My dad is dying of cancer. I keep having nightmares and I know they are the result of my fear of loss. I’m an adult and fully capable of taking care of myself without the help or guidance of my parents. I don’t rely on them emotionally or substantially; and yet, I can’t shake the feeling that I would be unbearably unhappy without them.
How did you cope with the death of your parents? How do I stop worrying that when I talk to them it will be the last time?
My family and friends have offered support. I think there is some tie I can’t see so I can’t know how to accept it and let it go. I have tried thinking of all the reasons why I would be devastated by my dads death and I have mourned them and accepted them. But I still feel unexpressably sad and I still have nightmares.
Am I doomed to just feel this way until he dies?
FTR, I talked to my dad about this but he is in a depressed mood and pretty grouchy so wasn’t too helpful.
I lost Mom to cancer.
Dad has heart disease & diabetes, he could go at any time.
Oddly, after losing Mom, the fear is less. I am deeply worried for Dad, and yet on better terms with him than ever before in my life.
I wish I could tell you it goes away. As far as I can tell, it doesn’t. For now, the only advice I’d have for you is to try to appreciate any time you get to spend with your dad without wishing you’d have more.
My dad died pretty suddenly almost fifteen years ago. We weren’t all that close, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him. My mother-in-law and my mother both died unexpectedly two and a half years ago, two months apart, and I miss both of them all the time. My father-in-law is now 82 and recovering from a serious illness; I lie awake at night worrying about the inevitable time when we’re going to lose him. I try to live in the moment and not waste any of the good times we have left dwelling on the bad times to come, but it doesn’t always work.
Our family is probably pretty repressed, but if I were you I think I’d try not to burden my dad with how bad I was feeling. He’s got his own fears and regrets to live through, and he may not be strong enough to handle yours as well.
When my dad (who I barely knew) died, I didn’t shed a tear, sat through his funeral and wondered why everyone was crying over the SOB. Then a few months later I had a delayed reaction and decided to do something on my bucket list. I didn’t realize until later on that I was reacting to his death.
When my mom died last year (with no warning), I freaked out like anyone would. Cried nonstop for a few months. I ignored milestones - my birthday, her birthday, holidays, etc. The first year was bad, real bad. This year … it’s easier.
You are, in a sense, lucky. You have warning. This is the time to sack up and get whatever you need to get out in the open with your dad. Tell him you love him. Thank him for (presumably) being a good father to you. Ask him the questions you’ve always been afraid to ask.
When he goes it won’t hurt any less than it would have if he’d gone suddenly, but you have the opportunity to see to it that when he does go, nothing was left unsaid. You need to take that opportunity.
I think you can let go of the fear of losing them. It is something you cannot control. You cannot obsess with worry about the last time you will see him alive, or last conversation - that is not in your control. Things that are in your control are what actions you take now, and deciding not to fear what will come. I like the ideas here about just sitting and talking about good things and remembering life together. There is no way of knowing when the last time will be, so make the rest of the times good ones. Photo albums help. I was fortunate to be able to tell mom I love her the week before she died, and I was able to tell dad I love him and thanks while he was still cogent.
I lost mom in 2008 and dad in 2011 - both due to a series of chronic health conditions that dogged them for many years. So there was some warning. The weekend my dad entered the hospital for the last time my dipshit brother did not even bother to call him, much less come see him, due to fear. He regrets it to this day and probably always will.
If he’s in the mood to do it, you could go through old pictures, home movies, memoribilia, or whatever. It’s a way to talk over old times and learn family stories. It’s also an opportunity to write names and dates on the back of photos. That way you, or your children, years from now don’t look at them as say, “who the hell are these people?”
You didn’t say whether your Mom was still around, or if your Dad has brothers and sisters. They might be able to advise you. They may also be able to help locate old pictures and help go through them, if your Dad is interested.
I lost my dad to cancer only seven years ago. He was 54, I was 25. The way you’re feeling is completely normal and understandable. It is a sad and traumatic experience to lose a parent even when you’re not dependant on them. I felt the same fear when my dad was diagnosed.
