I have had a hard time dealing with the loss of my father from my life.
About a year ago, my father revealed an ugly double life that I knew nothing about. His drug addict girlfriend stole his car, left him alone in a hotel room for days without food or money and he was hospitalized after falling in the hotel shower.
He lives halfway across the country and hid his girlfriend from me when we talked on the phone.
After he revealed what had happened, he promised to end the relationship. But when she was released from jail, they got back together and he admitted it after much prodding. I ended our relationship by phone call, asking him to move home so that I could take care of him and breaking it off with her. He declined and hung up. We haven’t spoken since.
I have had a hard time without him in my life. I think of him every day and worry about his well being, but he is destroying his life and I don’t want any part of that.
I guess my question is: how do you handle the loss of someone from your life?
I’ve also thought about writing him letters, but not sending them. Has anyone used this as a coping mechanism?
So you asked your father to choose between you and his girlfriend? I’m not surprised that ended badly.
It sounds to me like you’re blaming her for everything you don’t like about your father, and (falsely) assuming that if she were out of the picture, you’d have the father you want.
I also think the letters are a bad idea. It depends on the person, but it sounds like you’re trying to keep the hurt feelings alive. I think you’d be better served by focusing on something else. You can’t fix this situation, and you certainly can’t control it.
For what it’s worth, I’m sorry that you have had to experience it.
Thanks for your response, Dr. Drake. You’re right on a couple points. I shouldn’t have given an ultimatum, I shouldn’t place all the blame on her and maybe I would be prolonging the pain I feel with the loss of him in my life by writing down my feelings.
I just don’t know how to handle the constant thoughts and worrying.
I don’t mean this to sound snarky so I’m sorry if it does.
You have a choice, you can lose your father, or you can lose the idea that you get to tell other people how to live their lives.
One of the hardest things in life is watching people you love do stupid shit to themselves and then you have to decide what is more important
having them in your life OR
being right about them being wrong
Sometimes letting go of ideas and beliefs is harder than letting go of people, people we love hurt and disappoint us everyday, learning to let go of the idea that you have any kind of control over it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Learn to love people as there are, not how you want them to be and let it go.
You and everybody around you will be a whole lot happier.
I see your point, but I won’t change my mind and rekindle our relationship. For me, that is out of the question unless his girlfriend is out of the picture. I’m not trying to change someone I love or hold them under idealistic standards. I’m trying to protect him from being used by a prostitute drug dealer/user. She has taken everything from him…money, his identity (fraud issues), and stolen his vehicle.
My main question was how to deal with him not being in my life.
But that is doomed to failure. You can’t protect a grown adult. At some level, he already knows anything you could say.
I think what both of us are trying to say is that the best way to deal with your feelings is to work on your attitude toward the situation. You seem to feel that your father has been stolen from you by this woman, and if that were true, it would be hard to get over.
IT’S NOT TRUE.
You can’t lose what you never had.
Your father made some horrifically bad choices. Freely. That’s who he IS (now, at any rate—people change). That’s the person you’re mourning, not the imaginary one who doesn’t exist. But that’s also the person you can have, if you want him. Pick up the phone. Wait: you say you don’t want that in your life? Well, own that choice.
In other words, you are experiencing the loss of a dream, a fantasy. The same way you’re not a gazillionaire, or forever twenty-one and beautiful, or King of Independent Tibet. It’s hard to let go of the nice-family dream, but knowing your loss is an idea in your head rather than a real person should help. I hope.
In a lot of ways I could be your dad in this situation. More than once in my life I have accepted women into my life that I was well aware of their motives, survival. We always had a trade off, sex, housework and tollerance of my many shortcommings or idiosynchrosies I might have. At some level it worked for me and at other levels it ended up costing me. Overyall I have few regrets.
I never looked at the situation that way before, HoneyBadgerDC. From his point of view. What he is getting from the situation, although he isn’t able to have sex anymore, he has companionship. Thanks for adding perspective.
