ever had.
My current relationship (and the first serious one since the last 3 year issue-fest) is about 5 months along now. I force myself to communicate with him at all costs. I sometimes have to force myself to let let down my defenses enough to comfort him or even cry to him. Im relearning to love someone… and its not an easy task.
I thought I’d beaten that lousy first ex by shutting off my emotions when really… I let him turn me into a victim over and over, long after he was gone.
The next couple of months will probably suck, sweetie. Readjusting to life does that to you. But time really does heal all wounds and while your old life has come to a close, it’s made way for a new life that will be just as wonderful as you allow it to be.
My advice?
“You’ve got to dance like nobody’s watching and love like it’s never going to hurt.”
And take some time for yourself and your friends… they tend to miss you when you’re in a relationship for a few years.
hugs
Thank you so much for all the kind words and thoughts. Thank you so much for taking time to respond and share. I read and re-read the things you have written and cried at similar stories of heartbreak. And thank you so much for understanding that I can’t just get over it right now, that I need time to feel what I’m feeling and somehow work through it. It has made me feel less alone.
I went to my job today for a few hours and then told the powers that be that I needed a few days away. It made me feel better, though, to actually wake up and shower and get myself there instead of calling in sick again. In a strange way, it made me feel more in control to have dealt with it head on instead of hiding under my covers, like I did on Friday. I just need a few days.
My ex and I exchanged the initial fall-out emails this weekend, only one or two back and forth. As e-mail world goes, I thought I wrote something thoughtful and reflective, only to have him tell me that I had prematurely assumed it was over forever, that the door had still been open for him, and what I wrote hurt. I never intended to hurt him, I can’t hear someone say that something’s missing and then break-up with me and believe that there’s hope. I just can’t do it.
So I’m backing away from email or any contact with him and will let him figure out whatever it is he needs to figure out. I know in my heart he won’t come back to me, but I’m trying to force myself to have hope, to see where I might have missed that there should even be some. Even if it just gets me through the next week. I know that there’s nothing more I can say or do.
Sometimes it’s a miracle just to get yourself in to work for a few hours.
Hang in there; we’re only as far as your computer.