How Do You Let Go of the Fear of Losing Your Parents

In My Humble Opinion
22

My best friend lost her beloved brotherthree years ago. She mourns him deeply and painfully.

She told a group of co-workers about her grief, and while they were sympathetic, most had to admit that they had no real warm relationship with their siblings. My friend secretly felt much better off then these ladies: she had lost her brother, but she had had a loving bond with him for fourty years. Her co-workers didn’t have that, couldn’t even really imagine what such a bond would feel like.

Or, in other words, “Better to have loved and lost, then never to have lost at all” .

See your emotions not as a harbinger of how awful things will be after your parents death. See your emotions as proof that you love your parents and have a warm, loving bond with them. That is a GOOD thing. It has been a good thing all your life, and will continue to be a good thing in that it will keep you grounded and serve as a modle for your own loving relationships.It will just mean a few years of feeling sad, the first weeks 24/7, after six weeks increasingly less untill you will feel sad maybe 10 minutes a day.

23

This.

I’m currently in the process of losing my mom to cancer, but after having my first child, the circle of life and death suddenly becomes not so much clearer, but “fair”.

Nobody is going to be here forever- not you, not me, not my child and not my parents. Somehow, having a child makes me OK with that. The best I can do in life is to give her my all- same with my mom. She’s given me her best and it’s my job to pass that on.

Once we die, the only true legacy we leave behind are our children- through them we will continue to affect this world, just like through us, our parents will still be remembered.

24

Nice quote and post! Welcome to the board! :smiley:

25

First I learned the difference between mourning, missing & that feelings just are & I can’t really control them.

I come from a big family of big families on both sides. Lots of bornin, dyin, livin & killin & buryin.

I was at the funeral of one of my younger brothers when I was a small child.

I killed my Cackle when I was 7 or 8.

Your religion can help if you have one.

I have buried my 18 year old daughter.

My Dad and then my Mother.

One time when I was in my 30’s & needed my Dad’s help, I wondered what I would do if he were already gone.

I was holding his hand when he left.

Thinking about that day in advance is one of the best things you can do IMO.

26

I lost my Mother November 2nd, 2013. A little over 6 months ago. She had been diagnosed the year before with dementia, so I thought I would at least have a few good months with her. She was so afraid back then. I tried to get her to move in with me (she lived alone in an elderly apt building). I implored my 6 siblings to help me, help her.

They did not believe what I told them. They refused to believe the diagnosis, going as far as to say I was telling her doctors things that were untrue. :confused:

My last plea, I wrote them, begging and pleading. I told them she could not live alone, and was going to either start a bad fire (she had started 3 small ones using the stove), or go out and fall, as my Moms best friend warned me about.

Nothing.

Eight weeks later, she was out, alone, and fell again. Some nice people tried to help her, but she was really confused and tried to walk away. I am so thankful these women were there. They told her she would be o.k., as she was passing out. When I got the call, you would think I was rehearsing for a bad Lifetime Movie. I just fell to my knees, screaming and screaming, and screaming…

She was in the hospital for six weeks. She had massive bleading on the brain, and she had seizures, a stroke, got an infection. She was in a coma, but came out a little bit, and would respond to sounds, etc. The look she gave me will always haunt me. Finally, my family agreed to let her go. I was there the whole time, with one sister and two nieces. The nice people at the hospital told us it would not be long. It was the day the Red Sox had their Victory Parade, for winning the world series. All I heard from outside were happy people celebrating. I will never, ever, get over it. I will NEVER forgive my siblings. For those who say forgive and move on, they do not know the pain.

I still, to this day, do not know what I am going to do without her. The funny thing, she really was not that good of a Mom.

I just thought I had more time. So ANY time your loved one has left, try to bring as much joy to them as possible. They go sooner than you think.

Sorry for the sad post, but it is what it is :frowning:

27

Dad went just a few weeks after this post.

28

My mother died in August last year. I visited her a few days before her death, held her hand, and watched as she drifted even further into oblivion. I was able to let her go completely then. There was no ‘mum’ left. The person that lived in the body of my mother had gone long, long ago.

Sometimes death is a blessing and life itself that’s cruel.

29

If you ask me, the “best” and worst way to get over the fear of losing a parent is to lose one slowly and painfully. My father died that way when I was a few days past nine years old, and I pray to deities I don’t believe in that my mother goes quickly, maybe with just enough forewarning to say goodbye to the people she loves. But I’d rather she go with no warning than see her suffer a painful and protracted decline.

In my experience, there’s no good way to prepare for losing someone. There’s just a hope that the loss won’t be too horrific for the person leaving. And I’m not being negative: even knowing that a loved one is dying, it’s almost impossible to feel like you, as a survivor, made an adequate goodbye. There will almost certainly be regrets, so you might as well hope that your parent has an easy and peaceful death.

30

As I’m telling a lot of my friends, one of your jobs in life is to bury your parents. The only alternative is to have them bury you, which is a lot worse. And yes, I’ve known people who’ve lost children, and it is horrendous.

31

My dad wasn’t just my dad; he was my co-conspirator. We built stuff together, fixed stuff together and liked being around each other. I knew some things he didn’t but he knew tons to teach me. He was also the healthiest and strongest of the four (parents and in-laws). I always just knew he would help me through the first one or two. Then the sonofabitch went and died first. And it seemed without warning.

I was crushed at first but then small things came through that showed me parts of him were still around. Memories - good times and bad. But basically a play book I could call on when I need it.

The big thing was a very subtle trait I “never saw coming”. No matter what, he always left someone with a smile and a handshake. He could have been arguing nose to nose about something but he always closed it with a smile and a handshake. Because he knew those could be the last words he had with that person and he wanted to make his point - but “without regrets”.

I’ve done the same. When Muvver (my MIL) died I was lucky enough to be standing there. In ways she was gone long before and all that was left was the shell but even through the tears I gave her a smile and a love you. Did it help that moment? Not much - but it does now.

Search your memories ------- somewhere is your play book. Check it out as soon as you can.

32

I think my mom passing when I was 8 years old pretty much inured me to the loss of a parent. My dad could go tomorrow (not that he’s in ill health or anything) and I would be sad about it, but I’d move on.

Having a family of my own helps in that respect as well.