It’s cliche, but one day, one moment, at a time. It is hard. But you remind yourself why it is the way it is, realize that the hurt is part of the decision, and keep going.
The circumstances are different for me, but I’ve been living the choice of cutting toxic family members out of my life. It gets easier, if that helps any.
Writing it down has worked for me, after an incredibly difficult loss.
Sometimes you need to just get it out. Write it down, (with no intention of ever sending it anywhere!), in the form of a letter if it helps. Just keep doing it till you’ve had your fill of going over it, again and again. When that day arrives, you’ll just stop.
It would help if you change focus a little each day. What words would you have to say to forgive him? How would that letter go? What words do you need to hear from him for closure? That could make this okay for you? Write it out! What are your reasons? Write in down.
You can’t help him from himself, of course, but you can help yourself get passed it. And maybe forgive yourself too!
Thanks for your insight. I have often had success with journaling in the past, so thought writing all the things I can’t say to my father would be therapeutic. I’m glad to hear you’ve also had luck with writing.
I think I will write down a few letters and see if it helps.
I agree with some of the previous opinions that it’s not up to you to dictate his choices. Or judge them. That doesn’t mean you should allow a toxic person into your life. Just communicate clearly where the lines are drawn. You don’t want to hear about that drama. If you love him you would at least be there for him to lean on when this relationship finally fails. And anything else that you can support each other through. But don’t burn your bridges.
Perhaps in the future things will change, but I’m still not ready to have any interaction with my father. I will keep your advice in mind, PurpleClogs, if/when I reconnect with him.
I love the people who say it’s not OP’s place to judge are also judging about the decision that OP made.
Cutting toxic people out of your life is not a decision that is made lightly. It comes after years of trying to make the situation better. It’s when you finally realize that you can’t fix the other person, and you can’t live with the poison they bring that things can start to get better.
Mile in the shoes, people. Until you’ve walked it, STFU.
It sounds like you are regretting this choice. I think it would be a good idea to have a long heart-to-heart with yourself and ask which you’ll regret more at his funeral: maintaining a relationship with your imperfect father, or choosing to have no relationship with him at all.
I chose to cut my father out of my life a long time ago because he was an abusive alcoholic. So I’ve been down this road. Hopefully my forum cred is acceptable to post my counterpoint to your opinion:
Obviously, we can’t know the whole situation. But with the information we currently have, it doesn’t sound like the father is being toxic toward StayseaDee. He’s being toxic toward himself. I think that matters. If StayseaDee’s father is refusing to take care of himself and asking StayseaDee for money or support, that’s toxic behavior. If he refuses to take care of himself and just wants to talk to his daughter on the phone and have her visit him every once in awhile, that’s completely and totally human. Most people would probably say his actions are self-sabotaging, but are they really worthy of estrangement? Maybe he’s kind of an asshole in general, which is enough reason to cut *anyone *out of your life. But that is not indicated. Others have suggested that he wants/needs the companionship of the druggie girlfriend. Companionship is a human need, so is it really surprising that taking away the companionship of his daughter will make him *more *reliant on the (bad, possibly only) relationship he has left?
As with most things involving human relationships, there are shades of grey and there are lines. Most people would say that it’s ridiculous for an adult child to estrange a parent for buying them a bad birthday present. Most people would say that it’s a good idea for an adult child to estrange a parent who is emotionally and/or physically abusive. With the story as told by the OP so far, this situation falls in a grey area between those hypotheticals. But if a reasonable person were to pick a side, it’d probably be closer to the former than the latter.
It’s her choice whether or not to distance herself from her father. I’m not going to be an asshole about what another person chooses. But it sounds like she’s regretting it. And, being as objective as one can be when discussing human relationships, I do think her actions constitute an overreaction–unless there is a whole lot of missing information, which hey! There very well could be, in which case I’d reconsider.
Lastly, this is an open forum and not everyone will agree with the OP, nor with you. I’ll freely and respectfully state my opinion, whether you like it or not.