Dealing with my mother's death....

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My beloved mother lost her battle with Altheimers on the ninth of December at the age of 85. The last time I saw my parents was in 2006, when I flew them out here to show off the Pacific Northwest, something they, as Pennsylvanians, had never seen. Since then I’ve had two episodes of blood clots in my lungs, in addition to being diagnosed with emphysema. As a result, I’ve been advised to not fly. I talked about this with my Dad and my closest sisters, and everybody I care about is cool with it.

But that’s theoretical. Reality isn’t quite as tidy.

The funeral was the 13th/14th. My dad read me some schmaltzy poem his AA sponsor read at the service, which melted me, so I opted out of work on Monday.

Tuesday morning held a big surprise - my first panic attack. Thanks, universe. I left work after convincing the fire dept I was not being abused or being beaten at home. I decided being pummeled by cosmic forces didn’t count, so
So here I am, apparently grieving wrong, according to Mr. singular. I thought a pragmatic approach would work, as it has in the past, but so far, not so much.
TL/DR: my Mom died, I’m bummed. I love her a lot.

2

I’m so sorry.

My mom died this month too, I also had not seen her in years and she was cremated without me seeing her.

There is no right way to grieve, like you I thought I was fine but then I’d randomly breakdown or just shutdown. It will probably feel unreal almost, like this person who you knew so well is just disappeared.

You should be easy on yourself and take the time or whatever else you need.

3

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my beloved father in September, and along with the simple grief there is anger that the driver who hit and killed him took his eyes from the road to mess with a Cd.

As has been said there is no right way to grieve. Take what time you need. I’ve had other folks confirm to me that one can be feeling fine, then all of a sudden it hits you again. I’m told first holidays after the loss are the worst, but after that it gets better. We’ll see.

Anyway, come back here to bend our ears, that is what friends are for. I did it and it helps.

I’ll pray that you and your family get to feeling better.

4

I’m so sorry about your mom. Ditto what the others said. There is no wrong way to grieve. And there is especially no wrong way to FEEL. After my husband died I had panic attacks all the time. There were days when I might burst into tears at very small things. He loved the way I fixed broccoli, and for months I couldn’t go near the broccoli in the grocery store. I’m not kidding. In fact, just walking through the grocery store was bad, because I’d see all his favorite foods. Your body, soul, and heart know how to grieve and what they need to do. Just let them. Don’t try to control it. Give your mind a rest and be gentle and non-judgmental. Also, don’t expect to feel much better any time soon…allow yourself to be sad for many, many months. I visited an online grief support group for years. Hugs to you.

5

Thank you all for your kind words and gentle advice. I’m much more comfortable with the SDMB community than with sincere attempts in person, for reasons I can’t begin to express. I wish I could’ve gotten her into message boarding - she would’ve love this place. Your words have provided a comfort I didn’t realize I was needing.

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One more piece of advice: keep your eyes on the ground right in front of you. Don’t look too far ahead. Don’t imagine the future, etc.

I suggest you also start a journal and just jot down your feelings or pour your heart out-- whatever you need at the moment. Stuff you can’t say out loud to anyone. You don’t ever have to go back and reread it (but you could… I never have), but think of your journal as an intimate, trustworthy friend who is always ready and willing to listen, even if you repeat yourself a zillion times.

7

Same kinda prayers and best wishes here. Watch “first anniversaries” too - that first birthday or hers or yours, that first wedding she misses, things like that. They can be tough too sometimes.

I always used to keep a pillow handy - even in the car. Nice to scream or cry into without being quite as much a “scene”. Not knowing what would hit me when, it worked pretty well different times like these for me.

8

My mom died 1/10/10 and while I know it happened intellectually, I still can’t believe it. My parents lived out West and so I would actually see her only once a year or so, even though we were very close and I loved her so much. I try not to have any regrets because she was sick before she died so I had a chance to tell her how much I loved her, but I wish we had had more time. I dreamed of taking care of her when she was old, assuming my father would have died first, but surprise. She got a backache Christmas Eve and only after she went into the hospital did I know what was really going on. “They checked her into the oncology ward to see if it’s cancer.” “Why would they think that?!” “She’s had a tumor replacing her breast for ten years that she never got diagnosed or treated.” The cancer spread throughout her body including her spine and back of her skull, which accounted for the back pain. It filled her lungs and she died from that. Her greatest wish was never to “linger” so thankfully she died peacefully and had the courage to refuse treatment.

Ultimately I am thankful I had such a special mom, and I am happy she is in heaven, but I am left without anything truly special on earth.