Don’t. Like you, I knew my dad was dying. After years of chemo and radiation, his situation became hopeless. Again your fear is normal, and can be healthy.
Try to enjoy the time you have with him. Do things that you both enjoy. With my Dad we did a lot of talking, reminiscing, and sometimes we just watched TV together. We tried to do some things on his ‘bucket list’, but sometimes he just didn’t feel like doing anything, or wasn’t able, and that was OK. I think he just wanted to feel normal. Always hug him and tell him you love him when you part.
It’s ok to be worried and sad at the possibility of not seeing him again, but I wouldn’t let that be THE topic of conversation. You can understand why he would be depressed and grouchy, right? Find out what he would like to do. It’s quite possible he just wants everyone to act normal around him.
Possibly, but not necessarily. Just try to enjoy whatever time you have together. Make good memories as best you can while you can.
As best as I could. It is normal to feel relief when a long suffering parent dies. It is also normal to be sad and mournful. Expect the confusing feelings. I promise you can get through them. The pain lingers, but the intensity diminishes with time. For a while, you may be sad to remember him, but eventually it balances with treasured happy memories. It sounds like you have some great friends and family, and it may help to share stories of your dad with them to help you keep your memories after he is gone. There’s really no way to tell someone how to cope with the feelings, you just cope. Eventually you realize you’re ok.
You can’t logic your way out of feelings. Just try to remember it is perfectly normal and OK to be scared in your situation. It is normal and human to mourn, to cry, to hurt, to miss. Know you will be OK. I promise you will be.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I remember what it was like for me to be where you are. You will make it, it’s not easy, but you will make it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I lost my father a year ago. In his case, it was time and past time. I was glad it was finally over. Had he been a younger and more vigorous man, it would have been far different.
My mother looks to be set for another fifteen years or so - her grandmother died at 101 in 1962 (she remembered Lincoln’s assassination!), and she seems to be cut from the same cloth.
It was rough, and still is. My mother died when I was 23, and my dad four years later. The hardest part with my mom was that I would find myself picking up the phone to call and talk to her, then I’d remember. The strangest part was feeling like an orphan after my father died. I was fully grown a 27 year-old adult, yet I felt like an abandoned toddler for a while. It’s hard because they’re the ones who remember your childhood and can tell you stories about the family and things that happened, things you said and things you did. They have six grandchildren now and never knew any of them. My daughter grew up without grandparents (my husband’s were older, and died when she was a toddler). It takes time to get back to feeling reasonably normal, but it’s never really over. This is just my story, though. I know not everyone feels this way.
I lost my dad 14 months ago. I think of him every day.
I’ve drawn closer to mom. Cherishing every day that I see her or talk on the phone. I do worry about the future. I can’t imagine losing her too. There’s nothing to do but hope for as much time together as possible. I’m an only child. Mom’s sisters are all gone. I’ll have no one left except two cousins that I know. My other cousins grew up out of state and I haven’t seen them in 30 years.
On a practical note. Mom has added my name to her bank accounts. Updated her will and is getting rid of dad’s stuff. She turns eighty in Dec. and sentimental possessions just aren’t as important.
I felt the same way . . . at 60! I remember feeling that there’s no longer anyone to be proud of me (except my partner, but that’s not the same thing).
My mother always looked forward to the photography I brought home from my travels. Even now, I catch myself thinking “My mom’s gonna love this shot. I can’t wait to show it to her,” Then I remember.
But as others have said, you never really let go. Just cherish them while you have them.
For me it’s usually food - just this weekend I was in a Walgreens and thought to myself “I should grab a couple bags of candy corn at half price, since dad loves it!” before I remembered.
To the OP - I lost my dad unexpectedly just over a year ago. It’s still hard every single day, but I am now getting to the point where I can make jokes and share happy memories without tearing up every time. Definitely enjoy any time you have with your dad. One other suggestion - I don’t know how old you are, but one of the hardest parts about losing my dad was that he missed meeting his first grandchild - my son - by ten months. I wish I would have talked to him more about parenting; he was a great dad and I could use the advice.
Also, take pictures and video and if you can get a letter or something with his writing, that would be good. I still remember my dad’s voice pretty well, but will I be able to say the same in five years?
