I’m just struggling a little with how to cope at the moment. I have a boyfriend that I love more than anything but i’m picking he wants to break up, he’s been really quiet this week, ignoring most my messages then said he wants to “chill on his own this week”. I know hes not cheating. My problem is I simply can’t work out what meaning my life has without him. He is my entire world and without him i don’t want a world.
Whenever i think about losing him i break down in tears and just can’t seem to cope, and I am not they crying type. I have some good friends but I don’t want to talk to any of them about it.
The only person that makes me feel better when I’m sad is him, once he is gone I have nothing and no one.
I guess I’m just lost and don’t know where to turn.
This fellow is not ‘everything’ and your life is not meaningless without him. You managed to survive until the time you met him perfectly well, and will continue to do so when he disappears from your life.
Your’re going through one of life’s most painful experiences, the loss of a love, one that really does make people wonder whether there’s a point to life. But you can get through it and hopefully will find that you’re smarter and stronger than before, that you’re tough and resilient. I’ve been through it and know how excruciating it can be, and you have all my sympathy, but like many challenging events it’s also a real opportunity to grow.
Here are links to a couple of books that may help:
You’re 29??? I suggest you find a counsellor to help you with your issues then. The SDMB is not the forum for personal advice, and might I suggest some of the ‘advice’ you’ll get, you won’t like.
Some people need some time and space to themselves. It doesn’t rule out the possibility that he’s a shit, but it might all be perfectly normal.
That’s not normal. I mean, it sounds lovely and romantic, sorta, but it also sounds maybe a bit clingy-psycho. I have no idea what you’re like in real life of course, so only have your words here from which to leap to a conclusion, perhaps the wrong one, but being clingy could be making him want his time and space alone all the more.
So talk to them about some other stuff. Spend some time with your friends doing other things - it will make you more resilient if he leaves, or it will make your relationship more stable and normal if he stays. Win/win.
So, you can’t live without him but you don’t even live together?
I think the problem may be that he’s not in the same relationship you think you’re in.
(Note: I have no problem with people who love each other deeply but choose not to share a home - it can be a sign of maturity and independence. I don’t think that applies to the OP, though).
My friends say I’m too literal. I thought that this was going to be a thread about someone who lost literally everything. Another great disappointment.
It’s not a funny situation and heartbreak at any age is really difficult to deal with.
And he might not be a shit at all, yet still not interested in continuing a relationship with you. Someone deciding that a relationship isn’t working for them doesn’t diminish them as a person or make them a shit, it just means they’re not the right person for you, no matter how differently you feel about the same relationship. Though, it is kind of shitty if he’s decided this and is avoiding telling you.
You can’t tie your purpose of being to anyone. You have to be at least content with yourself, by yourself. You should strive to be happy with yourself, by yourself. Either way, if you can’t exist without a romantic partner, you’ll never be a truly independent person.
You’re probably not wrong about your hunch. It’s not unreasonable to confront the guy over it and ignoring things isn’t going to help. It’s very likely that this relationship is over. You really don’t have any control over that. What you do have control over is how you handle it. If it’s over, you’re not losing everything. It’s the end of a relationship with someone you love and that’s really fucking hard to deal with, but it is not the loss of everything unless you don’t value your self at all.
“Just struggling a little…”, doesn’t AT ALL jive with your whole, “this relationship is my whole world” line.
When you say you have nothing and no one, do you mean you have no siblings, best friend, workmates, parents, pastor ? Because almost anyone, who actually knows you, would surely be a better place to seek help than perfect strangers on the web!
If you’re this distraught, over a ‘potential’ breakup, at 29yrs of age, you can very likely benefit from some counselling. There are a lot of services available, just look them up for your area.
It’s really not a good sign to be seeing the world in such black and white terms, to feel you have ‘nothing, no one’, because you ‘suspect’ a breakup is in the offing. If you were a teen, maybe, but you’re a grown adult. To think ‘he’s the only one’, that can help when you’re sad sounds incredibly immature for an almost thirty year old. But most telling of all, a few cryptic paragraphs, mostly exaggeration and drama, seeking ‘help’ from strangers on line, kinda screams you could actually use some real help.
Talk to someone you know and trust, see your pastor, or a therapist if you’re actually looking to get beyond your distress. It could prove a great benefit to you, please consider it seriously!
As someone who has literally lost everything (house flooded with 6 feet water for 4 days), I opened this to post
“You deal with it just like you dealt with things when you still had everything you lost, except you don’t have any of that stuff anymore.”
But, upon reading the OP, I am a little surprised. On reflection, I guess I’d give the same answer. Buck up. Handle the next thing life throws at you. Actually, per the OP, it isn’t even known that the relationship is over.
So, first, confront the situation head-on. What you are doing is self-destructive, since you don’t really know if you have anything to be concerned about. Your emotions show, so your concern could lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Second, become independent. Stop believing that you can only be happy with this guy. There are a lot of people out there an you can be happy with a great many of them.
Third (and, perhaps, most important), remember that you make your own happiness. This guy doesn’t make you happy (see what he is doing to you now?). You are happy with the thought of you two together because you have convinced yourself of it. You had happy times before you even knew this guy existed, and you can be happy without him. It’s your choice.
This is a very unhealthy relationship, you should not feel like this about anyone. If he does end up leaving he will be doing you a favor. Focus on yourself for a while, make a life you are happy with that doesn’t rely on someone else. Then find a relationship that complements your already happy life, not one that is the only reason you live for. You are putting an incredible burden on someone and it will eventually drive anyone you try to have a relationship with away if you can’t get it under control.
Try and overcome the “not wanting to talk with friends” bit and lean on them a little. The good ones will help you through it, the bad ones aren’t worth your friendship anyway.
I’m only a year older than you and had some pretty bad breakups too, so I think I can feel your pain better than most on this board.
I thought this thread was going to be about actually losing everything.
Losing your job, realizing that your skill set is hopelessly patchy and irrelevant to the real world, and that you’re now completely unemployable. And you’re too old to start over from scratch.
Your spouse leaves you. You get scared, retreat into your shell, and turn to alcohol and drugs to forget your problems. At one point, you get into a bar fight, and end up in jail. Now you have a criminal record and a giant hole in your resume, making everything that much worse. You spend the rest of your savings, and get kicked out of your apartment. Your friends want to help you, but there’s not much they can do, and after you’ve sponged off them and lived on their couch for six months, they’ve had enough, Now you’re on the street.
Then, the next week, your parents die and you’re diagnosed with cancer.
OP, what you have there is a breakup. It can suck a bit, but your life isn’t going to end. We can have a thread about that, that’s fine, but you’re not losing everything. You might want to contact a mod about changing your thread title.
I’d recommend to the OP to get out of your relationship. You need to discover who YOU are. What makes you tick, what makes you happy about yourself.
Before you can truly be in a healthy loving relationship with someone else, you need to be able to love yourself, be happy with yourself, know yourself.