Thanks for letting me vent. I sympathize so much with your panic – it has happened to me in stressful/super-emotional times and it is truly the worst. Please seek help if it becomes too much – I know it seems like it will kill you but there is help.

9

This reminds me – as soon as I heard what was really going on with mom, the first thing I wrote was “I am going to have to live for forty more years without my mom”. It seems selfish that that was my first thought, but it’s OK to be selfish – I want my Mom!! Waaah! I knew she would be OK and be at peace, and I would be left like this. Sigh.

10

It’s okay to be “selfish” that way. I don’t have any children, and there’s no one who will miss me the way y’all miss your mothers. You all were/are blessed to have had that kind of love in your lives.

11

I’m so sorry to hear about all of the losses.

I haven’t read this book in a while, so it might not all be applicable, but I found a great deal of comfort in it when I lost my husband: Seven Choices: Finding Daylight after Loss Shatters Your World. It simply made sense to me when I was feeling most upset.

12

I’m so very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is devastating; please give yourself time to heal.

13

My mother died in 2006. I still occasionally grieve.

14

My dad died last month, the day before Thanksgiving. It was after a protracted illness. We had a very close relationship my entire life, and I made a point over the last two years of being over at my parents’ house at least once a week for dinner and a DVD with him.

Still haven’t cried over it. Not a single tear. And I get weepy over instant coffee commercials.

Grief is weird.

15

I am so so sorry…when the loss is so recent, it’s almost like they’re still here, just not available. Your body and heart know exactly what to do and they will react exactly as they need to.

16

Give it time. There’s no right way to stop being hollow and exhausted.

I melted down while washing my car months later.

17

Many more condolences.

My brother died this past summer.

I think Miller nailed it: Grief is weird. It’s not just being sad that someone is gone.

I had struggles, then found strength to get things done, then got angry when there was no more for me to do.

If someone mentioned my brother, I’d take offense: “Thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. While you’re at it, why don’t you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?”

If someone who knew failed to mention my brother, I’d take offense.

I’m at a point now where reading on the subject seems to help some. I don’t know where you are on the religiosity scale, but I have received several books that conflict with my religious viewpoints. I have read some, trying to recognize that people reach out in the best way they know how.

18

Lost mine in 2011.

The only “wrong” way to grieve is if you become a danger to yourself and/or others. Any other method? Fair game. You do what you have to do, each day, to ensure that you’re here the following day.

Go see a doctor, get a script for something for your nerves. Fill it and have it in the house, just in case. You’ve absolutely got to make sure you’re sleeping well. Your immune system is gonna take a hit anyway, losing sleep will just make it worse.

Take bubble baths if that’s your thing. Binge on Netflix in your PJ’s. Ignore the phone if you don’t feel like talking. When you think the grief is gonna kill you, go take a nap.

This is not the time to try to be super productive. Grief messes you up in EVERY way possible – mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually and physically. This is pretty much the only time in your life where it is not only 100% morally ok to be ALL about you, it is IMPERATIVE.

Watch out for griefquakes. They’re gonna be triggered by some crazy shit. For me, it was Easter candy at Wal-Mart and certain songs. Sometimes they’re triggered by nothing at all.

Don’t try to hold stuff in. Cry all you want. Be prepared for others to avoid you, and for some to flat out forget that you just lost your mom. Go easy on them – the ones that forget and avoid you are the ones who haven’t gone through what you’re going through and they simply don’t know any better, and they have no clue HOW to be there for you. The last thing they want to do is upset you or make you even sadder, so many people do nothing, thinking that is the best thing for them to do.

Take comfort in whatever actually comforts you. I know my mom is in Heaven and I was shocked, when she died, to find that I didn’t give a rat’s ass about that. I knew she was happier than she’d ever been, and that didn’t do a damn thing for me. What did help? Knowing she’d never again have to put up with the chronic insomnia that ruined her life.

Above all, know that you’re NOT crazy. You’re not going insane, promise. There will come a day where you’ll think of her and you’ll smile. People told me that right after my mom died and I thought they were nuts, but it’s true.

hugs I’m so sorry hon :frowning:

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Agreed. I don’t want to sound like I’m pushing meds but truly, panic can become a real physical problem (not that it will, but just in case) and can interrupt your sleeping and eating. I have Ativan in the house just in case – I have never had to take it for any protracted period, but just to get a good night’s sleep and be able to manage anxiety better. I almost never have to resort to it, but knowing it’s there is a comfort.