Watching my paternal grandmother die a long, slow, and terribly undignified death completely rid me of all fear of losing my parents. I now fear only that when my mother* goes, it will be a long, slow, and terribly undignified death.
My dad died in 2001, of a massive coronary. Dead before he hit the ground. Second only to dying in his sleep, exactly the way he would have wanted it.
I’ve never seen death per se as a negative thing; the only time I remember being afraid of one of my parents dying was Dad’s Two Years of Doom, when his employers were trying to get him to quit so they wouldn’t have to pay him compensation. He was smoking 4-5 packs/day, we barely saw him, he was so stressed you could have used him to light up the house, they’d call him at 3am to tell him he had an 8am meeting in a city 5h drive away… I was having visions of him dying in a car crash 20 years before his time - and of me having to drop out of school and take a job to support the family, because my mother didn’t seem any more able to get one than of caring for her children. That very specific fear ended when he got fired. I’ve often thought it has to sound like the weirdest thing ever, being happy that your Dad got fired, but from where I was standing it was saving his life. He died at the time and of the causes expected; cancer in his 60s after an unusually long fight for that type of cancer (which had been misdiagnosed but I digress…)
We’ve been terribly lucky in cause of death; compared with my sister-in-law’s father’s death, any relatives of mine have gone waltzing. Many have died of “old age”; the only ones to have died of a long illness have been the cancer bunch, and to give you an idea, both my grandfather and his brother Julio were working normally for years after being diagnosed. On a bad day they’d get home and collapse on an armchair, but only on bad days.
How do you let go of the fear of losing your parents? Short answer: have kids of your own. Your focus shifts, totally.
Are you afraid, or just overwhelmed by sadness at the prospect of your dad’s passing? They are two quite different things really.
Personal story: as a younger person, I was shit-scared of the possibility of my mother dying. I would lie awake at night suffering panic attacks at the mere thought she would not be around forever. Having children of my own (as I said before) shifted my ‘fear’ from losing her to the possibility of losing them. Now that my kids are grown, I’m scared for my grandkids!! Yeah, I’m probably neurotic and need ‘something’ to worry myself shitless about.
(My mother is old now, and I am no longer afraid of her passing. In fact, I wish for it daily. It saddens me that her twilight years are so full of mental-disorientation, pain and regular illness. I will however be exceptionally sad when she dies. She was an exceptional person and an amazing mother. At the moment, she is merely a physical shell)
BTW StrawberryDaquiri currently, your dad is living with cancer…we are all dying in our own ways.
Some of us will get to the Pearly Gates of Hades sooner rather than later. We never know whether our meal with family or friends, our FB message or phone call will be the last one. It comes with the territory of being a human being: the only certainty is uncertainty. Worrying about that, whilst perfectly normal is also destructive: it means you are existing in a pre-death state rather than living a full life.
Sorrow and grieving are normal. Don’t let it become your life though.
(I asked my dad before)
In 2006 when I was 3 my mom died of scleraderma in forchantly my did ad didn’t tell me until 3 days later. I had bad dreams. Now I’m afraid my dad will too!
-perry2121
Two 1/2 years since my dad died. Theres still times I pick up the phone to tell him about something I read or saw on tv. Then I remember and the pain returns.
You never really get over losing a parent. Several days go by and something will trigger an old memory.
I’m making a point to cherish the remaining years with my mom.
My father died in 1998. He was so debilitated for the last few weeks, that there was a little bit of relief mixed in with the grief-- I’m glad it wasn’t more drawn out than it was. We observed shiva, sheloshim, and yahrzeit (Jewish customs), and that helped a lot, as did having a lot of extended family around. Honestly, when he actually died, it wasn’t as bad as finding out that he was terminally ill in the first place.
Once it’s over, and you can get on with things, you might feel some relief. Right now you are sort of stuck in a groove, and it sounds like, possibly feeling a little pressure to get everything exactly right since you have just once chance to do it. Ease up, and just let things happen the way they happen. When your dad is gone, you won’t think about the last few weeks or months as much as his life as a whole.
